What I wanted to say to these women -- and to all women who are struggling with anger and frustration in their stepfamilies is: take the power back.
I have the good fortune to have gotten past my anger. Of course, it's taken me seven years, an anti-depressant, 20 Stepmoms Toolbox Radio shows and countless emails with the Stepmom Posse, but I'm past it.
And it really has made the difference in how I see things when it pertains to my role as a stepmom and my family.
I've noticed a few of angry or stressed stepmom themes:
- Husband leaves/wants me to discipline the kids
- I'm afraid the step-kid(s) will be permanently screwed up if I'm not involved
- That bitch be crazy and I am forced to deal with her
If I told you that you can stop the anger and stress by doing one thing, would you believe me?
I know I've stressed this on the blog comments I've left, but I also know that the experts on the panel said the same thing: Take the power back.
Seriously. Take. It. The. Fuck. Back.
My stepdaughter is planning her birthday party (#14 WOOT!) at present. She's got a spending limit for the party, invites, food and the remainder is her birthday present. She can choose to blow the whole thing on her party or she can go half and half, 60/40, 70/30, etc. . She has all of these great ideas, but they cost money. Her father and I keep reminding her that she's essentially giving away her birthday presents to people when she loads more "accessories" into her party.
Her plight is apropos of the point I'm trying to make. If you're stressing out over giving away your birthday money (time, effort, blood, sweat, tears, etc.) take it back! It's yours to give as you want. If you don't want to give your power away, then don't! Hold on to it for dear life if you have to.
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All three of the common issues listed above have a common thread most women are hesitant to stir up trouble with: The Partner.
"He's too busy"
"He travels a lot"
"He's given me the authority to do that"
"He prefers I do that"
"He can't take the time to deal with it"
"He's afraid of making the kid(s) upset"
"He's afraid of making her upset"
There was one word I used in every single one of those examples: He
Your partner -- He's the one that needs to figure out how to deal with the issues his ex/kids' mom is bringing to the table. THEY are the ones that brought the child(ren) into the world. If mom is absent or dead, then it really is up to Dad to deal with the issue(s).
I've seen so many stepmoms -- including myself -- get caught up in the "But, _______ needs me."
I'm sorry darlings, but no, ________ doesn't need you. We all tend to concoct this idea that as stepmoms, we're the antidote to the divorce poision. If we sacrifice our own happiness (or time, sanity, etc.) for everyone else, then we'll go to heaven after we've lived somewhat-happily ever after.
Back up the truck. Huh? Does that make any logical sense to anyone? Don't be happy now but be happy later. Why would anyone want to do that? I'm sorry. I choose to be happy now...and later.
I used to think if I helped everyone in my stepfamily out by scheduling this and that, fixing some of those, worrying about some of that, transporting Kid A here and Kid B there (let's not forget Husband 1 from the airport every other Friday and Sunday), that I'd eventually be happy because everyone would appreciate me.
Um, yeah. It felt more like they took me for granted and I grew angrier and angrier.
I was so sick of being angry it was making me physically sick. The stress was giving me anxiety attacks among other ailments. To make it so I wasn't a person everyone would eventually loathe, I took the power back.
- First things first, I stopped being a martyr. Repeat after me: no one likes a martyr. If you're doing something because you think someone (including your husband or stepkid) will be upset with you if you don't, you're martyring. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
- I started taking back my time -- from my family, from work, even the house. I work at home most days of the week. I can work until all hours if I'm not careful and that sort of midnight oil working makes for a really cranky Erin. So I stop working at 4/4:30. I shut down the email, go downstairs and start reading or doing something I like to do. Even if I only read for 15 minutes, I've at least given myself some "me" time and I'm a lot easier to deal with.
- I stopped bending over backwards for everyone. Sort of a sister to the martyrdom, I started to say no to things. My husband's travel schedule is hellish. He used to fly home on Friday nights at 11 p.m. and then leave again on Sundays at 11 a.m. Would you believe I used to put things on hold -- dinners out, baby showers, visits with my mom, sister, etc.-- to get him to and from the airport. I was incredibly resentful that I was putting what I wanted to do on hold so that I could take care of him. Then I remembered that he's an adult and quite capable of figuring out how to get himself home or to the airport. Even that small thing has made a huge difference.
