Send Help...and Don't be a Bitch

My post yesterday stirred up some serious emotions. I suppose that was a good thing for me, at least on the front that I was accessing my feelings, but I did something I hate in the process. I aired personal laundry and threw my guy under the bus. Today my heart and head feel like I just scored a serious case of emotional food poisoning.

Peggy and a few other commenters really got me to thinking about learning to like myself whole. I've always thought I loved myself as I am, but I'm starting to think that maybe I don't. Frankly, I'm not sure I know what that feels like: To love yourself whole. It's strange, but I know I'm a good person and I know there are great things about me, but I feel something of an emptiness in my soul. Like there is one last piece I need to find in order to complete my inner puzzle. If you have any suggestions for how to find that inner peace, will you please let me know?

Searching for my missing puzzle piece isn't going to stop me from talking to one of my favorite members of the Stepmom Posse on Monday, May 3.

Peggy and I will be talking with Jennifer Newcomb Marine of "No One's the Bitch" fame to talk about the Mom and Stepmom Relationship. This is guaranteed to be a great show as we'll be addressing a topic that is really near and dear to so many Stepmoms' hearts.

During the hour we have with Jennifer, we're hoping to provide moms and stepmoms with  practical tips, tools, and advice on how to build a bridge towards mutual understanding and compassion so that everyone wins.

And for the record, Jennifer is huge inspiration behind the Stepmom Stepback -- I love this woman to bits and I cannot wait to talk to her again.

Ladies, make sure you've marked this one on your calendars. As we get ready to enter into Mother's Day/Graduation/All Things Family season, this will be a show you won't want to miss:

When: Monday, May 3, 2010
Time: 8:00 – 9:00 PM EST
Where: http://blogtalkradio.com/thestepmomstoolbox or dial in (347) 843-4229

All Access Feelings

Accessing your feelings can be a scary thing. Not everyone feels comfortable doing it and most people would prefer to maintain their life of not-quite-peaceful existence  rather figure out what could make them more at peace.

As I mentioned in my Martyr No More post yesterday, I'm working a lot more often on accessing my feelings. I wish I were a happy-all-the time woman who was truly content with her life; however, I'm not. I'm sometimes passive-aggressive, somewhat angry and, at times, sad.

I rarely every say this on this blog (mostly because it seems implied), but I'm going to share something deep that I've figured out about myself recently.

Before I conduct my armchair analysis, let me back up a second and divulge a little bit more about me: My Mom and Dad divorced when I was 10. Mom was extremely loving; Dad, not as much. Dad was often emotionally distant but showed his love by making sure I knew how the world worked. Mom never failed to remind me how much she loved me and doted on me a lot. Stepdad entered picture when I was 13. He was a breath of fresh air into my life, although I didn't see it that way at the time. He taught me the value of a good house cleaning and the importance of family.

Okay, so getting back to the analysis.

When it comes to men, or anyone else whom I feel holds some sort of power over my actions, my brain goes into ultra people pleaser mode. I'm not quite a Stepford Wife, but I'll more often than not just bite my tongue after a while and say "You're right, I'm wrong. I'm sorry. What can I do to make it up to you?"

Years of doing this, particularly with my husband, have been a mass contributor to my feeling depleted. When I say I feel like a shadow of my former self, it's in large part because I didn't used to give in so quickly. I used to fight for my right to party (so to speak).

One of the biggest sources of arguments in our house is money (or power). I don't make a lot of it, but I do work and I don't ask for hand-outs, least of all from my husband. My husband makes more money than I do; however, a chunk of it goes to child support. We pool our money and have a joint account. If you're playing the at-home game, that means my paycheck also goes to pay for stuff related to the kids. Not that I mind that, but if my money is going to pay for kids that I have no legal tie to, shouldn't I be able to do what I want with my money, too?

My husband doesn't see it that way. He has seen both ends of the monetary spectrum, from bankruptcy to six figures a year. He starts to have a panic attack if our finances don't sooth his soul. At least once every couple of months, he'll tell me I need to curb my spending and I'll tell him that I'm trying and that I'm lonely and am filling the void by adding things into my life.

Yep, I'm filling a void.

I said it. I admit it. I recognize I'm filling a void. I'm not proud that I turn to shopping or eating to fill the void. I'd much rather turn to Yoga or yardwork, but somehow that just doesn't cut it for me.

