What is your Word for 2010?

My stepkids' mom has a blog. Unlike my own blog, where I talk about how tough it can be to be a stepmom, her blog is filled with cool stories about the kids and the pets. She also writes about self-improvement projects she's doing.

I think it's cool that she has a blog. I've been mentioned in it a few times, but only in the sense that the kids are with Dad and Stepmom or that I'm considered a friend. Some deep, down illogical fear that I'll show up as "that nasty witch up the street" sometimes creeps in, but so far, she's had some really cool things to write about.

Her latest project, for instance, is that she's picking a word to serve as her mantra for 2010. I've heard of people doing this, yet I never have....Until this year.

In the spirit of my word, I'm going to try to conduct this word experiment  as long as I can. I don't think there are any steadfast rules you have to stick to other than to try your best to live by your word.

For 2010, I've chosen the word Improvement as my word. If I could rewind and apply a word to this year, 2009, it would be character or strength. Building on that, I've decided it's in my own best interest to improve upon myself in the coming year.

My improvement will, no doubt, unfold as the year progresses. In the spirit of my personal improvement, I've already started eating better, exercising and spending less money. These have been huge hurdles for me in 2009. It's apropos that they are the first things on my self improvement list for 2010.

And so I ask you, my fellow readers, to think about what your word could be for 2010. Would it be Strength? Persistance? Energy? Clarity? Or something entirely different? Let me know in the comments as I'd love to keep up with your progress.

Photo: Microsoft Clipart

These are a few of my favorite things....2009 Edition

Okay, so I may not be Oprah and my Favorite Things list may not have national appeal (I'm not even sure my friends or family even give two hoots about it) but I've almost made it an annual list and I'd hate to disappoint that one person who really wants to know what what makes m my heart go pitter-pat these days.

This year's list is a hodge podge of luxurious bling mixed with frugalicious finds. I hope you'll leave me a list of your favorite things so that I can find even more great stuff to try out in 2010.

The Aeropostale Striped Scoop-Neck Tee. I seem to have developed a love affair with long sleeved low cut tops this year. I have this tee as well as a pink and white one and a light gray and white one. I don't know what it is about them other than the fact that they're comfortable. They go with a lot of things and can be mixed and match with one of my other favorite things (below).


The Target Tank Top. If Tank Tops were human, this Mossimo number from Target would be my mistress. I think I've had one close to my skin nearly ever day (in every color under the sun and sometimes multiple sets of the same color). Yep, I'm hard core over these tanks. They work just as well in the board room as they do in my pole class which makes them uber sweet.

My iPhone. I bought one for myself for Mother's Day this year and I haven't regretted one single day. I love this phone. It's like having a computer in my pocket. My favorite Apps are WhiteNoise, Solitaire, Pandora, Tipulator and Shazaam.


Dove Clinical Protection Deodorant. I received this deodorant as part of a beauty pack from the lovely Victoria who works with Unilever. I hadn't really considered this deodorant a must have until I started using it. I have to tell you -- I don't think I'm ever going back to another deodorant again. The scent is light and wonderful and I don't recall ever smelling gamey or bad once since I've started using this.


My Initial Pendant Necklace from Tiffany. What my mom calls a "365" necklace because I wear it all year round, my Tiffany E was a gift to myself that I picked up in Las Vegas this summer. Very few pictures exist of me post-June 2009 where I'm not wearing my E. I've coveted a piece of "name" jewelry ever since Carrie lost her "Carrie" in Sex and the City Paris. This gift to myself just sort of screamed "Hi, Erin, you deserve me."

Other things I've fallen in love with include my "Old Man" house slippers. Don't ask me why, but I've always wanted a pair of slippers that I could wear outside and inside and that would be snuggly warm. My dark brown slippers do the trick quite nicely. I also LOVE little tubs of Vaseline (perfect for my lips which are surrounded by sensitive skin) which I have with me at all times.

