10 Steps to Stepmom Self Improvement

363 days ago, I introduced the Stepmoms Toolbox Radio Show to this blog. It was something Peggy Nolan -- the queen of the Stepmoms Toolbox -- had conceived and asked me to cohost with her.

That was hands-down the best decision I made in 2009. We started the first show talking to Jacquelyn Fletcher of Becoming A Stepmom fame and proceeded to talk to numerous other stepmom coaches, experts, writers and therapists throughout the year.

I think being a part of the show saved me this year. You know that line in Titanic where Rose says that Jack saved her in every way a person can? That's what that show has been to me. I was a shadow of my former self at the beginning of 2010. I felt depleted mentally and physcially. I had put on 40 pounds and felt extremely taken advantage of by everyone in my stepfamily. I was a martyr who resented everything I did for my family because I thought they'd all like me better if I did it. I was desperate to not be a wicked stepmom because that's what I thought I was.

With each person Peggy and I talked to, I felt Pathetic Erin unravel and a stronger version of me emerge. I'd written a blog post on Dec. 30, 2009 about my word for 2010: Improvement. You could say that I stuck to my word in 2010 because I feel like I have improved 10 fold.

While it would be amazing if you could go back and listen to each show Peggy and I did this year, I understand you might be crunched for time so I'm going to condense the 10 things I learned this year that helped with my Stepmom Self Improvement:

1. Stop being a martyr. SERIOUSLY. The only people who like martyrs are those that take advantage of them. Wilma Ham was amazing at sending this point home to me. You will instantly feel better the second you stop saying "okay" when you really meant "no, I don't want to." 
2. Put yourself first. A lot of stepmoms I know have mentioned this sounds selfish. I used to think it sounded selfish too, but then I started doing it and noticed that I didn't resent things as much.  
3. Stop taking things personally. This one comes from Don Miguel Ruiz's The Four Agreements. To summarize it -- if the ex is being a bitch, the partner an ass, and/or the stepkids total brats realize that is THEIR issue, not yours. 
4. Recognize you are human. This seems like it should be a no-brainer (you're not a droid, correct?) but I often felt like I was expected to have super-human strength when it came to getting thrown under the bus, being lied to or having my feelings hurt. Once I gave myself permission to cry or get mad I noticed that my anger didn't feel as pinned up as it had before.
5. Give yourself some credit. We so often pay attention to what we haven't done right that we often feel like we're not great people. That is so not true. I'm a great person, you're a great person -- write the reasons down if you need to and go back to them whenever you're feeling like crap. 
6. Put the marriage first. My stepkids have a mom and a dad (more on that in a sec.); however, I have only one husband -- a man I'd like to be married to so long as we're both feeling the same way about each other. I love my stepkids, but they aren't the center of my universe nor are they the reason I got married. I'd rather they see their dad and I having a positive marriage than watching either of us dote on them because they can't accept reality. 
7. I am the Stepmom; not the Mom (or the Dad). This -- along with #8 and #1 -- were the hardest for me to come to terms with. I had thrown so much of myself into my stepkids' lives that I couldn't find the line between stepmom and real/bio-parent. Everything I did for my husband and my stepkids, I wound up resenting because I didn't feel appreciated. I did what I did because I felt like I had to be the second version of Mom or Dad. Once I came to grips with the fact that I'm the Stepmom and Dad's wife (not the live-in babysitter, chauffeur, maid) I started to do less and therefore felt less resentful. 
8. Be willing to walk away. Everything I'd learned this year culminated in me knowing that I am the best me I can be; I am a strong woman that can stand on her own two feet if I need to. I don't need to be married and I don't need to have stepkids. These are both choices I make on a daily basis. Once I figured out that I am willing to walk away if I'm not treated respectfully -- or at least the same respect I give others in my family -- then everything became clearer. I wasn't stuck in a dead end. I was the master of my own fate.
9. Practice Tough Love. Sometimes I have to do things I don't want to do; I have to say no, I have to decline invitations or I have to take away toys. I don't do this to be a witch, rather I'm practicing tough love. I've found being tough sometimes commands a better reaction than being soft or compliant.
10. Love yourself first, the most and always. There is no one that watches out for me more than me (okay, maybe my mom). The kids, their dad and their mom will always look out for each other first which means I need to watch out for myself. To stand up for myself, I need to love the person I'm standing up for and I can't do that if I don't love myself first and love myself more than I love anyone else. The second I let my guard down and love myself less, becomes the second I start to lose my grip on who I've become. And I can't let that happen!

I hope each and every one of you have learned something that has made you a better person or a better stepmom this year. I'd love to know what it is. Please share in the comments.

For all ye lurkers out there --- have a wonderful holiday season and keep taking care of yourself!

When one of your stepkids doesn't want to come over anymore

Ladies --- I can't thank you enough for your thoughtful insights and input into the reader question from a few days ago:

What can we (my husband and I) do with my 12 year old stepson that doesn't seem to like coming over to our house anymore. He seems to prefer his mom's house (who has primary custody) and when he does come over he seems really moody.

The rules between houses aren't extremely different although we expect him to do a few chores and clean up after himself at our house. His mom's house is a little more lax.

