Set your DVRs for Jennifer and Carol Marine on Dr. Phil December 1

I'm excited to say that good friends of the Erin Experiment, Jennifer Newcomb Marine and Carol Marine, writers of the wonderful No One's the Bitch will be on Dr. Phil tomorrow (Dec. 1).

They'll be talking about relationships, specifically Mom and Stepmom relationships and will work alongside their ex/husband to help another Mom/Dad/Stepmom trio get through their struggles.

In anticipation of the show, Jennifer and Carol have been working like mad women to redesign their website (NoOnestheBitch.com). Yours truly helped them create a No One's the Bitch forum where anyone can log in and ask questions and get to know other people in similar situations.

Looking back: A Year's Worth of Things to be Thankful for

There comes a point nearly every year where I stop, look around and wonder how I managed to survive thus far.

Thanksgiving is usually the most opportune time for this self-examination and this year is no different.

Well, actually, this year has been different in a lot of ways.

Throughout my nearly 34 years on this planet, I've dealt with some serious blows to my good-natured personality. My parents divorced when I was 10; I was a miserable, chubby, socially-awkward pre-teen; I had siblings 18 years my junior whose arrival pre-empted all of my post-high school plans; I dealt with depression (and danced with manic-depression) throughout most of my 20s; in my 30s, I took on stepmotherhood, failed pregnancy, a stepchild with a long-term illness and a practically absent husband.

I like to think these events don't define me, but I'd only be kidding myself. Without them, I wouldn't be who I am today. Each of those less-than-savory life experiences served as a great reminder of a trait I'm most thankful I posses: personal strength

As I get ready to brine my turkey and soak in every last morsel of love and tenderness I can get from my family, I'm also going to remember all of the things I can think of to be thankful for this year:

• Lexapro and Xanax....The wonder drugs that kept me sane during the worst part of my year
• Facebook friends that check in on me and those that just friended me
  
• Katy Bug, Hobbs, and Puppy Cat -- my three ginger tabbies -- who always know when I need something warm and fuzzy to lay on my chest and purr
• My husband (who also knows when I need something warm and fuzzy to lay on my chest and purr) and who also tries really hard to be the best husband in the world
• My stepkids, neither of whom wrote scathing tell-alls about me or did anything to make me love them less
• My stepkids' mom, who put her guard down and let me be a co-parent with her during one of the tougher things we'll have to go through as a family
  
• The Stepmom posse, all of whom made me a better Stepmom and a better blogger
• Everyone who has left a helpful comment or words of encouragement. Believe me. You have no idea how much it helps to know I have cheerleaders throughout the world. 
• All of my Stepchicks
  
• I'm thankful I didn't suffer any major illnesses this year
• I'm thankful the worst thing that happened to my body this year was weight gain
• I'm thankful for fun travel and good food
• I'm thankful for fabulous friends and fun adventures
• I'm thankful for the big leather chair in my bedroom and the fact that I can see so much life from my desk. 
• I'm thankful for Target and Marshalls and for Victoria (who works with Marshalls)
• I'm thankful for BlogHer and social media and all of the opportunities they've open up for me. 
• And most of all, I'm thankful for my family -- my mom, my stepdad, my brother and my sister -- who were there for me in my most dire times of need. Without you guys, I'd be a lost soul. 

And now, it's your turn. What (or who) are you thankful for?

(photo: Microsoft ClipArt)

Perception and People Pleasing Paranoia

I sometimes think I'm too introspective for my own good. Where most people would have paused to think long and hard about their own parenting perceptions versus facts, I decided I need to go a step further and start to second guess my own actions.

Earlier this week, my husband and I were having a heated discussion about something relating to the kids. It's the first time in a long time over the course of 9 months that he's been home and with the kids and I during the evenings. The discussion started out as a misunderstanding but blossomed into a series of verbal spears thrown back and forth about who was doing more for the kids.

Me: "You're going to call me into question after I've been raising YOUR kids by myself for the past NINE months?"

My husband: "I"m still the Father and this is still my house too. Just because I've been gone doesn't mean I no longer here."  


