Want to Stop Being an Angry, Stressed Out Stepmom? Take the Power Back

I've found myself commenting a lot lately on blog posts where stepmoms have talked about being upset about something in their stepfamily. When StepMom magazine featured its Ask the Experts panel on Facebook, I had to sit on my hands to not type in responses.

What I wanted to say to these women -- and to all women who are struggling with anger and frustration in their stepfamilies is: take the power back.

I have the good fortune to have gotten past my anger. Of course, it's taken me seven years, an anti-depressant, 20 Stepmoms Toolbox Radio shows and countless emails with the Stepmom Posse, but I'm past it.

And it really has made the difference in how I see things when it pertains to my role as a stepmom and my family.

I've noticed a few of angry or stressed stepmom themes:

• Husband leaves/wants me to discipline the kids
• I'm afraid the step-kid(s) will be permanently screwed up if I'm not involved
• That bitch be crazy and I am forced to deal with her

If I told you that you can stop the anger and stress by doing one thing, would you believe me?

I know I've stressed this on the blog comments I've left, but I also know that the experts on the panel said the same thing: Take the power back.

Seriously. Take. It. The. Fuck. Back.

My stepdaughter is planning her birthday party (#14 WOOT!) at present. She's got a spending limit for the party, invites, food and the remainder is her birthday present. She can choose to blow the whole thing on her party or she can go half and half, 60/40, 70/30, etc. . She has all of these great ideas, but they cost money. Her father and I keep reminding her that she's essentially giving away her birthday presents to people when she loads more "accessories" into her party.

Her plight is apropos of the point I'm trying to make. If you're stressing out over giving away your birthday money (time, effort, blood, sweat, tears, etc.) take it back! It's yours to give as you want. If you don't want to give your power away, then don't! Hold on to it for dear life if you have to.

::::::::

All three of the common issues listed above have a common thread most women are hesitant to stir up trouble with: The Partner. 

"He's too busy"
"He travels a lot"
"He's given me the authority to do that"
"He prefers I do that"
"He can't take the time to deal with it"
"He's afraid of making the kid(s) upset"
"He's afraid of making her upset"

There was one word I used in every single one of those examples: He

Your partner -- He's the one that needs to figure out how to deal with the issues his ex/kids' mom is bringing to the table. THEY are the ones that brought the child(ren) into the world. If mom is absent or dead, then it really is up to Dad to deal with the issue(s).


I've seen so many stepmoms -- including myself -- get caught up in the "But, _______ needs me."

I'm sorry darlings, but no, ________ doesn't need you. We all tend to concoct this idea that as stepmoms, we're the antidote to the divorce poision. If we sacrifice our own happiness (or time, sanity, etc.) for everyone else, then we'll go to heaven after we've lived somewhat-happily ever after.

Back up the truck. Huh? Does that make any logical sense to anyone? Don't be happy now but be happy later. Why would anyone want to do that? I'm sorry. I choose to be happy now...and later.

I used to think if I helped everyone in my stepfamily out by scheduling this and that, fixing some of those, worrying about some of that, transporting Kid A here and Kid B there (let's not forget Husband 1 from the airport every other Friday and Sunday), that I'd eventually be happy because everyone would appreciate me.

Um, yeah. It felt more like they took me for granted and I grew angrier and angrier.

I was so sick of being angry it was making me physically sick. The stress was giving me anxiety attacks among other ailments. To make it so I wasn't a person everyone would eventually loathe, I took the power back.

