In writing the article, I contacted several members of the Stepmom Posse. Each of them had different words of wisdom; however, they all agreed on one very important piece of advice: Do what makes you comfortable.
It's been my own experience, as well as countless other stepmoms whom I talk to on a daily basis, that trying to figure out what makes you comfortable can sometimes be uncomfortable.
As stepmoms, we are both fortunate and unfortunate to select the role we want to play in our stepfamily. Some stepmoms prefer the "leave the parenting to mom and dad" approach. Others join in the revelry in a sort of "Assistant Mom" role. There are countless stepmoms who have chosen to disengage all together and have very little contact with their stepchildren and their stepchildren's mother.
I think what might be difficult for a lot of us Stepmoms is that we want to try to make everyone like us while simultaneously trying to make everyone happy. Most stepmom books remind us that this is a nearly impossible task. Or, if you have accomplished it, you've exhausted yourself and are likely to start resenting everyone around you fairly soon.
If you're stuck in the uncomfortable position of trying to figure out what makes you comfortable, it might be worth some self-introspection to figure out what would ultimately make you comfortable. Do you really wish you were responsible for less of the parenting? Do you really wish you had more parental responsibilities? Would you be more comfortable if you maintained no contact whatsoever with your stepkids' mom?
Once you've figured out what will ultimately make you comfortable, you'll need to begin the adjustment process. Like anything that's really good for you, you're likely to endure some discomfort along the way. I plan to discuss that discomfort and how to get past it in an upcoming post.
5 comments:
I've been reading your blog for awhile and what I see is that you've grown. You are a wonderful woman who happens to be a stepmom too. You realize that your stepkids have both a mother and a dad and it isn't up to you to be the main parent, but you can step in and help out when necessary. Kind of what I think being a grandparent could be. Be there for the parent, live your life, have a relationship with the kids but you can step back when you need to. When the stepkids grow up they'll be thinking of you in a positive way, just the way you do your step dad.
Bravo!
Anonymous,
I don't know who you are but I think I almost teared up a little reading that comment.
Thanks
::hugs:: to you whoever you are.
Erin,
So glad the blogcation didn't last. I was hoping to see more posts like this from you; reading your blog helps me keep an even keel--and this reminder about doing what's comfortable IS making me uncomfortable. I often feel like I've disappeared (but it's for the sake of a child, less conflict, my partner, stability in the home....etc.). So...what makes me comfortable is nurturing others--but I also, I guess, need to find myself in all this. Thanks for the reminder. It's a hard question to think about. And thanks in general for blogging--I know it came at a personal cost to you, but it's been such a help to me to feel less alone.
Erin,
I really liked this post. I've been slowly disengaging myself from my stepchildren's lives because frankly, I don't like them (and they don't like me either) and my assistance with parenting them is not welcome by their father. Knowing I have no support has forced me into removing myself from the situation. Is this hard on me? You bet, but I have come to realize you can't make people want what you have to offer. I truly believe I have a lot to offer and give, but it just isn't wanted. They have a mother and a father and have made it crystal clear I am not necessary.
I am taking lessons from this post. I will step in when needed/necessary and step out just the same. With any luck, they will see me as non-intrusive.
Thank you for making me feel less lonely.
The kind of stepmom you describe here in the ideal one who knows how to take care of herself without compromising her blending family. Thank you for your post. I hope you get to write more articles.
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