Now, grab on to my hand because I'm about to take you on a wild roller coaster of self-analysis. I think the void and my anger about my husband telling me what to do (or not to do) are related.

I loathe that someone I love (but for whom I do a lot of things that I prefer not to do) tells me to stop doing something that I feel qualified (better yet, entitled) to do. Rather than stand my ground and say "You know what Mister: This is my money/family/house/life, too and if I want X, Y or Z, then help me out here. Give me a break and stand beside me, not up against me."

I'll fight the good fight for about 20-30 minutes before I get so tired of arguing and not hearing "You're right, Erin. I can see that and I'd like to help you" that I'll concede and wind up back in my passive-aggressive people pleasing place.

I've never been the "I'm right on this and until you see that you'll have to deal with the consequences" type of person. I've often wished I was.

If you've scanned this post, wondering when the good parts were going to show up, this is it. 

When I access my feelings, what I think I've found is that I'm afraid of being alone. I would rather be a people-pleasing martyr than to be alone again. When I was a 20something singleton, I always thought that a man and a family's love would make me feel whole. Now that I have exactly what I thought I needed, I still feel alone.

So what gives?

When I listen to certain married people talk lovingly about their husbands, I think: I want that. I'd give almost anything to have the kind of husband that has my back at all times; a husband that hears me talking about my need to fill a void and helps me rather than gets upset with me. A husband that I say "my feelings were hurt from being excluded" to and have him hug me and say that won't happen ever again. My husband would tell you he has my back, but given the bus-wheel tread marks down my spine in the past 7 years, I beg to differ.


So far, what I've been able to glean from these deep analytical thoughts, is that I'm feeling (and wanting to fill) the void of being alone. Not just in a physical sense (because, let's face the truth here, I'm by myself 5+ days a week) but in a psychological and spiritual sense, too. You can be married and have a family, but unless everyone in that family really wants what's best for you and doesn't want to use your status as an outsider to pad their own fall, then you're going to continue to feel alone.

So what are you going to do about it?

When I talked with Peggy and Wilma, they mentioned setting boundaries and consequences. Peggy regularly reads this blog, so I'm hoping she'll see this post and chime in.


I'm going to set myself some boundaries: unless I'm asking for/doing/buying something that is outside of the confines of typical Erin behavior (say I wanted to buy a horse or ask that everyone address me as Queen Erin), then I'm going to maintain my status quo. I work hard to be able to enjoy my life. And it's just that -- my life.

There will be consequences; however. I will stand my ground. I will not back down. Even if it means I'm packing my bags and finding a new place for the kitties and I to live, I will not back down. I will not contort myself for someone else's comfort.

Whew.......I actually feel better having accessed that and written about that.

How about you, my wonderful and brave Feeling-Accessing Friends ? What boundaries and consequences are you going to work on?

Goodbye Martyr...Hello Improved Me

image: Microsoft Clipart

My name is Erin and I'm a people pleaser.

I've always been a people pleaser; in fact, I can't remember a time when I wasn't trying to win people over with my compliance.

After Monday's Stepmoms Toolbox Radio Show with Wilma Ham, I've decided that's coming to a stop.

I didn't make this decision abruptly. If you've read this blog for any length of time, you'd know that I struggle with trying to make everyone happy -- most of all, myself. I think hearing the words come out of my mouth on Monday as well as hearing recovering people pleasers Peggy and Wilma talk about how much better they felt since taking back control of their lives inspired me to take back my own power.

I was so hungry to learn how not to be a people-pleasing martyr, that I took copious notes throughout the show. Some of the most important things I learned were:

• Everybody loves a martyr; only recovering martyrs will tell you to stop sacrificing yourself for others
• If you feel like you're giving too much, then listen to those feelings
• Start to access your feelings
• Martyrdom (people pleasing) is like constantly walking around with a migraine -- you can't think clearly. 
• Develop a good base camp
• Find a martyr mentor -- someone who can look you straight in the eye (or e-mail) and help you set boundaries and determine consequences. 