1. First things first, I stopped being a martyr. Repeat after me: no one likes a martyr. If you're doing something because you think someone (including your husband or stepkid) will be upset with you if you don't, you're martyring. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
2. I started taking back my time -- from my family, from work, even the house. I work at home most days of the week. I can work until all hours if I'm not careful and that sort of midnight oil working makes for a really cranky Erin. So I stop working at 4/4:30. I shut down the email, go downstairs and start reading or doing something I like to do. Even if I only read for 15 minutes, I've at least given myself some "me" time and I'm a lot easier to deal with. 
3. I stopped bending over backwards for everyone. Sort of a sister to the martyrdom, I started to say no to things. My husband's travel schedule is hellish. He used to fly home on Friday nights at 11 p.m.  and then leave again on Sundays at 11 a.m. Would you believe I used to put things on hold -- dinners out, baby showers, visits with my mom, sister, etc.-- to get him to and from the airport. I was incredibly resentful that I was putting what I wanted to do on hold so that I could take care of him. Then I remembered that he's an adult and quite capable of figuring out how to get himself home or to the airport. Even that small thing has made a huge difference.
4. I started to realize that I was worth sticking up for. This one was probably the hardest to muster. I spent so much of my life feeling like I wasn't worth standing up for (even for myself) that I let things happen rather than argue it. The sum of all of these parts has been to realize that I'm worth taking some time for myself. I'm worth being treated with respect by my husband and his ex-wife and the kids.One of the most important parts of realizing I was worth sticking up for was also realizing that I also have the power to leave. Leaving my family would be the worst case scenario, but I'm willing to do that if it reaches a point where it feels like things can't be fixed. 

Taking the power back and by realizing I'm worth sticking up for (as is my time, my space, sanity, etc.)  has made all the difference. I know now that if something doesn't sit right with me and it's unable to be fixed, then the bags and keys are within arm's reach. It's no longer worth my time or my sanity to endure being treated like a second class citizen in my own home.

I've taken the power back. How about you?

Nuttin'

I had written a blog post last night; however, upon further inspection this morning, I decided it really sucked and would be embarrassing to publish. I compared stepmotherhood to the Wizard of Oz (among other things) and took a wouldn't-it-be-nice approach to everyone going about their day.

Sure, the post would have been nice if you needed a quick jolt of "what's she smoking?" but after reading it this morning, it seemed almost condescending....and I hate condescension.

So I bring you my Nuttin' post. Nuttin as in, I've got nuthin', or the slang, lazy version of, I have nothing to offer.

To be honest, I hate that I have nothing to say. I always wanted this blog to be a spot where people could pull up a post, ponder it for a few and comment about how they felt better knowing someone else felt the same way. Being alone more often than not and blogging under gag orders has really put a crimp in my blogging style...not to mention my content.

I guess there is something I can be proud of that's worth sharing: I've really enjoyed the new freedoms associated with standing up for myself more and not being a big ol' martyr. I would highly recommend everyone feeling resentful at the moment put down the martyr stick and come out and play because I feel a lot more content and less depleted than I have in a while.

So that's all for now. I did promise to write about the de-stressing techniques from last Monday's Stepmoms Toolbox Radio Show. I will still post them; however, I'm finishing up a book along the same vain and want to combine all of the things I've gleaned.

So while I'm fixin' to head on vacation to the Wisconsin Dells with the Griswalds (aka my mom, stepdad, brother and sister) next week, y'all help me think of what I can write about in the coming days, weeks and months okay?

Thanks loves!!

(p.s., my stepdaughter and I have been watching obscene amounts of Paula Deen on Saturday mornings and during our lunch "half-hour" at home. I think the Paulaisms are starting to creep into my vocab.)

Stress and the All By My Selfisms

For the past two weeks, I've lived a mostly single girl existence. The kids are with various family members and the husband has been out of town as well.

I've been all by myself and I've fallen in love with it.

That I've grown to love being by myself again has me worried. What's going to happen when the husband and kids come back to the house and I become resentful that I'm taking care of everyone again? I've done a pretty good job of stepping back and not being as involved, but my previous behavior as the uber-involved-stepmom gets me in trouble when someone wants me help out and uses the "you're a selfish person" card against me when I say no.

I lie awake at night and wonder at what point does being -- and doing things -- by yourself become the norm and at what point does it become necessary to have someone else around. In the month of July alone I've gone to my grandmother's funeral solo, attended couples/family picnics by myself, I've snaked our toilet three times, etc. Who needs a man when I've got capable self taking care of things?

