Sit Down -- You're Rocking the Boat

For all the joys I've found of being a stepparent, I've also found a few not so great things. The one that hits me the hardest: the "Boat Rocking" effect.

Boat Rocking Effect: As in, please keep your mouth shut on X, Y or Z, because it might disrupt the peaceful harmony we have going on. This is also known as: It's nice that you have an opinion but please keep your mouth shut or don't do [that] if it's not going to promote good will among the two houses.

I completely understand the importance of household harmony. If everyone is working together for the greater good, then all should be well in familyland...right?

That sort of sentiment works well in a fairy tale. Except real people have real emotions. One member of my family may want one thing, but if I don't agree with that I either have to sit on my opinion and stew about it or voice my opinion and wait for the wrath to come.

And I hate that. I'm a vocal person by nature. I like to be able to say what I'm thinking and to either a) not worry that a pair of knickers or two won't get twisted in a knot or b) not worry that I don't have the backing of the people that love me.

I'm happy that both houses can work harmoniously; however I feel let down by the fact that no one 'has my back' should I want to disagree or raise my voice about something.

For example: Say I disagree about a field trip one of the kids wants to attend. Both parents can agree or disagree publicly about it but if I mention my agreement or disagreement, I get the behind-the-door-while-no-one-is-listening-or-watching discussion on how I should keep my opinion to myself because I'm disrupting family harmony. 

Doesn't that just drive you up a wall? I can't be alone on this. Please tell me other stepmoms are boat rockers too!

So the thing is, how do we deal with this? How do we stay true to ourselves while not feeling like we want to get out of said boat and just swim away to somewhere more peaceful?

Let's get a conversation going in the comments because I'd really like to know how I can stop feeling like I'm going to tip over the SS Family Harmony every time I open my mouth.

I'm concussed...and other fun things that I did this weekend

My stepkids and I were in a karate tournament this weekend. They did fairly well. I, however, did horrible. I screwed up my kata and I got what is believed to be a concussion from a sparring match. Yep ladies and gents, some girl half my age and a foot taller than I am punched me in the right side of the head not once, but five times.

I've been nursing a headache for 2 days now and am utterly exhausted all the time. I feel like I'm on a drug that makes you feel mentally 'snowed' or at least a little out of it. Don't even get me started on the anger-fest I had yesterday while looking for my misplaced cell-phone. Yikes! Good times in Karateville.

Whilst nursing my concussion, the family decided we'd all do a little floor shopping for an upcoming home improvement project we're hoping to accomplish.

Um, yeah.

You know that saying about if your marriage can handle a remodel it can handle anything? That is SO true. Who knew there were that many words that could be used to explain a simple project? Needless to say, voices were raised and agreements were reached.

One of the other things I did this weekend was rest. I've taken naps and long slumbers since Saturday afternoon and I still feel tired. I'm resting up today because Peggy and I are talking with Deesha Phillyaw of CoParenting 101 tonight on the Stepmoms Toolbox Radio Show.

This is going to be a great topic (coparenting is always a great topic in my opinion) so I urge, encourage and whatever other words I can't think of for hope you'll listen in tonight.

In case you need a reminder...

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/thestepmomstoolbox

Call-in Number: (347) 843-4229

We start chatting at 8 p.m. EST. 

Now, what's my name again?

A Meme-oir

I have about 7 difference blog posts started in my head and/or on my blogging platform, yet my brain doesn't want to cooperate and help me finish them. What I'd rather do is learn about people: who they are, what makes them tick, what kind of music they like, favorite ice cream flavor, current book -- you know, the really important stuff.

So I'm starting a meme-oir on my blog. I'm going to post 10 things about me. If you want to play along, take the same 10 things (or frankly, you can make up your own), post them on your blog and include a link in the comments section. I want to see what other people reveal about themselves (and being the blog whore I am, I always want to read other ladies' blogs!!!!!!)