After the show, we also had a conversation on Stepchicks about compulsive martyrdom. People who constantly talk about all they've given up or done and rarely ever have anything positive to say are actually almost as vicious as the people who allow you continue your martyrdom -- they suck you dry.

~~~~~~~~~

I've been doing a lot of reading lately. I've become an avid reader of books by Geneen Roth. She writes about the connection between food and feelings. I know from reading her books that while I may be relatively self-aware, I'm nowhere near where I could be with getting in touch with my feelings.

And I mean hard-core, why-do-I-do-that? feelings.

Wilma and Peggy's insight about feelings, combined with my Roth readings have really prompted me to start accessing my feelings. If I'm angry or upset, sad or unhappy -- I need to stop and figure out why and what I'm going to do about it. And I don't mean take a 5-minute coffee break and then go back about my day like I was never upset. I'm talking keep a journal, bring it with me at all times and start writing and digging into my feelings and get to the root cause of why this has prompted this reaction.

I've heard from several people (which in my head qualifies as sound advice) that channeling these feelings will help me put a halt to martyrdom and prompt me to put down the potato chip. You can't beat that sort of two-for-one deal, right?

Now, if you're trying to figure out "How does this apply to my stepmom-dom Erin"? Let me remind you of bullet point #2: If you feel like you're giving too much, then listen to those feelings.

Have you ever caught yourself thinking -- or even saying -- After all I do for you...

Congratulations, you're being a martyr.

If you enjoy feeling depleted, like I have felt, then by all means: Go ahead and continue being a martyr. I'm just going to ask that you stand your distance from me. Chronic martyrs are toxic in my opinion and I'm trying to recover. I don't need that sort of toxicity in my life.

If you'd like to make a change and feel empowered rather than depleted, then let's give ourselves a challenge: Start accessing y/our feelings.

In the coming days, weeks or months, I'm going to be accessing mine. I'm going to dig deep into my heart and soul when I can feel my negative emotions rise. I'm going to figure out what has me so hot under the collar before I say or do something I'll wish I didn't. There may be some days that I write about it on the blog and other days where I'll write about it in my journal. Regardless, I'm going to spelunk my own emotional recesses and put an end to people pleasing martyrdom (and my obsession with food) once and for all.

Who's with me?

I'm a Karate Girl....In a Karate World.....

Obviously, that isn't me

Today I participated in my first Karate Tournament.

And it was fucking awesome.

I placed in both of my events and even though I didn't bring home a trophy, I did feel pretty freaking cool that I placed for the two things I did and that it was my first tournament.

I'm really loving my Karate classes. Whenever I feel like I'm all worn out and wanting to stay home and watch mindless television, I go to my Karate class and feel like I've accomplished something I never thought I'd do.

It's a great reprieve from the doldrums.......WOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Death to Martyrdom!

Isn't it funny how radio show topics arrive in your life just when you need them? I swear to all that is holy, if I weren't going to be on the Stepmom's Toolbox Radio Show on Monday, I'd be tuning in for sure.

"Why?" you may ask?

Because we're talking to Wilma Ham about putting an end to martyrdom and reclaiming your happy, healthy self.

Raise your hand if you've experienced any of these feelings (I know I have). Are you:

• Lost under the strain of all you’ve taken on?
• Have you lost yourself to the role of stepmother?
• Are you clear about your boundaries?
• Are you clear about the agreements you make?
• Are you taking on more than your responsibility?
• Does saying “No” make you feel guilty?
• Have you been pulled into the martyr trap?

Join Peggy and I as we dish tips, tools and advice with our guest, Wilma Ham. Wilma runs an online program called “Women Like Me.” In this program, she helps women all over the world reconnect with their authentic selves.

• When: Monday, April 26, 2010 
• Time: 8PM EST 
• Where: Streaming live over the internet, http://blogtalkradio.com/thestepmomstoolbox or call in number (347) 843-4229.

And while we're on the topic of authenticity, if you're feeling so inclined and are able to donate a little to help Peggy and I keep the Stepmoms Toolbox Radio Show going,  please let us know by clicking on this handy dandy donate button.

Thanks! MUAH!!! xoxo

Thank you for attending yesterday's Pity Party

Thanks to everyone for their thoughtful comments. As I mentioned in the post, I was having a pity party for myself yesterday. It got so bad that I think I was in the throws of a panic attack all day as well. I'm happy to say I'm feeling a little better today and am better able to reflect on what the heck is going on in my head.

Some of the comments asked a few other questions, which I figured I'd answer