And that feeling -- that wondering of if being alone is better than being lonely -- is stressing me out in a big way.

I think I'm also struggling with my relevance as a wife and stepmom.
I like being alone. I like the freedom to do what I want and to not have to answer to anyone. I like not having to write checks for things I don't agree with or not getting thrown under the bus when something happens. I like the independence and not having to constantly defend myself or my opinions.

Similarly, I've watched my family live without me in their lives these past two weeks and they've done just fine. I can put the martyrdom to rest now: my family is capable of doing just fine without my involvement.

Despite us being able to exist without one another, there are things I love about them that I don't want to ever give up: I love how it feels to have two kids in my life that I'm not blood related to that tell me they love me and that come up and hug me. I love tucking the youngest one into bed struggling to get out of his grasp because he wants me to lay down and watch a movie with him. I love crafting, baking, and watching silly movies with my older stepkid. I love that I have a guy in my life that knows hugs make everything better and who is one of the better kissers I've ever laid lips on.

So what's an all by herself girl to do?

Thus far, because all of this self-analysis is stressing me out, I've been practicing the stress reduction techniques Peggy and I learned with Chris this past Monday. They really do work well and I've been finding myself taking even bigger deep breaths lately. (I'm going to do a more thorough breakdown of the tips we learned in a post coming up, but I did want to plug in a mention that they do in fact work.) I'm looking forward to having the entire family back in one place for a day or so so I can gauge my happiness versus stress level.

But I do worry. How do I keep that balance of independent freedom that I've been loving lately while also being a worthwhile wife and stepmom for my family?

Thoughts? Suggestions?

Stepmoms: Stop the Insanity!

Erin Experimentland has been a rather dull place these days for a couple of reasons:

1. I'm the only one I'm taking care of (one stepkid is with a grandmother, one stepkid is with their mom, husband is far, far away)
2. Without any drama of the blended family variety, there hasn't been much that has inspired me to write.

I have been inspired, though, to borrow snippets from one of my favorite Stepmom friend's blog posts from this past week because I think it bears repeating: Don't get caught up in the assumption game!

Peggy Nolan writes on Are You Caught In the Assumption and Expectation Game? 

I went through many of the same things stepmoms go through – the need to be a super stellar custodial stepmom, to outdo, be more, be better than, and never, ever, ever make a mistake. I created my own recipe for stepmom burnout. Like you, I found myself angry, resentful, and hostile. I overlaid my own issues with my real mother abandoning me onto Junior’s mother. I couldn’t understand why she stepped out of the picture. I resented her and I felt bad for Junior.

So many of us (and yes, I lump myself in this category sometimes) think we know what's best for our stepkids and that if we don't try to fix what ails our families then our worlds will go to hell in a handbasket. We insert ourselves into matters that maybe we shouldn't. We think to ourselves "If I'm doing something to help the cause, then I'm proving my worth in this stepfamily AND I'm helping to guide my stepchild(ren) in the right direction."

Let me be the first (or the third, seventh, etc.) to tell you that you don't have to prove your worth in a stepfamily. You married your fella, you said I do, you took on a pre-set family. So long as you and the deity you chose to pray to feel content, that's all that matters. Do you think Moms or Dads have to prove their worth in the bio-family? (okay, maybe some do, but that's a whole different blog)

One of my favorite parts of Peggy's post is something I remind myself every day when it comes to my stepchildren: “you did not break Junior; you cannot fix him, you cannot change him. Your only job is to love him.” 

And isn't that really what it's all about? Shouldn't we, as Stepmoms, be content to just love our stepchildren and let it end there? Why must we feel the need to take over the entire family -- including parenting the children -- just to prove something?

I read Facebook post after Facebook post about Stepmoms caught up in custody battles and subjecting themselves to what I can only compare to war crime torture all because they feel like they need to prove to their husbands, stepkids, bio-moms and judges that they are right and they'll be the best stepmom this kid has ever seen or had.

To anyone reading that has gone through this, I have to ask: was it worth it? Was it worth completely draining yourself emotionally for all of these people? Does your family love you any more or better now?

