Say it loud and say it proud ladies:
I am a boat rocker
and I'm proud of it!
and I'm proud of it!
I had a great response to my Sit Down, You're Rocking the Boat post a few weeks ago (yes, I know....I've been el-shitty-o when it comes to the frequency of my posts). I was fairly certain there were other women like me -- those who got the verbal or eye-twitching semblance of a "SHUT UP WOMAN!!" whenever they spoke up about something pertaining to their stepchildren or their stepfamily life.
I received regular emails, comments, Facebook comments and Facebook emails about that last post so I figured I was on to something.
One of the emails I received was from a stepmom whom I really respect and who told me (I'm paraphrasing): I'm not legally bound to these kids; any opinions I have about their care are not legally-binding; and if I operate under the capacity of what I am -- my husband's wife -- then presumably I should happier.
Let's dissect that for a second because I think a lot of us stepmoms could use some positive reinforcement when it comes to their boat rocking:
I'm not legally bound to these kids; any opinions I have about their care are not legally-binding
From what I can see there seem to be four camps of stepmoms
- custodial stepmoms that take on all responsibility of their stepkids
- custodial stepmoms that leave the parenting to their husbands save for a dollop or two of advice or punishment
- noncustodial stepmoms that like to contribute to the co-parenting
- noncustodial stepmoms that have disengaged or do not have anything to do with their stepkids.
What this tip reminds us is that when it comes down to whether or not Junior should be getting a new $100 toy for Christmas we can have all the opinions we want, but truth of the matter is Mom and Dad are the ones that should be having the conversation (unless Mom is absent in which case chat away). Mom and Dad don't want your opinion. Think about it: it's hard enough to come to an agreement with two people; throw in a third and you're risking a clusterfuck.
Leave the discussions to Mom and Dad. Sure, you can have an opinion, but it might be best of you voice it to your husband and not the entire gang.
This leads us to...
If I operate under the capacity of what I am -- my husband's wife -- then presumably I should happier.
You are first, foremost and most importantly your husband's wife. You're not Mom. Hard as you may try to be like a mom, you're not the mom. I know that sort of declaration upsets a lot of Stepmoms. It's hard for a majority of Stepmoms to digest that they can do every motherly thing under the sun but will not be Mom to their stepkids.
Let's back up a second on the Mom/not Mom debate.
Who did you marry? Did you marry your stepkids or did you marry your husband? Sure the kids came along with package, but you married their Father, not them.
If you focus your attention on your husband and your marriage rather than your stepkids you might be surprised at how much happier you are. Let HIM deal with the dreaded ex. Let HIM punish the kids when they've done something wrong. While he's busy doing that, you do something that YOU enjoy.
One last thing that this wonderful email contained was a piece of advice I think we Stepmoms forget amid the "they're just kids; they don't know any better" banter we read and hear all the time. If your stepkid(s) hurt your feelings by doing or saying something mean, awful, rude, etc. then tell them....Outloud....that they hurt your feelings. If you're old enough to dispense it, you're old enough to own up to it. Tell them you'd like them to apologize for it; make sure you tell their Dad as well.
Do you agree or disagree with this advice? Leave a comment and let's get the discussion started.
6 comments:
My husband and his ex do not go in and buy gifts or really anything for the kids. We buy for our house and she buys for her house (or actually we also buy for her house through child support, but that's a whole different issue).
I know that they are just kids, and actually it is my husband I end up getting irritated with because of being left out or being the "bad step-mom" who dares say anything about what goes on in our house with his kids. After having another issue this weekend, I finally sat him down and told him how I have been feeling and asked why he gets irritated when I dare say anything about the kids, yada, yada. I pointed out that last I knew, it was my house too and I should have some say in whether the kids are not picking up after themselves, leaving every single light on in the house, etc.
I do believe we had a good discussion and I am hopeful things will work out better in the future. We'll see...
I am a noncustodial stepmom. My husband does want my opinion. We discuss what goes on in our house. It's my house. I don't care whose child walks up in here. I have a say.
We don't have any say in what goes on at mom's house, and until and unless we see signs of abuse, we don't worry about it. The only rule of hers that we enforce over here is that my stepdaughter drinks organic milk.
I try to be super clear about NOT being Mom, just for everyone's sake. That keeps BM happy, since she's not being threatned, TD gets clear boundaries and roles, and I get some peace. In my world, being clear about who I'm NOT has been a lifesaver.
Oh, and for reference we have TD 40% of the time and I'm welcomed by my wonderful and supportive husband to contribute to parenting.
I have been following for a little bit and really enjoy your posts. It has helped me step back (along with reading step chicks). But I do think I have say in what goes on in my home as far as rules and money that is spent because it has a direct impact on me and any kids we have in the future. I do not hold my step kids to standards that I won't hold my own too.
My income, no matter if I make more or he does, contributes to what kind of extra money he can or can not spend on his kids-so yes, I do think I have say on that $100 dollar toy. In our case we do not go in on anything with BM but if he did, I would have a say and I think I deserve a say. My husband could probably not afford to live without my income just because of child support alone. The only reason extras can happen at times is because we share the household expenses.
I think Angie makes the key points for most people. We should have a say when it comes to our household and our money.
Also, I disagree with the idea of being "just" the wife for myself. I am joint-custodial stepmom and my partner has primary physical custody. My partner and I have a very good working relationship. I AM a mom - a stepmom. I am not Mom. SS will refer to me by name, or as his stepmom or other-mom depending on whom he is talking to. He tells people he has three parents.
When I get the "rock the boat" looks, it is almost always because my parter is afraid to stand up to a truly ridiculous request by BM (like taking a 5 year old who has never been away from either parent for more than 6 nights on a two week vacation without an equal stay with his other parent). I could sit back on things like that. But I choose to rock the boat and he has come to expect me to do so in those situations. Likewise, when I get extremely touchy over minor issues, I expect him to be the reasonable one and talk me down. It's a trade-off and a partnership.
As for BM, she knows exactly how much I do for her son and, while we don't get along, we are able to play nice. I do think she'd rather I take an active role than disengage. Though she has never said it to my face, I can tell that her attitude has improved over the years by the things SS repeats. Most mothers want the best for their kids, which MIGHT mean a stepmom. It just can take them a while to deal with that fact.
But if I have learned anything by reading various blogs and interacting on all the message boards, it is that every situation is different. What works for me won't work for everybody, maybe not even most people. Stepmoms need to experiment and find out what works for them AND be flexible to the change that inevitably comes as children grow up.
Profound words -"If your stepkids do something to hurt your feelings, tell them - OUTLOUD. If they are old enough to dispense it, they're old enough to own up to it."
We have to stop giving our children the "my parents are divorced," or "they don't know any better" excuses. They know better and in order to come close to harmonizing a stepfamily, we have to have certain expectations of them as well.
In an interview I did with a 17 year old stepchild, he said that what he has learned by living in a stepfamily is that it takes the parents AND the children to make it work! He explained how his mother didn't allow him to use the "my parents are divorced" excuse and taught him that achieving harmony wasn't about everybody breaking their necks to make sure he's happy. Happiness and harmony required HIS participation as well. And this all came from this very mature kid. Kids know better, they are capable and we have to expect that of them.
~Kela
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