We both had our valid points. I had been raising my husband's kids while he's worked out of airports and hotel rooms so we can all maintain the lifestyle we like to think we've grown accustomed to. It wasn't really a "who is going to win?" argument, but like the discussion with my mom earlier in the week, it did make me think about what I had been doing this year and why.

While I swear I remember my own mother and stepfather asking and expecting me to do something above and beyond a sisterly call of duty when I was in college; I also swear I remember my husband saying and expecting me to take care of the kids while he traveled.

But, honestly, I don't know if either of those conversations took place or if both were my memory's way of protecting my psyche from admitting I didn't want to take care of people in the first place. I wouldn't trade my experiences with all of the "kids" in my life -- my brother and sister and my stepkids -- for anything, but I also wonder if I stepped into the caregiver role because I was paranoid that if I didn't, then the "real" parents in each equation would be disappointed in me. Or worst of all, that I'd be disappointed in myself.

If you know anything about people pleasers, know that they (specifically, me) live in constant fear of disappointing or upsetting people. Whereas some people shutter at the thought of going broke, a people pleaser will almost break down at the thought upsetting or disappointing someone.

Which brings me to perception and people pleasing paranoia.

I perceived that my husband wanted and needed me to take care of the kids while he's traveled. He may not have said it point blank, but as his wife, I assumed it was implied. I also assumed the implication because he knows that's the kind of person I am.

But if I stopped and thought about it -- perhaps if I took my own advice -- I should ask him point blank:

While you travel, are you expecting me to take care of the kids similar to how you would do it or as if you were still here? 

If he answers yes, then I know he expects it and that perhaps better ground rules should be in place for the times when Dad is home versus when he's away. (as it is, there have been several "heated" discussions this week over what I'm used to doing with the kids and what Dad feels like should be okay to do)

If he answers no, then perhaps I need to pause and reflect for a spell. Why am I putting parts of my life on hold to take care of kids that I legally don't need to be taking care of? While I am a loving and helpful person, aren't I doing myself a disservice if I'm doing something that has a high likelihood of turning me into a resentful person?

While I've laid out my own experience, I encourage other women out there -- moms, stepmoms, aunties, sisters, etc. -- to examine their own perceptions and people pleasing paranoias. Are you doing the "right" thing because you're paranoid of letting someone down or that 2 months or 2 years down the road someone will have perceived you as having been an awful person?

It's something to think about...

Photo: Microsoft Clipart

The November Wickedly Awesome Blog Award Goes to: Izzy Rose of Stepmother's Milk

What do you get when you cross an incredibly charming, impressively sophisticated single gal with a man and his two kids? Izzy Rose's Stepmother's Milk, that's what.

If you don't know who Izzy is or what her site is all about, I would suggest you mozy over to her site right now and check it out. Go ahead. I'll wait. Just make sure you click back.

Izzy and her Stepmother's Milk are to Stepmom sites what Jimmy Choo and Manolo Blahnik are to designer shoes: a total must-have.

Izzy's site was one of the first sites I started reading once my own blog started turning more stepmom-centric. Her style and wit captured my interest while her invitation to attend the first ever Stepmom Shower in Austin a few years ago caught my eye. I traveled down to meet her and a friendship was born.

Izzy is a great woman both on her site and in person. If you have the means and opportunity, I highly advise that you try to meet her because you'll be in stitches by the end of the evening. That being said, it seemed quite fitting that Stepmother's Milk be feature as one of the Wickedly Awesome Blog Award winners. Her site is amazing as is the content. (You probably knew that already).That being said, I bring you the traditional Wickedly Awesome Award winner Q&A so you can learn more about Stepmother's Milk:

Describe your blog/site:
Stepmother’s Milk is my metaphor for how women nurture and care for each other in trying times. I started SMM as a way to create a support system for myself and other women who had become “instant mothers” and were similarly looking for validation and advice. I’d learned there were millions of us (recent statistics count twenty million stepmothers in the U.S.), so I knew that Stepmother’s Milk had the potential of connecting with women in a big way. I was right. A spirited dialogue between stepmoms all over the country began almost as soon as I put myself out there.

