My husband, mom, sister and I went to a concert on Friday evening. It was to celebrate my sister's upcoming 18th birthday and we were going to see three great acts we'd all been anxious to hear. During the rush-hour traffic commute into downtown Chicago, my sister had asked how her step-niece and step-nephew were.
Apparently my stepson had an issue at school that week. My stepdaughter was doing well although my husband needed to help her with something during the weekend. The issue and the help were news to me. As my husband told us about my stepkids I sat and wondered why I hadn't known this before that point.
Because of our living situation, I would imagine my husband operates on two information planes: The kids-and-mother-of-my-children plane where he's kept up to date on the goings-on in the kids' lives (i.e., issues at school, monies owed, places needed to be).
Then there's the wife-plane. This one is more reserved for the job frustrations, planning of Christmas lists and other household logistics. The kids-and-mother plane and the wife-plane don't often intersect so I don't hear about issues with the kids until someone else asks.
The frustration in that sort of existence is when the kids are with us on the weekends (as they often are because it's the only time my husband can see the kids and his wife at the same time) I don't know that so-and-so has had a tough week and therefore should be handled with more delicate kid gloves. Even more frustrating are those times when I have made plans for myself and my husband has agreed to do something with/for the kids and those plans don't mesh.
Essentially what we've got on our hands is a big ol' communication problem and I'm at a loss on how to solve it without getting re-involved again.
I've often joked with the kids -- when they ask about where they're spending the night or when they're being picked up or dropped off to be with mom -- that I don't know, I just live here. It started out as a joke but has become more of a way of life since I've taken the giant step-leap back from co-parenting. I literally don't know if/when the kids are going to be gone for an event or if and when they're going to be spending the night with their dad and me.
I'm a control freak so not knowing who is going to be in residence when has driven me to distraction at times. Combine that with a moody teenager, bored 10 year old, and a chronic XBox playing-on-the-weekends husband and you've got a stepmom that just wants to step even farther back.
I've been noticing lately that I just sort of 'exist' in this house on the weekends. I'm not the conduit through which information flows and my presence isn't necessary, save for the times my stepson needs an adult in the house.
I'm not sure what to make of this situation. During the week, you can find me following my passions -- reading, martial arts, dance, behavioral research -- because that's how I've managed to survive the married-but-singleness of my husband and I's living situation.
Once the weekend comes I become a shadow of that self. The house is taken over by a cacophony of screams and yells that make my head hurt. More often than not, I'm retreating to my bedroom for peace and quiet. By retreating, I'm also missing out on the family life that I think I want to experience and that on some level I do want to be involved in.
7 comments:
I go through this nearly every weekend. Particularly in church and it often leaves me feeling very wounded. My husband works within the security detail of our large church, so prior to the service commencing and following the first 15 minutes of music and contemporary worship, I sit next to the seat that has a faint "reserved" slipcover on it...All by myself.
Yesterday, we arrived 15 minutes early, (as opposed to five minutes, which seems to be the norm), so I sat in my seat with an empty seat on either side for at least 30 minutes. My in-laws, (retired and elderly) are staying with us for a couple of months from out of state. They insist the music is "too loud" so they sit three rows behind us. I have never understood how the music is really any louder three rows forward. My step-daughter and step-son-in-law will never sit with us (I really mean "me)because they insist they must be closer to the exit in case my step-granddaughter ends up needing to be retrieve from the nursery (pagers are given to each parent who drops off an infant or toddler), although my sweet little step-granddaughter loves her playtime in the nursery and has NEVER required this.
Yesterday I say in my seat alone as I heard in the background, my in-laws and step children all congregate in the same seating area, sharing nice conversation and laughing about life's little antics. I felt very lonely and rejected. When my incredible pastor came forward and said a prayer to begin the service, I knew he sensed my pain. He must have! He prayed for intervention for "those who were hurting and feeling the pangs of human rejection".
I wrote a little note to my husband on my program and slid it over for him to read. I gently explained "this" is why I am unable to truly develop a bond with his family. Yes, we "get along" and yes I love them. The bottom line however, is that having grown up in a step-family, then marrying into one twice? This type of rejection is just the pain I have come to expect. It never gets easier and I think going off into my own little world, just as what you speak of, if only a form of self preservation. This is what makes it possible for me to appear as if I live in a "normal" life.