• I do have hobbies which keep my mind occupied. I'm in Karate classes during the week and I do pole dance and burlesque classes on the weekends.
• I mentioned not wanting to be a single parent but envisioning my life with children. I'm perfectly content to have stepchildren be the children in my life. What I meant was that I didn't want to have my own child. 
• I do have pets -- three cats -- that are very cute but very sleepy. They are all orange tabbies and one in particular is like my feline child in how he follows me around. 
• What does my husband compromise for me? If you ask him, he'll tell you he compromises a lot as well. He doesn't go on the vacations he'd like to go on because I don't like the destinations, he pays for cable that he doesn't watch and wants to get rid of, he doesn't do a lot of the stuff he likes to do in his free time because he knows he should spend time with the kids and I.

Some facts that I do know about myself right now:

• I'm mentally and physically exhausted. My grandmother is dying, my husband lives away from home during the week, and I live in an area where I'm isolated from most, if not all, "support" people in my life. In the three therapy sessions I went to last summer, I remember the therapist telling me that most people, even trained clinicians, have a hard time handling those kinds of stresses. Why do I feel like I need to be Superwoman?
• I do heap a lot on my plate. I've always thought I did a lot for people to fill the void left by not having my own child. Sort of a "if I can't contribute this, then I'll contribute that" mentality. Ask anyone, from my bosses at work to the Stepmom Posse or the associations I'm in. I'm usually the first one to raise my hand and volunteer to do something. I think this stems from a silly mentality I have about idol hands being the devil's workshop. Either that, or idle time means I have to actually stop and think about what's actually going on in my head. 
• I'm looking inward to figure out why I feel like life isn't going the way I planned. I'm reading a series of books by Geneen Roth about food and emotions and in a few short days, I've already figured out that it's all about the emotions and not about the actual thing I'm wanting. 

How's this for armchair psychology.....

When I mention that life isn't going the way I planned, I think that internally and emotionally what I'm wanting is some normalcy. If I'm going to be married, I want a husband that's home and with me physically and emotionally. Right now, my husband isn't here physically and he's "here" emotionally about half the time. I think that's where wanting a dog is coming from, too. My brain figures if I had a dog, then I'd be taking care of something that's mine and that would at least feel "normal."

I'm at a loss for how to deal with these emotions, though.

That's probably fodder for another blog post anyway. Until then.......

What do you do when life isn't going the way you planned?

Yesterday I thought I was pregnant.

My period never showed up this weekend (I'm on the pill) and my boobs have been like melons and I've been falling asleep by 9 every night. I took a pregnancy test and it was negative.

Thank god.

I don't want a child of my own. I had a brief moment of zen thinking about lolly-gagging in the garden with my little Emma with her cute blonde pigtails and pretty pink dress, but then I snapped out of it and got back to work.

I don't know what it is this month, but I can't seem to find my center. Maybe I need to do more yoga or maybe I need a vacation. Who knows. All I do know is that I've felt sad and depleted lately because life isn't going the way I'd hoped and I'm clueless about how to get myself back on track.

At the risk of sounding like a resentful martyr, here is my situation: I'm married but single; a parent, but not. You know how they say step-parenting is having all of the responsibility of parenting but none of the authority? Apply that to my married life and you've got the same sentiment times two.

My husband is gone during the week. Literally. I drop him at the airport on Sunday afternoons and pick him up on Friday nights. It's nice to have the alone time during the week, except certain things I may want to do with my alone time -- shopping spree, dog adopting, reorganizing, painting -- have to be cleared by he who is not here all week. After all, he lives here too (on weekends) and pays the mortgage too (with his three times my salary -- two if you count his child support -- take home pay). So essentially, I get to be single without the freeing feeling of doing stuff because it's mine.

I've tried talking to my husband about the loneliness and how I can solve it. His suggestion is to just live with it -- he does after all -- so I should be able to, too. He's basically no use. I don't have the same relationship with my stepkids' mom anymore, so I've lost that friend to turn to as well.

A lot of my local friends have -- or are having -- young kids, which makes it really hard for them to have grown up playtime with me.

My husband can't believe I should be anything but happy: I live in a nice house, I have a job and peace and quiet during the week. That's all true. I do have those things. Too bad for me, when I dreamed up my "grown up" life, this isn't quite what I had in mind. I sort of pictured my nice house as having a doting and understanding husband who brought me flowers every other Thursday while the kids helped set the table and I drank a glass of Chardonnay while I cooked mushroom risotto.


