Such is the case this week with something with one of the kids and I confess that my heart feels sad and heavy that I was left out.
I've made no bones about the fact that my stepkids have a mom and a dad and that I'm not an accessory to be worn whenever the feeling strikes. I'm my husband's wife; co-parent to my stepkids when they're in his care. I'm not the babysitter, the nanny, the housekeeper or the chauffeur.
But stepping back has also meant stepping aside and not raising a fuss when something doesn't feel fair. I'm having a tough time wishing I was attending a Christmas program at the kids' school that I'm not attending because I wasn't invited.
Some friends have told me to just go to the event regardless of the invite. "You're just as much your stepkids' parent....."
Some friends have told me that my stepkid probably expects me there. I doubt that. I may be a warm body to snuggle with and hang out with but I'm not sure if the stars hang on my presence at a concert.
But my internal mom-respecter knows that if I was wanted there, I would have been asked....And I wasn't asked. I've helped rehearse songs and bought concert clothing, but no invitation or mention of what time the concert is or where.
Intruding would have been selfish on my part and I don't know that this is worth the battle.
But my heart hurts a little today as I know my stepkid has a concert I was left out of perhaps because I've chosen to step back from being a hyper-involved stepmom.
Ladies -- if you've stepped back -- have you had instances where you've sometimes regretted the decision? Would you become more involved to be more involved?
17 comments:
Sorry to hear you got your feelings hurt. I never get invited to anything, but am expected to be there just like mom & dad. It's just a given with them. My stepkids just assume I will be at their functions unless I tell them otherwise. Maybe yours think the same thing.
The thing is -- I don't even know what time the event is. I know it's today but I don't know when.
My reasoning is if I was wanted there then someone would have confirmed that I knew when and where to be.
Wondering if this is a case of Stepmom wasn't wanted (or needed).
well, my SD5 is in dance, she had a recital but i wasn't told when or where it would be so obviously i didn't go, she said to me "you didn't come see me dance" and i had to tell her i didn't know about it.. and she said "but i told you i had a dance" which is true she did tell me like 2 weeks before the supposed recital, but my husband never mentioned it to me. he probably went and didn't tell me because he didn't want me and BM to meet. that was hurtful..
now she has another recital, i know about them now, i've never met BM, so thats a little akward, and so now instead of not being told about this one i am being pressured to go by outsiders like DH's mom. I will probably go, i just hope BM doesn't have a fit about it and make SD feel bad about me coming.
Erin,
Does your husband have all the details? Is he going? I am new to your blog so I don't know how good he is about sharing all that info with you, without being asked.
My stepdaughters mom is HORRIBLE about relaying information. Any information we get is directly through the girls. This weekend was the perfect example. They both had to dance, and one had a cheer competition. I kept asking, what time, who is staying where and what parent is bringing what child to what event??????? My husband finally said to me (after a week of trying to find out) "you are a planner and she is not, we will know the day before at the earliest." I find this unacceptable, he doesn't.
I am never actually invited to any of these things, but if I don't attend I am always asked "Why didn't you go?"
I agree with your reasoning that if you were wanted then someone would have made sure you knew the details, but we are talking about kids who don't always think about telling anyone what is going on.
My husband was unaware there was a concert going on. He lives/works in Canada during the week (the rest of us are in Illinois).
My stepkid mentioned to me this weekend that they had a concert coming up and that they were nervous because they weren't sure about a section they were supposed to do. When I asked about how much more rehearsal time there was the answer was "I think a few more days."
I was asked to pick my stepkid up some pants yesterday for the concert which I was glad to do -- they'll be nice for future dress-up events -- but that was it re: the event.
I'm sure I'll catch some hell for writing about this on my blog but frankly I'd been feeling pretty confident and comfortable about things until this started festering. Now I'm questioning if I made the right decision about stepping back.
“Hey stepkid, I noticed I wasn’t invited to your concert. You don’t have to invite me to everything, but I was hoping we could talk about it.”
You will NEVER know what is going on until you talk to them. Everything else is an assumption. Plus, wouldn’t you rather know? If they are in a loyalty bind, how awesome would it be for you to make a place to express that and have them acknowledge it? How awesome would it be if you could express that you were hurt that you helped them practice but weren’t invited.
My advice is emotionally risky, but it might pay off. Plus, you get to be authentic.
I'll probably ask this this weekend how the concert went. We'll see how the conversation goes from there. If my stepkid asks why I wasn't there (which I doubt will happen) I'll mention that no one told me when to be there.