A few more recent, Chrstimas, acquisitions that I'm loving right now are my Vera Bradley purse (in Imperial Toile) and my Ulta beauty box which has more makeup in it than I've ever owned in my lifetime.

Those are some of my favorite things, but now I want to know about yours. What products have you been using -- and loving -- in 2009?  

(And yes, for those really pay close attention, I have used the same title 2 years in a row....I'm nothing if not creative!)

Announcing the Stepmom's Toolbox Radio Show

Ladies and Gents -- I have some exciting news: Miss Peggy Nolan of Stepmom's Toolbox fame and I are host our very own radio show (aptly named): The Stepmom's Toolbox.

Each show will be an hour's worth of witty banter and helpful advice on how to navigate Stepmom life. In fact, for our first show, we'll be taking on the topic of: I'm a Stepmom, Now What? with special guest Jacquelyn Fletcher of Becoming A Stepmom fame.

We'll air the first Monday of each month at 8 p.m. Eastern Time (Our first radio show will take place Monday, January 4 at 8 p.m). If you can't make it -- no problem! You can download the show after we air.

Now that your panties are almost rippled into a huge excited bunch, you might want to know how to find the show, right? (Yeah, I would too). You can find out about our upcoming shows by visiting our Diva Toolbox page. I'll also include a link on the blog as well as on Stepchicks (just in case you're like me and need to keep bookmarks in three different places just to remember where something is).

Yeyeyeyeyeyeyeyeeyeyeyeyeyeyeyeyeyey!!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited I almost pee my pants everytime I think about the show. I'm a little bit nervous, too, so if you want to hear some great guffaws and me stumbling over every word, be sure to listen in (or download) the show.

AND, before I forget, if you can't make it to the show but would like to ask a question of Peggy, Jacquelyn or myself, you can e-mail me directly and I'll be sure to ask it on the air.

---

Sponsorship Opportunities

Are you a therapist, coach, attorney or someone interested in sponsoring an episode of The Stepmom's Toolbox? E-mail me for a sponsorship packet.

forever thine. forever mine. forever ours.

The ironic thing about writing a blog about the (mis)adventures of your life is that when your life is stumbling along rather drama-free, you tend to have nothing to write about.

Well....almost.


My husband took me out on a date on Friday night. An honest to goodness legitimate date.

The date wasn't based on anything celebratory (well, maybe if you count being alive and having each other's company) and was one of those whim-like excursions I imagine couples without children do more than once every six months.

The date started out very old school, which is just my style.

After I had spent an hour adding MILF-y touches to my outfit, my husband picked me up from our house and drove us to the area where we had our first date some 6 1/2  years ago. Oddly enough, I was more anxious for this date than I was for our first. Being Chicago in winter it was, of course, snowing. The snow was giving me anxiety attacks the entire 20 minute ride mostly because I'm scared to death of skidding off the road into a ditch.

Once we got to our destination, my husband held my arm so that my perfect-for-a-date-in-warmer-weather purple kitten heels wouldn't send me skidding onto the ground. He held my arm the entire way to the restaurant and then to the blues bar where we headed to next.

After a few hours listening to the not-quite-blues band we thought it would be best if we headed back home. The homebodies in us preferred to be sacked out on the couch in our PJ's while the parts of us still clinging to our youth wished for another fun thing to do.

As we crashed into our bed that night, exhausted from our evening out, I was overcome with contentment. After numerous ups and downs and conversations throughout the year, I felt like my husband and I had finally reached a place where we finally "got it" about one another.

I know lately I've done my fair share of talking about separating and divorce this year and truth be told, I had contemplated. Life is hard enough. If you're making a lot of sacrifices for a family that wouldn't even save you in an emergency situation, then (in my opinion anyway) you really should ask yourself if it's worth it.

I seemed to be asking myself that question a few times this year.

This date, however, reminded me of why I married my husband and why I want to continue to be married to him. He's a compassionate guy with a cute smile and a wonderfully strong body. He's got a great brain, quick wit and funny sense of humor.