Three years later,  I’ve pulled some of the personal out of Stepmother’s Milk. I’ve told my story and now it’s more important to me to take the platform I’ve developed and redirect attention to the greater stepmom community. Stepmother’s Milk now showcases up-and-coming bloggers, experts in the field, stepmom meet-ups and the ever-popular Stepmom in the Spotlight.

Describe your stepfamily structure
I met my husband six years ago when we worked together at a TV station in San Francisco. We’ve been married for almost four years. He came with an ex-wife and two sons, who are now thirteen and seventeen.  The oldest lives with us full-time in Texas and his brother lives with his mother in  Grand Cayman.

How long have you been blogging?
I launched Stepmother’s Milk in May of 2007.

What prompted you to start a blog?
A few years ago, I was living the good single life. I had a great career, an independent “Izzy-centric” lifestyle and was perfectly happy with the fact that I was unmarried and kid-free at thirty-five. Of course, that’s when I met and fell in love with a divorced man with two sons. Suddenly, my life got a bit more complicated.

I shouldn’t have been totally surprised that once I found Mr. Wonderful he’d come with strings attached because this is just the new reality for many women postponing marriage until their thirties. For us, the dating pool changes and many of the available men are hardly single. They come with small versions of themselves and an ex-wife– what I call: the package deal.

Long story short, I married my man plus three and as a new stepmother I went looking for a support group and when I didn’t find one, on or offline, that spoke to me, I started my own.

What do you find the most challenging about being a Stepmom blogger?
It’s time-consuming! When I first launched Stepmother’s Milk, I posted 3-4 times a week. I kept that up for about a year and then I started scaling back, and not from lack of interest, but just because generating new content takes a lot of time and energy and like most bloggers, I’m trying to juggle other things, like my career, family and me-time.

What do you find the most challenging about being a Stepmom in general?
When you marry a man with kids, it’s important to really understand that you’re not just making a lifetime commitment to a man, but to family-- and one that existed long before you came along. I had to surrender my expectations of what I thought marriage was going to look like and accept and embrace a new family model. I’ve learned a valuable lesson in compromise and flexibility.

Who designed your blog and would you recommend them again?
YellowSkyMedia built my site and good friend Furious P http://www.furiousp.com/ created all the art. I highly recommend both.

What is your favorite social networking tool?
Twitter. I’ve seen a direct correlation between tweets driving traffic to SMM.

The Reality and The Perception of (Step)motherhood

Over the course of a person's life, they're bound to do and say things they'll regret. This weekend, I said something to my mom that I now regret.

My mother is my best friend in the world. She's more of a friend to me than my own husband and the girls I've known since kindergarten. She can tell you nearly every detail about me and almost predict my next behavior or movement better than I can.

For the past 5-6 months, I've been attempting to write a memoir. My mother figures prominently in my memoir; in fact, she's a major force behind some of the choices I've made in my life.

One of the things I've discovered in writing my manuscript is how I remember things happening verses how others remember. I thought I remembered my Mom and Dad's divorce one way; turns out I was wrong. I remember my high school to college experience as happening one way; my mom remembers it differently.

It was this transition that caused me to climb on to my soap box (when my mom was already feeling down by the way) and remind my mom how I'd sacrificed 16 years prior.

My mom's response now breaks my heart:

"I don't remember that," she tells me "I remember other things being more pressing at the time." She finally adds, "I'm sorry I denied you those opportunities."

Please understand, my mom is my go-to person in my times of need. The fact that I made her feel bad or having an ounce of guilt tears my heart up right now. The fact that I did it when she clearly was having a bad week makes me feel like the world's worst daughter.

The event that prompted me to climb aboard my soap box, however, reminds me of how horribly important it is to manage perceptions and communicate facts. I'd operated under one pretense for 16 years because that's what I remember. Rewind another 7 years and you've got my parent's divorce that I thought I remembered correctly. Turns out, what I remembered wasn't true at all.

Why does all of this seem important as Stepmom? Because facts versus perception don't go hand in hand very often. One person's reality can become another person's emotional albatross for years.

