I Know Why The Stepfamily Screams: Meeting My Stepdad for the First Time

We hadn’t been home for two days when Jack started calling. He had it bad for my mom and the feeling was mutual. They’d spend hours talking on the phone. When my dad weekends started to become “Mom escapes to Farm Town” I knew I was heading for trouble.

I started acting out when it became obvious that things were getting serious with my mom and Jack. First, I told anyone who would listen that my mother made me stand out in the freezing cold for hours waiting for the bus rather than let me stay inside. Never mind that it was May, I wanted my mom’s attention turned back to me.

I was practically ready to call the Department of Children and Family Services on my mom when she dropped me off with my aunt so she could meet her boy toy for a weekend rendezvous. I think I ignored her for a week after that. My uncle told me I was being a brat and my cousin told me to get over it. Clearly, I’d need to exchange my family in for a nicer one if this relationship turned into marriage.

The rendezvous turned into more serious conversations about the future and what it held for Jack and my mom. By July 31, my mom was convinced I was ready to officially meet this new man in her life.

She lured me in with shopping. Jack lived within 25 miles of what I could only describe as the coolest shopping mall I’d ever been in. It was a month until school started again and this soon-to-be seventh grader needed some new clothes. When I saw the Bugle Boy store, I begged, pleaded, and practically gave away my first born to get my first pair of Bugle Boy jeans which of course no one back home had. I picked up a few awesome finds that I knew my buddies back home would totally be coveting when they saw them on me.

Jack’s Farm Town USA may not have been that fantastic, but a girl could learn to like being within driving distance if this kind of mall.

As we made our way from the mall back to Farm Town, the glow of the shopping trip had started to wane and I was starting to get an unsettled feeling in my stomach. I’d really only slightly met this guy once before and he’d been taking a lot of my mom’s attention away from me. I may not have been a daddy’s girl, but my dad was looking pretty darn sweet to me right about then.

We pulled up to Jack’s gingerbread looking house and I rolled my eyes over the lack of driveway parking. The fact that we had to park out on a gravel strip confirmed what I believed to be the best testament to how much of a hick town this was.

Jack had recently finished mowing the lawn and had shaved and showered just for our arrival. He smelled of Old Spice and Scope and his light blue cotton shirt still showed the remnants of his recent shower.

“You must be Erin. I’m Jack. It’s nice to meet you finally,” he said as if he’d been eagerly awaiting my arrival.

“Um. Yeah. Hi Jack. It’s nice to meet you.” I muttered, still looking around at the inside of his bachelor pad.

“I hope you don’t mind,” he started to say as he cuddled and kissed my mom hello.

“But I ordered a pizza from the place down the road. It should be here pretty soon.”

Great. I didn’t even know the guy and he was already picking out my pizza toppings. If I hate this pizza, I’m so sitting out in the car for the rest of the evening.

Twenty minutes later, the delivery man showed up with our large “garbage” pizza.

The garbage referred to the heaping mounds of everything on it: pepperoni, sausage, mushrooms, peppers, onions, olives. I love pizza as much as the next girl, but my anxiety over meeting my mom’s new fella combined with the knowledge that we still had a two hour drive ahead of us was making me queasy.

I took a paper plate and a few slices of pizza and asked for something to drink. Not sure if it was okay to eat pizza in the living room, or if he was a kitchen-only kind of guy, I stood at the kitchen counter and munched on my slices o’ garbage.

“Yummm” I managed to murmur so that he and my mom wouldn’t think I was a total jerk. I was secretly wondering exactly how much of this pizza I would have to eat before my mom and I could get the hell out of dodge. Jack seemed nice enough but I didn’t want to like him because liking him would mean my mom would like him even more and I really didn’t want that to happen.

After finishing my pizza, I made small talk about our shopping trip and the scenery on our way up. I’d never seen so much farmland in my life and I was pretty sure the Children of the Corn were going to steal me from a rest stop should we dare stop to pee.