He and I may not always see eye to eye, but when we remember to push aside the drama, we're an amazing couple. And that is how I like to think of us right now -- amazing.

For any and all that read this blog and wonder what the state of the marriage is, I can offer you this: we're happy. We're married. And we intend to stay that way for a really long time.

xoxo

Ask Erin: How Can I Get Along With My Stepkid's Mom?

Dear Erin,
I've seen you write about how you and your stepkids' mom get along pretty well. How did you do that? How do you manage to not get mad at her or to even talk to her civilly? Do you have any advice you can offer?


-- Stepmom Needing Advice

SNA --
Great question and one that I do get asked a lot. As you pointed out, I do get along with my stepkids' mom.

I'll be honest, though, it wasn't always like that. We've known each other for a little over 6 years and we've only really been true friends for the past year. How we even got to that point probably had to do with a few factors that most families don't have to deal with (illness with one of the kids and their dad/my husband leaving the state for work engagements).

My kids' mom and I became friends because we realized we were going to need to depend on each other a lot. It was much easier to depend on a friend than it was to have to ask an enemy for a favor. I think having that mentality was a huge step in the the direction our friendship has taken.

Had my husband's job not taken him far while one of the kids was sick, I like to think I would have either a) sucked it up and still tried to be friendly or b) left.

It took me until this year -- a year where I finally figured out what I was made of -- to realize that I am a caring and giving person. Knowing that about myself means that anyone that thinks otherwise (chooses to believe I'm mean, cruel or a bad parent) has the problem. It's not me that is deficient, it's them.

My mother always tells me to "be the best me I can be." I take that advice to heart and no matter how many times I may feel taken advantage of or taken for granted, I do the things I do because it's me being the best me. (Of course, as you can read in several places throughout this blog, when I'm overwhelmed or mad, I also start resenting myself for doing all of the things I do).

I've told my husband that this year was the best me you're going to get. Short of donating an organ or taking a bullet for him or the kids, I don't see me going more above or beyond what I did this year. I tell my husband this because I think it's worth noting to him that it wasn't easy to do what I did (or what he did for that matter).  Not every woman would have put aside the verbal Stepmom assualts thrown at them for 5 years in exchange for 9+ months of treatment-plan driven frustrations and arguments.

I'm not every woman and I truly believe it's important for my husband to remember that. Had he felt like I should have just surrendered myself to this year's chaos, no questions asked or answered, then I would have left.I sincerely would have packed my bags and left.

Now, as for why I went on this huge diatribe about my own life this year....

I assume you're not in a similar position, right (sick kid, traveling husband)? Regardless, the same tenets still can apply:

• Have self-respect for what it is you're doing. Unless you're a crack addict nymphomaniac who throws the kid in a closet when he/she comes over, then you're a fabulous woman who deserves to be treated with "a little dignity and a little respect" -- Violet Newstead, 9-5. If you show you have respect for yourself (as well as your time and belongings) others should follow. If they don't...
  
• Demand what you deserve. If you respect yourself enough to believe you should be treated with respect from others, then tell them so. If they (stepkids, stepkids' mom, in-laws, husband) don't treat you with that respect, then tell them that and disengage.

Now, I'm about to add some advice that will make a lot of people scream or cry foul. Take the advice, don't take the advice, it's up to you. I'm just saying, it's what I did (or contemplate) for my own situation.

