I've decided to start a new 'feature' on this blog: 5 Reasons Why. To kick off the inaugural post, I'm going to write about something that a few people expressed interest in when I shared my last blog post, A Hundred Little Things: Why I Respect my Stepkids' Mom.
I realize mustering respect for a woman that may make your life Hell can be hard. I like to think I lucked out in that department. Which brings me to reason #1:
1. My stepkids' mom is gracious. We've had our disagreements, but in the big picture, I've married into a family that expresses gratitude when I contribute to my stepkids' lives.
2. My stepkids' mom is a good teacher. While my stepkids' mom has a degree in education (and is a good educational teacher to boot), she's also done a tremendous job in teaching my stepkids to love. I truly believe the kids wouldn't have felt it okay to say "I love you Stepmom" or to run back in for a stepmom hug if their mom didn't show them and encourage them to express it.
3. My stepkids' mom is smart. If I may brag for a second, my stepkids are super smart kids who excel at academics. It never ceases to amaze me what my stepkids have learned or can recall at any given moment. I credit a lot of their smarts to their mom who has been a constant teacher in their lives. She encourages them to be creative and to think critically.
4. My stepkids' mom is kind. When I had pneumonia earlier this year, my stepkids' mom checked in on me to see if I needed anything. When I had my miscarriage a few years ago, she hugged me and told me she was sorry. When I'm feeling sad and lonely about my husband/the kids' dad not being around, she's understandable about the feeling and has been known to invite me along to events she knows I'm interested in.
5. My stepkids' mom is a great mom. She really truly is a great mom. My stepkids are amazing in my opinion and that they got that way was in no small part to her --- and that it impresses me to no end. She's compassionate and creative and she instills that same compassion and love within her kids.
For those of you who read this and felt similar respect for your stepkids' mom, what is it you respect about her?
For those who read it and couldn't find anything to respect -- what's holding you back?
8 comments:
I'm so proud of the mother's in my grand children's lives. Proud of your team work, proud of your integrity, proud that my grand children are so important to you both and proud of how well you both nurture them.
I'm so proud of the mother's in my grand children's lives. Proud of your team work, proud of your integrity, proud that my grand children are so important to you both and proud of how well you both nurture them.
What a lovely post.
Sadly, I don't really respect my SK's mom. She has done the exact opposite. She has taught them that it is okay to treat people (namely me) poorly. When first married, I had a very nice relationship with my sk's. She was threatened by that relationship and put forth every effort to abort it and unfortunately, succeeded. My sk's do not talk to me or engage in the life that my husband and I have to offer them. Ours is a classic case of PAS. I simply can't respect her for that amongst the other things she has done to my family.
Great post! I wish I could come up with something like that...
What's holding me back? Well I am not blatantly DISrespectful to my step sons mother, I don't have a lot of respect for her. I find it hard to find respect for someone who is so lazy and uninvolved in her childs life. Sure she has him 50/50 but I can't tell you the last time she checked him homework or took him to a dr. appt. or anything like that.
I respect her because she has actually listened to my BF when he said that she needed to build a relationship with ME if we were ever going to all get along as a group. And she has tried. I respect her because she has been honest about her own insecurities and how they have made her worried that I was going to replace her with her kids. I respect her because she goes to a dance class every weekend because it's her passion and I think teaching your kids it's important to follow your passion in some way is important. I respect her because no matter how she has struggled and said things to BF, she has never said anything bad about BF (or me, based on the kids' reaction to me) to the kids. That's pretty huge, and no matter how much she irritates me and gives me lessons in letting go of control, my life would have been much harder if she hadn't been so positive (at least on the surface) about the changes with the kids.
Very, very, few step moms can post what you just posted. More power to you!
When DH and I had to go to a guardian ad litem during our custody battle, the first thing the guardian requested from the both of us (as well as my stepdaughters mother) was for us to write 10 things that we like about each other then 10 things we dont like about each other. It was VERY hard to find 10 things that i like/respect about my stepdaughters mother but I did complete the assignment. Your post was very nice and it is nice for stepparents to try to find the good in the mother or father in such situations instead of always looking at the negative attributes that they have.
I respect my SK's mom for:
1) Allowing my SO to have them so often. Nearly every weekend, and he helps out whenever possible throughout the week.
2) For making the initial steps towards building a relationship with me.
3) For attempting to create a friendship with my own son, and inviting him to take part in activities with her children even when I cannot be there. She has even offered to assist with my son during the summer months when not in school. She runs a dayhome and has offered to take him during the day so he can spend more time with his new siblings.
4) For being such a great mother, and teaching her children love and respect. They are such amazing children.
5) For helping to shape my SO into the man he is today. They were together for 16.5 years. He has told me about his past, and he was once a reckless brute. If it were not for her being a part of his life, I have no doubt that he would be a different man. Although things did not work out, they maintain a respectful relationship, and for that I respect her as a woman, not just as a mother.
Although things are still in the early stages of our relationship, I hope to maintain a great relationship with my SK's mom and hope that other women can find similar respect for the women that gave birth to the children in their lives. In order to gain respect, you must first be willing to give it.
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