Erin Experiment Review: The Happy Stepmother

Imagine if you will, a book that contains a roadmap for Stepmom happiness. It would include anecdotes from other stepmoms, manageable "exercises" to do on your own and the reassurance that the Irritable Bowel Syndrome, migraines and self-loathing you've been experiencing from the day you became a stepmom aren't just made up in your head.

That, my friends, is what Rachelle Katz's The Happy Stepmother is all about.

The Happy Stepmother is an offshoot of Katz's Steps for Stepmothers site and forum. Over the course of several years, Dr. Katz used her experiences as a a psychotherapist and a stepmom to put together a book that contains real life Stepmom issues that most of us have experienced over the course of our stepmotherhood.

In addition to stepmom stories, the book also contains a ton of tips and strategies for finding that happy stepmom place you've probably longed to find.

I'll give you a hint about how you can embark on your Happy Stepmom journey: start practicing self care. No, I'm not talking about masturbation (although that would fall under the category of self care wouldn't it?) what I'm talking about is taking care of yourself first. It may feel strange to say no or to put yourself first when you've been putting everyone else first for the past X months or years but believe me...if you want to be a happier version of yourself, you MUST start with self care.

The Happy Stepmother is filled with examples of how to introduce self care into your life. You'll read how other women nearly lost their marriages because they didn't take care of their most valuable resources -- themselves.

Please. I implore you to pick up a copy of this book. Dr. Katz sent one to me to review and I've practically emptied a post-it note pad and a highlighter on mine. My radio show co-host, Peggy, and I both loved the book so much that we had Dr. Katz on the past Monday to talk about Happy Stepmomdom. It was an amazing hour and one that I hope you'll listen to when you have a chance.

If you've read the book, I'd love to know what you thought of it. Leave a note in the comments describing your experience with The Happy Stepmother!

I Love My Stepchicks!

It is rare that I'm so moved by a group of people that I'm brought to tears.

Such was the case yesterday. The place: Stepchicks.com.

Stepchicks is my baby. I started it a year after my miscarriage and shortly after I'd met Izzy Rose in person for the first official La Belle Mere event in August 2008. I thought I'd use this cool new tool I'd read about in Fast Company to create an online community for Stepmoms.

To say I'm stunned by how popular Stepchicks has become would be putting it mildly. Whenever someone introduces me as the creator of Stepchicks and that having done that helps qualify me as a Stepmom "expert," I have to pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming.

A few months ago, the site that I used to create Stepchicks handed down a bit of a challenge to all of its community creators: pay up or get out.

At first I thought I could sustain the low yearly cost of a basic membership -- that is until I read the fine print and noticed that I'd have to cap our membership off at 150 people. Um, yeah, we're at nearly 1,200 and climbing.

I was a hot mess trying to figure out what to do. I started looking a different alternatives to this particular site; I'd even created a one-off site and thought I'd just transfer everyone over. But that would involve losing all of the wonderful content.

I really couldn't afford the higher cost options that had no cap on members. And so I sent an email to my husband asking for advice.

"See if the 'Chicks respond to a Donation Drive" he responded. "Think of Stepchicks like the NPR of Stepmomdom."

He was on to something (as he usually is).

So I set up a PayPal donation button and a Donation Drive Page; I emailed the 'Chicks and sat, hoped and waited.

The result was me in happy tears for most of the rest of the day.

I was seriously floored by the responses I was receiving. A few times throughout the day I was actually nearly sobbing because I was so happy.

I felt l'd won the Stepmom Emotional Lottery. I'd received emails from people that said Stepchicks helped save their marriage or that it was one of the most comforting sites they'd found.

To a woman that struggles to feel like she's done something worthwhile with her life that will leave a positive mark on the world, reading the reactions made me feel like I'd done something to be proud of.

As we roll in to Day 2 of the Donation Drive, I can safely say that Stepchicks will live on. I can also say I feel like the luckiest community manager in the world to have surrounded myself with such wonderful women.

I am blessed to have Stepchicks in my life. Truly Blessed.