My own stepfamily isn't perfect and we all need fixing. There are some in my family that need more fixing than others and as much as it pulls at my heart and soul to watch things become unraveled, I also know that I'm not Mom or Dad and that I can overwhelm my family with martyr-like behaviors and it still won't fix things. It will just break me. I now choose to remember the wise words that Peggy writes: “you did not break Junior; you cannot fix him, you cannot change him. Your only job is to love him.”

So that's what I'm going to do. I encourage my fellow stepmoms that struggle with feeling depleted to do the same. Stop the struggle. Pledge to love your stepchildren and let it end there. Challenge yourself to stop overparrenting and see how you feel. Do you feel better or worse?

If you find that you can't stop overpparenting, ask yourself why. What is it that would happen if you just stopped? It might reveal a lot about your motives and perhaps what you're feeling about yourself deep inside.

How do you decide when it's time for divorce?

A reader recently emailed me with an intriguing question. Not having personal experience with this one, I'm asking my favorite ladies if they have any advice they can offer:

I used to be madly in love with my husband, but now, I feel like I've become a bit distant and I'm sort of okay with that. We don't have a lot of the same interests that we used to have and it sometimes seems like the only common bond that we do have is that we both enjoy spending time with his kids. Talking to him about my feelings hasn't really worked very well. He gets defensive and/or will tell me that he won't change who he is. I'm at a point in my life where I don't want to spend the rest of it wondering should I have gotten divorced and moved on. How do you decide when it's time to say 'I'm ready for a divorce?'.

I know there are quite a few Erin Experimenters that have divorced. I must say, I myself am a bit curious. My marriage isn't perfect and I do sometimes reach a point where I wonder which is easier: stay or go?

If anyone has a story, advice, words of wisdom they'd like to offer this reader, we'd all be very appreciative.

xoxo

Personal Responsibility

I don't know if it's the fact that I get to see my husband in 8 hours or the fact that I sweat my ass off at Karate last night, but my mood seems to be improving and I'm going to take full advantage of that to write about something that has become near and dear to my heart: taking responsibility.

I'm so grateful to my fellow stepmoms, particularly the ones that help guide me out of the trenches when I feel lost or unsure. I don't think I ever realized how much the guests on The Stepmoms Toolbox Radio Show have had positive effect on me until I started feeling better about my Stepmomdom.

I wrote an article for the June issue of StepMom magazine about how to be a more content stepmom. The contentment lessons were based on things I'd learned from our show guests over the last five months. 

One of the biggest changes I've made in my life this year was to start taking more responsibility for me and less responsibility for the people around me.

I've been an over-compensator my entire life and it really got the best of me. So much so that I felt like I was drowning in a life I had no control over. My role as the stepmom felt ambiguous. I constantly asked myself: "How many degrees away from being mom am I?" I'm making and taking kids to appointments, doing this and doing that. I was running myself ragged so that no one would be upset with me.

A bunch of things happened earlier this year, but the most important thing is that I started to emerge from my over-compensating. At the lowest points, I remember thinking to myself "If I'm not there to take care of X, then it won't get done and everything will fall apart."

I know now that I was exhibiting the traits of a full-fledged martyr.

Give yourself a point if you've ever thought our uttered something similar to "Where would this family be without me?" or "I'm the reason why everything runs smoothly."

Give yourself another point if other people in your life have mentioned the same thing.

Now ask yourself how you really feel. If you slave over your family and they don't return that kind of love, do you feel happy, sad, angry or indifferent? I know me. I was angry and sad. I'd felt taken advantage of. Here I was pouring all of this time and energy in to doing things for other people and they couldn't even do the same for me.

Seriously, that kind of attitude is so self-destructive it should come with a warning label.

Once I started listening to my Stepmom Posse's advice, I started to feel less ambiguous and more confident. I needed to start taking responsibility for me and stop taking responsibility for everyone else. I needed to stop being a Grade A Martyr and stop being such a huge people pleaser.

