My husband was out of town for most of the year and I had a lot on my stepmom plate. If you haven't gleaned from last week's posts, I felt like hope was almost certainly lost and that Super Stepmom Syndrome was going to be the death of me.
Like a lot of stepmoms, I'm a doer and a hopeful peacekeeper. I want everyone to like me and for everyone -- my husband, my stepkids and their mom -- to feel more at ease because I've got things under control. Everyone in Erin Experimentland had a tough 2009, not just me; however, I felt it was my responsibility to make sure everyone's life was easier.
Trying to make sure four other people's lives are easier is like trying to arrange peaceful talks among Iraq, Afghanistan, North Korea and the folks in the Gaza Strip. It's practically impossible to do and you'll likely not survive intact.
I could feel the weight of trying to be everyone's peacekeeper tugging at my soul. No matter how nice and accommodating I tried to be to everyone else, there was always something keeping me from taking full care of myself.
I spent most of 2009 struggling to figure out what kind of Stepmom I was. I had essentially thrust myself into my husband's Dad role during the week and then felt depleted on the weekends he was home. I couldn't figure out if I was coming or going and it impacted everything from my marriage to my waistline.
I stayed on this roller coaster for almost a year.
About a month ago, my blog intervened on my behalf. I'll spare the details but suffice it to say, I was relieved of a lot of my during the week Stepmom duties. And I've never felt more normal in my entire Stepmom life.
I had spent so much time trying to be the second coming of Mom and Dad that I completely lost myself. It's hard to figure out who you are and what your role is when Mom and Dad are wanting and expecting you to step up and keep things running smoothly.
Some time around my birthday, I was having a discussion with some members of the Stepmom Posse about how I could untangle myself from this intricate web I felt I had woven myself into.
I asked, almost desperately: How do I step back and reclaim my Stepmom role again?
I'll never forget what honorary stepmom Jen Newcomb Marine of NoOnestheBitch.com told me: You need to subtly step back and let your stepkids' Mom and Dad be just that: Mom and Dad. They brought these children into the world and they are the one's responsible for making sure the kids are taken care of. It is not your job to be the family peacekeeper. Sure, Mom and Dad will make mistakes and forget things -- just like you are capable of doing -- but if you become a Helicopter Stepmom and don't give everyone room to fall down or screw up then you won't have done anyone any good, least of all yourself.
She, along with Izzy Rose, another stepmom friend named Jen, and my trusty, insightful mom reminded me that being "Family Peacekeeper" wasn't part of my marriage vows. I didn't enter into the state of matrimony so that I could make everyone happy with my organizing capabilities. I got married because I wanted to be my husband's partner and because I love him.
So now, I'm practicing the art of the Stepmom Stepback. I'm learning to not get involved in matters where Mom and Dad should be the ones making the decisions. If someone has a doctor's appointment or needs money for a field trip, guess who isn't making the appointment or writing the check anymore?
It's been a tough role to remove myself from. There have been instances where I felt like I should speak up or just do something or volunteer to do it so that everyone is less stressed. But then I'd just be falling right back in to the same routine.
For now, I'm learning to take better care of myself. My radio show co-host Peggy Nolan would be proud of how much self-care is going on at Casa de Erin Experimentland. I try to do yoga at least once or twice a week; I don't worry as much about the little things anymore and I feel much happier than I have in a long time.
I'm still trying to figure out where and how far I should step back. Ladies, have you had success figuring this out? Anyone trying to get started? Leave me a comment and let me know.
21 comments:
The stepmom stepback sounds like a new dance move. I agree its best for all parties if you take a back seat and just enjoy the ride. I am sure it isn't easy but its not good for you and ultimately you need to take care of yourself in the process in order to take care of others.
It is in my nature to take control, and take charge, being a stepmom is very difficult because I often find myself making comments about how I would handle the son differently from his mother. Bottom line it doesn't matter what I would do, he is not my bio-child to take care of. I am there as another adult in his life to love and support him but working out the logisitics isn't part of my job, that is why he already has two involved parents, adding a third would just make it more difficult.
I just remind myself this isn't about me, they are taking care of the son and I need to know unless it does directly affect me I do not need to throw my 2 cents in.
It's the 'letting them go without' part that gets me.. my stepmother never let my brother and I go without, just because our biological parents couldn't (or sometimes wouldn't) make things happen. I really do love my soon to be stepkids, and I can't see myself letting them miss out on the "should haves" just because their own mom can't get it together. Someday, they will understand and appreciate all that we've done for them, because we love them. I know this because that's that's how I feel about my own saint of a stepmother..
My first reaction reading this was, "Duh!"
And not to you...to myself! Why didn't I think of stepping back earlier? How much easier would this philosophy have made...the past 6 years?!
I'll never be seen as a parent...so why should I break my back (and my bank account) to fill in the blanks left by the parents? So simple...yet I couldn't see it.
