It takes a stepmom village

You know the saying "It takes a village"? The phrase is usually meant to describe the community-based focus it takes to raise good children. I also think it could be applied to women like us -- stepmoms. We've come a long way in 10 years. Stepmoms no longer have do this alone . Aside from our spouses or partners, we rely on a village or community of women to boost us up, let us cry, give us advice and just plain old help us feel like we're not alone.

Those women are who I'm thankful for this year.

• I'm thankful for those who were consistent with their messages to steop being a martyr
• I'm thankful for those who reminded me that I'm not the mom
• I'm thankful for those who read this blog and remind me I'm not alone
• I'm thankful for those who comment on this blog and offer great advice or questions
• I'm thankful for anyone who has emailed me with words of encouragement, stories or any advice about how to be a better woman or a better stepmom
• I'm thankful for my husband who works amazingly hard so our whole family can have what we need and want
• I'm thankful for my stepkids who really are great kids that I'm not even sure how I lucked out getting to parent
• I'm thankful for my great parents -- all of them -- that raise me well despite my being a major brat
• I'm thankful for my wonderful siblings that wound up being really cool despite my not wanting them around 17 years ago
• I'm thankful for my employer who lets me take risks and have fun yet still work hard 
• I'm thankful for my cats who always seem to know when I need to rest -- Particularly Puppy Cat -- who will plop down on my chest as if to say "SLEEP NOW MOMMY!" 
• I'm thankful for the people that listen to Peggy and I talk about stepmom issues on our radio show
• I'm thankful for the people that write in to the Stefamily Letter Project which reminds me that I'm not alone or that my life could be so much more chaotic
• I'm thankful for my Stepchicks, whose dontations saved our site for the next several years!

I couldn't have survived 2010 if it wasn't for all of the people I mentioned above. I would have been a hot mess, a pile of blubbery awfulness and an all around sad Sally.

So thank you to the village that helped keep me sane this year. You have no idea how grateful I am for you.

A little advice for my fellow boat-rocking Stepmoms

Say it loud and say it proud ladies: 

I am a boat rocker
and I'm proud of it! 

I had a great response to my Sit Down, You're Rocking the Boat post a few weeks ago (yes, I know....I've been el-shitty-o when it comes to the frequency of my posts). I was fairly certain there were other women like me -- those who got the verbal or eye-twitching semblance of a "SHUT UP WOMAN!!" whenever they spoke up about something pertaining to their stepchildren or their stepfamily life.

I received regular emails, comments, Facebook comments and Facebook emails about that last post so I figured I was on to something.

One of the emails I received was from a stepmom whom I really respect and who told me (I'm paraphrasing): I'm not legally bound to these kids; any opinions I have about their care are not legally-binding; and if I operate under the capacity of what I am -- my husband's wife -- then presumably I should happier.

Let's dissect that for a second because I think a lot of us stepmoms could use some positive reinforcement when it comes to their boat rocking:

I'm not legally bound to these kids; any opinions I have about their care are not legally-binding
From what I can see there seem to be four camps of stepmoms 

1. custodial stepmoms that take on all responsibility of their stepkids 
2. custodial stepmoms that leave the parenting to their husbands save for a dollop or two of advice or punishment 
3. noncustodial stepmoms that like to contribute to the co-parenting
4. noncustodial stepmoms that have disengaged or do not have anything to do with their stepkids.

Each camp or type of stepmom has a different approach to parenting; however, we all have the same thing in common: we are not legally bound to these stepchildren. You could spend every waking hour with your stepchild, helping them with homework, making them breakfast, soothing their tears, etc. but it still doesn't change the fact that you have as much legal right to them as their second cousin twice removed on their dad's side (and even he probably has more rights given he's a blood relation).

What this tip reminds us is that when it comes down to whether or not Junior should be getting a new $100 toy for Christmas we can have all the opinions we want, but truth of the matter is Mom and Dad are the ones that should be having the conversation (unless Mom is absent in which case chat away). Mom and Dad don't want your opinion. Think about it: it's hard enough to come to an agreement with two people; throw in a third and you're risking a clusterfuck.

Leave the discussions to Mom and Dad. Sure, you can have an opinion, but it might be best of you voice it to your husband and not the entire gang.

This leads us to...

If I operate under the capacity of what I am -- my husband's wife -- then presumably I should happier. 

You are first, foremost and most importantly your husband's wife. You're not Mom. Hard as you may try to be like a mom, you're not the mom. I know that sort of declaration upsets a lot of Stepmoms. It's hard for a majority of Stepmoms to digest that they can do every motherly thing under the sun but will not be Mom to their stepkids.

Let's back up a second on the Mom/not Mom debate.

Who did you marry? Did you marry your stepkids or did you marry your husband? Sure the kids came along with package, but you married their Father, not them.

If you focus your attention on your husband and your marriage rather than your stepkids you might be surprised at how much happier you are. Let HIM deal with the dreaded ex. Let HIM punish the kids when they've done something wrong. While he's busy doing that, you do something that YOU enjoy.

One last thing that this wonderful email contained was a piece of advice I think we Stepmoms forget amid the "they're just kids; they don't know any better" banter we read and hear all the time. If your stepkid(s) hurt your feelings by doing or saying something mean, awful, rude, etc. then tell them....Outloud....that they hurt your feelings. If you're old enough to dispense it, you're old enough to own up to it. Tell them you'd like them to apologize for it; make sure you tell their Dad as well.

Do you agree or disagree with this advice? Leave a comment and let's get the discussion started.