I saw a a lot of readers with some great ideas:

• Give him room/space. He's going through a phase.
• Don't force the situation. If the boy doesn't want to come over to Dad's house, don't force it. It will only breed resentment. 
• Encourage Dad to talk to the boy. This is their problem (that albeit affects you).
• Create even more peaceful harmony between Dad and Mom's house and perhaps start doing weekly or biweekly family dinners at mom's house -- with everyone (including stepmom).

Here's my two cents...

I remember being a little teen-age brat to my stepfather. He was the 'cleaning nazi' to my not-so-clean-freak self. In fact, I went to so far as to draft a letter to my mom and Stepdad once where I called them Mr. and Mrs. Highness and wrote to them about how I wasn't their slave or servant and it wasn't my job to clean their entire house. (I told you I was a brat).

I now know that I was angry about having to move away from my friends as well as the forced change in my cleaning habits. I took the anger out on my Stepdad (poor guy). My mom would always defend me which caused tension between my mom and Stepdad, too.

My Stepdad was pretty good at reminding me that taking care of my chores was related to self-pride. That chores weren't chores for the sake of chores -- they were exercises in taking care and respecting your belongings and surroundings. Once I got over my anger, the self-respect/self-pride started to make sense. I wouldn't clean up the living room and my bedroom because it was a chore -- it was more of a "I live in a nice house and I'm proud of it" mentality. It also helped me want to stick around my Mom and Stepdad's house more. When I could show I could take care of my things, I would be gifted other nice things.

Here's the other thing that I didn't realize at the time my Stepdad was doing but he reminded me (when I called to ask him about this reader question): positive encouragement. When I would do a good job cleaning the bathroom, raking, etc. he'd tell me that I did a good job and that he appreciated my help. He reminded me that he'd notice an uptick in my willingness to help out more when he said that.

And if you'd like more proof of my Stepdad's encouragement and self-pride exercises, here it is: As a Stepmom, I'm the cleaning nazi now. I'm the one who harps on the rest of the house to properly clean your room/space/office. In fact, there is a level of clean at our house that we call Stepmom Clean.

Stepmom Clean resides above Normal clean (which would be pulling the sheets up on your bed, putting dirty dishes away and cleaning up spills). Stepmom Clean involves some serious pride in belongings -- put your clothes away on hangers not by smooshing them in the back of the closet, ensure your bedroom, desk, toys, etc. are put away and taken care of, floor is swept, sink(s) clean, toilets doppleganger-free, mail organized. (in case your wondering, there is a level above Stepmom Clean...It's called Nana Clean and it involves washed windows and dirt-free baseboards).

Anywho -- Stepmom Clean is a result of my Stepdad's hard work in encouraging me to take pride in myself and my belongings. Participating in keeping a nice house also made me proud of being there and wanting to be there.

Ladies, do you have a question you'd like some advice on? Email me and let's see if we can help with your dilemma.

The downsides of the Stepmom Stepback

I've noticed one of the more disappointing parts of doing the Stepmom Stepback is the repercussions it has when there's a familyish event going on that you're not invited to.

Such is the case this week with something with one of the kids and I confess that my heart feels sad and heavy that I was left out.

I've made no bones about the fact that my stepkids have a mom and a dad and that I'm not an accessory to be worn whenever the feeling strikes. I'm my husband's wife; co-parent to my stepkids when they're in his care. I'm not the babysitter, the nanny, the housekeeper or the chauffeur.

But stepping back has also meant stepping aside and not raising a fuss when something doesn't feel fair. I'm having a tough time wishing I was attending a Christmas program at the kids' school that I'm not attending because I wasn't invited.

Some friends have told me to just go to the event regardless of the invite. "You're just as much your stepkids' parent....."

Some friends have told me that my stepkid probably expects me there. I doubt that. I may be a warm body to snuggle with and hang out with but I'm not sure if the stars hang on my presence at a concert.

But my internal mom-respecter knows that if I was wanted there, I would have been asked....And I wasn't asked. I've helped rehearse songs and bought concert clothing, but no invitation or mention of what time the concert is or where.

Intruding would have been selfish on my part and I don't know that this is worth the battle.

But my heart hurts a little today as I know my stepkid has a concert I was left out of perhaps because I've chosen to step back from being a hyper-involved stepmom.

Ladies -- if you've stepped back -- have you had instances where you've sometimes regretted the decision? Would you become more involved to be more involved? 

A Reader Asks: What to do when one of your stepkids doesn't want to come over anymore

A blog reader recently sent me the following question:

What can we (my husband and I) do with my 12 year old stepson that doesn't seem to like coming over to our house anymore. He seems to prefer his mom's house (who has primary custody) and when he does come over he seems really moody. 


The rules between houses aren't extremely different although we expect him to do a few chores and clean up after himself at our house. His mom's house is a little more lax. 


What could/should we do?

I have a few ideas for solving this dilemma (one of which includes checking with my own stepfather whom could have written this question 20 years ago about me). Before I chime in, I'm curious to know what my fellow stepmoms would advise this wonderful stepmom.

Let us know in the comments and I'll be following up soon with my advice.