• Be the bigger adult. I see a lot of people throwing barbs back at one another (anonymously of course) on the Stepfamily Letter Project. It always breaks my heart that one or both of the parties involved can't be civil to one another. It totally sucks to have someone treat you like crap and then have to deal with it without complaint, but sometimes taking the crap for a short period of time can pave the way to a better relationship down the road. Don't believe that theory? Ask every parent this side of the 1900s how they felt about their parents when they were young (treating them like crap) versus now (respectful). 
• Refuse to disengage. Even when my kids' mom or my husband wanted me to make myself sparse for whatever reason, I refused to back down completely. I'd worked too hard as a stepparent to back down that easily. Eventually my persistence paid off.
• Consider separate lives. This revelation alarms people the most (or at least it sort of did to one of the commenters last week). I've gotten to a point in my stepfamily and my marriage where I don't let my happiness depend on the people I share an address with. It sucks when there's drama in our house, but if I need to pack a bag and get away from the intensity for a weekend (or a week), then so be it. Same goes for holidays or special events. Also, remember how I said above that I've given the  most I can give this year? If my best isn't good enough, then I'm not going to waste my time trying to be harder than my best. It would be sayonara for this sweetheart. 

So, it's up to you on how you can get along better with your stepkid's mom. If you're being the best YOU you can be and it's still not good enough, your husband won't help or listen and no one seems to be on your side, then stop and ask yourself if it's all really worth it for all the drama. If it is, then you'll endure whatever life throws at you. If it's not, then get the heck out of dodge darlin*!

Do you have a question? Send your question to erin@erinexperiment.com

*I should remind you, I'm not a counselor or trained anything. I'm just a semi-wise stepmom with an opinion. Please don't leave your husband or boyfriend and then sue me for the break-up. xoxo

The Life and Times of The Erin (Stepmom + Wife) Experiment

This blog, currently on its 600th post, has officially served its purpose: It's offered me the chance to look back at the "experiment" that has been my life for the past three years. It's been an experiment in evolution. In a way, I sort of like to think of it as a Julie/Julia-like project of Stepmomsville.

Don't worry dear readers, I'm not shutting down the blog anytime soon, rather I'm contemplating how much life can change in a year.

When I read back to the posts of this time last year (or rather, what I remember posting about), I was in a deep hole of dispair. I was dealing with depression -- unmedicated -- a stepdaughter with a not-yet-diagnosed illness and the threat of a husband that would leave in the next few months for god-knew-how-long work engagements. I felt lost and lonely and completely hopeless.

My husband's protective nature for his daughter made for some unsettling conversations in our house. There is nothing like a major illness with a kid to remind you where your place is in the family food chain. I was the expendable Stepmom who got thrown under the bus to save the rest of the family.

Right before the diagnosis, I made one of the best decisions of my life: to actual start taking medication for my depression. I must say, I couldn't have made it through February and March of this year without my good friends Lexapro (an antidepressant) and Xanax.

After the diagnosis and my husband's departure to the West Coast, life was a series of ups and downs. My husband was absent a lot, but I gained a "sister" in his ex-wife. We were the ones back home working with the treatment team and the numerous trips to the treatment offices. My husband was still involved, but from on an external, almost "need to know" basis.

Throughout the recovery process, I've become better friends with my kids' mom. I sometimes consider her just as much of a partner as I do my husband. In fact, there have been times in the past 6 months when I've gotten along better with her than I have with him.

Which leads me to another revelation about my life this year. I've almost gotten divorced...several times. Some how my husband and I manage to work through our issues and remain married, but this year has been tremendously difficult for us. We've known each other for 6 1/2 years, during which time our stubborn personalities evolved from the lovey-dovey honeymoon stage to the "can I live with this unattractive personality trait of yours forever?" stage.

I am a highly emotional nurterer. I am just as prone to panic-stricken calls about not being able to find a stepkid as I am about feeling like I've been the reason that caused an illness. I hate to see people suffer.

My husband, on the otherhand, is a highly intellectual Asperger-like savant. He could create computer programs that run NASA if he wanted to, but can't figure out why I take everything so personally or why I have to distance myself from my stepkids when I'm not feeling the love.

Needless to say, when you read the articles Wednesday, Jacqueline and the ladies of the Blended Family Soap Opera write about the Dad that doesn't get it and the Stepmom that gets frustrated, that might as well be my husband and I at center of the article.