Stepmom Epiphanies: Get Past the Drama and Start Living YOUR Life

I've felt myself making a lot of personal improvements in the last few weeks. Whether I'm setting boundaries, standing up for myself, or figuring out what I really love about my life, the result has been the equivalent of a contentment tsunami that's crashed into my head.

I'm becoming what Peggy and I's guest on May 17, Laura Petherbridge,  would call a Smart Stepmom.

Per my own translation, a Smart Stepmom is someone who knows who she is and doesn't apologize for it. She is married to a man that has children; she has her own life and doesn't let her stepfamily treat her like crap. She does things for her family not because she wants a thank you, but because she's generally that type of person. Most of all, a Smart Stepmom knows she is not her stepkids' mom or extra mom. She is a step removed, she is "Dad's Wife."

I've seen quite a few discussion board conversations, Facebook postings and other convo's take place where women -- nearly all of them stepmoms -- are trying to assert their role as Stepmom as being equivalent to their stepchild(ren)'s Dad or Mom. "I've helped raise the kid so I should get a say", "I've been there from day one and have contributed financially to their well being" "I've done all of this...Where is MY parent's day card and love?" are all things I've heard women say. As if demanding for equal treatment is what will make it so.

I'm about to say something that might cause me to lose a few readers. If so, then it was nice not quite knowing you.

Here's the thing: If you want to smooth over your stepfamily stresses and get a low-drama, more content life back, then stop trying to be the extra parent. You were not ever nor will you ever be biologically related to your stepchildren. No amount of extra care, guilt, toys or emotional weekends will change that. You can try to be the second coming of the Biological Mother until you are blue in the face, but it won't change the fact that you're not.

Instead, be YOU: XYZ's partner, fabulous tennis player, Karate black belt, Sex and the City-loving fashionista, photographer.

I'm not saying don't love your stepkids -- love them as much as you're capable of loving -- but remember that you're not it to win it. These are people with real emotions. They aren't chess pieces that you can maneuver your way into getting respect. If you really, truly want what's best for everyone, then allow everyone to make their own choices and deal with their own consequences.

No one wished you a Happy Mother's Day and now they've forgotten to order your graduation ticket or someone didn't want you there? You could get mad, angry or upset with everyone and still be angry and full of resentment. You could believe in your heart of hearts that no one cared or that they are slighting you because you are the Stepmom.

Or.....you can rest assured that some of the greatest parental achievements in life often go unnoticed while they're occurring and you can let your stepchild know that you wish them a great graduation and promise them a hug and a special dinner afterward.

Now that I've shared my Smart Stepmom epiphanies, I'm curious what other epiphanies people have discovered that have lead them to lead more contented lives.

On the Radio May 17: Do you want to be a Smart Stepmom?

Peggy and I are super excited to be talking with Laura Petherbridge, author of "The Smart Stepmom" on tonight's show.

We’ll be covering topics such as:

• Managing Your Emotions and Fears
• Step Down Your Expectation
• Making Your Marriage a Priority
• How to Politely Resign
• Digging Into Your Own Past
• Understanding His Kids and the Grieving Process
• Tips To Get You Through a Lifetime of Mother’s Days Without Feeling Rejected

To listen or participate in the show, log on to http://www.blogtalkradio.com/thestepmomstoolbox or call (347) 843-4229 at 8 p.m. EST.

You can log in from your Facebook account to BlogTalk Radio. Once you’re logged in, you’ll be able to participate in our live chat that we have during our show! Audience participation isn’t required but it sure makes for a fun show!

After the show, Peggy and I will be in StepChicks for our post show wrap-up!

Talk soon lovahs!

A helpful trick for dealing with other people's issues

I'll be the first to admit that my blog posts aren't always cheerful. I'll also be the first to admit that I'm on an anti-depressant and that sometimes, even with that, my moods can still get fairly low. Such has been the case in the past few weeks. Chemical imbalances can be a real bitch sometimes.

That is, until last Monday's show with Wilma Ham and Peggy. Wilma and Peggy gave me virtual kick in the pants and reminded me to pick my butt up and drag it out of the pity well.

And so I have. I've been doing a lot of self-love lately and it feels spectacular. I'm learning to love being in my own skin and recognizing that I am what I am and that I'm worth standing up for. I've also been reading A LOT and setting boundaries.