My stomach started to get even more uneasy so I motioned to my mom that it was time to go. As a pre-teen, it seemed perfectly normal to me to indicate to my mom when it was time to go. The world did, after all, revolve around me didn’t it? It didn’t occur to me that she’d want to spend some cuddle time with Mr. Farm Town USA. I thought we came up for a shopping trip and a quick meet and greet. I didn’t realize we were staying for a sleepover.

When my moans, groans, heaves and sighs elicited little response, I decided to stick with my original passive-aggressive plan and go sit out in the car.

I’ve always resorted to empty cars when I need peace and quiet. There’s something about the steering wheel that reminds me I can peel the hell out if I need to leave in an emergency and the seats, with their gentle and soft fabric, feel like an old blanket wrapped around me.

I must have been sitting out in the car longer than I’d thought because the next thing I remember my mother was at the passenger side window tersely inquiring as to why I was sitting out in the car and not inside with her and Jack.

“Because I want to go MOM!” I yelled in my angst-ridden voice.

“Can’t we just leave?”

“No, Jack has invited us up here for pizza and to meet you and you’re sitting out in the car being very rude.”

“But I don’t want to be here!”

“I want to go home!”

By this time I was almost in tears. How dare my mom choose lust over me. Didn’t she know how wonderful I was? Didn’t she know that this guy was no good for her and that only I, her daughter, would make her feel special every day? Didn’t I tell her I loved her every single day? What else did she need? 

I begrudgingly went inside the house and moped for the rest of the evening until my mother said those magic words: “Well Jack, I think it’s time for Erin and I to head back home.”

I got up so fast I nearly knocked over my soda and I barely even waved good bye to Jack on my way out the door.

I Know Why The Stepfamily Screams -- Trips in the middle of the night

Adapted from I Know Why The Stepfamily Screams

October 1985

Dear Diary,

Mom woke me up in the middle of the night and told me to pack some clothes because we were going on a trip. I'm not sure where we're going or why. I have school tomorrow and I'm not sure if we'll be back in time for me to go to school.

I fell asleep to the sound of my parents fighting. It was one of their loudest fights ever. I think I heard my Dad tell my Mom to get out. I wonder if we are leaving because of that. I've been sleeping on and off for a few hours now. We left in the middle of the night and Mom is crying really hard. I hope we don't crash. I'm too young to die…

~~~~~

We're going to my grandmother's house in Georgia. There's a song that came on the radio called The Devil Went Down to Georgia. It seems sort of weird that there's a song like that playing when Mom and I are going to Georgia. I wonder if they have a song that says Mom and I went down to Georgia looking for a heart to heal?  I think we're going to Georgia because my Mom is really sad and her Mom is going to help her feel better. I'm glad my Mom has her Mom like that. My Mom makes me mad but I hope she always helps me out when I am not having a good day.

Mom hasn't been crying as much lately. We've been singing to the radio for a while and we've made up words to the songs. Our favorite so far is "Every time you go away….you take a piece of meat with you…" Get it….meat instead of me? HA!

~~~~~

We've been at my Grandma's house for a few days now. I miss Max, my boyfriend. I don't really like my teacher that much but Max is really cute and he totally thought I was cool from the first day of school. I wonder what will happen with my school work when I get back to school. I don't think I've ever been away from school for this long.

I wonder if my Dad misses me. I miss him. His favorite thing to do to me is to tickle my neck and stomach which can be a lot of fun especially when I'm in a good mood. A lot of my friends say they hate it when it he tickles us, but they still laugh like crazy and ask him to do it again. He'll act like a silly goof and run around the house making funny sounds and faces saying that he is the Tickle Monster. I know I’m nine but it still makes me laugh like a little girl when he does that. It makes me laugh so hard I almost have to pee. I think that's how my Dad shows me that he loves me. He gives me hugs and kisses and he calls me Erin Allowishus Baby Type Girl but I think being the Tickle Monster is his way of hanging out with me.