When you combine all of those ingredients: a clinically depressed Stepmom, a treatment-needing stepkid and a physically and sometimes emotionally absent husband, you risk the chance that you may get a complete and total melt down by the end of the year. Luckily, things haven't gotten to meltdown stage. Sure, we've reached a level Orange-Red Divorce alert, but I wouldn't say we've had a total system failure quite yet.

As I look toward the bottom of the Pandora's Box that has been 2009, I'm reminded that it is my strong will that has kept me not only married, but alive this year. I'm hopeful that the will stays intact for the coming years -- years where my teen-age stepdaughter is surely going to test the limits of my lungs and mind, my almost pre-teen stepson is going to test the limits of my physical and mental strength, and my husband will test the limits of my heart.

Congrats Humoirs of a Divorced Dad winners

Congratulations to Judie and Suddenly Stepmom for being the lucky (and randomly drawn) participants of the 40 Year Old Version: Humoirs of a Divorced Dad ebook. Ladies, if you could email me at erin [at] erinexperiment [dot] com, I'll shoot you over the copy of the book asap!

Congrats again and I hope to post a prize pack again this week for my almost annual Erin's Favorite Things post. 

You could win your very own copy of the 40 Year Old Version: Humoirs of a Divorced Dad

Remember last week when I mentioned I'd be giving away a free copy of the 40 Year Old Version: Humoirs of a Divorced Dad?

The time has come my ladies and gents. I'm officially opening the comment lines so that you can register for your chance to win your own copy.

And because I'm feeling extra cheerful right now, I'm not only going to give away one copy, but two, count 'em, TWO copies of the book.

How can you win this incredibly funny 'humoir'? Easy peasy: Post a comment below between now and December 13. I'm going to randomly select two commenters (using Random.org for those concerned about fairness) from what I hope will be a list of comments below.

If you want to increase your chances of winning, all you need to do is post multiple comments. A word of caution, however: I'll need to email you in order to send you the PDF of the book. In order to claim the book, you'll need to check back on the blog on December 14 to see if you've won.

Sound like a deal?

Awesome.

Happy Commenting!

P.S. If you have any questions, you can email me at erin@erinexperiment.com.

Stepmom Confessional

I have completely sucked at blogging this past week. I've been much to wrapped up in enjoying my husband's and the kids' absence that it didn't even occur to me that I hadn't written anything until this morning: the day my husband is returning home.

Don't get me wrong. I don't equate my husband being home as being the end of my sanity; however, I have enjoyed the finer points of single living. I'm almost done with the Twilight saga, I've had tacos for dinner three nights in a row and I've been watching my newly purchased DVDs -- items that could have been Christmas presents once upon a time.

Before my husband left for his week-long trip, we were at odds over the holidays. He hates them; I love them. I've always known he wasn't a big fan of shopping, but he unveiled a whammy of a confession Thanksgiving night: He hates the holidays and would rather we do with them.

I'll spare you the entire discussion only to say that there was compromise on my part; compromise that included delayed reaction decorating and probable present denial.

After the discussion, the DVDs, while on my Christmas list to my husband, now became my own present(s) to give myself. The Christmas decorations waited until after he'd left to go up....in the dining room.

I'm all about compromising for the sake of respect, but my own compromises seemed one-sided. So I "disobeyed" the last request to hold off on Christmas shopping until closer to the date. I understand the finer points of an Amex bill and a statement date, but holding off until 5 days before a major holiday wasn't my cup of tea. And so I've been Christmas shopping since the day my husband left.

A crevice in my closet houses the presents I've gathered. A few of them lay under our Christmas tree already, wrapped in our black and white snowflake paper. I'm almost ready to face the firing squad that is my husband's review of our Amex bill.

Last I checked, however, I pulled in a paycheck and did a few extra projects this month. I think I can afford to buy some Christmas presents so pooey on him if he doesn't like it...right?

