When I first became a part of my stepfamily, I knew the hazards of trying to pretend you were something you were not. My stepdad never tried to be my father although a lot of the fatherly things he did were sometimes an improvement over the real deal.
Somehow amid the wedding, the pregnancy and miscarriage, and the displaced father/husband I forgot about the hazards and tried to be like the second coming of my stepkids' mom. I don't know what came over me other than my need to indulge my maternal cravings. Looking back, it's a wonder my stepkids' mom didn't take me out back and kick my ass.
I've done a lot of growing in the past few years. I've also become a colder version of my former self.
My Grandmother, may she rest in peace, used to say that she wasn't born like this -- 'this' being a little cold, always speaking her mind and not always loving everyone the same amount (or at least declaring it). Since her death this past summer, I'm beginning to wonder if I inherited that part of her soul. Case in point? I still haven't cried for her death.
I've also become a lot more stone-hearted (my husband calls it logical) when it comes to things involving parenting, children, the poor or those down on their luck.
I'm a member of a couple of different websites for mom-types. On the 'uber-mommy' site, I'm the super contrarian stepmom. While everyone else is talking about the ills of being a Tiger Mom, I'm the one saying strict parenting is the best kind of parenting. I'm also the one that points out that not every family lives in Mommy and Daddy are lovey-dovey in the same house mode. Suffice it to say, I'm a real joy to chat with on that site.
On my own site, Stepchicks, I'm also a bit of a contrarian. Many a stepmom talk about being being the 'mom' of the house and on that, I (quite vocally) disagree. While there is no roadmap for stepmomdom, there is research, data and facts that support Stepmoms taking a 'non-mom' role in their stepkids' lives. Sure, you can love your stepchildren and treat them like gold, but try to be their mom when they're in your house and (according to me and who I talk to) you're setting yourself up for disappointment. And so that has become my scphiel: Be the non-mom. Embrace your non-mom status. Learn to enjoy being the non-mom.
Ironically, since inheriting my grandmother's cooler heart (which is really ironic given she died of heart failure), I've also found myself to be happier with life in general. There is something to be said with not being as emotionally invested in everyone. The person who I'm most invested in is me...the non-mom.
4 comments:
I couldn't agree more! I went into my marriage with the idea "I'm not their mom, and I'm not going to try and be one". Do I care about them, of course, but I don't try to be a "mom" to them. I've not really thought of it being cold though, but if it is then it's helped me keep a little bit of sanity...well, whatever I had to begin with anyway!! :)
Side note though...this weekend Muchkin #1 made Homecoming Court and when he had them announce his parents I was included in that mix. It did make my day.
Oh, Erin! How I wish we could chat face-to-face. Like you, I am the non-mom to my steps. However, I must admit - I don't like my steps and they don't like me. I spend the better part of the time gone when it is their week with their Father. I tried, Lord knows I tried, but was rebuked on every attempt. So I now take the energy that was once spent on them and have given it back to myself. I work two jobs, work out, spend time with friends, go to movies, I do all kinds of things that make ME happy when they are at the house. I know they will never acknowledge me as a parent and frankly, I am fine and content with that decision.
I admit, I am much like you. I've hardened my heart, grown a thicker skin if you will. Things that at one time would have hurt me, no longer do. I agree with you - it is a lot easier to be disconnected emotionally. Or it is for me at least.
Your posts are a blessing. You express so eloquently many of the exact same feelings or situations I find myself in possession of. Thank you for that!
Take care of YOU!
PS: I've been married over three years too. I can't tell you how many times I've left my husband in my head...
Erin, how long does it usually take to get approved for the StepChicks website? I sent a request a while ago and I know you try to carefully screen who gets approved for the website due to some problems so here's my blog as well jakeandjodie.blogspot.com
Non mom is what I do naturally, maybe even harshly, and my husband doesnt like it. He wants me to coo and awe his daughter and pretend like we are a happy little family when she is around, which isnt much since she is in Hawaii with her mom and new stepdad.. I dont really like children as it is and it is a stretch for me to be around her. This unfortunately is making our marriage extremely hard.. oh well, we see how it goes as it goes. Its just so nice to hear someone tell it the way I feel sometimes! Thanks so much!
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