Diary, I miss my Dad. I miss the old times when my Mom and Dad used to get along really well. I'm not sure I like this sneaking off on secret vacations stuff. It's fun to hang out with my mom, but I don't really know what's going on.

Diary, do you have any ideas?
-xoxo

I Know Why The Stepfamily Screams

Once upon a time -- about six months ago -- I started to write a memoir.

I'd called it "I Know Why The Stepfamily Screams" and I thought that I'd fill it with an honest account of my  blended family lives. (To be honest, the story of my life isn't all that interesting; however, the fact that I came from a broken-then-blended home and entered into another one seemed to make for an interesting story to a lot of my stepfamily friends.) 

And so I began to write. I rifled through diaries and journals hoping to conjure up memories of when my Mom and Dad first separated and divorced; when my Mom moved in with my Stepdad and I lived with my Dad; when my Mom and Stepdad married; and when I moved in with my Mom and Stepdad and we all -- with my brother and sister -- became one big happy family.

I've always been fascinated by the similarities in my stepchild life and my stepmom life: divorce, moving, remarriage, pregnancy, happiness, sadness, love, honor, tradition, blah blah blah....you get the picture.

I wrote four chapters of my memoir before I realized how many people's feelings might get hurt if I pursued a contract and an agent for it. The feelings in my memoir were raw and unfiltered. In fact, when I sent my Mom and Dad the chapters for fact-checking sake, my Dad actually wrote me a long apology for how I'd felt so long ago.

Knowing that I could make my Dad feel bad and knowing how other people's lives have been affected by what I write, I decided not to continue on with the memoir.

Nonetheless, I've always thought it was worth publishing some of the divorce-remarriage-blended family moments from my younger years. I think a lot of what happened then has helped me become who I am today.

Writing the section about my parent's divorce and remarriages was especially eye-opening. I often found myself trying to re-picture the situations that seemed so dire back then and using my Stepmother point of view to examine both sides of the arguments.

In the coming, days, weeks and months, you'll be seeing snippets of the memoir. Do with the words what you wish; however, I do ask that you contemplate blended familyhood from all perspectives. The next time you're ready to wring your stepkid's neck, stop for a second and think about the situation from their point of view.

Join StepMom Magazine's Ask the Experts Panel on Wednesday, March 24

I'm excited to share that StepMom Magazine is hosting an Ask the Experts event on March 24 from 11 a.m. to 6 p.m.EST on the StepMom Magazine Facebook Page.

To participate, post a question on the StepMom Magazine Facebook wall; throughout the day, the panel of experts will answer your questions.

The Experts that will be answering questions include:

• Wednesday Martin
• Joan Sarin
• Jennifer Newcomb Marine
• Susan Davis Swanson
• Mary Kelly Williams
• Susan Wisdom
• Benjamin Garber

Life Lessons Via DVR

Some people decompress by playing video games; some do it by writing or by yoga. My vice of choice? Television. I don't know what it is, but there's something about the shows that makes my life seem so much more normal.

While some people might say that television rots your brain, I beg to differ. Thanks to Dr. House and The Loche Black Monster I've heard a couple of handy nuggets of advice in the past few weeks.

Piece of Advice #1: Just because someone is in your life doesn't mean they want to be in everyone else's life. 
This piece of advice comes from the show House, Episode 15 "Private Lives." Long story short: The patient is an avid blogger who puts her entire life on display much to the detriment of her relationship with her boyfriend. I watched this episode while also reading a blog comment about how blogging about your life is a little like being famous -- you have to determine that fine line between what is too much information and what is just enough to make the point. Writing about my feelings on my blog has been cathartic for me; however, dealing with the consequences of airing my feelings hasn't been so cathartic. I've lost points over it within my marriage, friendships and family. After watching this particular episode, I made a pledge to myself and to the people I care about that I'll be more conscious of what I write about all of the other people in my life.