- I started to realize that I was worth sticking up for. This one was probably the hardest to muster. I spent so much of my life feeling like I wasn't worth standing up for (even for myself) that I let things happen rather than argue it. The sum of all of these parts has been to realize that I'm worth taking some time for myself. I'm worth being treated with respect by my husband and his ex-wife and the kids.One of the most important parts of realizing I was worth sticking up for was also realizing that I also have the power to leave. Leaving my family would be the worst case scenario, but I'm willing to do that if it reaches a point where it feels like things can't be fixed.
I've taken the power back. How about you?
10 comments:
Powerful stuff here, Erin. I'm glad you found a plan that works for you, but I can't see this type of lifestyle working for everyone. To me, it sounds quite self-centric and unloving toward your partner and his kids. Maybe that's how you were forced to become to survive in your family. I don't know...
I understand disengagement - I've been there myself. But I never stopped caring about my family and making sacrifices for them. My husband and I are equal partners and he appreciates me and everything I do. I feel the same way about him. We both make sacrifices of time and energy for the family. That's how marriage is supposed to be, imho. We depend on each other. We work together, and we play together. We don't hold grudges because someone had to be picked up at the airport or had an orthodontist appointment.
I also think that having bags packed, ready to leave in a moment's notice is a sad way to live, and it must make your husband feel very insecure in your relationship. How would you feel if he did the same?
Technically, the bags aren't packed. I actually couldn't leave at a moment's notice. What is ready, though, is my mentality that I can handle life on my own.
What it all boils down to is that I'm in this because I want to be not because I have to be. If that makes my husband a little nervous then I'm okay with that. I think we should both be a little on edge with wondering if the other really wants to be in the marriage.
As for how would I feel -- my husband chooses to have a job in another country where he lives during the week. He chooses to live away from his wife and kids. It seems to me he's made his choice on what's most important to him. He's worked like this for 18 months and has no plans to find work that would keep him close to home. How would I feel? I feel like I need to do what's best for me.
My taking the power back is about not being a doormat to my husband and his kids. I care a lot about my husband and my stepkids. If I didn't, then I wouldn't ever pick my husband up from the airport or take the kids for special "stepmom dates" and hang out with them when Mom or Dad aren't able to be with them. I'm a great stepmom. I just don't let it rule my life.
Okay, Erin, I understand now. I honestly don't know what I'd do if my husband was out of the country every week. Thanks for explaining and hang in there =)
WOO HOO,Erin!! I love this post. I tried to be supermom in the beginning years of my marriage. I put forth so much effort only for it all to fall apart once my stepdaughter wnet back to her mom's. Then I began to realize my husband expected me to be mom of the house. Now, in one way, I am. I have 2 biokids and we had 1 together, but bottomline is I am NOT sd's mom nor will I even pretend that I am. I schedule nothing, take her to nothing, I do not communicate with her BM at all. That is all solely my husband's responsibility. You want to see her every third weekend? Fine, you go get her and take her back, you schedule holidays and vacations with BM you discuss school issues.I may give my input to DH , totally we are partners. We make decisions together. But what BM gets comes straight from DH.
Erin, this is EXCELLENT and so well said. Way to cut to the chase and I'm so glad that you continue to create balance, peace and happiness as a stepmom. More people need to read this!
Big hugs. :-)
we need to write a joint blog post!
Hmmmm....I see a joint feature article in a future StepMom issue...
and...and...a radio show with no guests...just me and you talking about how to take back your power =)
xxoo and HIGH FIVE!!
As always, great post. The balancing act is difficult in a first family and can seem almost impossible in a stepfamily (especially if you have primary custody). There are so many women that need to read this and take it to heart. Instead of wallowing in martyrdom, we need to be the powerful women that we are. That makes us better wives and mothers too.
I think Peggy's idea is great.
This is an excellent post - powerful, strong, and intelligent. I am on board!
Well done and THANK YOU!
I agree completely. Another way of taking back power, though, if you deal with a malicious ex-wife in the mix, is to realize fully that her poor choices are HER RESPONSIBILITY. Worrying what she will do next, how she will react to XY or Z, is not my duty in life. I can only control how my BF and I choose to raise the children, and we do whatever we can to help them understand (as best as a child can) that the way she acts is not their fault.
Oh my goodness! Did you spy on my life and then write something to help me? lol. This is my life too. I'm in the process of taking the power back. I even work from home and a hard time stopping. I just had my own child and this is prompted me to take the power back. I won't let this situation ruin our relationship or put him on the back burner to everyone's issues they feel more than free to lay on me to take care of. I don't have to take care of their problems. :-) Feels good too. I'm trying to teach this to my husband too. Have you heard of co-dependency? I think most step-moms suffer from this, including myself.
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