As for the kids' absence -- they've been with their mom for the most part this week. And, honestly, I've loved every minute of my time alone. It probably explains why I haven't blogged -- I've been to busy enjoying my peace, quiet and "me" time.

I do love my stepkids -- more than they love me -- but I'm never sad to seem the go to their mom's house. Maybe if I/we lived a thousand miles away and I only saw them once every few months it would be different, but I see them nearly every day.

Seeing kids that aren't yours nearly every day -- knowing they don't reciprocate the same amount of love for you as you do them -- takes some inner strength. Days of culling that inner strength can be mentally exhausting which is why I love it when they're at their mom's house.

I feel like there should be a whole blog entry about that inner strength which is why I'm going to write it later this week.

As for tomorrow (Thursday): Enter to win a free copy of Humoirs of a Divorced Dad.

Holiday gift ideas for the blended family

Thanksgiving is officially over which means it's time to break out the holiday lists and start buying your upcoming Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Festivus gifts. Whether you're a wait until the day before buyer or a careful planner, trying to find an almost perfect gift for the blended family member in your life can feel like a daunting task.

I mean, what do you get the woman in your life that feels like she's the live-in maid/chauffeur/cook/mental punching bag -- and oh yeah -- your wife?

How about a subscription to Stepmom Magazine. The December issue is filled with awesome articles (and I'm not just saying that because I wrote one of the columns). This month's issue has great articles from well known Stepmom bloggers and authors such as Izzy Rose, Wednesday Martin, Peggy Nolan, Rebecca Lippet (La Belle Mere).

And ladies, I know it's difficult to find a perfect fit for the man that feels like he's got it all -- a set of wives (ex and current), emotional baggage, kids and child support payments. Why not get him his very own copy of the 40 Year Old Version -- Humoirs of a Divorced Dad to make him feel whole again. Written by Joel Schwartzberg (StepMom magazine columnist, HuffPost contributor and all around great guy), the book had my own husband laughing out loud at the similarities between his own life and Joel's.

Need further proof? I'm including a link to the table of contents and the first two chapters of the book for you to check out prior to buying.

Now, you can head out to your local book establishment and buy the book or  you can hang tight and come back next week where I'll have be giving the entire book to one lucky winner (the Erin Experiment is a bit of a "green" blog -- if I can forward entire PDFs of books in email, I'm sure as heck going to do it).

And, stepmoms, if you still feel like you need some added coaching in this crazy life called Stepmotherhood, consider coaching with Jacquelyn Fletcher.

Stepfamily expert Jacquelyn Fletcher is now available for personalized, one-on-one coaching to offer you the support, education, and inspiration you need to begin creating the stepfamily life you desire.

Work one-on-one with Jacquelyn to discover the answers that can help you with your particular needs. She’ll help you develop stepfamily strategies that can give you a road map to peace. Jacquelyn can help you if you are struggling with:

• Building a strong relationship with your partner
• Bonding with your stepchildren
• Stepparenting dilemmas
• Managing anger, jealousy, and resentment
• Dealing with the ex
• Combining his and her sets of kids in the same house
• Handling teenage and adult stepchildren
• Adding a new child to a stepfamily
• Preparing for your wedding day
  

Introductory Session: $250 (The first Get to Know You session is 1 1/2 hours in length and includes a FREE half hour.)

Jacquelyn is also offering a Holiday Special:
Purchase a coaching package in December 2009 and receive the Stepmom Survival Kit FREE! ($50 regularly) The Stepmom Survival Kit includes a signed copy of the award-winning book A Career Girl’s Guide to Becoming a Stepmom, the Meditations for Stepmoms CD with 8 guided mediations, earplugs so you can tune out the stepkids for a moment of peace, and more inspirational tools to help you keep your chin up.

Whew! So many gift ideas and so little time to get them all wrapped up.

Questions? Concerns? Need a lifeline? Shoot me an email and this little elf will be glad to help.