Boat Rocking Effect: As in, please keep your mouth shut on X, Y or Z, because it might disrupt the peaceful harmony we have going on. This is also known as: It's nice that you have an opinion but please keep your mouth shut or don't do [that] if it's not going to promote good will among the two houses.
I completely understand the importance of household harmony. If everyone is working together for the greater good, then all should be well in familyland...right?
That sort of sentiment works well in a fairy tale. Except real people have real emotions. One member of my family may want one thing, but if I don't agree with that I either have to sit on my opinion and stew about it or voice my opinion and wait for the wrath to come.
And I hate that. I'm a vocal person by nature. I like to be able to say what I'm thinking and to either a) not worry that a pair of knickers or two won't get twisted in a knot or b) not worry that I don't have the backing of the people that love me.
I'm happy that both houses can work harmoniously; however I feel let down by the fact that no one 'has my back' should I want to disagree or raise my voice about something.
For example: Say I disagree about a field trip one of the kids wants to attend. Both parents can agree or disagree publicly about it but if I mention my agreement or disagreement, I get the behind-the-door-while-no-one-is-listening-or-watching discussion on how I should keep my opinion to myself because I'm disrupting family harmony.
Doesn't that just drive you up a wall? I can't be alone on this. Please tell me other stepmoms are boat rockers too!
So the thing is, how do we deal with this? How do we stay true to ourselves while not feeling like we want to get out of said boat and just swim away to somewhere more peaceful?
Let's get a conversation going in the comments because I'd really like to know how I can stop feeling like I'm going to tip over the SS Family Harmony every time I open my mouth.
8 comments:
I have been dealing with this for a while now. It's OK if I work and put my money towards my stepchildren, but I somehow cannot voice my opinion or have a say in anything. Why is tht?!?! I open my mouth and I deal with the irritation that I dare say anything about "his kids". Hmmm...I didn't see you or your ex-wife caring that I put money towards "your kids" wants/needs, but I can't say anything about how "your kids" don't clean up after themselves, or what time curfew should be?
*Sigh*
I would like to know how others deal with this also, because so far? I've got nothing!
I feel like this sometimes, especially when I have a good idea, and I feel like I cant say it because it might hurt someone's feelings. Its hard.
Brandi -- EXACTLY! It's sort of the 'have your cake and eat it too' syndrome.
You want me to provide blood, sweat, money and whatever else YOU need for the family but if I have tears or opinions then they need to be kept out of it.
Drives. Me. Up. The. Wall.
Brandi, I know how you feel! My husband is unemployed and while we don't pay CS to BM, we are order to pay for all of his expenses, and BM holds my Hubby to it... which really means I am the sole supporter of my SS at the moment (actually since last November, so it is getting old). And it isn't even the fact that I have to help support him (although it pisses me off that I am paying for more than his own damn mother) but it is the fact that her and Hubby want to get SS whatever stupid thing, and I am supposed to have no say! Sorry SS doesn't need a $20 locker organizer for school, or brand new shoes to wear to camp just to get dirty right away!
My husband and I have gotten into it a few times, and sure sometimes I will keep my mouth shut, depending on what the issue is and how much it really bothers me. But in general my feeling is I am not the maid, babysitter or paid help, there for if you want my support and the benefits of having me around, you need to reciprocate, because this is my life also.
I have left BM, Hubby and SS hanging at various times... you can't clean up, then I can't do your laundry. You don't want me to do something fun with SS, then I can't watch him for you.
There needs to be common courtesy and respect, and while DH and BM are "the parents" SM's are still an influence and like Erin said, you can't have your cake and eat it to!
Erin--
How timely...just this week in couples' counseling I was asked to not have so many opinions regarding the skids and to just let things be calm and peaceful.
I find there is a limit to my ability to say "not my kid, not my problem" when that kid is in my house.
Sorry I'm not more helpful this week! Hopefully another stepmom has some great suggestions. ;)
This is sooo why I am not a SM anymore! Too many years of having no say and being stuck with kids that won't listen to me.
I totally understand, step-in mom :( I'm the sole bread winner in our house at the moment and I've paid for everything from the lawyer to the the halloween costume ("mommy said it was too expensive"...kinda feel that was a little coached). But the mom thinks I should have no say whatsoever (even though her husband basically takes cares of her)and my husband's too non-confrontational when it comes to her so that usually what she says goes. Incredibly frustrating. At least I have my mom to vent to :)
I definitely used to be a "boat rocker" until hubby and I finally got on the same page. Just like some other stepmoms; it was okay for me to take care of your kid while you went on vacation, or pay for toys, camps, costumes, lessons...However, as soon as I said voiced my concerns about spring break visitation because it was no longer convenient for me to TAKE SS TO WORK WITH ME, ex-wife got upset and hubby got upset with me because he knew it was going to turn into a fight. WTH! Now I don't get an opinion on what I do with my time, WHILE I'M AT WORK?? That's when I realized that these people must be on crack and I could not hold my tongue any longer. At that point, forget "not my kid, not my problem." If my husband hadn't gotten a clue, it was close to being "not my husband, not my problem!" LOL! Fortunately, after many, many conversations and counseling, he finally began to support his wife.
Choose your battles. State your opinion when you feel it is really important to you and let the chips fall where they may. The most important thing I've learned is that it's just as toxic to hold it in because eventually, you're going to get fed up. At that point, you'll be explosive and that will definitely disrupt family harmony.
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