Me: A Meme-moir

1. My favorite food on earth is mushroom and tomato pizza; closely  followed by Chipotle Mexican Grill Burrito Bowls with chips and guacamole. I'd sell my soul in exchange for eating Chipotle's Chips and Guacamole without caloric repercussions. Seriously. I have joygasms eating these foods. Dessert-wise, if you put a bowl of chocolate chip cookie dough in front of me, I'd have a hard time saying no to it.
2. My favorite color changes every other month. Some days I love red, some days it's green, other days it's blue. If you saw my house, you'd completely understand. Thank god for the color brown because it goes with all of my favorite colors. 
3. If someone made a movie of my life, I'd like almost everything The Fray has done and You Can't Always Get What You Want by the Rolling Stones to be played in the movie. Rickie Lake or Sara Rue could play me; Brad Pitt or Bradley Cooper could play my husband. I can totally see the movie opening up with the song "Under Pressure" playing while I'm busying getting everyone organized, cleaned up and where they need to go. (and yes, I'm aware, it's a little strange that I imagine a movie being made about me -- oh well, that's me. Ms. Strange)
4. To my family, I'm most known for being an organizing freak. Seriously. Organizing and purging my house, my desk, my cabinets, or my basement of clutter is cathartic for me. It's my drug of choice (next to Chipotle and pizza) and if I was more patient, I'd be a professional organizer. I don't have a lot of emotional ties to things other than pictures and jewelry of which I do collect (along with books). 
5. To my friends, I'm most known for being different. I took a different route to having kids, a different route with my marriage, and I have no shame when it comes to being boisterous, loud, fun or friendly. A lot of my friends are a lot more quiet and private than I am and couldn't imagine blogging or Facebooking about every thought that enters their head. Apparently I'm either fun or aggravating to go out with. I don't know any strangers and I'm really nice to waitstaff which I swear helps when you're hoping for an extra bit of salt on your margarita.
6. Things I collect include Wizard of Oz memorabilia, books, and jewelry (and apparently blankets if my living room and bedroom are any indication). When I was the 3rd grade, I was the scarecrow in the school play; my BFF was Dorothy. To this day, I've had a crazy fascination with Oz. I collect WoZ ornaments, lunch boxes, books, etc. I'm an avid book collector. There aren't enough shelves in our house for all of the books we have. I'm considering moving into a library and converting it to living space for my next home. My fascination with collecting jewelry came when I started traveling. I decided when I was 24 and went to the Bahamas by myself that I'd buy a piece of jewelry from every travel I went on. It's sort of cool to me to wear a necklace or bracelet and think of what country, city or state I was in when I bought it.
7. My Best Friends are my mom and my 16-year old sister. I sometimes think it's weird that my mom is my BFF, but she also knows me best and takes the best care of me (and vice versa) . My sister is the sweeter, more compassionate version of me so of course I'm going to be friends with her :-) I always wished my husband was a best friend, but he's not. I stopped trying to be BFFs a few years ago and recognize him for what he is: my foxhole partner. (which is not necessarily a BFF in my book)
8. My vices include diet cola, warm socks, cozy sweatshirts and Target. Put me in a warm sweatshirt, fuzzy socks, pajama pants with a Coke Zero in one hand and a Target gift card in another and you'd have the world's happiest person. Seriously. I can't tell which I love most: the warm socks that keep my always-cold feet warm, the warm sweatshirts that feel like a hug, the caffeine that keeps me awake or the store that has everything that is in my style. What's really crazy fun how much I could spend at Target buying said vices if money was no object. I get heart flutters just thinking of it.
9. My favorite books tend to be memoirs. I love learning about people and reading about their feelings and their histories. I may not like the person I'm reading about, but I try to read about what made them who they were. I tried writing a memoir last year. I discovered that in the process of writing about my experiences from my point of view, I was potentially hurting a lot of people's feelings. I didn't want to alienate everyone, so I decided to stop. 
10. I define myself by everything that makes me quirky: I love to laugh and giggle, don't mind being alone, am a good stepmom, can talk to just about anyone, will ride the cart at the grocery store, say "have a good day/evening" to almost everyone and am compassionate, cynical and forthright all in the same body. I love that I'm not like anyone else. 

Your turn ladies. I want to know more about you! If you want to do a meme-oir post something similar on your site and let us know where we can find it.