Piece of Advice #2: Most people need at least one thing to hate a lot to keep themselves motivated. 
This lil' nugget comes from this past week's episode of Lost, Episode: "Recon." Near the end of the episode, right after Claire wants to beat the crap out of Kate, John "Black Smoky Monster" Locke apologizes on Claire's behalf to Kate. His words have reminded me of something I get a sense of a lot of as it pertains to Stepmom/Moms relationships: "I'm sorry for her actions...I told her The Others took Aaron because I needed her to hate them so that she's stay motivated." Sit and think about that one for a second. Sometimes anger or hate is what keeps us motivated to continue to be mean or alienating. If we stop hating, then where will the motivation to keep fighting the impossible fight go?

This last piece of advice fit in well with the 30 Day Affirmation Challenge. For me, the day I saw this episode, I decided my affirmation should be that I try not to let hate in my heart. It's not always easy, but I do try to not take people's feelings about me or my actions personally.

Are there any shows or things that you do that you've found life lessons in? I'd love to hear about it!

Daily Affirmation Challenge, Day 1

I'm having a bit of a crap evening right now which is why I'm glad I have the 30 Day Affirmation Challenge to help keep my spirits high.

Today's Affirmation (my first) is: I am a DAMN Good Woman.

I keep looking at my single index card and repeating the the affirmation over and over again.

I wish I could talk about why I'm having a bad evening, except I can't. File it under things that cannot be mentioned on my blog. And don't even get me started on things I can't talk about on my blog. Gag orders have never sat well with me.

So my dear ladies, what affirmations have you come up with so far? 

The 30 Day Affirmation Challenge

Repeat after me: 
I will no longer allow me to beat myself up.
I am in charge of my own happiness
I will recognize that I may be the most mature one in the stepfamily
I will let her issues be her issues

Ladies, I've just come off of another fabulous airing of The Stepmom's Toolbox Radio Show. Tonight, Peggy and I talked with Tricia Powe of Stepfamily Systems about how Stepmoms can use self assessment and affirmation to combat negativity that might come up in their lives.

Part of the conversation that really got Peggy and I charged up was Tricia's challenge to make a habit of daily positive affirmations. Each day, write down a new affirmation that you can keep with you at all times. (One of the recommendations was to write each affirmation on an index card or on a sticky note.) In order to turn anything into a habit, experts suggest doing it for at least 21-30 days.

Seeing as though Peggy and I are self-aware, self-challenging women, we decided to turn the habit into a challenge.  See if you can make a daily habit of noticing (and noting) a positive affirmation about yourself for at least 30 days.

And so the challenge, ladies, if you chose to accept it, is to write at least one card per day for at least 30 days with a positive affirmation. Your affirmations don't need to be long and they don't need to make sense to anyone but you. The point of the affirmations are to remind you that you're not a mean or evil stepmom who is out to make people's lives miserable; in fact, you're quite the opposite and you have 30+ reminders to prove it.

Need some inspiration to get you started? The following ideas came up during our show:

• She has issues I cannot control, but I can control my actions and emotions
• Her immaturity or lack of self-awareness has caused her pain which she takes out on me; this is not my fault
• I have a good, loving heart
• I do not give up easily
• I make a good parent

And so the challenge is on: Who's up for the 30 Day Affirmation Challenge? And best of all, what is your first affirmation?

Take a Stand For Your Blended Family: Combat Parental Alienation Syndrome

File this one under human behaviors I loathe: parents who purposefully alienate their children's other parents. I always consider myself one of the lucky stepmoms in that our blended family doesn't stand for alienating one another. We may not see eye to eye on everything or be BFF's, but we respect each other and encourage a free flow of love among everyone.

Such is not the case of some blended families. (I don't know how many blended families endure alienation but I'm sure the number would confound me.) There are some families that endure days, months and even years of a thing called Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS).

Oklahoman Rebekah Bradley is one such stepmom. She's recently started a Facebook Group, Taking A Stand for My Blended Family where folks can become members to take a stand against PAS.

