Defining Normal

Do you ever find yourself asking yourself and others what is normal? I know as stepmoms, we often want to know what a normal stepmom behavior or a normal stepmom response is.

As a wife, partner, child, worker-bee, etc. do you ever find yourself asking: Is this normal?

Recently, someone close to me brought up something that was difficult for both of us. It was difficult for me to hear and difficult for the person to say outloud. It was about a behavior I'd been engaging in and it wasn't healthy for me in the long term.

I was aware of this behavior and had been trying to deal with it on my own, but having someone else bring it to light and tell me they thought a little less of me because of it was heart-breaking. I wanted to crawl under my basement steps and die.

Post-conversation, my brain has been running wild with various emotions and reactions. "How dare you...." is one; "Fuck you" is another; "Thanks for letting me know you feel this way" is one I can't believe I mustered and "Is this normal?" is the most perplexing.

I grew up with dysfunction. I had one bio-parent that showered me with love and another that showered me with criticism. "You're too fat,"  "You need to get better grades" "Why can't you be more like your friend?," "You look better thin," and "You'll never get married if you continue to eat like that" were some of the harshest things I heard growing up.

It didn't take long for me to believe what I heard. People who were supposed to love you unconditionally talking like that became my normal. I have a feeling hearing that growing up is what contributed to my thick stepparent skin.

As a wife and a stepmother, I hear a lot of things that get under my skin: do this, don't do that, do this better, don't do this at all, step back, be seen not heard, etc. Having grown up hearing I was a good person if I fit a certain mold made me believe that as an adult, I needed to fit into another particular mold in order to be considered good.

Intellectually, I know that's not the case. I am an all around good person who doesn't always do everything the way someone else wants it done.

Yet I can't shake feeling like this person was right to tell me "I think less of you because you're doing this." It needed to be brought out in the open so not just me was aware of it....right?

I keep wanting to ask anyone who will listen "Is that normal? Would you put up with that?" because I myself can't determine what's normal or not.

Being Blended: A Stepkid's Point of View

The majority of my blog posts focus on my life as a stepmom; however, had blogging software been available when I was a teen, I'm sure I would have had a stellar blog about being a stepchild. I was so full of angst I could have -- and did -- scream.

I felt like my world had been torn apart when my mom and father divorced (even though I expected it) and when my mom met my stepfather....let's just say I felt like I was being punished by God. I could never do anything right in the eyes of my stepfather. I was always getting yelled at for this, that and the other and I was this close to running away.

At the time, I felt like my stepfather hated me. I was sure his raised voice and demands that I clean my room and do my homework were his own brand of wickedness. Of course, I was a teen-ager and anyone who demanded anything of me was sure to feel my rage.

I know now that my stepfather was really looking out for my best interests. He knew -- maybe better than anyone -- that I was a smart girl who did not-smart things. His insistance that I clean my room seemed like a death sentence when I was 14. Twenty years of that habit later, I can't leave my bedroom without my bed being made and my room picked up.

My stepdad did more for me than instill a good cleaning ethic. He also reminded me -- and still does -- the lengths a non-biological parent can go to care. It was my stepdad's insurance that paid for half of my extremely expensive reconstructive jaw surgery when I was 16; it was my stepdad that helped foot the bill for college even though he himself never went and it was my stepdad that reminded me -- but never said outloud -- that blood doesn't make you a better parent.

Whenever I feel eyeball deep in my own stepmom stuff, I try to take a time-out and remember how easy my stepdad made it look for me. I never realized the pain that he may have been going through. I just thought about my own and made damn sure everyone else knew I wasn't happy with the arrangement.

I ask you, my favorite ladies, to put yourself in your (step)kids' shoes for a second. How would you react to the things going on around you?

Peggy and I will be talking about this topic on tonight's Stepmoms Toolbox Radio Show. We'll be talking with Traci Dority who is a stepmom and a stepchild. Traci is also working on a movie about blended families which we'll talk to her about tonight, as well as the journey of going from a stepchild to a stepmother.

Tune in tonight, August 30 at 8 p.m. Eastern for Growing up Blended with special guest Traci Dority.