Do you notice a trend here? Yep, it's a huge ass Pity Party with me as the guest of honor.

Yesterday, when I thought there was a trace that I might be pregnant, I was freaked out. I honestly had no idea what I'd do. I actually gave serious contemplation to ending the pregnancy if there was one. I have no want or desire to be a single parent.

Playing the "what if" game has turned my brain into a hot heaping mess of "what should I do now?" I can't help but feel like this isn't how my life is/was supposed to turn out. I wasn't supposed to be a suburban yes-wife who doesn't stand up to people...was I?

Ladies, I could use your help. I need to regain my center, get some control back and put some pep in my step again. Any suggestions?

For a Good Cause: I'm doing the Relay for Life

We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming to bring you this public service announcement about a relay I'm doing in honor of my grandmother, my grandfather, my cousin, my aunts, my wonderful co-host Peggy and all of the other wonderful people I know that have been touched by Cancer. 

This year, I am helping save lives from cancer by taking part in the American Cancer Society Relay For Life, and I’m hoping you will support me.  In the two minutes it takes to make a donation, you can make a difference.

American Cancer Society invests funds raised through Relay to:

• Help people stay well by educating people to take steps to prevent cancer or detect it early, when it’s most treatable.
• Help people get well with free  hands-on support to guide them through every step of their cancer experience.
• Find cures by funding groundbreaking research that helps us understand cancer’s causes, determine how best to prevent it, and discover new ways to cure it.
• Fight back by working with lawmakers to pass laws to defeat cancer and rally communities worldwide to join the fight.

If you're able to support my efforts by a quick donation, please visit my Relay Page.

xoxo!

Stepmoms Toolbox Radio Show: Talk with Mary Kelly-Williams and Wednesday Martin April 19

I'm more excited about this radio show than I am about my plan to get a dog by the end of 2010.

Here's the scoop: Did you read Mary Kelly-Williams' column in the March issue of StepMom Magazine? She wrote an article that had a few stepmoms on edge about their place in their family. I liked the article and completely agreed with what she had to say, but not everyone did.

Well, Peggy Nolan and I are going to be talking with Mary and Wednesday Martin on Monday, April 19. We'll be addressing the ever-popular Stepmom topic of how to release the resentment grip and how to not be a sad stepmom; and instead feel like an empowered woman who happens to be a stepmom. 

We'll also be giving away a free copy of Wednesday Martin's Stepmonster so be sure to tune in and ask questions. If you can't make it, we'll be sad, but you can still ask questions. Just send them to me at erin [at] erinexperiment [dot] com or leave them in the comments and I'll be sure we ask!

Make sure you mark this in you calendars!

Practical Stepmom Tips with Wednesday Martin and Mary Kelly-Williams
Call-in Number:  (347) 843-4229
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/thestepmomstoolbox
We'll also be doing an 'After the Show' on Stepchicks where you can keep asking questions or if you'd like to leave questions in the forum for us to ask Wednesday or Mary. You can check that out at http://stepchicks.ning.com/group/stepmomstoolboxradioshow/forum/topics/april-19-show-wednesday

How much is that self worth in the window?

Welcome to another edition of Conversations Going on in my house. On today's show we're talking about dogs. Well, really we're talking about self worth but the conversation seems to be encased in a conversation about dogs.

Here's the skinny:
I have a nurturing personality, one that also happens to love companionship. My husband and stepkids are quite nurtured when I'm around them; however, given travel schedules and other parenting stuff, I get the opportunity to get my nurturing groove on and some companionship only on the weekends.

Given I don't want to put my body and mind through trying to have a baby, it's dawned on me that a dog would be a great object of my otherwise lonely affection.

What's stopping me from running to the nearest dog adoption agency and finding my new best friend? My husband.

He's against any new pets. As it is, we have three cats. There's the loving lap cat Puppy Cat (who is 8 and whom I brought into the marriage); Katy Bug and Hobbs -- 2 year old twin tabbies we adopted last year. These little furballs are cute and somewhat cuddly but frankly, they sleep a lot and I can't take them outside to play.

I've had the conversation with my husband a few times; I've had it in my head a thousand times. It all boils down to the same fight: I want it; he doesn't.