While most blended family experts will tell you not to alienate or pit parents against each other, as a Stepmom, unless you want a starring role in Junior's Trilogy of "Why I Loathe My Family," it might do you some good to set some records straight periodically.

For example: 

• I was not the reason your Mom and Dad got divorced.
• Being a Stepparent is hard; if I seem like I'm not doing it right, I'm sorry. 
• I don't not like you; I just don't know how to like you sometimes
• I am trying to get along with everyone

As a stepkid who is writing about experiences as stepmom, I'm blown away by how many memories I have of my life that were skewed because of what I believed was true. Do yourself and your stepkids a favor and set the record straight before you're staring down the barrel of lie 20 years later.

And Mom, if you're reading this, I'm really, really, really sorry.

Photo: Microsoft Clipart

Stepmom Product Reviews

While I know most people come to this blog for Stepmom advice, I can't help myself sometimes when I tell people about products, books, services, etc. that sweep me off my feet.

I'm a hard woman to woo, so when I find something I like, I tend to want to tell the world about it. Given I have a publishing platform and the ability to string words into sentences, I'm going my powers for good and let my blog friends know about things I've found that I feel like they might want to do too.

Consider this page your one stop shop for things I've reviewed or have gotten excited about. The more I get excited, the more I'll add so come back as often as you want.


Products

• Burt's Bee's Shiny Lip Gloss
• Aeropostale Henley
• St. Ives Whipped Silk Body Wash
• Ann Taylor Loft Petite Medallion Print Square Neck Dress
• Croft and Barrow tote
  

Stores

• Marshalls 

Books

• The Package Deal by Izzy Rose
  
• Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin
• A Career Girl's Guide to Becoming a Stepmom by Jacqueline Fletcher
  
• No One's the Bitch by Jennifer Newcomb Marine and Carol Marine
• The Stepmother by Carrie Adams
• Any Jen Lancaster books

Do you have something you'd like me to review? Send me an email

and a hush fell over the blog

It's Tuesday night and I have yet to write anything on this blog this week. At some point in the past few days, I've felt like a blogging failure. What kind of bloggess doesn't reach out and write to their peers?

A sick one, that's who.

I went to visit my husband in San Francisco last week and during the trip came down with a nasty cough and sore throat which has sucked my will to live, write and exercise. Needless to say, when it comes to my blog versus my health, my health is always going to win out.

So I leave you with one of my favorite pictures from my trip last week. My husband and I spent the day driving around the San Francisco area, the California Coast and Sonoma Valley. On our way back to the hotel, we parked and took advantage of the fabulous weather by walking across the Golden Gate bridge. It was a great walk (particularly when you factor in the fact that I was having difficulty breathing and had a horrible stomachache) and made for some amazing pictures.

I promise to write more about my trip and all things Stepmom when my health returns to normal. But for now, I just need to take a nap.

Great Resources for Stepmoms

I consider myself one of the luckiest Stepmoms on earth. I not only get along with my stepkids' mom, I also have an extremely awesome group of Stepmoms I consider my friends. I've termed them the "Stepmom Posse."

The Stepmom Posse is made up of PhD's, authors, hoping-to-be authors, yoga instructors and as well as many other women who are along side me in the quest to debunk the wicked myths about being a Stepmom.

In addition to the Posse, there are numerous other women, sites and communities available that Stepmoms can turn to for support or just to meet other moms like them. I'm listing a few on this post. I'll add more as I find them or they become available. Please email me if you see I've left something off the list.






