If you haven't heard about Chua, here's the really fast version of the bruh-ha-ha: As a tenured Yale Law School Professor, Chua raised her two daughters to be nothing short of successful (in every sense of the word) creatures. The daughters were raised in the "traditional" Chinese parenting culture: all work, no play. The kids weren't allowed to have play dates, sleep overs or do anything that wasn't meant to ensure they'd be the best at everything. Even their mom turned down a Mother's Day card for not being "good enough."
She is, for all intents and purposes, the queen of the Tiger Moms.
Well, Tiger Mom, I'd like to introduce you to Lion Stepmom.
In the big-kitty food chain, lions are one step down from tigers (according to Wikipedia anyway). They're as ferocious as tigers and have an equally painful bite; however (and I'm guessing here) lions perhaps lack the necessary luster to have as golden a vajayjay as their tiger cousins.
Raise your hand if you think you'd be a Tigerish mom should Ma Nature ever grant you a biological child. (You don't have to be as strict as Chua...but you definitely would set boundaries and wouldn't be a permissive 'okay hon...at least you showed up' parent).
Now raise your hand if you find yourself being Tigerish toward your stepchildren. I'm going to call that the Lion Stepmom syndrome.
I recognize in myself that I am a Lion Stepmom. My stepkids receive praise and respect from me when they've truly earned it -- not just because they grace me with their presence. I expect them to work hard and not to take the lazy way out of things. I'm not saying we don't relax around our house (the indentations on our couch and the kids' beds would prove we certainly do relax); however, when it comes to life at our house doing the bare minimum won't cut it.
I'm not the punisher at our house (at least when their dad is home I'm not), but I'm probably the one most likely to ensure a punishment is carried out. I grew up with a lot of boundaries and rules and believe it made me a better, self-controlled person as a result. In turn, I parent with boundaries.
I am strict. I admit to that. I would never tell my stepkids a handmade card is crap; however, I would tell them that laziness and taking the easy way out will only get you a crappy life in the long run.
Go ahead, follow your dreams, but make sure you dreams pay a decent salary that helps you put a roof over your head and food on the table. The Bank of Dad and Stepmom does not subsidize after-college costs. And yes, college is a requirement. Very few people ever become successful in life without a college diploma. And yes, we expect you to be successful.
Meow.
7 comments:
Love this post! I'm not only a Tigar Mom but a Lion Stepmom as well...
While I grew up with super strict rules & boundaries, to the point of rebelling, I think I've done a really good job of taking it down one or two notches while maintaining boundaries & expectations of my kids, Skids inculded.
What makes it super hard is when the BM & stepdad (and my inlaws)are ultra permissive & never say "No" so we come across as the over the top, "controlling" parents...
Meow!!! I am lion stepmom! I was raised with HIGH expectations and I have the GPA and awards to show that my dad (who raised me on his own until he married and graced me with at stepmom)was not going to praise me just because I showed up to school. I had a job to pay for what I wanted and still managed to get a high GPA. I would be a tiger mom (tigers are my favorite animal) with the same expectations I had.
I was raised with high expectations as well. And did the same with my daughters - although not so Tigerish...my girls did play - soccer, softball, track, etc...and they got above average grades.
And because I'm one of those high achieving types, Junior was no longer held to "low" expectations.
Yup - I was a Lion Stepmom and a mooshy Tiger Mama.
Great article Erin!
I'm not impressed to see praise of Chua's article here. Frankly, I think the fact that her kids didn't turn out to be completely depressed, insecure pariahs is the result of a lucky coin toss. And while I'm not defending what she would call "westerized," lackadaisical parenting, I do think that there's a way to hold your kid (or stepkid, as the case may be) up to high standards without crushing their ego in the process. I sincerely respect the more Asian method of insisting on practice, repetition, etc., until mastery is achieved - but there is a) a point where it becomes harmful rather than helpful, and b) a positive way to do it. I realize that she makes the case that her daughters have never felt rejected or like they aren't good enough, but I don't think it's a stretch of anyone's imagination to say that now that they're successful at something (and adults or nearly adults), they can see the benefits of Chua's approach.
Just so we're clear, I still set boundaries. I'm not always available to fix my kids' screw-ups (the two biokids and the stepkid), and I will impose consequences when natural consequences aren't getting the point across. I believe that if you're going to do a job (any job), it's not worth doing unless you're going to do it right. But I also want my kids to be speaking to me and their father when they are older and have a choice about where to spend their holidays, and so I choose my words, methods and battles carefully.
Lauren -- to each their own.
I grew up in strict households and would consider myself pretty successful. My parents set a lot of boundaries for me (and 18 years later, my brother and sister). They also pushed me and encouraged me to be the best. Failure has never really seemed like an option.
I think I correlate strict parenting and boundaries with successful kids (although I do think there is a fine line which Chau did cross). I'm pro-fun for myself and my stepkids but not without personal sacrafice and hard work first.
Erin, boundaries - even ones that seem overly strict - are something I can buy in to. It seems like I was always the one with the parents that even my friends knew not to cross - but the standards fell between my adolescence and that of my siblings, and the results are noticeable. As a successful adult, I do appreciate it now, and that makes it easier for me to understand when my kids are quietly (or not so quietly) hating me for asking a lot of them. Furthermore, I can identify with failure not being an option, either - at times, I wonder if I've done something simply because I ask myself, "What kind of person gives up?"
I just don't love the unqualified glorification of Chua, mostly because I would agree that she crossed the line and I hate to think that other parents would assume that they have permission to be harsh because she did it, and look how her kids turned out! Either way, there's a lot in Chua's article and your post to discuss. As always, it's a pleasure to read your thoughts. Thanks for stimulating this discussion and giving stepmoms permission to expect a lot of their skids, too.
Great post, Erin! I am definitely a Lion Stepmom.
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