Sometimes you need to just step back from yourself

It is often said that during our childhood developmental years, right before we're about to make a huge leap of developmental progress, we regress back to old patterns and behaviors. I think the same developmental 'dance' can be said for adults.

This has certainly been the case for me during the last half of 2011. As I often do at the end of a year, I've read through this year's blog posts only to wince at the decline in progress I'd made toward finding and maintaining my 'true self.' In January, I was so confident in my stepmotherhood that I penned a post on meeting the 'lion stepmom.'  Compare that to December 5th's I just live here post and you start to get the sense that somewhere along the way, I lost my footing and fell to the bottom of a self-loathing pity cave.

I've spent the better half of December trying to pull myself out of the pity cave. I've vowed to myself to start 2012 with a fresh perspective and a new set of personal development goals. I've used most of my free time this month to read and reflect on how I can improve myself and my relationships.

One of my fellow Stepchicks suggested I read Women Who Love Too Much. This was after I'd confessed that I wasn't happy that I'd allowed myself to be treated like a doormat for most of my life. What I learned in reading the book is that having grown up with a rather dysfunctional parent who constantly criticized me paved the way for a childhood and adulthood where I constantly sought approval from everyone around me. I was a people-pleaser to the nth degree because that's what I thought I needed to be to gain love, acceptance and approval. It never really occurred to me until that book that people should love me and accept me for just being me.

I've now moved on to Finding your own North Star which I'm taking a while to read mostly because there are self-reflective quizzes every other page. It's an innovative book in that it encourages readers to get in touch with their 'essential self' and to stop doing things that seem meaningless.

During yesterday's daily Facebook reading -- Round 1 anyway -- I came across a blog post that made the rounds throughout a lot of Stepmom-related groups. The post, 30 Things to Stop Doing To Yourself catapulted me into this new mindset that 2012 will be a year of positive transformation for me.

The post lists 30 reminders of how not to bring yourself down. There are some that jumped out at me more than others as things I really need to get a better hold of in my life. For instance:

• Stop spending time with the wrong people.
• Stop putting your own needs on the back burner.
• Stop trying to be someone you’re not.
• Stop trying to hold onto the past. 
• Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself.
• Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others.
• Stop trying to be everything to everyone.

I think what I've learned about myself these past few weeks is that I let other people's opinions of me destroy what I thought about myself. I've let people's manipulative behaviors toward me dictate my personal mental trajectory.

What I learned most from this self-reflective process is that I almost needed to step back from myself to figure out what I thought about my own situation. I had to disengage from my own dysfunctional beliefs about myself in order to recognize that they were dysfunctional.

So now, on the eve of New Year's Eve, I feel armed with some good goals for the new year. I've printed out the 30 things and will add it to my 'inspiration papers' along with the notes I've been accruing in my new journal. I'm hopeful that this time next year, I'll be writing about what an amazing year I've had and how true and free I feel about myself.

But that's next year...

I resolve...

You know what I like about having a blog? 1) Free advice and 2) Accountability.

The comments that came in on my last post reminded me to be myself. Some how, some where I lost sight of that notion and let everyone else's input and my inner critic take over my otherwise self-affirming brain.

Being that it's almost a new year, I've decided to pen a few resolutions that I hope I can master in the next year. Some will be insightful, some meaningful, some of them downright vapid. This list, like me, is ever-evolving so feel free to make suggestions. Similarly, if you've got your own list or are considering drafting a resolution wishlist, let me know. I'd love to be your accountabilibuddy.

This next year, I resolve to.....