Magazines
Stepmom Magazine
http://www.stepmommag.com/

ReMarriage Magazine
http://www.remarriagemag.com

Coaches
Coaching Steps
http://www.coachingsteps.com/info/claudettesblog.com

Communities
Stepchicks  
http://www.stepchicks.com
 
Enlightened Stepmothers Group
http://www.facebook.com/enlightenedstepmoms

Blended Family Soap Opera
http://www.blendedfamilysoapopera.com


Blogs/Sites

The Erin Experiment
http://www.erinexperiment.com

Stepmom's Toolbox
http://thestepmomstoolbox.com/

Amygdala thoughts  
http://amygdalathoughts.blogspot.com

hErDIng sQUirReLs
http://herdingsquirrels.com/

The Wifezilla Diaries
http://thewifezilladiaries.com

Stepalicious  
http://stepalicious.com/

Becoming a Stepmom  
http://www.becomingastepmom.com

Stepmother's Milk
http://www.stepmothersmilk.com

0Ihssan0's blog
http://0ihssan0.blogspot.com/

Stepmama Metamorphoses
http://stepmamastory.blogspot.com/

The Wee Hamlet
http://www.theweehamlet.blogspot.com

Stepmother Revolution
http://stepmotherrevolution.blogspot.com/

Amour Fati -- Love your Fate
http://www.amourfati.blogspot.com


Wednesday Martin, Author of Stepmonster  
http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/

A Stepmom's Playground
http://steplayground.wordpress.com/

Stepfamily Sanctuary
http://www.stepfamilysanctuary.com

Confessions of a Mad Professor
http://confessionsofamadprofessor.blogspot.com

Not So Wicked Stepmom
http://www.notsowickedmom.blogspot.com/

Stepmom in the Kitchen
http://www.stepmominthekitchen.blogspot.com

Maratre Joyeuse (Happy Stepmom)
http://maratrejoyeuse.wordpress.com/

Confused musings of a Stepmother on the edge!
http://www.labellemereuk.blogspot.com/

Wonderful World of Stepmotherhood
http://step-motherhood.blogspot.com/

Confessions of Wicked Stepmom
http://wickedsteppiesconfessions.blogspot.com/

Dad's Second Whatever
http://www.dadssecondwhatever.blogspot.com

Not So Wicked Stepmom
http://wickedstepparent.blogspot.com/

Eyes Wide Open
http://witheyeswideopen2.blogspot.com

Meggans A Mom
http://www.meggansamom.com

Suddenly Stepmom
http://suddenlystepmom.blogspot.com/

The Evil Step Mom
http://theevilsm.blogspot.com

Amburglar
http://www.amburgular.blogspot.com

Step in the Trenches
http://stepinthetrenches.blogspot.com/

Stepmomming
http://stepmomming.com/

More than you ever really wanted to know about the Erin behind the Experiment

I'm a list whore. It doesn't matter what, where or when, if I'm idle it usually means I'm usually making a list somewhere in my head, on my iPhone or on actual paper.

Because it is no where near my 34th birthday and because I'm sick in a hotel room right now, it seemed only appropriate for me to rattle off a list of 33 things about me you may, or may not, have ever wanted to know. Feel free to ask me more although I'm pretty sure by the end of this list you'll know me better than my husband, my mother and my gynocologist.

1. I am a Stepkid as well as a Stepmom. I attribute nearly all of my rockin' good Stepmom'img skills to my Mom and Stepdad. My mom showed me how to be a caring person; my Stepdad showed me how to be a great stepparent. 
2. I can be a cold-hearted bitch at the most inopportune times.
3. I'm a cynical romantic
   
4. I don't like babies. I have been pregnant once but never carried to full term.To this day, I can't stand being around any baby younger than 6 months. 
5. I have two younger siblings that are 18 years younger than I am.
   
6. I think I love my stepchildren more than they love me.
7. I've never been arrested, but I've helped my Mom avoid a speeding ticket
   
8. My favorite food is Pizza
9. My favorite restaurant is Chipotle Mexican Grill
10. My favorite cartoon is South Park
11. I loathe ignorant people and laziness
12. I have serious road rage issues
13. I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome which often leaves me running for a bathroom at the most inconvenient times.
14. I love sex. 
15. I lost my virginity when I was 23 to a guy I can barely remember and whom I met in an AOL chat room
    
16. I have my black garter "belt" in pole dancing from my local pole dancing studio.
    
17. I'm not in pole dance "performer" shape, but I still love to grind the pole and do as many tricks as I can.
18. I have a great rack which I love to show off
    