A few things have happened in the last week or so that have caused the doggie debate to resurface. For one thing, it was the anniversary of my due date and I was reminded that I am fond of taking care of things. Secondly, my grandmother is dying. As I write this, she is actually on her hospital/death bed.  Her dying is reminding me how short life is and her who-needs-a-man attitude is reminding me that I'm putting something I want and something I feel like I'm worthy of having on hold for a guy who loves me but who is rarely home.

It almost feels like a boxing match for the heart:

In my corner, we have a loving, nurturing wife that lives in a house all by herself while her husband travels during the week. She grumbles at times about family inequalities; however, she's often known to agree to do whatever is necessary to keep the peace. She also lovingly takes care of the current pets in the house and would love a pooch to keep her company.

In my husband's corner, we have a loving husband who works -- a lot. He travels so much that American Airlines is about ready to give him his own pilot and he's away from his family more than he cares to be. He likes his peace and quiet when he's home for less than 48 hours on the weekends. He would prefer to not have anymore pets so that the pet care-taking can cease at some point.

I can pretty much guarantee the kids would fall off their chairs with excitement if we got a dog at our house so they're not getting a corner.

I've run this quandary past several friends and most, if not all of them, have the same response: "Wait, hold on. Haven't you helped him take care of his kids and don't you make your own money? And if you're taking care of the pets anyway, why would it bother him? What does he have against you having a canine companion while he's gone? Get yourself the dog when you feel like it and tell him you have a new member of the family."

My friends have legitimate points: I do make my own money and I have helped him with the kids; I would like some companionship while he's gone during the week and I'm already the only one picking up, feeding and watering the pets anyway.

But there's the whole -- "Husband doesn't want it so should I keep fighting the good fight?" question.

As far as how a dog and self worth have anything to do with one another -- it seems to me that by pursuing something I want, I'm proving to myself that I'm worth the frustration of a few arguments. To let my husband's "no dog" decision win out means, to me anyway, that I'm saying my own wants aren't worthy of a good fight.

So I turn to you dear blog readers. I'm flummoxed as to what I should do. Do I pursue the dog-ument and adopt some companionship while keeping my self worth intact or do I honor my husband's request and stop pursuing the dog while also giving up on a dream?

Share and dish.....please.

A Stepmom in Baby Love

Lately I've been feeling this need to nurture something small and vulnerable. I've been entertaining the notion -- in my dream state -- of re-trying to get pregnant and having a baby. In my dreams, I'm this wonderful mother with a little 18 month old that I dote on endlessly. I dress her up in cute pink outfits with pretty bows and take her for walks in our uber cool stroller.

And then I wake up.

I don't want to have a baby. I like my independence and the pockets of me-time that my current family situation allows me.

I've begun to also think maybe I want a small, cute dog. Essentially, it's the same as a baby. It is vulnerable and dress-upable. It has its cute moments and you can certainly walk it around, right?

As some of my friends on Facebook reminded me, a dog, like a baby, will keep me up at night and will require maintenance that will interrupt my hard-earned sleep.

Hmpf. 

Typical of my personality, I've self-analyzed in the wee hours of the night. Given the time of year and things going on in my life, it occurred to me that a huge reason for this Baby Love feeling is that I still long to be celebrating  little Xander or little Emma's second birthday. The child I didn't have.

This is the third anniversary of my expected due date and every year I get a little weepy and nostalgic about what could have been. Given how this last year went, I'm fairly certain that it was for the best that I didn't stay or get re-pregnant but I still wonder.

Now that one of the hardest years of my married life is over and some normalcy has set in again, I think my brain is recalibrating itself. Most, if not all, of my long-time friends or family are having their first (or fourth) child and it's starting to feel lonely again being the only one not being called "Mommy."

I'm not sure what to do with myself. It's my week off between workout classes and the kids have been with me for half the week because of Spring Break. I'm in the throws of I-don't-suck-as-a-parent-and-this-wouldn't-be-so-bad-full-time feeling.

Maybe it's time to look for a dog again. A cute, little puppy dog that even as an adult would fit in my purse. All I know is that I need to get the Baby Love feeling out of my head pronto or else I'm going to drive myself mad wondering what would happen if...

I am not a mommy blogger...and it sucks sometimes

We hold these truths to be self-evident that not all blogs are created equal.
Some bloggers are endowed by their families with certain alienable rights -- like life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness and free speech. 