Hey Erin,
I believe you are right about stepping back and it having consequences. I'm a step-back stepmom, my SD is a teenager, and it seems that unless hubs wants me somewhere I'm not invited. Heck, I'm not even welcome around for "family" events. The things is I'm okay with it. If BM and SD want me to stay out of her life then they get to miss out on the wonderful person I am and the things I could do for her. Stepping back is for our sanity and it seems that some people want to punish us for that, but put on your super stepmomma cape and let it bounce off. It's not personal, they just don't think about hurting feelings or even being polite, IMHO. HUGS!
Something I have contemplated is how my stepping back makes everyone else wonder what to tell me about or include me in. If I myself can't seem to define what I want or don't want to be included in then how would everyone else know.
Interesting thought.
I am sorry to hear your feelings were hurt. I've stepped waaaaay back. I have two steps who won't speak to me. Ever. I get an occassional hello and goodbye when in their father's presence, otherwise, I am completely ignored.
Perhaps on your next visit, ask how the event went and if asked about your whereabouts, tell them the truth. You didn't think your presence was needed as you weren't provided the details of the event. That insures liability on their part.
Hugs to you. This stepmothering thing is the.hardest.thing.I've ever done!
Erin---most kids (bio or step) have know idea what day or time their concerts are (especially boys)!! Call the school, find out what time the concert is and GO!
DH told me a few years ago that if I was waiting for an engraved invite to show up in the mail that I'd be waiting a VERY LONG time. If you want to show your support of the kids then YOU have to take the initiative to find out when the events are, esp since your DH is out of country during the week.
Now go call the school!! XXOO B
Is it an event open to the general public? I think as "Dad's wife", I'd still feel free to go if I wanted to go, even if I wasn't specifically invited. I'm not sure I'd wait for an invitation from anyone -- just showing up as a loving presence at a public event doesn't hurt or disrespect anyone. You could always call the school and find out the time, if you wanted to! I don't think that would be overstepping at all.
The concert was today -- Several people mentioned calling the school which I didn't do but in hindsight should have.
It seems to be a really fine line with what we/I feel comfortable attending because it's public and what or how I'm trying to be respectful of those who may have not wanted me there.
Dearest Erin,
The answer is always no unless we ask. One of the biggest mistakes we make is to make assumptions. We assume because we're afraid to ask questions...and we've been taught not to ask questions.
In stepping back you've reclaimed the right to be yourself and not define yourself by the role stepmom. This doesn't mean you don't care or don't love your stepchildren.
My guess is you assumed they'd invite you and your stepkids assumed you'd be there.
Assumptions create a lose/lose.
You have my number...feel free to call me =)
xo
Peggy
Erin,
Hi. I understand that fine line you are talking about. At what point do you keep asking and trying to attend events, and at what point is what your doing pushing too hard to be a part of the kids lives.
I am wondering if just by mentioning the nerves if your stepkid felt like they were opening the door for you to get more information and attend the event. I am not sure what kind of pressures your stepkids feel in terms of loyalty to BM, especially since dad works in Canada during the week.
I think you handled this situation the best you could for you. Also on a side note, most school actually have an online calendar of events. That may take some of the guess work out of things. I have started looking up information myself on line to get a calendar together.
I hope that your asking about how the concert went leads to a good conversation about the kid letting you know details if they want you to attend. I have always been told that you have to be more specific about your expectations with kids, and that you will repeat it often before it seems to take root :)
Good luck with trying to figure out exactly how much you want to step back, and I am sure you will be feeling confident about your place again here soon.
I joined the parent council at ss's school this year, and I ask the teacher to inform is about any events just in case. Teachers like any parent involvement. BM doesn't pay attention to notices that go home so she has no idea what's happening in the school. If she does find out and decide to tell us its at 9pm the night before or 7am day of. My husband end up being the only parents there sometimes because we take time off in advance. If you have a good relationship with the kids, they will be happy to see you at any event. You don't need BM's permission or invitation. The kids may not realize you are waiting for an actual invitation. They know parents go to events and
they think of you as a parent.
Hi Jean -- Thanks for commenting.
I can't say I agree, though, with the assumption that I'm welcome or invited to the kids' events. Same thing goes for teachers wanting any parent to be involved.
I've been in a few situations with kids' teachers where they throw down the "you're not the legal parent and therefore I can't talk to you about this" card. In our case, the kids are with their mom during the week so I don't see the folder(s) to look at things.
Also, I do believe I need BM's permission. She is their Mom -- not me. I am a firm believer in being respectful of that fact.
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