Reba Mick
Reba -- Thank you for opening yourself up and telling that story about your experience in church yesterday. I applaud your self-awareness to recognize that you sit alone as a means of self-preservation. Sending an internet hug over the transom and wanting you to know you're not alone :-)
I used to go through this and then I realized that it was my problem. After all, as I got all put out when someone else asked "how's SD13?" and I received info I hadn't previously known, couldn't it have been ME who had asked that question earlier, rather than stewing that no one had told me? And especially when it's bad news, I think, "why didn't he tell me this before," it's probably one of several answers: 1) I'd get too worked up over it, 2) maybe he'd get to resolve it by the time we saw the kids again, and 3) it actually hurt him to share it, which is not something he really wanted to do if he didn't have to. It would be easy for him, probably, to fill our time together talking about his ex and kids, but he prefers to be present with US rather than focus on them. He is a wonderful wall between me and the histrionic craziness that comes from the household with his disordered ex-wife and two pubescent girls, and maybe he doesn't let enough of the trivial stuff come through, but he does share enough that I don't feel completely out of touch.
Being mindful of this, I try harder to ASK what I want to know. Before a custodial weekend, I say, "how is SD13 doing right now? Should I be sensitive about anything?"
It might be a little easier for me to understand his situation because I also came to our relationship with a child. I am probably not as considerate as he is since I routinely agree to do things or make plans without consulting him. They aren't THAT far off from what he already knows, like one weekend when we have my son I'll have to go pick him up at his Dad's instead of his Dad dropping him off (an hour's drive), but I guess I often think that if I'm not asking him to do anything different, I don't need to check with him. We are trying to be better - and actually improving - at communication, including our expectations. And it gets easier. But I think it's more work for me, the control freak (he does a lot spur of the moment), to take a breath, step back, and realize it's MY problem to manage, not his problem to conform to my expectations.
I can relate to this. My Skids are with us frequently, I'd say 30% of the week. But their mother is remarrying soon and they will be relocating. Our time will be limited to every other weekend during the school year.
I've been trying to do the step back thing and I have mixed feelings about it. While it helps me out greatly, it upsets my husband. He wants me to be as active as he is in their lives. I have my own child; she comes first. Sometimes I just don't want to go to their things, even if I'm free. How do you step back without alienating your spouse? I want to be a family, but I don't want to be their parent equivalent. Maybe more like an involved aunt...*sigh*
Erin, I sympathize completely with you. I've been reading your 'step-back' advice with avid interest wondering whether it's an (the only remaining!) option for me too. I wonder whether you operate a joint calender with your husband? I know it's easier said than done depending on whether he (and you) use one or not. People are often diary people or not but it is a method of 'telling' about an event by putting it in the diary. My partner is very much a 'not-diary' kind of person but we are both on line a lot with work and I have convinced him to use a joint on-line one with me. With the understanding that if something isn't in the diary then effectively it isn't happening. OK, so it hasn't been 100% effective. But has helped a lot. The idea is that things need to go in their in advance ideally but means that you can put stuff in there without necessarily having a conversation about it as a way of letting the other person know you've made plans. You do need to get in the habit of checking it though, before planning... Just thought I'd share. hope you don't mind. Also to take the opportunity to let you know I've been appreciating your musings on the best way to deal with these issues. So good to feel that others are in the same boat, same dilemmas. x
Thank you Erin (for this blog) and Anonymous (for your Church story) - I've been in a stepfamily for 10 years now and your example is the most concise example of the pain and loneliness that stepmom's endure that I've ever read. I grew up in a loving family w/5 children which unfortunately is spread all over the world. I never knew this kind of isolation and aloneness before I became a stepmom. It makes my heart hurt. And it's extremely difficult to describe. I grow weary of my dear husband telling me to 'include myself' in these situations. It's different. Why can't our families be more inclusive?
Thank you Erin (for this blog) and Anonymous (for your Church story) - I've been in a stepfamily for 10 years now and your example is the most concise example of the pain and loneliness that stepmom's endure that I've ever read. I grew up in a loving family w/5 children which unfortunately is spread all over the world. I never knew this kind of isolation and aloneness before I became a stepmom. It makes my heart hurt. And it's extremely difficult to describe. I grow weary of my dear husband telling me to 'include myself' in these situations. It's different. Why can't our families be more inclusive?
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