What to do if there is a bully in your stepfamily

• Relational Aggression: Are you the bully?
• Relational Aggression: Are you the victim?
• Women hurting women: Relational aggression
  and female relationships in stepfamilies

If you're anything like me, you've read through this information on bullying and wondered: What can I do about it? If you're a victim, you feel like you're being continuously been spit on by the DragonBitch that is your rival (aka, the 'other' woman). If you're a bully, there is a woman in your midst who you will try anything to piss off either because it's a fun sport or because you don't want her to have anything to do with you. Either way, it's a case of women behaving badly and it shouldn't carry on.

But what can we do about it?

First and foremost, recognize it.

Think long and hard about if you've ever purposely tried to manipulate another woman's success. Whether that success is in her professional life, her marriage, her personal relationships or the relationships with her (step)children.

Similarly, think about whether you've stayed quiet about another woman's intrusion into your home, profession, personal relationships or relationships with your (step)children.

How does this make you feel?

Have you ever stopped to ask yourself: Why do I participate in this kind of behavior?

In trying to figure out why women bully other women, a few theories became evident:

• An enormous amount of pressure exists for females to be sweet, kind and nurturing; we quickly learn to suppress feelings of anger and hostility rather than express them outwardly. (Dr. Erika Holiday and Dr. Joan I. Rosenberg)
• There aren't a lot of outlets for females to effectively handle unpleasant feelings; therefore we tend to express anger through hurtful behaviors. Females tend to respect males more than other females so other females become the outlet of our anger. (Dr. Erika Holiday and Dr. Joan I. Rosenberg)
• Women (and girls) develop their identities in the context of relationships. We are who we are and we feel how we feel because of of our friendships and partnerships. (Cheryl Dellasega, Ph.D.)
• Relational aggression is about power. "Women who don't believe in themselves, who are threatened by others and see them as 'the enemy' will lash out in an effort to make themselves feel more in control" (Cheryl Dellasega, Ph.D.)

The theories provide a few reasons why women hate on other women but it doesn't exactly explain what to do to get past it. 

In everything I read about bullying and relational aggression, all of the experts recommend taking a long hard look at all of your relationships -- with yourself, your true friends, your intimate partners, acquaintances, even your enemies. How do each of these relationships make you feel? Reflect back on the positive traits each person (including yourself) has. Are you incredibly loyal...almost to a fault?

At the same time, identify your triggers. What traits or behaviors about yourself and others make you angry? Are you territorial? Are you quick to judge or react?

Once you've identified your traits and behaviors, reflect back on times you've hurt or have been hurt by other women. If you've hurt other women, what was the purpose? Were you trying to achieve something or win a 'prize'? Is there another way to express your anger or competitiveness in a more respective manner?

If you've been someone hurt by another woman, ask yourself what is it specifically that hurt? Did you feel that something had been taken from you? Is there a way you could have expressed yourself that wouldn't have seemed retaliatory or that wouldn't have caused a backlash?

As women, we serve as the best role models for other females in our lives. If you want to serve as a good mother, stepmother, role model, etc. the best thing you can do is practice forgiveness and compassion.

Forgiveness and compassion, though hard to fathom for someone we don't like, is often the best way to get past the gut-wrenching anger we have toward one another.

Forgiving someone is always an alternative yet so many people choose not to do it because they're rather hold on to the anger. For many, letting go of the anger is like saying to the other person: "you've won." Holding on to the negative emotion can feel like the right thing to do; it fuels you to rally around a cause or a person and in some instances, it garners you sympathy or respect from others. Did you know, however, it's been scientifically proven that holding on to that anger is actually more detrimental than letting go or forgiving the person(s) you're angry at?

In the same vain, did you know most instances that lead to anger are caused by a misunderstanding or assumption? For the mathematically minded out there that means we've taken something we don't know to be true, compounded it with feelings of anger and have gotten ourselves so worked up over this feeling that now we're practically suffering from a physical ailment....all because we didn't confront the issue to begin with?  Seems to me there is a great solution to this problem.

That solution is: confront the issues when they happen.

Bio-Mom: If you're not keen on Stepmom taking your daughter for a haircut, please tell her in a manner that you yourself would like to be told. Explain that it's something you like to do together with your daughter and that you cherish that girl time. Don't send nasty messages, don't be passive aggressive and PLEASE do not tell all of your friends on Facebook that 'the Bitch' has your daughter for the weekend.

Stepmoms: If you're not a fan of how the Bio-Mom does something, please tell her in a manner that you yourself would like to be told. Recognize -- and respect --  the biological connection that the mother has with this child. Explain your reasoning or request and hope that your husband has your back. Don't send nasty messages to your husband about his ex, don't be passive-aggressive or spiteful and launch Facebook vitriol about the Bio-Mom is going to screw up her kids.

From what I've gleaned from the books, articles and people I've talked to, it comes down to respect and forgiveness. None of us are perfect and all of us are bound to make mistakes. Respect and forgive that fact and move on.....or move out.... but don't keep beating people up because of it.

Have you experienced relational aggression? How did you deal with it?