All of this self lovin' self help has inspired me to develop a little game that I'm finding helps me clear a mental path toward contentment. I call this game the "That's Your Issue" game.

Here's how it works: When you're in an argument (or even when you're not but you're not feeling 100% wonderful about yourself) and someone's telling you something that attempts to make you feel bad, you mentally hand them a card that says "That's your issue."

For instance: You and your partner/stepkid/stepkids' mom are disagreeing about who is going to pick up junior from tomorrow night's dance*. It's not your night to have the kids but mom can't pick up junior and dad wants to stay home and veg in front of the t.v. They've asked you to pick up junior even though you have girls' night planned. 

You've tried standing your ground and telling them that you have plans, but they don't seem to be listening. You've helped them out before so why can't you now? Geesh, stepmom, you're being so selfish.You've heard from your partner and his ex (and maybe even your stepkid who really wants to go to the dance but can't if he can't find a way home) that you're only thinking of yourself and not your stepfamily.

Stop right there.

First of all, you're practicing self care. Second of all, your stepkid has a mom and a dad. It's technically their responsibility to figure out how he's getting home from the dance. Thirdly, if they're calling you selfish, that's THEIR issue, not yours. You're not selfish -- more like self-preserving. Take a mental card and write on it: "It's your issue that you feel that I'm being selfish" and mentally hand it to them. If you're feeling ballsy, take an actual index card, post-it note, etc. and actually write that on it and hand it to them. I'm not a psychologist, nor do I play one on t.v., but the act of handing over the issue can be empowering. 

I've contemplated actually trying this with real index cards the next time I'm in a disagreement.  I think the reverse (the receiving of a card) can be helpful as well. Say you feel threatened by your partner's relationship with his former in-laws. You've got to remember, that's your issue. Hand yourself a card and remember that is something you need to work on.

I'd be curious to know if this has been helpful to anyone besides me? This weekend might be a good time to try this, with it being Mother's Day and all. Let me know if you try it and this helps.

As a quick aside: Obviously, this works for everyone, not just stepmoms. It can be helpful in work situations, family situations or even when dealing with people whom you don't care to deal with.

*for the record, this is a hypothetical situation and hasn't happened in our house. I don't want any of my family members raising hell with me because I wrote something that I'm fictionalizing for effect. Anyway, if you do see it that way, take a card -- that's your issue.

Boundary Lessons for Stepmoms

I've been on a real tear lately when it comes to setting personal parameters. Call it my deep soul dive, but I'm really getting into this whole notion that it's up to me to tell people how I am or am not willing to be treated.

Yesterday I saw this post on Wednesday Martin's blog that Mary Kelly Williams had written. With both Wednesday and Mary's permission, I'm reposting it for you all to read as well.

Boundaries 101: Lessons for Stepmothers by Mary Kelly-Williams

BY MARY KELLY-WILLIAMS, M.A.
It is not uncommon for stepmothers to feel exhausted and depleted. It is not uncommon for stepmothers to feel misunderstood, used, taken for granted, and the scapegoat when things don’t go well in the stepfamily system. It is not uncommon for stepmothers to feel more like posers and actresses than actual human beings.

And all this exacts a price that no stepmother should or needs to pay.

Because the role of “stepmother” is so vague and ambiguous for most, and because our need for love and approval runs so deep, many stepmothers try to overcompensate, fix their spouse’s or even ex-spouse’s messes, be perfect and loving every second, take on the role of family and marriage counselor, and negate their own needs in the process. But there is a solution and it comes in the form of two simple words:

“Boundaries connect”.

Yes, boundaries connect. I learned this 2-word mantra many years ago in a training program and I’ve used it ever since, for my clients and myself.

It’s important to have boundaries in our lives, especially when one is a stepmother. But this is tricky business, given the stepmother is the one with the invisible target on her chest that screams, “Blame me for everything!”

Stepmothers need to know when it’s okay to put up the bright red stop. They need to know when they’ve done enough conceding, enough “gutting” their way through their weeks and days. They need to recognize the warning their bodies give them when it feels like someone is stepping on their chest and it’s hard to breathe.