If you don't want to write a blog post about this, that's okay -- I'll weep a little and if you want to be responsible for my weeping than who am I to stop you :-) 

xoxo

Sometimes you feel like a stepmom; sometimes you don't

I confess: I have been a really shitty blogger lately.

I'm ashamed. Here I am, a supposed writer and I can't even formulate a few sentences more than once every three weeks.

Well, I suppose there has been good reason: I've been sick. I'm in possession of a mutant tonsil that wrought havoc on my neck, ears, swallowing abilities and just my overall ability to function. (Consider this a public service announcement: If you have a sore throat, get it checked out right away. I've basically had tonsilitis for 2 months and as a result my right tonsil expanded to twice it's size and obstructed my ability to breathe). The infection wiped out any energy I had which totally sucked. Not only have I not written, but I've gained back 3 pounds. Woe is me. I'm now on antibiotics which should annihilate the mutant. With my energy back, I also hope to be writing more.

Another reason I think I haven't been writing much lately is that I don't feel like a stepmom as much as I used to. My marital status hasn't changed and the kids are all very much alive and well; however, I don't interact with the kids like I used to. I get to see my stepdaughter on Wednesday nights for our Karate class and on the weekends, they are with my husband and I, but gone are the days where I'd see my stepdaughter after school and then my stepson a few days a week.

It's weird. I enjoy my alone time. Despite the tonsil, I've been happier and healthier since this new arrangement kicked in. I'm eating better -- and when my energy levels weren't so crappy -- I was working out more and I've really been enjoying my life.

Being happy that I'm alone more makes me feel like I'm not even a stepmom anymore -- or at least I'm a  crappy one. It's sort of the Stepmom version of "if a tree falls in the woods." If a stepmom isn't parenting on a daily basis or doing typical marital things day-to-day, is she really a stepmom? Or is she a singleton in stepmom's clothing?

When the kids are with us on the weekends, you can usually find me watching Penguins of Madagascar during cuddle time with my stepson or popping into my stepdaughter's room for fashion advice. I also love game nights at the kitchen table on Saturdays and all that goes with our family time together. Those are the times I feel like a stepmom -- a good stepmom.

I'm conflicted about my own feelings. Is it normal to not feel like a stepmom when those which make you a stepmom aren't around?

Discuss...

Great Expectations, Part 2: Stepmom in the 'In' Crowd

A few weeks ago, I wrote about how Stepmoms can readjust their expectations in order to be a bit more content. That blog post was geared at the stepmoms who were or are eager to understand why their lives aren't going the way they planned or wanted.

I'm going to turn the tables today and talk about the flip side of expectations: other people's expectations of you.

One of my biggest struggles in my Stepmom life these days is how to respond to what other people in my life expect of me.

I'm a fairly good person. I'm not wildly passionate about anything dangerous and I believe I have good morals. I started out strong in my pre-marital Stepmom years and became a positive influence in my stepkids' lives. Over time throughout the  marriage, I think most of the members of our blended family (husband, kids, kids' mom, kids' mom's family, husband's family) came to see me as a positive influence as well. I was invited to events and encouraged to participate.

It probably sounds like Stepmom Nirvana to some women. And it felt like that to an extent. All I've ever wanted was to get along with everyone and not to be a thorn in anyone's side so being in the 'family in-crowd' was a comfortable place.

Just like high school, the 'in crowd' has and its drawbacks. Being the loving and loved stepmom also makes it harder for me to do the Stepmom Stepback at times. When I can feel that I'm getting in over my head, my defense is to step back and to disengage.

This always confuses my family. I'll hear things like:

"I don't get why you feel like you need to disengage"
"That's awfully selfish isn't it?"
"I need your help with this because.....and you're their Stepmom"

It's a Catch-22 if there ever was one. I've strived to be included and in doing so, created a set of expectations that I would do anything to belong. Now that I belong I need to put up or shut up.

Where's ABC Family and its primetime specials about family members wanting to belong when you need them?

Have you found a similar circumstance in your own family? Did you succeed in gaining entry to the 'circle of trust' and find everyone's expectations a little daunting? How did you handle it?