Call in at (347) 843-4229 or log in at
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/thestepmomstoolbox/2010/08/31/the-stepmoms-toolbox-growing-up-blended

Something Wicked This Way Comes

Photo: Microsoft Clipart

I've long prided myself in being a good stepmom. I clean up puke, throw a good birthday party and I stay out of the way as needed -- in the grand scheme of things, I think I'd give myself a solid A in Stepmomming.

However, with my oldest stepkid starting high school this year, I can't help but notice the feeling that I'm ready to be an empty-nester. It's as though high school has become the gateway drug to a life of peaceful, quiet togetherness my husband and I dream about.

While some people have fantasies about Bradley Cooper, I fantasize about waking up with my husband on a random Thursday, reading the paper, drinking some coffee and going for a nice long walk without having to worry if the kids are okay back at home.

I'm ready to not have to worry about the little things. I'm ready to talk to my stepkids on the phone and ask how dorm food is. I'm ready to show up for Parent's Weekend of College of Choice University and down a cold one with my now legal stepchild. I'm ready for it to be just my husband and I.

And because I'm hungry for coupledom and solitude, I feel like I must be a wicked stepmom. I worry that I  shouldn't feel this way. I worry that people will read this and think "Good GOD -- WHAT A BITCH! She doesn't want those kids around!!!!"

That couldn't be farther from the truth. My stepkids are the cat's pajamas. They're great kids whom I lucked out in getting to parent.

If I could do some arm-chair analysis right now, I think it has more to do with my husband and I getting along fairly well right now and my wanting to spend time with him to hone that bond we seem to have going. Like every other blended couple, we never had that "just us" time and because of his work schedule, we have even less of it. While most couples can hire a sitter for a mid-week "date night" my husband and I can't.  We jam as much family togetherness as we can into our 36 hours together so that it lasts until the next week (or two) until we see him again.

I don't mind the family togetherness...I enjoy game night, post-karate demonstrations and Stepmom's Special Sunday Morning Lemon Sugar-Cookie Pancakes. They're traditions I don't want to give up. I just wish we could fast forward past high school and into college -- where everyone is on their own and less dependent on one another.

Back to my main point, being am I a wicked stepmother because I want my husband all to myself? Am I living up to Hollywood's expectation of a stepmom that looks forward to the kids being away at school?

Help!

Action Plan for Being a More Content Stepmom

I'm the type of person that sees tips and strategies and picks up the pen to start taking notes. Be a better gardener…Where do I sign up? Learn to love your thighs…show me the way to the massage cream and exercise equipment.

Be a Content Stepmom...Heck yes! What do I need to do?

Partnering with Peggy Nolan to co-host the Stepmom's Toolbox Radio Show was one of the healthiest choices I made for myself this year. Peggy is a stepmom and a stepkid and she has a heck of a lot insight. She also has a lot of great connections all of whom we interview on our show.

In the seven months we've been on air, I've developed something a list of ways I can improve myself – from being a better stepmom to being a better wife or a better person.

I liken the list to an action plan I might have at work. The plan helps me stay on task toward being a healthier, more content version of myself; not a nearly wicked nag that I wouldn't want to befriend.

Consider the following tasks if you're looking for contentment:

Action Plan Item #1 Don't Take it Personally
When you take things personally, you're making other people's issues about you. If your stepkids (or partner or his ex) lashes out at you for something that was clearly out of your control, recognize and repeat after me: I'm not going to take it personally.

Exercise: Keep a "Don't Take it Personally" journal. Record the instances where you felt compelled to take something personally. Pay close attention to the trigger and your emotions.

Action Plan Item #2 Affirm yourself
Stepparenting can be a thankless job that even with the best antidepressant can leave a person feeling hopeless. To become a more content stepmom, assess yourself and your feelings. Why did something make you upset? Did you take something personally? Did you feel like there was an element of truth to what the person said?

Exercise: Challenge yourself to write daily affirmations
Ban the bad talk; instead, write down a daily affirmation that you can keep within reach at all times. The daily affirmations will remind you that you're not the bad person some people may want you to believe you are. Some examples to get you started: I am a good person; I am a loving parent; I will not let other people's issues control me.