Thanks!
Tiffany -- I think the level of stepping back depends on your situation with your stepkids. Mine have a mom and a dad that are good parents. My husband happened to choose a job where he travels 90% of the time and their mom works a lot so that the kids can have everything they need.
What I was doing was trying to be a third parent that was on the same level as Mom and Dad.
I wouldn't ever let my stepkids go without either. If they needed a kidney or any other body part and I matched, I wouldn't hesitate for a second. If one of my stepkids needs a confidant that isn't their Mom or Dad and they trust me, I will be that person.
My Stepdad is very saintlike to me too and in trying to step back, I've found myself asking myself: What would my Stepdad do? He let me fall on my face a few times so that I learned a lesson or two (or 100)...
Erin, the best thing I ever did was remove myself from the equation. I was so immersed in all things Junior - trying to fix him, attending nearly every counseling session with him because his mom would not, working on changing his behavior, etc. I was DO-ing all over the place. Junior's counselor gave me the best advice and it's advice I give to all stepmoms: "You didn't break him. It's not your job to fix him or change him. Your only job is to love him."
Took the weight of the world off my shoulders and I stopped a lot of DO-ing and handed back the controls to my husband, Junior's dad.
Once Junior graduates from high school, he's moving in with his mom since my husband is deploying for a year. Richard prefers that Junior stay with me, but he realizes that Junior has a mom and the last time he deployed, Junior had to live with her then as well.
I am VERY proud of your self-care - keep up the good work!
Erin,
A long time ago you asked me how I handled being a step parent. At the time I thought I just did, but now when I read what you've been writing I think I instinctively let the kid's parents be just that "the parents" I was their confidant many times and we are close still, even though they are grown men. I think this is something we all end up discovering on our own, sometimes the hard way unfortunately. I think you do a wonderful job with my grandchildren and I'm so grateful you are in their lives. They're richer for it!
Love
Mom2
Thanks Mom2 :-) I'm very lucky to have a wonderful mother in law who is also a stepmom. You're an inspiration.
Erin,
I fully understand your post and am so happy to see it!
I spent the first year fully engaged in the Super Step Mom role.
I found that I was completely overwhelmed with a lot of resentment. Once it dawned on me that these were NOT my kids and they already had two perfectly capable parents, I put myself in the back seat. I am so much happier there. I make no decisions, write no checks, no longer run them hither and yon, and attend little unless it fits into my (very busy/I have two jobs) schedule. My down time is just that - MINE!
My children are in college and in allowing DH and BM to care for their children, has opened up a whole new life for me.
Thanks for another great post!
Way to go, Erin! I am loving the new phrase, "The Stepmom Stepback." It does sound like a new dance move.
Doesn't it feel good to stepback and allow the parents to parent? It doesn't mean that you love your stepkids any less because you decide that it's okay to indulge in some self-care rituals. Even the biological parents need that, and they get that in most stepfamilies because stepmom is trying to be Super Stepmom and make sure that everyone is at peace. Your mom is right, you didn't vow to do that when you stood in front the alter and I am super proud of you for learning the art of the stepmom stepback! Can I repost this? Other stepmoms need to hear your story.
Warmly,
*Kela*
More power to you Erin for recognizing all of this and trying to stepback and let them parent. I am encouraged by your successes and others and am desperately trying to practice this myself. It's a fine art of balance though isn't it? I think, partly, that my DH married me b/c I am a caretaker/Do-er and b/c he wanted to ensure that his DD had a loving and caring stepmother but it has been hard for me to find my space in all of this. I am seeing now that he doesn't want me to be her mother (b/c she has one who does a good job of raising her) and that I don't need to be her mother. I am even learning to enjoy the moments of freedom when I can say (like I did last night) "Honey, do you want your DD to have string beans or corn for her veggie?" I didn't have to be the parent, just the person putting veggies in a dish. I let him make the unpopular decision of green beans and did not have to get involved or fight the battle. I am still finding it hard to figure out my role though and how much is too much and how much to step back and when. I don't want to turn off my caring nature but I do want to find a balance between giving enough and not sacrificing myself in all of this. It feels impossible some days and like I'm lost and scrabbling around in the dark but I guess everything eventually finds its equilibrium right? Please say right! :)
Hi! I'm not a stepmom, but could potentially become one someday. I'm currently dating a man with a four month old son that he had with his ex. I am happy to have found your blog because I am always looking for ways to deal with the situation with grace while taking care of myself. I look forward to reading what you have to say!
Nice post Erin. I've long believed, said, and written that being a highly-involved, "fixer" stepmother does not always or even usually make for a "good" or happy stepmother. There's a spectrum of engagement and while we're pressured to be "just like moms," we don't need to take that on. Glad you're feeling better!
xx wednesday
Wednesday Marti, Ph.D.
author, Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do
www.wednesdaymartin.com
I'm trying to work on this myself. I have kids of my own, so I think being a mom kind of comes naturally and it's hard to not mother my stepkids too. But they don't need me to be the boss as much as to be a support.
