Can't we all just get along?

I've read numerous books on the topic of working moms versus stay at home moms. I'm in the pro-working mom camp and I confess I've never understood what the appeal was to being a stay at home mom. Despite that not being my style, I do actually want to understand what the other 'side' wants me to know. I don't want to discount the beliefs of someone else because they weren't (or aren't) part of my reality.

I can't grasp the notion of putting my life on hold for a child. I never have. Even when I was trying to get pregnant some years back, I never considered not going back to work. My work is a huge part of who I am and frankly it keeps me somewhat sane. But that's me. Not everyone has the imprint to head back to the office once a child has entered their life.

Each has their own argument for why their way is better. No one way is right; no one way is wrong. Yet all of the women who argue about their way being better fail to recognize the lowest common denominator: they are all mothers.

They're fighting with words because it's not 'ladylike' to fight with fists. These women are passionate about their way being the 'right' way. Heaven help the poor soul that tries to tell a woman her way is wrong.

*****

I've noticed a lot of similarities between the working mom/stay at home mom argument and the different kinds of stepmoms. You have your Stepped Forward/engaged stepmoms, your Stepped Back/disengaged stepmoms, your PAS'd stepmoms,  your 'cruel stepchild' stepmoms, grown children stepmoms, stepbaby stepmoms, teenage kid stepmoms, etc. All of us has our own reality and all of us believe we're in the right in our beliefs.

I've noticed in a few online forums lately -- even my own -- that arguing has reached a fever pitch. There has been more name-calling, disrespect and animosity than a presidential debate. In some cases, there has ceased to be any respect for the other person or their reality.

Yet again, we have a group of women that have lost sight of the lowest common denominator: We're all stepmoms.

*****

I'm not a feminist; not in the Gloria Steinem sense of the word. I think trying to pit the 'haves' and the 'have nots' against one another has done more to ruin female solidarity than anything a man could have done. 


I think women, as a gender, should boost each other up. I think the Mean Girl/Female Bully mentality is also at a fever pitch and unless we have more women willing to stand up and say Shut the Fukc up to the mean girls then we're going to continue to see more infighting. I'm sick to death of hearing women call other women bitches, c*nts and any other variation of a negative word. 

I'm done with the mean girls. They do nothing for me other than make me angry and I don't like being angry. I want to emit nothing but love, light and happiness. So consider this blog post my Mean Girl Manifesto. 

I will no longer allow the name-callers and disrespectors to enter my space. Whether that space be my own stepmom community, my Facebook periphery or even my earshot. If I hear you tear another woman down be prepared to exit. The price of re-entry is steep.

I'm following the wisdom of my new found gurus (Mark and Angel)

Free yourself from negative people. – Spend time with nice people who are smart, driven and likeminded.  Relationships should help you, not hurt you.  Surround yourself with people who reflect the person you want to be.  Choose friends who you are proud to know, people you admire, who love and respect you – people who make your day a little brighter simply by being in it.  Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.  When you free yourself from negative people, you free yourself to be YOU – and being YOU is the only way to truly live.  

Peace lies within

Quoteable Cards

Two days ago, I was in Thailand. I'd boarded a plane on Jan. 14 to attend a media tour being held by Thailand's Ministry of Investment. It was a surreal experience and I think having gone changed my outlook for the better.

I'd been to Asia once before -- in June 2011 --  for a similar trip. I flew to Tawain amid a thunderstorm in the States only to get to Taiwan in time to greet a typhoon. I didn't speak the language nor did I understand the writing well enough to know what I could have eaten. I lost 5 pounds in 5 days due to my Baked Lays and water diet (the only packaging I could recognize).

I was curious to go to Thailand once I'd received the invitation. I knew this country as both the land of Buddha and the country that will throw your ass in prison should you hold anything that even looks like a drug. I was equal parts mystified and petrified.

I was flying to Thailand by myself and meeting a group of journalists there. I didn't know who they were, where they were from or if they'd be anything like me. I also didn't know the language or much else about the culture. Two days before I was due to leave, a suspected terrorist had been arrested because of a plot to bomb touristy places like those I was visiting. Needless to say, I was ready to come home before I'd already left.

Getting to my final destination wasn't as much of a problem as I'd worried about and I soon met 11 other media folk like me that were to be my trip mates for the next 5 days.

We stayed in gorgeous hotel rooms and ate wonderful food -- correction -- other people ate wonderful food. My delicate stomach could barely handle the paypaya 'slaw' so I was on the rice and chicken diet for most of the trip.

My trip mates also enjoyed a lot of Thailand's exotic night life. I went out a few times to be a team player, but usually came back to the hotel earlier (than most of the group's 1 a.m.) and drank water (instead of beer). Needless to say I was the opposite of Hangover 2.

At the midway point in the trip, I was sitting on my hotel bed, scratching the 100 ginormous mosquito bites I'd gotten, reading my book about Finding Your Own North Star. I was at a point where I was should have been identifying emotional blockages and bad feelings I could get past, yet all I could come up with was peace and contentment.