Lest you think that PAS is just a crafty name given to an upset parent, PAS is real. Rebekah explained to me something pertaining to her life:

"The only thing I can really do is go to the state about PAS. The judge won't give the time or day and he won't take into consideration that this is signs of PAS. I have emailed the senator and I have made groups. I'm making an online petition so I will have something BIG to show the state. I'm not only taking a stand for my situation but for anyone else that maybe going through this or they have been through this."

Rebekah noted, "All you have to do is join and invite people to the group to show your support. When I pass out the petition on my group/fan page be sure to sign it and pass it along. My goal is to show the state senator that I'm not the only one that is having issues with PAS."

Click on http://www.thepetitionsite.com/petition/691955486 to sign the petition.

A Little Light Reading for Stepmoms

It's occurred to me that through promoting Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Being a Stepmom But Were too Afraid to Ask that there are people who've never heard of me or this blog. *gasp!*

For those of you who don't have the slightest clue who I am or what qualifies me to write a book about Stepmoms, I offer you this brief bio:

I've been with my husband for almost 7 years. He has two kids whom I only mention as Stepdaughter and Stepson. They have a mom who lives a mile north of us. Their mom is a really good mom and we do most of our communicating through my husband.

My husband travels for his job and I see him on the weekends when he's in town. I used to take on a lot of responsibility for my stepkids, but recently decided to step back from that. The decision to step back was one of the most empowering things I've done in my entire stepmom life. I feel more content with my role as a Stepmom and I'm able to see things more clearly and to take better care of myself.

Coming to this realization took time, a little bit of discomfort and a helluva lot of blog posts.

I've listed some of the most popular posts on The Erin Experiment in case you want the condensed "don't have time to read your whole fraggin' blog" version.

Learning the Art of the Stepmom Stepback
Living Outloud
Whose Job is it Anyway? Dealing with my Stepmom Role Issues
The Reality and the Perception of Stepmotherhood
Religion and Stepkids: Heaven or Hell?
Stepmom's House Rules
Are you still a stepmom if you aren't legally a stepmom?
Diary of a nervous breakdown
Whose House is it anyway?
Therapy, Interrupted

Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Being a Stepmom...

HOLY BALLS!!!!!!

Y'all are freaking awesome. Through the wonderful network of the Stepmom Posse, Facebook posts and a friendly shout out to the Stepchicks, I've managed to secure a buttload of questions so far for the book.

I can already tell this is going to be a great book even if I wind up self-publishing it and selling copies from my living room.

But I can still use more questions! Does anyone have anything they're curious to know about insofar as self-care or end-of-relationship discussions are concerned? How about bringing a new kid into the family? Or farting. Does anyone have any questions about farting? (can't help myself...I live with an 8 year old and a 37-year old who has the sense of humor of an 8 year old)

Keep the questions coming ladies (and gents if any of them read!).

P.S. To make things easier, I turned the original post into its own page: http://www.erinexperiment.com/p/everything-you-ever-wanted-to-know.html

xoxo,
Erin

Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Being a Stepmom...But Were too Afraid to Ask

I'm about to embark on a new and exciting project my dear ladies and gents.

After much contemplation, excitement, overjoyed and rambunctious e-mails to members of the Stepmom Posse as well as a few beers and some wings at BW3, I've decided I want to write a book.

One of the things that I love most about writing this blog, aside from the fact that I can write dirty words on it and no one gets mad at me, is that it -- and by extension, I -- helps answer questions a lot of stepmoms have.

I love helping people out. I love finding answers to questions and learning something in the process. I love making people laugh and I love the special stepmom connection I feel with so many of the wonderful people that read this blog.

All of that being said, I've decided I want to try and piece together a humorous advice book for anyone who's ever known, been or may think they want to be a stepmom.

But I need your help. I need to know what you've always wanted to know about being a Stepmom but were too afraid to ask.

For instance...

