10 Steps to Stepmom Self Improvement

363 days ago, I introduced the Stepmoms Toolbox Radio Show to this blog. It was something Peggy Nolan -- the queen of the Stepmoms Toolbox -- had conceived and asked me to cohost with her.

That was hands-down the best decision I made in 2009. We started the first show talking to Jacquelyn Fletcher of Becoming A Stepmom fame and proceeded to talk to numerous other stepmom coaches, experts, writers and therapists throughout the year.

I think being a part of the show saved me this year. You know that line in Titanic where Rose says that Jack saved her in every way a person can? That's what that show has been to me. I was a shadow of my former self at the beginning of 2010. I felt depleted mentally and physcially. I had put on 40 pounds and felt extremely taken advantage of by everyone in my stepfamily. I was a martyr who resented everything I did for my family because I thought they'd all like me better if I did it. I was desperate to not be a wicked stepmom because that's what I thought I was.

With each person Peggy and I talked to, I felt Pathetic Erin unravel and a stronger version of me emerge. I'd written a blog post on Dec. 30, 2009 about my word for 2010: Improvement. You could say that I stuck to my word in 2010 because I feel like I have improved 10 fold.

While it would be amazing if you could go back and listen to each show Peggy and I did this year, I understand you might be crunched for time so I'm going to condense the 10 things I learned this year that helped with my Stepmom Self Improvement:

1. Stop being a martyr. SERIOUSLY. The only people who like martyrs are those that take advantage of them. Wilma Ham was amazing at sending this point home to me. You will instantly feel better the second you stop saying "okay" when you really meant "no, I don't want to." 
2. Put yourself first. A lot of stepmoms I know have mentioned this sounds selfish. I used to think it sounded selfish too, but then I started doing it and noticed that I didn't resent things as much.  
3. Stop taking things personally. This one comes from Don Miguel Ruiz's The Four Agreements. To summarize it -- if the ex is being a bitch, the partner an ass, and/or the stepkids total brats realize that is THEIR issue, not yours. 
4. Recognize you are human. This seems like it should be a no-brainer (you're not a droid, correct?) but I often felt like I was expected to have super-human strength when it came to getting thrown under the bus, being lied to or having my feelings hurt. Once I gave myself permission to cry or get mad I noticed that my anger didn't feel as pinned up as it had before.
5. Give yourself some credit. We so often pay attention to what we haven't done right that we often feel like we're not great people. That is so not true. I'm a great person, you're a great person -- write the reasons down if you need to and go back to them whenever you're feeling like crap. 
6. Put the marriage first. My stepkids have a mom and a dad (more on that in a sec.); however, I have only one husband -- a man I'd like to be married to so long as we're both feeling the same way about each other. I love my stepkids, but they aren't the center of my universe nor are they the reason I got married. I'd rather they see their dad and I having a positive marriage than watching either of us dote on them because they can't accept reality. 
7. I am the Stepmom; not the Mom (or the Dad). This -- along with #8 and #1 -- were the hardest for me to come to terms with. I had thrown so much of myself into my stepkids' lives that I couldn't find the line between stepmom and real/bio-parent. Everything I did for my husband and my stepkids, I wound up resenting because I didn't feel appreciated. I did what I did because I felt like I had to be the second version of Mom or Dad. Once I came to grips with the fact that I'm the Stepmom and Dad's wife (not the live-in babysitter, chauffeur, maid) I started to do less and therefore felt less resentful. 
8. Be willing to walk away. Everything I'd learned this year culminated in me knowing that I am the best me I can be; I am a strong woman that can stand on her own two feet if I need to. I don't need to be married and I don't need to have stepkids. These are both choices I make on a daily basis. Once I figured out that I am willing to walk away if I'm not treated respectfully -- or at least the same respect I give others in my family -- then everything became clearer. I wasn't stuck in a dead end. I was the master of my own fate.
9. Practice Tough Love. Sometimes I have to do things I don't want to do; I have to say no, I have to decline invitations or I have to take away toys. I don't do this to be a witch, rather I'm practicing tough love. I've found being tough sometimes commands a better reaction than being soft or compliant.
10. Love yourself first, the most and always. There is no one that watches out for me more than me (okay, maybe my mom). The kids, their dad and their mom will always look out for each other first which means I need to watch out for myself. To stand up for myself, I need to love the person I'm standing up for and I can't do that if I don't love myself first and love myself more than I love anyone else. The second I let my guard down and love myself less, becomes the second I start to lose my grip on who I've become. And I can't let that happen!

I hope each and every one of you have learned something that has made you a better person or a better stepmom this year. I'd love to know what it is. Please share in the comments.

For all ye lurkers out there --- have a wonderful holiday season and keep taking care of yourself!