19. Tequila will make me do just about anything
20. When I get drunk, I get flirty which pisses my husband off to no end. 
21. When I'm arguing with my husband or stepkids, I pack a suitcase so that I can leave at a moment's notice if I need or want to.
22. I like being alone yet I hate being lonely
23. I fill my emotional voids by eating
24. I love Oreos and leftover lasagna (but not together)
25. My favorite movie is the Wizard of Oz
26. I used to equate a happy marriage with long naps together on cold days; now I consider marriage happy if the couple is managing to speak to one another civilly
    
27. I'm writing a memoir about love, marriage and stepfamilyhood
28. I'm not religious and I don't believe in God; I do believe in Buddha
    
29. My husband and I have an unusual marriage. He doesn't believe in unconditional love or that the woman is always right. Similarly, I don't believe he's my soul mate or that we'll spend our golden years together hand in hand. (More like locked in debates about finances or politics)
30. I sometimes hate my husband's travel schedule, but I realize it gives me plenty of time to be alone and do things I like to do around the house which I like more than having him home.
    
31. I consider myself a single stepmom
32. I believe there's a special place in heaven for people like me
33. I hate quitting, admitting I'm wrong and giving up just because it's easy
    

Graphic: Bruno Maia, IconTexto, http://www.icontexto.com

Commenting on The Erin Experiment Blog

It's been almost two weeks since I received my first negative blog comment. In those two weeks, I've had some time to look inward and contemplate why I felt so angry by the poster's opinion. Other than the fact that I'd already had a few blows to my Stepmom psyche that week, I also determined that I take most anti-Stepmom sentiments personally.

I've always been a "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade" person so the negative comment prompted me to establish a commenting policy for my blog. Being a personal blog, it's in the best interest of my sanity to have a policy.

The Erin Experiment Blog Commenting Policy*

• All comments are moderated. 
• Comments will not be censored for opinion; however, any comments containing the following will be removed from the site:  are solicitations and/or advertising for spam sites; are posted with specific malicious intention to provoke other commenters; contain racist, sexist or homophobic slurs.
• Any commenters that are considered abusive, off-topic or libelous are subject to having their IP address banned from the site. 
• Links to other websites are encouraged; however, any links that appear to contain pornographic materials or are spam will not be allowed. 
• Any commenters that feel a previous comment is inflammatory or abusive should e-mail me at erin [at] erinexperiment [dot] com
• Likewise, if anyone has a comment they'd like to express but don't wish to publish it in the public forum of the comments section can e-mail me at the same address.
  

Adapted from the Huffington Post

Icon by http://dryicons.com

Religion and Stepkids: Heaven or Hell?

The other day, while driving home from a doctor's appointment, my stepkids and I got into a conversation about Heaven and Hell.

My stepkids are Catholic. They go to religious education classes with their mom, cousins, and other grandkids, etc.

My husband is an atheist. He believes in the flying spaghetti monster (FSM) while I am spiritual but not religious. I believe there's something bigger than me but I can't say it's a thing called God. I've been to vacation bible school and just about every kind of religious worshiping place there is during my 33 years on earth. I'd like to think I know enough to be helpful but not dangerous.

I can't remember how the conversation started, but I do remember my stepson, who is 8, saying he was going to where the devil is because he hasn't always been a 100% perfectly behaved boy.

My response to him was tender but spiritually honest: "Personally, I believe Heaven and Hell are places  we create as living beings and when we die, the kinds of lives we've lived will be the kind of Heaven or Hell we live in after we die."

It wasn't scientific, but I was driving in the pouring rain and their Dad wasn't around.

Now I see by the kids' mom's Facebook posts that my stepson has been asking more questions about Heaven and Hell. In fact, when I mentioned something about Hell on Halloween, he seemed scared and told me he didn't want to talk about it.

So now I'm scared. I personally don't think I'm going to Stepmom Hell, but did I mess up by imparting my own opinion on my Catholic Stepkids? I know my husband would want me to encourage them to think critically which is why I told them about my own belief. My stepdaughter seemed to appreciate my individual approach to the afterlife, but my stepson was -- and still seems -- scared.