Action Plan Item #3 Remember: You are not the Mom or the Dad.
Regardless of if the Bio-Mom is a crack head and Dad is an emotionally unavailable dork, a very important rule to remember for stepmom sanity is that you are not Mom or Dad – do your best to not act like one. While seemingly admirable, some stepmoms have a tendency to try to overcompensate or overparent to make up for the biological parents' dysfunctions. As a stepmom, you may feel like this feels like the right thing to do. While being over-loved has rarely hurt anyone, overparenting and overcompensating hurts you.

Exercise: Keep track of your Mom/Dad behaviors.
As women, we're going to trend to want to swoop in and rescue the children when life has deal them a blow. If you're making phone calls to the doctor's office because Dad can't be bothered or remember, step away from the telephone and write down what it is you're doing and how you're feeling. What you may start to notice is how much you're doing for them and not for you.

Action Plan #4 Remember your spouse.
You remember your honey, right? The whole reason you got married/coupled up. At one point in your relationship, you two couldn't get enough of each other. You were wrapped up in a love cocoon and no amount of stepfamily drama could have made you wince. For this action plan item, I want you to get back to your couple time.

Exercise: Erect a Step Couple Bubble
Obviously, I'm not talking about a real bubble, but an emotional one. Work on getting back to that place where it was just the two of you in your love cocoon. Set aside time and real thought to what you and your partner love about each other and how you're going to combat the drama.

Action Plan #5 Kill the Martyrdom
Does this sound like you: I'm tired, I'm worn out and no one appreciates what I do for my stepfamily. Why can't anyone say thank you? Let me tell you a secret: You're not hearing thank you because everyone loves a martyr. So long as you're giving up pieces of yourself for other people, no one is going to tell you to stop. Why would they? You're doing for them what they don't need to do for themselves. If you want to feel better, you need to put an end to the martyrdom and take care of yourself first and foremost.

Exercise: Access your feelings and find a good support system
If you feel you're giving too much, then take that feeling seriously. Your feelings don't lie. Get in touch with those feelings and really dig to the bottom of why you're sacrificing yourself and not practicing self care. While you're examining those feelings, be sure you're rallying with supportive people. As any recovering martyr can tell you, it takes a village to help a person put an end to their martyrdom.

Would you believe I've learned all of these tips from the Stepmoms Toolbox Radio Show? It's been a tremendous help to talk and listen to our wonderful guests (many of whom are contributors to StepMom Magazine). If you'd like to hear more of what they have to say, you can download our previous shows on www.blogtalkradio.com/thestepmomstoolbox or bookmark the page for upcoming show dates. 

The preceding was included in StepMom Magazine. You're subscribed, right?

A Stepmom Walks into a Card Section...

The other day I was shopping at my local WalMart for an anniversary card. The anniversary card section stark; however, there was a sizeable section of cards marked just for moms.

I scanned the rack hoping I'd find a card -- even if just one -- that talked about the joys of being a Stepmom.

Nothing.

Nada.

The cards were non-existent and I left the store with the pictures on my iPhone, a bad taste in my mouth and an idea.

"Screw Hallmark" I scowled as I walked to my car.

I jumped on Facebook soon after and started to report my disdain for the cards that one could buy for a mom with sagging boobs or nursing nipples. Where was the card for me, Ms. Stepmom, who withstood mental batterings, crushed hearts and toes and had perfectly erect nipples?

WHERE?????

Ms. Brigette turned me on to Zazzle.com where I immediately (a week later) started my own shop. I'm starting slow mostly because I'm practically comatose from a bout of strep throat I'm trying to get over, but I'm open for ideas. You supply the witty sayings, I'll give you a cut of any profits I/we make.

If you look to the right of the page....now up a little bit....you'll see my Zazzle store. Isn't it cool? It needs a lot more stuff. So far I've got three things (one of which I don't even know if it will show up because I used the word "bitch" in a card).

Please pretty ladies, send me your ideas. Let's show Hallmark that they shouldn't piss off the Stepmamas of the world.