The hardest thing for me is to step back and watch my husband make really big mistakes. I try to "fix" it too often which only makes my husband feel like he can't do it and depend on me even more.
I'm working on empowing my husband to take control more often so that I can step out of the evil stepmom role.
OMG! Just what I needed to see! I have been a stepmom for almost ten years now and have just recently realized I will never be, have never been or even slightly will ever be the MOM.....he "hates" me as expressed by him to his friends. What a shock for me after such a long time, but also a eye opener for me. The problem I have in stepping back, though it seems really nice in theory, is the untangling of myself without causing a stink and coming across as the difficult step-monster. In reality, I don't want to do the carpool, take him to the doctor or dentist, make sure he does his homework and on and on and on.
I also think, through experience, that if you don't step back or back off, life will do it for you. Someone along the way will remind you, in no uncertain terms that you are not the mom. And that hurts. It hurts so much that it makes you back off. But when you back off, the pressure is off to be Super Stepmom! And let's face it, it is a heck of a lot of pressure to try and be all that and not be yourself. So it actually feels better to back off, and I know it is better for me in the long run. After all, I get myself back.
Bravo!!!!! I'm so glad you finally did this.
Congrats!! I recently did the "step-back" as well, but I'm still trying to recover from being super-stepmom. Trying to please everyone, all the time, definitely took it's toll on me. I'm doing everything I can to get back to my normal, smiley, happy self...I'm hoping that girl I used to be will show up any day now :). Thanks for the great post!
I could not have found your post at a better time. This morning - I was crying - my stepdaughter (8 y.o) saying she is never coming to our house again, and my underweight ritalin taking stepson won't eat breakfast. all the while my husband has a "ignore" button" on. It started because while the weather is nicer - it is still chilly in NJ and my Step daughter wanted to wear a short skirt with no leggings. BATTLE! then the issue with telling my stepson to eat or drink SOMETHING for breakfast....after I spent my day off yesterday doing thier laundry, etc. I am always buying them things and trying to make them love our house - but I just want to disappear now on the mornings they are with us. I need to do the stepmom stepback and let them be hungry and cold I guess....it all feels so wrong.
OHHH boy!!! I am soon to be marrying the love of my life who has a little boy who i do love so much..his mother not so much...she goes above and beyond to make my fiances life so difficult it breaks my heart. I express the hurt my fiance doesnt ever show when really i need to come to peace with it because if he doesnt show it why should i? I do too try to pick up the slack my fiance can not provide but really i need to stop. his ex wants no part of me and would rather his father never see his son. She must be doing something right bc he is a happy child but not when it comes to showing her son his father is a part of his life and loves him. she is full of double standards and i am not sure how to cope with them. i really just wanna tell her off but i know that is the wrong thing. I wanna get the book no ones the bitch read it and after i get married mail it to her. is that a bad idea? thanks for listening!
hi ladys im a stepmom and im happy to have the boys. my husband is always there for me when it comes to the boys 4yr and 5yrs. im only writing this is that ive been though hell with the kids mother.. i am now doing something about it, i am going to write to today tonight and tell my story. i have read every one story and cry about it, this is for stepmom and step dads. plz back me up on the story that ive been reading. what rights do we have by being a step mom??
I'm so grateful I came across your blog when I did. I have been having such a hard time with my role as a step mom lately. My husband and I have been married for a year and a half now and I feel like i've worn myself out trying to be a "Super StepMom" not just for the kids, but for their mom too. I'm a people pleaser, and I want everyones approval especially when it comes to people I care about. I was so afraid that my situation would turn into the typical "She hates me-I hate her". So I went out of my way to try and prevent that from happening (taking the kids to buy her Mother's Day gifts, accomodating her schedule even when it interupts mine, always being nice even though she doesn't always have the best of things to say about me and my own 5 month old daughter, etc) because I knew that in the end it would just make my marriage and my families life more difficult. I know that she loves her children, but she can be a very selfish person, and if she isn't happy she doesn't want anyone to be happy (inculding her children). In these moments ( that happen often) she does whatever she can to ensure that she makes our life, and our marriage misserable. When things come up with her I always swollow my pride and be the bigger person. Over time all of that hurt and anger has built up and i've started taking it out on my husband. What I feared most in the begining is happening despit my efforts. I love my husband and my daugher/step children more than anything in the world, but my situation is affecting me to the point that i'm not being a good wife or a good step mother. I've been trying to do the stepback, but its still taking a toll on my marriage because I am so bitter. How can I let go of the hard feelings that I have and just focus on being my best me, and improving my marriage?
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