I make no bones about being a stepped back stepmom. I'm not uber involved like I used to be and I am now more delicate with my involvement. I've reached a point in my stepmom life where I pick my battles and choose where to assert any "stepmom" authority I have.
I've turned a point in my nearly 6 years as a married stepmom (8 if you count the time we've all known each other). I recognize I'm not Mom. I also recognize that Mom does a great deal of the parenting during the week whereas I help out when I'm needed or when I can. I'm also a good ally to have at Dad's house. I 'get' the kids and I'm not out to usurp anyone's authority or pretend that I'm the second mother.
In stepping back, I've taken ownership of my own happiness. I've stopped hoping that my husband would see -- and tell me -- I'm the most wonderful wife and stepmom he's ever known . I've stopped wishing my stepkids would sprinkle me with appreciation every time I saw them.
If I've learned anything about myself, my wifeness and my stepmotherness in the last 8 years it's that if I want something to happen, I need to make it so. I used to wish and hope that my husband and stepkids would think to get me a card around Mother's Day or recognize my contributions to their lives. I guess you could say, I was putting my happiness in their laps.
But as I've found, depending on others -- particularly for your own happiness -- is futile.
For the past couple of years, I've done things for myself around Mother's Day. A few years ago, I got a mani-pedi; a couple of years ago, I had my hair cut and colored. I seem to remember last year I just laid around and relaxed (I was dreadfully hungover from a party the night before). This year I have an appointment to get a deep tissue massage.
I've done -- and do -- these things for me. I choose something that feels like a 'treat' and I make it happen. By doing these things for myself, I've become a happier, more empowered woman.
I choose, on Mother's Day, to honor the woman who has been there for me through thick and thin: My own mom. She's the one who I feel deserves the praise, the kudos and the day-long feeling of being a princess. In my eyes, she deserves it.
5 comments:
good for you!!!!
Oh, Erin I could have written this post. This is exactly how I feel. I am NOT my steps mother nor do I care to be. They have chosen not to have a relationship with me and while I admit, it hurt for a long time, I have accepted it and now enjoy it. It has released me from all responsibility and I am heavily burdened with plenty of my own responsibility.
I am also planning on celebrating me and my Mom. She is more than deserving!
Thanks for another great post releasing any guilt from doing the Stepmom Stepback!
Happy Mother's Day to YOU!
I think it's amazing how time changes our perspective and expectations around Mother's Day. I had just posted on my blog (Mama J's Parenting Posts) something fairly similar. I now go create my own Mother's Day fun and don't wait around for others to recognize the day!
Happy Mother's Day.
Thanks for the valuable reminder Erin. This is a great post.
Great post, Erin. I just started on my own "stepping back" journey. Mother's Day 2011 will be the last time I will feel let down. My own mother passed in 1999, but I will mark the day from now by honoring her in some sort of way rather than awkwardly trying make it work as a step mom.
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