As a people pleaser with 34 years of experience, believe me. It's been a bumpy road trying to get out of the mindset of "Of course I'll do this even though I don't want to and I'm fearful you'll get mad at me if I say no." But I've taken babysteps.

And I've got to tell you, it's felt empowering as hell. I've started taking more responsibility for myself. If I have plans, I don't change them just because one of the kids suddenly doesn't have a parent to watch them. And believe me when I say standing up to my stepkids' parents feels like a huge victory for me. I still worry that someone might throw a hissy fit, but the consequences don't feel as dire to me anymore.

As for what I've done to get to this level of responsibility and empowerment, I'll be talking about that in upcoming post.

Concentration

My brain feels like it's been on vacation for the last week. I'm almost starting to believe that the second I found out my grandmother was going to die, my brain got the hell out of dodge and left the rest of my organs to fend for themselves.

This has been me for the last week:

• Wake up. 
• Talk to my mom. Try to pay attention to what she's saying; however, it goes in one ear and gets lost somewhere by my semicircular canal.
• Get up and start working (I work from home most days). Forget that I have a conference call later that day or that I have to piece together a project for distribution.
• Drink a Coke Zero (or two....or three)
• Try to focus on my work so I can continue to be trusted to work from home
• Lay down and watch t.v. around 4. Feel exhausted and must turn brain off for a couple of hours. 
• Get up and get dressed for Karate. Can't remember order of Kata, upper body exercises or self-defenses.
• Come home. Eat Dinner. Watch more mindless television.
• Fall asleep. 

 If I weren't already on an antidepressant, I'd say "yep, it's depression for sure. Get me to a doctor pronto!"

What's strange to me is that I haven't cried. Not a tear. I've laughed with my brother, gotten upset with my sister, expressed neediness to my husband and made a snarky comment to a nitwit, but I haven't cried. I also haven't had a normal period in four months. (not sure if that has anything to do with anything, but I thought I'd throw in there).

My overly analytical brain has determined that the antidepressant I am on is actually working really well right now and that's why I can't focus or concentrate. Rather than leave me as a crying heap on the floor, it's kicked into overdrive and has shut out all of the non-necessary emotions. The whole period thing has me wondering if your hormones can work in reverse and rather than make you hormonally emotional, make you stubbornly emotionless.

I'm curious as to what's going on inside my brain and body right now. I have a Gyno appointment next week so I'm thankful I'll get a chance to express my concerns to someone with a medical degree, but I know the status of my naughty bits doesn't necessarily coincide with the status of my brain.

Anyone have any ideas? Suggestions? Potions, magic or spells they'd recommend? I'm starting to feel like a freak of nature here and the inability to concentrate is hindering my ability to do much. (I'm actually surprised I made it to the end of this post without flaking out.)

Help.

Rest in Peace

I'm the cutie patootie on the right.

Turns out I won't be going to Canada this week.

My grandmother died last night. She was my last grandmother, my last grandparent and probably the one woman who I was most like on this earth.

She was a fiercely independent woman, even to the very end. Her doctors told my parents that they didn't expect her to live past noon. Typical of grandma, she lasted until 10 p.m. My grandmother always did her own thing. That's what I loved about her.

I'm a hodgepodge of different emotions right now. My grandmother's health had been failing for the past two years; in the past six months she was in and out of hospitals and nursing homes. I'm happy that she's not in pain anymore and I'm content with the fact that there is closure after so many months of wondering "will this be the time she won't make it?"

Needless to say, I probably won't be blogging a lot this weekend. The funeral is on Saturday and without a trip to Canada to see my husband, I think I'm going to do what my grandma did best -- sit in my favorite chair in my comfortable house and reflect on a life well lived.

I will be back on the radio with the lovely Ms. Peggy next week (even a family death couldn't keep me away from talking to Peggy and the wonderful Wilma Ham. My grandmother is one of the people who I could count on to give it to me straight. She was a member of my basecamp which is why I'll be back on the radio next week to talk about building a strong basecamp.)

Love to you all. xoxo