A blog reader recently sent me the following question:
What can we (my husband and I) do with my 12 year old stepson that doesn't seem to like coming over to our house anymore. He seems to prefer his mom's house (who has primary custody) and when he does come over he seems really moody.
The rules between houses aren't extremely different although we expect him to do a few chores and clean up after himself at our house. His mom's house is a little more lax.
What could/should we do?
I have a few ideas for solving this dilemma (one of which includes checking with my own stepfather whom could have written this question 20 years ago about me). Before I chime in, I'm curious to know what my fellow stepmoms would advise this wonderful stepmom.
Let us know in the comments and I'll be following up soon with my advice.
6 comments:
I have this very same situation with my SD - 15. She hates coming to our house and would much prefer to stay with her mother. My thought is this...insisting that she comes is only building resentment and anger. If I had a say, I'd let her stay with her mom and let her know should she want to spend some time at our house, she is welcome as long as she gives us advance notice. (we aren't a bed and breakfast after all!)
I think this would enhance the relationship between her and her father rather than 'force' a relationship.
When dealing with the kids, I don't think they should be forced into a situation. I know factually that my steps would be much happier if they could stay with their mom rather than the back and forth of the current visitation schedule. And truthfully, having people forced to be in your company makes for a really loooooong miserable visit.
I think Dad needs to enforce time together. You wouldnt let your kid move in with the neighbors if thats where they would prefer to live. Kids need balanced time with both parents, even if they think they can do whatever they want.
I am having the same issue for 8 years now. I even went as far as to renovate my house to accomodate my b/f's kids and to no avail. We have tried the not forcing and we see the kids on their terms not the visitation's, and I can tell you that is not alot. I understand them having their rooms at their moms nad everything but we are approaching the holidays and dur to this distance we have with the kids who are only 10 miles away it makes Xmas even harder for us. We cannot afford to win their affection this year with expensive gifts due to do my b/f and myself losing hours at our jobs. I am excited to see there is a place for us to vent.
I am having the same issue for 8 years now. I even went as far as to renovate my house to accomodate my b/f's kids and to no avail. We have tried the not forcing and we see the kids on their terms not the visitation's, and I can tell you that is not alot. I understand them having their rooms at their moms nad everything but we are approaching the holidays and dur to this distance we have with the kids who are only 10 miles away it makes Xmas even harder for us. We cannot afford to win their affection this year with expensive gifts due to do my b/f and myself losing hours at our jobs. I am excited to see there is a place for us to vent.
I can't help but think that this is natural progression for our stepkids.
I'm kinda looking ahead a few years already and preparing myself (and quietly my OH) for the time my SD (9) will say she doesn't want to come here as often. I know it because as a teenager, I SO did not want to hang around my parents. I had other stuff to do.
I think we have to respect that our stepkids will want to do their own thing.
Re: Readers Question.
If the stepkids are close enough, could it be possible to, not have them stay at your house, but to get them over for a family dinner or meet up to do something together but then they go back to BMs if they wish?
I echo the previous comment from Talia. By giving the stepkids a bit of space and respecting their own social space can buy you a lot of brownie points in the future and they will appreciate it.
If a visitation schedule is too ridgid, there can be big behavioural problems!
Stepmummy1,
I agree! We are and have been dealing with huge behavioural problems with SD. She hates coming to our house and makes the environment toxic while there. She completely ignores me and my girls, and has nothing to do with anything family related. I truly believe if she was allowed to stay at her mother's house her attitude would change. I pray it would anyway!
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