Anti-Drama Inspirational Words to Live By

A friend of mine posted this as her Facebook status last week and it's inspired me a lot lately. I wanted to share it with everyone else who wants to be inspired:

There comes a time in life when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh, forget the bad, and focus on the good. So love the people who treat you right and pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy.

The Stepmom Stepback -- A Year Later

I never could have imagined that writing about my Stepmom Stepback last February was going to ignite such a response.

Some women have loved it and told me that it helped set into motion their own step back for which they feel more at peace in their homes.

There have been other women that don't agree with the philosophy and have voiced concerns about my attitude toward my husband, my stepchildren and my family.

I try not to take those concerns too personally. I own my feelings and thoughts and take full responsibility for them. If someone wants to disagree with what has worked for me -- and countless other women -- then I will chalk that up to their issue and not mine.

My attitude toward my husband and stepkids is what has helped me sustain my step back even now, 13 months after that first post.

Over the past year, I've figured out how to compartmentalize the pieces of my life especially as they pertain to my stepfamily. Speaking with Susan Wisdom on The Stepmom's Toolbox Radio Show last April helped me with the idea that creating a 'bubble' for myself; one for my husband and I, etc. helps to seal out the unwanted drama I desperately want to purge from my life.

And so, a year later, that's what I've done. I've compartmentalized. I've set boundaries. I've created an imaginary velvet rope that keeps the unwanted things out while letting the things I want in.

How I've done is still a bit of a mystery even to me. On some level, I think the stepping back from last year helped me to realize that each person in my stepfamily is their own individual 'island.' We each coexist and intersect on different levels, but when it comes down to it, we all have individual goals, ideas, wants, needs, etc. Recognizing that has helped with the compartmentalization.

Another thing that has helped is realizing I can only be or do so much for the people in my stepfamily. I can wipe away tears or write an emergency check, but I can't -- or more specifically, I won't -- clean up their life for them.

One of the hardest areas I still have difficulty with is my husband's travel and living close to the kids. I genuinely like my stepkids. Despite any problems we've had in the past, they're really good kids that I get along with fairly well. My fuzzy gray line rears its head when my husband is gone for weeks at a time and both they and I miss him.

On one level, we have the 'missing' part in common. We didn't chose to have a husband/dad that traveled a lot. It just happened to us. I feel compelled to swoop in like the second coming of Dad and remind them -- and me -- that he still loves us, he just does it from far away.

On the other hand, I recognize that we all need to deal with this in our own way. I miss my husband; they miss their dad. The kids didn't marry their Dad, I did. I said 'yes' to a man that several years later opted for a 100% travel gig. If I decide I can't handle the nomadic husband I can get out of it; they can't. This brings me back to my island theory; we're all our own island.

So the Stepback story continues. In the year since my step-back, I've never felt more at peace with my role as a stepmom. I recognize parts of me that still need work, but I'm not so enmeshed in everyone's life that I forget where they stop and I start.

If you've had a successful step back I'd love to hear about it. Shoot me an email, leave a comment and for goodness sakes -- help me come up with a really good Stepmom Stepback dance!

Lessons in Self Care: In Sickness and in Health

When we last left our fearless heroine, she had just returned from a visit to Mexico with her husband and had finally started to get over her second degree sunburn.

Fast forward to now. It's been a month since returning from Mexico and I'm now couch- and bed- bound thanks to a bout of pneumonia.

For those keeping track, I had surgery and a subsequent cold in January, a second degree burn in February and pneumonia in March. If I keep it up, my husband's health insurance is going to drop me just on account of my inability to stay healthy.

These illnesses -- and their subsequent bedrests -- have offered a lot of time for me to do some introspection. I definitely see that I do way too much and that my body is paying a pretty steep price. Even now, with my disgusting coughs coming fewer and farther between, I'm looking down the pipe of a month-long exhaustion fest. A trip to Target yesterday -- my first time out of the house in 3 days --- rendered me so tired I had to take 2 naps and sleep 10 hours just to make up for the 30 minutes out of the house.

I've come to the conclusion that I need to turn my self-care up a notch. This self-caring stepmom is going to start focusing more on herself and wellness and less on people or things that take without giving back.

Things I'm going to start doing more of:

• Yoga. I haven't done it in a while but I can feel my body and my mind getting all tensed up and it doesn't feel very good.  As soon as I can downward dog without needing to go right to sleep, my yoga mat is going to become a permanent fixture in my living room. 
• Saying no. This one always seems the hardest to do, but if I don't want to take the kidlets shopping or to this that and the other, I'm going to speak up and say so. Same goes for the adults in my family. 
• Reclaiming my 'me' time. For a woman that lives by herself during the week, I have very little me time. Mind you, half of my free time is spent doing things for me (like Karate) but I think I can do a better job of taking back my nights. I WILL designate Tuesday nights as my NOTHING BUT ME night. NOTHING BUT ME will consist of bubble baths, nail painting, reading and loofahing things (although maybe not in the order). The point is, I need to reclaim my time and stop giving it away. 

I also want to give a huge shout out to my husband who, despite not being able to make it home this weekend, was the best long-distant husband a girl could ask for. When he thought he was coming home, he'd made sure the kids weren't going to come into the house so that 1) they wouldn't get sick too and 2) I could focus on myself getting better instead of  taking care of everyone else. My husband was going to give up a weekend with his kids so I could rest, relax and recuperate. It gives me goose bumps to know he was that caring. Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on how you look at it) American Airlines didn't want to cooperate with our plan and he wound up staying in Canada all weekend long. In the long run, he saved himself from the evil pneumonia germs and the kids were never in question.

So, ladies, I implore you to do what I'm doing and take great care of yourselves. Don't wind up so overbooked, overstressed and overdone that you're sitting in a doctor's office with a breathing treatment machine hearing that you have pneumonia and will be exhausted for at least a month.

Create your lists of things you're going to start doing for yourself and stop doing for others. And of course, share if you want to in the comments.

xoxo