You know that feeling…that feeling you get when you agree to something that you really don’t want to agree to? That moment when you say “Yes”, and it’s as if you can feel all your essence, all that is you, slip down and go down the nearest sewer drain.

That feeling when you walk away and you want to kick yourself. That moment when you’ve said, “Yes” when you meant “No” and you blame the other person for “taking advantage of you.”

Why do we do this?

To keep the peace?
To avoid the conflict?
To get the ex-wife to like you?
To look like the good guy?
To make sure the stepkids love you?
To be a saint?
To be the perfect stepmother and wife?
To make life easier?
To ensure the smooth yet elusive “blended family”?

I thought so.

And you know how that feeling just sits in your psyche and you feel anything from slow burning resentment to out and out rage?

Usually when we get to this point, we also tend to get into a bit of a victim mode. We are being taken advantage of, we aren’t being appreciated, we aren’t being valued, we aren’t being seen.

Some of the most valuable lessons about how to maintain healthy boundaries in our stepfamily situations may come from other areas of our lives where we feel more self-confident. I finally learned the invaluable lesson of “Boundaries Connect” when one of my daughters was 15 years old. We were on the way to get her driver’s permit. Now, this daughter had been testy and feisty and difficult to get along with (Duh, 15).

I asked the unforgivable question, “So, how was your day?” ‘WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO NOSEY MOM? WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO ASK ME THESE STUPID QUESTIONS???!!!”

Quick background. I was recently divorced from her father and full of divorce guilt and how my divorce was going to screw up my children for life, and how I was accepting perpetual rude behavior from this one in particular because I had put her through this divorce and would be forever more making up for it for all eternity.

Well, I had just learned about the power of the mantra “BOUNDARIES CONNECT” and the two words came screaming at me. I had had enough and I made an illegal U-turn in the road and headed the car back towards home.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHERE ARE YOU GOING? THIS IS THE WRONG DIRECTION!!!”

Me, in extremely calm mother voice: “You are not getting one more thing from me from this point on until you learn to speak to me with respect in a civil and polite tone. I will never apologize to you again about the divorce. It happened. It’s done.”

The screaming and ranting continued with the expected, “HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME? I NEED MY DRIVER’S PERMIT AND I NEED IT NOW, BLAH BLAH BLAH.” No no. Wasn’t going to do it. Wasn’t going to turn around. The verbal barrage continued. We got home and she ran into her room slamming the door, threatening to run away, go to her fathers’, call Social Services.

I handed her the phone.

From that point on, our relationship changed drastically. It moved into a relationship of love—my daughter stopped her ranting, her demands. And if she slipped, I’d look at her and say, “You’re not getting one thing from me until you speak to me in a way that is respectful.”

It didn’t take long.

Stepmothers recoil when I tell them this boundary connects concept. It elicits fear. “What if I give a boundary and I get rejected?” “What if my husband pushes back?” “What if my stepchildren hate me for sure?”

I try to reassure. I can’t tell you the times that the “Boundaries Connect” in action gives people more love, more respect. It’s not about being stubborn or rigid. It’s about being true to yourself and holding fast to the anchor of your being.

Ultimately, it’s better to disappoint another to be true to yourself. And it’s like that airline analogy. You know the one…you need to put on your oxygen mask first before you can help others.

We can’t model self-love to our children, our stepchildren, our spouses, or our friends if we aren’t self-loving.

So experiment today. Pick one small thing you’re tempted to relinquish. And don’t. See what happens…take a chance.

See the Original Post on Wednesday Martin's Blog

Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Being a Stepmom...Questions due by May 31

I'm so excited to embark on Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Being a Stepmom...But Were Too Afraid to Ask that I can hardly contain it. I've been collecting questions for a few months now and am finally ready to start getting down to the business of answering all of the great questions.

I want to make sure I get everyone's questions in and answered so I'm putting a deadline on the date for receiving questions. That deadline is May 31. Send your questions to erin [at] erinexperiment.com. I assure you, all questions will remain confidential in the book.

As always, let me know if you have any questions!