I'm envious of mom/my bloggers. There have been so many times I've wished upon a shooting star that I could write about this, that and everything that relates to my family.

There was the time that......oh wait, can't mention so-and-so.
Did I tell you that my kid and I.....oh wait, not supposed to talk about that for fear of upsetting someone.

I can't talk freely on my blog because I am a stepmom and I have alienable rights as it relates to my content.

It is true that I made the choice to write a stepmom blog. I could have written a blog about pole dancing or karate and probably not have the same constraints. I could have written under a pen name, but then I would have felt like I wasn't being completely true to who I was. I could have password protected things or made up pseudonyms, but I didn't.

There are so many things in my life I wish I could write about. From a recent introduction that has reshaped our family to my true feelings about parenthood, I could write about these things, but I'd be risking an awful lot (further alienation, marital jeopardy) for some mental clarity.

Every single time I post, I have to ask myself: Will this blog post be used against me? Will it be printed out and shoved in my face as proof that I'm not StepMother Theresa?

And so I weigh the consequences.

I graduated from college with a Journalism degree. Free speech is a huge deal to me and that I don't have it on something I created for me makes me want to grind my $60,000 reconstructed jaw down to the nubs.

My blog and my internal journalist are at a crossroads as to what to do. I consider this blog one of my babies and will do just about anything to defend it; however, at what point do I give in to the other side and can there be a good balance?

I guess I have a glimpse of what my husband goes through when his first wife and I don't agree on something.

There have been times lately when I wished I was a mom/my blogger. I'd love to use my stepkids' names and write about things that happened -- funny, sad or somewhere in between -- so that I can proudly talk about my life and how unperfect and un StepMother Theresa it is.

Protecting The Blind Side

This weekend, my husband and I finally saw The Blind Side; the movie which fellow stepmom Sandra Bullock won her Oscar for.

If I can be so blunt, I ABSOLUTELY LOVED this movie. I'd seen a Primetime Special about the Touhys (the family portrayed in the movie) and loved Leigh Anne Touhy's moxie and her attitude in the special. She's got good ol' Southern Christian values and while I may not be a huge believer in God or the Bible, I do believe in doing the right thing.

The movie starts out with the following voice over which sets up what a Blind Side is: Now, y'all would guess that more often than not, the highest paid player on an NFL team is the quarterback. And you'd be right. What you probably don't know is that more often than not, the second highest paid player is, thanks to Lawrence Taylor, a left tackle. Because, as every housewife knows, the first check you write is for the mortgage, and the second is for the insurance. The left tackle's job is to protect the quarterback from what he can't see coming. To protect his blind side.

Now interpret from that what you will. At first that quote made me think of blended family life: husbands are the quarterbacks and we as Stepmoms are the left tackle -- we're there to protect our husbands. Granted, that sounds a little 1950's Stand By Your Man-ish so if that thought doesn't blow your skirt up then by all means, don't apply it to your life.


Getting down to the rest of the movie...If you haven't seen it yet -- watch it. Even if you don't like football. If you want to watch a movie that will make you feel good about parenting a child that isn't biologically yours, then this is one of the movies. In fact, I consider The Blind Side the Stepmom of the 2000's.


Seriously ladies. I've confessed that I don't believe in God and organized religion isn't really my thing, but after seeing this movie, I felt compelled to act like the good Christian woman Leigh Anne Touhy is/was. I've made an effort to look at the world differently and to not judge books by their covers. (In Stepmom speak,  remember that everyone has a backstory -- the stepkids, the bio-mom, etc. that you don't know the entirety of. Don't judge or hate if you don't understand). 


I'm doing a piss-poor job of articulating how this movie moved me to be a better person and, as it relates to this blog, a better stepmom. But it did and that's all that matters to me.

On the Air April 5: Is Your Stepfamily Tearing You Apart ?

Peggy Nolan and I will be dishing with Susan Wisdom, author of StepCoupling on April 5. Join us (for Free!) 8 p.m.-9 p.m. EST at http://blogtalkradio.com/thestepmomstoolbox. What we don't finish in the hour, we'll be continuing the discussion on Stepchicks after the show. 

If you listen live over your computer, make sure you login at blogtalk so that you can participate in Live Chat! Peggy and I ask listener questions on air!

• Learn the pitfalls to avoid in your remarriage
• Learn to put your marriage first
• Learn to say NO
• Learn to set boundaries with unreasonable ex-wives

You don’t want to miss this show!
What would you like to ask Susan? Leave a comment and we’ll ask your questions on the air!