I said I wasn't going to write about my health issues any more.
I lied.
It's my blog. I can change my mind.
The title of this post sums up how I've been feeling lately -- not just with my health but in nearly all areas of my life.
Emotionally, spiritually, and sometimes phsyically, I feel like the equivalent of a stalled car.
My test results have come back from my primary care and obgyn doctors. Nothing is showing up as abnormal. For most people, this would be great news; for me, it just means that whatever is wrong with me is deeper than a battery of blood tests.
And there is something wrong. I've followed dietetian's recommendations and eat 1500-1600 calories a day; I eat very little processed foods and try to eat a well-balanced diet of proteins, fats and carbs. I work out 5-6 days a week, walking, biking, dancing, doing martial arts and pole dancing. I've taken a medicine for my pre-diabetic blood sugar. After 1 month of a medicine that's supposed to help the normal person drop 10 pounds in a month, I'm still wrestling with the same 3 pounds that go up and then down on the scale.
Readers have commented or emailed me with diet ideas. I can't tell you how much I appreciate the advice -- the problem I (and my doctor) have found is that nothing is working.
At the moment, I'm venturing down two roads: trying to find an endocrinologist and meeting with a bariatric surgeon. Either way, something will change or else my health may be the death of me.
The stress of not being able to get healthy (I don't even look at it as losing weight any longer; it's more about making my body healthy) is taking its toll. I'm irritable and depressed and wish the motor that is my metabolism, hormones, or whatever is defunct, would move for the love of god.
On the career front, I feel as equally stalled as I do with my body.
To know me well is to know that I am an ass-kicker who goes big or goes home. I'm an over-achiever and I don't do well what feels like my own mediocrity. I aspire to big things and feel deflated and starved if I don't achieve them.
Intelligently, I know I've got many great accomplishments under my belt in my 36 years. I can't help but want more and I feel like I've failed myself because I haven't achieved these things yet.
My family. Lord save them all from me and my no-longer-on-an-anti-depressant irritability. I keep on a cheerful demeanor for most of my loved ones; but my poor husband and my mother have been on the receiving end of most of my vents. I'd probably be sleeping under a bridge in the southside of Chicago if it wasn't for them. I've started to question how much more frustration-infused contemplation I can throw their way. I suppose that's why I've retuned to write this blog post.
My dear readers, I need help.
How do I find contentment? How do I quiet the voices in my head that tell me I have failed myself for not being better than I am right now?
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1 comment:
I am not sure what all tests you've had done but have your had a full thyroid panel done? By full, I mean: TSH, Free T3, Free T4, Reverse T3, thyroid antibodies (anti-TPO and TgAb). Plus, additional labs: iron (ferritin, % saturation, TIBC and serum iron), adrenal cortisol levels, B-12, folate, vitamin D3, magnesium, potassium?
I went thru hell for nine years before I found a doctor that helped and changed it all for me. Most doctors will check TSH and falsely think it's within normal ranges (they use the OLD range for normal, not the new range) and don't bother to check anything else. Free T3 and Free T4 and Reverse T3 very important and overlooked. Iron labs important. Vitamin D3 so important. Many mainstream doctors overlook many of these but when you bring all these within range, you start to feel better. I lost 20 pounds when a finally found a doc who listened to me. I stopped losing so much hair. Moods improved. Exhaustion improved. Memory improved. My periods became regular (probably why I had such a hard time conceiving...damn doctors). I have read that if your TSH levels were in the very low range of the normal range, many people found their problems with conceiving went away. I know it certainly helped regulate my body to keep my TSH low. My body functions best with low TSH, mid-range T4, and higher normal T3. For weight loss, I found cutting out white sugar and white flour helps me tremendously. Those things are bad for me anyway (but they ARE good...have to admit).
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