Relational Aggression: Are you the bully?

In Women hurting women: Relational aggression and female relationships in stepfamilies, I introduced the idea of relational aggression especially as it pertains to mom and stepmom relationships.

If you recall, relational aggression is "the use of relationships to hurt another. It's a way of verbal violence in which words rather than fists inflict damage."

Relational aggression typically includes at least three people:

• The aggressor (the bully)
• The victim (the bullied)
• The people who standby or transfer information to and from the bully and the victim

According to Dellesaga in Mean Girls Grown Up, "Aggression between women occurs as a genetic, protective drive to find the best circumstances to ensure the survival of children." She goes on to say that "women view other women as competitors for resources, with men being one of the more helpful resources."

Did you, too, recognize that a lot of what was just described sounds a lot like the basis for some Mom/Stepmom anger?

Everyone I talked to or read in regard to relational aggression spoke about power and self-hatred as being at the core of the reasons behind this kind of bullying tactic.

I emailed Wednesday Martin,  Ph.D., author of Stepmonster (and admittedly one of my stepmom girl crushes), to see if she had any insights about relational aggression as it relates to Mom/Stepmom relationships.

"I see this behavior much more frequently among mothers/ex wives than I do among women with stepkids and I'm sure anyone with a clinical practice is likely to tell you the same thing. Women with stepkids don't have the same power base from which to bully. They are often outsiders in their own homes, sometimes not sufficiently supported by their husbands on the homefront and in interactions with his ex, at least initially, and so much more vulnerable to relational aggression.

Meanwhile, the sense of injury a mother/ex-wife who is threatened by the remarriage experiences is something that can stoke relational aggression on her part."

Does this sound like anyone you know?

Before we cite every bio-mother we know for being a bully, it's important to look at ourselves as well to ensure we, as stepmoms, are not being bullies either.

A few things to consider:

• When you think about women in your life, do you use defamatory language to voice your feelings about them?
• Do you constantly feel the need to be in charge, make the plans and lead without asking for input from others? 
• Have you ever deliberately tried to exclude or sabotage women in your life?
• If you hear gossip about another woman, do you repeat it?
• Do you have meaningful relationships with other women?

Think about all of the stepmom boards where you see this kind of behavior going on. Could this be you? Could you be engaging in aggressive behaviors without realizing it?

Next up: Are you the victim?