• Is it okay to have sex while my partner's kids are at our house?
• Am I within my rights to demand my stepdaughter not eat my Cheerios?
• What clothes can I avoid to make me look less soccer mom and more sexy SMILF?
• Why do my stepkids not understand showering? Or deodorant? 
• Is it okay to go AWOL on my birthday?
• Do I really need to invite my stepkids to our wedding?
• Should I hire security to keep his ex away?
• Is it possible to have a 'Stepmom Shower' if I'm not having my own children but am marrying into them?
• How many chores is too many chores for my stepkids? 

You get the idea? Good.

Now, in order to turn this into a book you won't be able to put down, I need a few hundred questions to volley at the Stepmom Posse (who have all graciously agreed to help answer any and all questions our fellow Stepmoms have...no matter how crass, gross, embarrassing, funny, or serious.)

Can I count on y'all for your help?

Awesome. To submit a question, e-mail me at erin [at] erinexperiment [dot] com. I promise to keep you posted on the status of this little ditty...and if we make the New York Times Best Seller list....well, then...drinks on me.

Free Call March 10: The Three Keys to Surviving the First Years of Stepfamily Life

Stepfamily Coach Claudette Chenevert is hosting a free call on March 10 at 8 p.m. EST.

Titled "The Three Keys to Surviving the First Years of Stepfamily Life," the discussion will offer stepfamilies an opportunity to hear how some stepmoms overcame  hurdles that often occur in the early years of forming a step-relationship.

Register and receive details of the call at http://www.coachingsteps.com/registerseminar/3keystosurviving.php

Listeners can learn what are some of the things you can do right now to get some relief.

Claudette will also be introducing listeners to her new Stepmom Survival Program Level One. For more information regarding this program, go to http://www.coachingsteps.com/workshops/stepmomgroup03172010.php

PS. If you're wondering if this program is right for you, check out Claudette's Stepfamily Assessment at
http://www.coachingsteps.com/parentingquestionaire.php and judge for yourself.

Jacque Fletcher Offering Stepmom Coaching

BecomingAStepmom.com's Jacque Fletcher is starting another Stepmom Circles Group Coaching session the week of March 15. Space is extremely limited so email her at becomingastepmom (at) gmail (dot) com if you want to reserve a spot.

Information about Stepmom Circles Group
The Stepmom Circles group meets for an hour and a half each week for six weeks over the telephone. Every week Jacque leads a discussion on a particular stepfamily challenge. (Creating a strong partnership with your spouse, dealing with the ex, bonding with the stepkids, handling your negative feelings, identifying common stepfamily mistakes, discovering what successful stepfamilies know). Then there is an open talk about  particular questions and issues.

Cost
The cost of a six-week session is $197. That’s about $32 per week.

email becomingastepmom (@) gmail (dot) com for more information.

Moms and Stepmoms: Can't we all just get along?

I'm still tingling with excitement over having talked with Wednesday Martin on Monday night. I have a bit of a Stepmom Girl Crush on Dr. Martin and getting to talk to her was like getting to talk to Kate Spade herself.

Throughout the course of the show, we had some great chatting going on in the Stepmoms Toolbox Radio Show chat room. A lot of the ladies posed great questions about how they can do their own Stepmom Stepbacks.

There were also a few questions about dealing with the moms in the stepfamily equation.  One question in particular got me thinking: Why does it seem like Stepmoms are always the ones seeking approval from everyone? Why don't the Moms ever seem to be trying to make peace?

It's something that I think about a lot. Not because of my own Stepmom/Stepkids' mom relationship but because of so many of the things I see written on The Stepfamily Letter Project, Stepchicks and via my Facebook friends' updates.

The fact that groups work to strike down Parental Alienation Syndrome worries the crap out of me. I applaud the men and women who work to abolish a parent treating another parent like crap. It's unconscionable to me me that people can be so cruel to one another.

Maybe I'm living in a fantasy and maybe I have an Alice in Wonderland approach to getting along, but why is it so difficult to have at least a peaceful co-existence for some blended families?

What am I not understanding? What is up with all of the hate? Does the hate really help people feel better?

If anyone can shed some light for me, please leave me a comment.