I sat there in a bit of an awe-struck state. Wasn't it me who -- not too long ago -- was struggling with figuring out who I was? Wasn't it me who felt lonely in my own home? Didn't I just spend the latter half of 2011 stuck in a pity rut because I'd felt like I'd become a shell of my former self? Here I was covered in mosquito bites, scratching myself into oblivion in a city where I could have been out partying it up with people who I could have tried to turn into my new BFFs and I was in my room, peacefully contemplating how far I'd come in such a short time.

The contemplation of how far I came felt both literal and figurative. I'd travelled almost 9,000 miles away from home to finally feel comfortable with who I was on the inside. I'd looked fear in the face by coming on a trip where I didn't haven't control over a heck of a lot. I did something that not many people have the courage to do...and that felt liberating.

At the risk of sounding like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, I want to end this post by saying the trip was soothing for my soul. Even when my computer fried on Day 1 of the trip, my body looked like that of a leper and I was sick as dog from Thai food, I've tried to practice each day the mantra: peace lies within. It's funny but in the two days I've been back, I've noticed how much calmer I feel inside and out.

I'm sure there will be plenty of things that may try to throw me off of this Buddhist wisdom but for now, I'm just going to sit, reflect and Om.

My life in pictures

The framed advice that resides in our entry hallway

Our 'Family Rules' that hang in the kitchen

The feline love of my life: Puppy Cat;
one of three ginger tabbies we have

Sunset as seen from our driveway

Finding meaning and happiness: A meme

Have you ever stumbled upon a book passage, quote or website that makes you want to scream "Thank you sweet Jesus for bringing this into my life"? Odds are, you needed that kind of inspiration at the time (let's face it, why else would it have made a difference).

For me, one of those things is Marc and Angel Hack Life: Practical Tips for Productive Living. The site is home to 30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself along with a bunch more other inspirational posts. The following is taken from 95 Questions to Help You Find Meaning and Happiness.

I love figuring out ways to make myself happier and it's always fun to tell people more about the inner workings of moi, so I thought I'd share some of the answers from the list.

If this prompts you to get started on your own journey to meaning and happiness let me know!!!!!

• In one sentence, who are you?: I'm an overachiever, a non-wicked stepmom, an atypical wife and the world's coolest older sister. 
• What does the child inside you long for? Approval 
• What is one thing right now that you are totally sure of? That I exist. 
• What are you scared of? Tarantulas, being abandoned, not being loved 
• What has fear of failure stopped you from doing? Starting my own business 
• What makes you feel secure? My husband's love; my mother's love. My plump cat's purring up against my neck.  
• Which activities make you lose track of time? Reading, watching Lie To Me, Criminal Minds or anything else where human behavior is questioned 
• What’s the most difficult decision you’ve ever made? Deciding to stop trying to have a baby 
• What are you most grateful for? each breath I'm able to take and each morning I'm gifted with waking up 
• What is something you’ve always wanted, but don’t yet have? A puppy 
• What’s the number one thing you want to achieve in the next five years? Sitting on a porch with my husband reflecting on how we made it through the first 10 years of our life together and how we can't wait for what's in store in the next 40 years. 
• What’s something new you recently learned about yourself? I have a difficult time realizing that not everyone lives in the same kind of reality I do. 
• What do you sometimes pretend to understand that you really do not? How the stock market and the refinance of my mortgage works.  
• What worries you most about the future? Not knowing when my future will become my past. 
• In one word, how would you describe your personality? Endearing 
• What never fails to frustrate you? Ignorance 
• What are you known for by your friends and family? For having a youthful sense of humor; for being hyper-organized 
• What’s something most people don’t know about you?  I have a lot of acquaintances but very few true friends (at least ones that would step up when I'm in need). Then again, maybe people do realize that about me and I'm the last one to have figured it out.  
• What’s a common misconception people have about you? I've heard that I'm intimidating because I'm aware of myself.  
• What’s something a lot of people do that you disagree with? Sugar coat life/aren't honest with themselves or other people 
• What are the top three qualities you look for in a friend? Loyalty, honesty, respect 
• If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend? I think most of my long term friends and I are similar in how we talk to one another. 
• If you had to move 3000 miles away, what would you miss most? My parents, my brother and sister, Chicago style pizza, Lake Shore Drive 
• What would make you smile right now? Watching and listening to my cats sleep...and purr 
• What has the little voice inside your head been saying lately? be careful how you request things of people 
• What’s something you should always be careful with? people's hearts 
• What should always be taken seriously? bullying 
• What are three things you can’t get enough of? Crime shows, behavior analysis, cheese pizza 
• What fascinates you? human behavior 
• What’s something you would do every day if you could? kiss my husband; meditate and do yoga (if I could remember and make time for myself to do it) 
• If you had the opportunity to get a message across to a large group of people, what would your message be? To thine own self be true 
• What makes you feel comfortable? The love of people who know me to my core and who won't say anyting judgmental if I want to wear flannels and pajama pants all winter long.  
• Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing? a little bit of both 
• What’s something that used to scare you, but no longer does? driving into the city; traveling alone 
• What do you appreciate most about your current situation? That I didn't (or don't) fall apart completely when life hands me lemons. 
• What’s something simple that makes you smile? (see cats purring above); babies laughing 
• When you’re 90-years-old, what will matter to you the most? That I made a difference in someone's life

Ahhhh. Already feel like I know myself better. Now, scoot, go visit that website :-)