In the beginning of his traveling, I hated it. I think there have been numerous blog posts about how much I didn't like it. There was the loneliness aspect of it; the co-parenting aspect of it; the 'what was the point of getting married if I'm alone' aspect of it. All of that still rumbles around in my head although nowhere near as loudly as before.
We're going on the fourth year of this arrangement and I've grown used to life as a commuter wife.
I think I'm alone now
Something I'm very proud of about myself is that I can handle being alone. I was an only child until I turned 18 and even then, there was an element of alone-ness as I went from only child to older sister. While my mom was in pre-term labor with my brother and sister (at her 29th week), I was at home with pneumonia so bad I almost had to be hospitalized... twice. My stepdad was at the hospital with my mom, which left me at home somewhat alone. I should add that the hospital was a good 45-mile trip one way and this was Chicago....in the Winter.I have vivid memories of driving myself to the doctor for my initial diagnosis only to find out that my fever was .3 degrees away from hospitalization. I also remember the medicine-induced projectile vomiting that was so bad, the doctor told me -- and my mom, who was in labor 45 miles away -- that if I couldn't keep anything in for another 24 hours, I would be hospitalized. All of this went on while my mom and stepdad were at another hospital trying to bring my brother and sister into the world. The story has become a bit of lore for my now-18 year old sister, who loves to hear what we all went through to bring her and her brother into the world.
Don't even get me started on my 18th birthday. This was my absolute worst birthday ever and it involved me spending it -- you guessed it -- alone*.
College was spent with more alone time, followed by those years in my 20s where I reveled in the sanctuary that was my one-person studio apartment.
Love + Marriage
When I met and married my husband and brought his two kids into my life, I worried about the impact that would have on my previously solitary life. I wasn't so nervous about my stepkids as I was about my husband. I'd never really had to answer to anyone before and here I was shacking up with a guy. Thanks to my brother and sister, I could handle the complexities of childhood.
Marriage is what caught me off guard. I had to figure out how to live with someone that was something of an equal to me...and I found that somewhat difficult.
Just as I felt like I'd finally acclimated to life as a couple, my husband's career took off. Specifically, the plane carrying him to different places every week took off and I was back at home, alone....again.
It took me a few years to get regain footing as an alone-person, but I think I've figured it out again.
What I've learned from my life as a commuter wife
The Commuter Wifestyle takes some getting used to. You don't just decide one day to have a commuter marriage and go about your merry way. In some ways, the commuter marriage has helped me in other areas of my life, such as:
- Don't be afraid of who you are. If anything, being a commuter wife has helped me realize who I really am and what I'm all about. I spent an inordinate amount of time by myself and am able to fully grasp what makes me tick...and what ticks me off.
- Don't be afraid to go at it alone. If I want to do something -- be it a class, a movie, a meal -- I will go by myself if I really want it. Similarly, if no one else agrees with me on something in the house, I'm perfectly okay to suck it up and do it by myself.
- Don't be afraid to try new things. I've rehabbed entire sections of our house, taken up painting and now have a green belt in Karate all in the 3ish years my husband and I have had the commuter life. I also stepped back from involved parenting and started reading a lot more. I think these have been the happiest years of my life because I've tried things I didn't think were possible before I remembered how wonderful being by myself felt.
*my parents were not mean people, they just had more pressing things to attend to, like my brother and sister were still in hospitals and my mother's godmother had died right before my birthday and her funeral was held on the same day as my birthday.
7 comments:
Wow! You have had a lot of time by yourself. I have to say, I am very comfortable in my own company and often times, crave it. My husband travels occassionally for work and I look forward to that time. Not because I don't love him or love spending time with him, but rather it gives me a chance to recharge my batteries, if you will. I never mind if plans have been made allowing me time alone. I find it refreshing to connect to the 'old' me and to do things I enjoy.
I loved this post. I believe that a lot of people are uncomfortable with being alone. I have and do spend a fair amount of my time alone, even though I live with someone. I think it's a blessing to be able to go out and do your own thing, enjoy your own company and explore your personal passions. What's the alternative if you can't find someone to join you? Not do that thing that you want to? I say, go do it. I'm glad that you've found the joy in yourself. I really enjoyed this post.
I LOVE being alone. Love, love, LOVE it. My husband traveled for work more when I first started dating him and less now, and I feel a bit resentful of that. Not that i don't love spending time with him, but when he is home I feel guilty for going about my way and announcing what I will do rather than coordinating with him and making plans to do things together and so on. I miss things like going out to eat and reading a book while enjoying a beer and burger at a restaurant bar (as opposed to the "table for one"), or sleeping late and puttering without a "honey do" list, or detouring on a whim without telling someone where I'm going. When the house is empty I nuke myself a quick meal or snack for dinner and disappear into my sewing room for the entire night with no feelings of guilt for neglecting anyone who wants company.
I have to admit that when I see people who say "I hate being alone" it's a red flag to me that I probably won't get along well with them. We all have varying needs for closeness, but I am a natural introvert and some alone time every day is vital for me to not get trained and irritable.
I'm with you Kristen -- when I hear people say "I am afraid to be alone" or "I don't like being alone" it raises a huge red flag for me.
I love being alone. My husband travels quite frequently, but usually only on the weeks that he does not have his three kids. So when he is gone, that leaves me alone with my two girls and we often go out to eat or order take-out. When I am alone at night after the kids have gone to bed, I usually retire to my room and read or watch reruns of Sex and the City-- stuff I don't get to do when he is home. I guess if my kids were younger it would bother me more.
How do you deal with the ex while your husbands away? My fiance recently started a job that requires a great deal of travel. They have split custody but his ex told me she'll be picking my SS up every now and then on OUR scheduled days. this makes me feel like a babysitter and I'm not ok with that. However, I'm not sure I have any legal right to say no. My SS has had the same schedule/routine for years now and I don't think its best to disrupt that simply because his dad is out of town. We have a daughter together as well and (the kids) deserve to have a relationship as well. By the way, my fiance is in total aggreeance (is that even a word?) with me on this issue. I just don't know how to handle this...:-(
ASL -- At first, when I was a more involved stepparent, I interacted with my stepkids' mom over the phone, email, text, etc. I'm not as involved and once I made it clear that I do not consider myself Mom or Dad and that they needed to make their own arrangements, that did seem to make things go more smoothly.
HOWEVER, there are still some instances where logistics don't run as smoothly and I agree to watch the kid(s); although I don't do it regularly (because, like you, I don't like feeling like I'm being treated like a babysitter).
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