My stepdaughter is two years behind my brother and sister. Already she's professed a few ideas of where she'd like to attend college. She, too, is exceptionally intelligent and wants to pursue a career that not many women go into.
On our trips up to airport every Sunday, my husband and I, without fail, talk about the state of our finances or some other financial issue that is in our heads. Talk of my stepdaughter's impending college was the topic last night.
I know I've matured not only as a person but as a wife and a stepmom when I tell my husband that I don't want to be involved in the talk of college finances. It's taken a lot of personal growth for me to realize that issue -- as much as it may affect me indirectly -- is between he, the kids and their mom. I told him that I would be available to listen to any happy or frustrating comments he might have, but given I have little to no input on how much, to whom and when college finances are spent, it's best if I don't even get involved.
And that is how stepped back I've become in this Stepmom dance. I've stepped back from major life decisions that don't affect me directly. Instead, I've told my husband that I trust his judgement. He knows me, my anxieties and my responses to things well enough to know what will put me on edge.
Up until a year ago I don't know that I could have offered up that kind of trust. It's taken a huge amount of self-examination and boundary-setting on my part. I'm looking at this college issue as one of the major indicators that I have officially stepped far enough back that even the bigger things in my stepfamily life don't make me anxious wondering if I'm going to get screwed over as part of the outcome.
For those of you that have stepped back, what indicator(s) are there that you've stepped far enough back? For those considering stepping back, what goal would you set for yourself to indicate you've stepped far enough back?
2 comments:
My SD is a junior this year and college bound in about 18 months. Her mother, who shares 50/50 custody, will not talk to my partner about college or paying for it. Three years worth of emails, calls, meetings in therapists' offices etc have literally resulted in not a sentence from her about the subject.
My partner cannot pay for college without dipping into his retiremnet funds. (His former wife is much better off.) Which means that I will be working later in life and enjoying a more modest retirement because this woman is behaving like a three year old.
Oh, and also, her daughter thinks mom walks on water and dad is the devil. Mom walked out, mom demanded the divorce, mom refuses to discuss anything like a grown-up. But mom's perfect.
This is not a good time.
How do you deal with the fact that your life and retirement will be underfunded because of your stepkid's mom? I haven't got an answer to that.
When I read this first comment what jumped out at me the quickest is 'underfunded because of your stepkids' mom.'
Part of my stepping back has been refusing to take responsibility for other people's screw ups or lack of planning. My response back to you/r family would be where is your stepdaughter's responsibility in this and in her college?
I look at paying for college the way I do about weddings: If you (your SD) can't afford it, you (actually your SD) needs to reconsider the options... not go into more debt. Maybe the SD should attend community college and live at home for a year or two while she gets more money in her coffers. I know every single adult in my stepfamily did just that and we're strongly encouraging my stepkids to do that too.
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