• Grow my hair out another 6 inches (told you some would be vapid)
• Let my gray hairs grow out rather than cover them up...I'm going to be 36 years old. At what point do I admit to myself I'm getting old enough to rock gray hair? 
• I'm going to rock my uniqueness. I found the Oregon state motto (pictured above) on a Quotable card and I fell in love. I think I often forget that the thing that makes me me is that I don't like to be like everyone else. I may do it to fit in, but I don't like it. It feels uncomfortable.
• I will take my brother, sister and stepkids to Europe. This one is already on the books and flights are booked; however, I want to make a point of making a ton of memories on this trip.
• I will not participate in bully behavior. The next time I'm around people that participate in bully behavior, I will stand up for myself and/or the person being bullied.
• I'm going to not get a tattoo or surgery or a major illness. (Okay, I can only really control 1 1/2 of those things, but I'm going to do my damndest to try to stay away from unnecessary needles or pokes to my skin)
• I'm going to go on more dates with my husband. Of course, he needs to be a willing party to this one too but I'm going to make more of an effort to get him away from the xbox and out the door with me. 
• I'm going to figure out what sort of stepmom I want to be. I've gone all over the board with this one in the last few years. First I was over-involved; then I'm not-as-involved. I can't seem to figure out a nice little step-niche that makes everyone -- most of all me -- feel comfortable. My oldest stepkid is graduating high school in a couple of years. It would be nice for all involved if we knew what kind of stepmom was attending the graduation ceremony. 
• I'm going to be.... My brain is always swirling around with how I can be better. That's not exactly a bad thing except for the fact that over-analyzing can lead to self-imposed drama and frankly I'd like to spend my remaining years of my 30s actually getting super comfortable in my own skin. 

That's all I've got for now....

Adventures in Stepping Back: "I just live here"

My husband, mom, sister and I went to a concert on Friday evening. It was to celebrate my sister's upcoming 18th birthday and we were going to see three great acts we'd all been anxious to hear. During the rush-hour traffic commute into downtown Chicago, my sister had asked how her step-niece and step-nephew were.

Apparently my stepson had an issue at school that week. My stepdaughter was doing well although my husband needed to help her with something during the weekend. The issue and the help were news to me. As my husband told us about my stepkids I sat and wondered why I hadn't known this before that point.

Because of our living situation, I would imagine my husband operates on two information planes: The kids-and-mother-of-my-children plane where he's kept up to date on the goings-on in the kids' lives (i.e., issues at school, monies owed, places needed to be).

Then there's the wife-plane. This one is more reserved for the job frustrations, planning of Christmas lists and other household logistics. The kids-and-mother plane and the wife-plane don't often intersect so I don't hear about issues with the kids until someone else asks.

The frustration in that sort of existence is when the kids are with us on the weekends (as they often are because it's the only time my husband can see the kids and his wife at the same time) I don't know that so-and-so has had a tough week and therefore should be handled with more delicate kid gloves. Even more frustrating are those times when I have made plans for myself and my husband has agreed to do something with/for the kids and those plans don't mesh.

Essentially what we've got on our hands is a big ol' communication problem and I'm at a loss on how to solve it without getting re-involved again.

I've often joked with the kids -- when they ask about where they're spending the night or when they're being picked up or dropped off to be with mom -- that I don't know, I just live here. It started out as a joke but has become more of a way of life since I've taken the giant step-leap back from co-parenting. I literally don't know if/when the kids are going to be gone for an event or if and when they're going to be spending the night with their dad and me.

I'm a control freak so not knowing who is going to be in residence when has driven me to distraction at times. Combine that with a moody teenager, bored 10 year old, and a chronic XBox playing-on-the-weekends husband and you've got a stepmom that just wants to step even farther back.

I've been noticing lately that I just sort of 'exist' in this house on the weekends. I'm not the conduit through which information flows and my presence isn't necessary, save for the times my stepson needs an adult in the house.

I'm not sure what to make of this situation. During the week, you can find me following my passions -- reading, martial arts, dance, behavioral research -- because that's how I've managed to survive the married-but-singleness of my husband and I's living situation.

Once the weekend comes I become a shadow of that self. The house is taken over by a cacophony of screams and yells that make my head hurt. More often than not, I'm retreating to my bedroom for peace and quiet. By retreating, I'm also missing out on the family life that I think I want to experience and that on some level I do want to be involved in.