I've never grown up particularly religious. When my mom and Father divorced, I swore my Mom and I visited every kind of house of worship there was before settling on spirituality. I've never understood or agreed with the notion that I needed to be at a certain place at a certain time to communicate with a deity. That's just not how I roll.

There are so many other times I cross the Stepmom/Bio-Parent line because of our living situation that I can't tell if I am now going to Hell or not because of what I told my stepson.

Any descenters or agreeers? Am I going to hell in a hand basket now?

Ask Erin: How much is too much when it comes to chores with my stepkids?

Dear Erin,
I would like to sit down with my husband this weekend and work on a chore sheet for my stepkids. I'm getting tired of being the "maid" of the house and not having any help. How many chores is too many for an 8 year old? 
Signed,
Tired Stepmom

Dear Tired,
I ask myself this question nearly every day. The kids are with me from the time they get home from school (and when I pick up the youngest) until their mom gets them around 7 p.m. As part of the House Rules, homework is to be accomplished first; then chores second; then if the kids have time to watch t.v. or play on the computer they're free to do so.

Getting the kids to do their chores has taken some work. But then again, I know it took a lot of work for my own stepdad to get me to do my chores. Even at 14, I hated that I had to do them so I guess I have to remember that won't change, especially for my 13 and 8 year old.

A lot of people will tell you that for every chore chart you have, you should also have a rewards chart. In some ways, I agree with this. I think it's important for kids to not feel like slaves, but I also feel like kids -- step or not -- should remember everyone has responsibilities in the house, not just them. If we all needed a rewards chart based on what we did around the house, then Stepmoms would probably always be in spas while Dads spent their days in their man caves.

Here are a few ideas on how to get kids to do chores around the house:

• Make a list of chores that need to be done around the house. From cleaning the windows to sweeping the floors to putting away laundry, make it a long enough list so that you, your stepkids and your spouse can divvy things up. 
• Divvy up the chores, letting your stepkid(s) choose what chores they want to do but make sure everyone gets equal numbers of chores. If they get a choice, it will seem less like the wicked witch told them they had to work for their supper. 
• Write the chores down and post them in a public space. We have several copies of our chore chart around the house -- in the kitchen, upstairs near the bedrooms, in the laundry room.
• If you and the kids' mom get along, you can always work on a chore chart together. The chore chart we have in our house was actually based off of what the kids' mom has them doing at her house. We kept things consistent across both houses. 
• If you and the kids' mom don't get along, make sure your husband knows the chores are a major issue  and this is a boundary you're setting for your own sanity. If he shrugs or says he can't change anyone, then reconsider the marriage (I'm just sayin')
• Use allowance. Some people disagree with this measure, but I've always found the power of money will woo people into doing just about anything. 
  
• When in doubt, start small and let the kid(s) see you doing chores too. Ask polietely  if they'll help you with something (like taking the trash out while you're making dinner). Make sure you say thank you and let them know that was helpful to you. I remember when I was a young stepkid, what I hated was feeling like the family slave. What made me want to do more chores was a) allowance and b) when I felt like I was appreciated. 

Any other suggestions for our dear reader? Feel free to comment below.
Also, if you have a question you'd like to have asked, you can email me at erin [at] erinexperiment [dot] com

Dr. Phil show looking for Questions about Stepmom/Mom Conflict

Ladies,
Are you a little bummed you couldn't make it onto the Dr. Phil show? Well, don't despair. The show is now taking questions from the audience.

According to Jennifer, the show would now like to instead focus on taking questions from both moms and stepmoms in the audience. If you live in or around Los Angeles, head on over to the Dr. Phil website and sign up to be in the audience.

The producers are also looking for questions to be submitted by video, so you can ask from anywhere!

If anyone is interested in attending the show and asking a question or submitting a video, they can either contact the show (http://www.drphil.com/plugger/respond/?plugID=9164) with the subject "STEPMOM/MOM CONFLICT - 11/3/09" in the subject line.

You can also send Jennifer an e-mail at marine2marine@gmail.com and she will pass it along to the producer.

If you make it on the show, let us know so we can watch!