Are you still a stepmom if you aren't legally a stepmom?

A stepmom blogger that I've read since before I was a stepmom blogger recently announced on her blog that she and her husband were getting a divorce.

I was stunned. She hadn't posted in a while and I liked to check her blog for updates just to see if she was still alive so the update post was a bit of a shock. I had no idea what caused the divorce. I still don't know and frankly it's not my business to know.

On her blog, she mentions that despite the divorce, she still plans to stay in her stepdaughter's life.

Their divorce brings up a concern that sometimes simmers in the back of my own mind: if something happens that causes the marriage to no longer exist, can you still consider yourself a stepmom?

I know there are probably a dozen legal maneuvers and/or real life stories of families who stayed on the same family track despite a divorce, death or some other family abnormality but in most people's lives, this isn't the case.

If Dad and Stepmom get a divorce, Stepmom usually doesn't stay in the picture for much longer.

In my own stepmom life, I love my stepkids just as much as I love my husband. Unless I wanted to put my body or my bank account through hell, I won't have any other kids. They are it for me.

If anything happened to my husband and I's marriage I'd be just as heartbroken about losing them as I would about my own failure to sustain a marriage. Nevermind the fact that I probably find being a stepmom the most validating experience of my life. That my kids (okay, my stepdaughter) run back to the front door to give me a kiss and an I love you nearly every day when their mom picks them up is as good as money in the bank to me.

But still, I can't help but wonder if my marriage took a road down a negative path, what would happen to my stepkids and I. Would I still be able to be called Stepmom? Would I still be able to be a part of their lives? Would I be able to call myself a social media blogging stepmom?

It's one of those things I hope I never have to find out but worry sometimes that if I don't worry about it, then it will happen and where would I be then?

Erin Answers Your Questions

I'mmmmm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccckkkkkkkkkk.

My lovelies, it was difficult to take a real blogcation. I was near a computer every day and thought of funny or introspective things to write constantly which made it hard to take a real blogcation. No bother. I'm back and in more rested form.

I realize I'm sort of mum about some of the details of my life. Some of that is on purpose while others are because I never know who reads me and friends me on Facebook; who reads me and follows me on Twitter or who reads me and knows the phone or in-person me. I'm authentic through and through but depending on when and where you hear from me, I tend to relay more details about my life.

So, I thought I'd use this re-introductory post to answer any questions of squash and rumors before they fester into facts.

If there is anything I don't cover here, please leave me a question in the comments and I'll answer in an upcoming post.

Q. What is your living situation? What's this about your husband not living with you?

A. It's true, my husband has been living abroad (or a-coastal) since late February of this year. He "relocated" (I can't think of a better word) for work because technical jobs that he specializes in are in higher abundance on the West Coast. He typically comes home around midnight on Friday's (guess who is picking him up at the airport?) and then flies back to the place from wince he came on Sunday late morning. He spends about 36 hours in my company; about 12-24 hours with the kids as often as he can.

I couldn't stand the thought of his travel getting in the way of my not seeing my stepkids so I keep up the status quo at "Dad's" house: I pick the youngest up from after school camp nearly every day and the oldest hangs out after school at our/Dad's house until 6-7 when their mom picks them up. Thursday nights they're with me all night and on weekends when their mom needs to do something or be somewhere for work.

Q. Are you nuts for doing all of that while you're husband is away?

A. I choose to believe this is a temporary thing will only build my character and perhaps some day make me look back and wonder how (or why) in the hell I ever did this. I also have to look at it this way: My husband is earning a paycheck and isn't home stressing about doctor bills or other things out of our control.

Q. Doctor bills?

A. Earlier this year one my stepkids was diagnosed with an illness that has required long-term treatment. I don't get into the details on FB or on my blog any more than that for the sake of the person with the illness or out of respect for my family. Unfortunately, the diagnosis coincided with my husband's leave to the West Coast which has put some additional stresses on the family mostly because we're not all in the same place at the same time to have big important treatment conversations.

Q. I take it you get along with your stepkids' mom?

A. She and I get along really well. Her family even likes me which I consider a major bonus. I'm extremely lucky in that regard. It's interesting how a family crisis can bring you together or tear you apart. She and I have become very close since my husband relocated. She would be the first to tell you that she considers me the best thing to have come out of she and my husband's divorce.

Q. Have you always gotten along?

A. We've never hated each other, but we haven't always been as close as we are now. There have been moments where I've wanted to scream her name in vain while I threw things (and likewise she about me I'm sure). We've had our rough patches and I'm sure we will have some as we (and the kids) get older. She and my husband have been responsible for some real zingers that have broken my heart in the last 6 years, but I've overcome it and moved on (with a stronger sense of self).

Q. Do you ever plan to have your own children?

A. I did plan on it, once. I actually got pregnant, but then I miscarried and couldn't get pregnant again. I was really frustrated that my body wasn't cooperating so I put my creative mind to work and started a little thing called Stepchicks. I dilly-dallied in social media and somehow birthed a few websites that have become these bigger than I ever expected entities that I couldn't be happier about.

Q. What else is there to know about you?

A. I'm a stepchild myself. I have a stepfather and a stepmom and my Mom and Dad are still alive. My Stepdad has been a major stepparent mentor to me. We had times where we didn't get along, but he never let on how hard it was to love a kid that wasn't your flesh and blood. Since becoming a stepparent, I find myself hugging my Stepdad more and telling him how much I love him.

I also have a half brother and a half sister who are almost 16. (That's an 18 year age difference for those wondering at home). They are tremendously gifted both with brains and talent. I give my mom a lot of credit for that. Somehow, with 2 different fathers, all of her kids have managed to become these fascinating creatures that don't let a lot of things get in their way.

Q. Are you for real?

A. I 100% am. I realize I sometimes sound like a freak of nature. I get along with my stepkids' mom, I fill in for my travelling husband and I love my siblings and stepparents. Believe me when I say I have demons coming out of my ass (ewwwwwww....bad, but funny, word choice). I am on an anti-depressant which I fear isn't working, I can no longer afford to see a therapist, I've gained a lot of weight since my husband left, I am prone to bouts of enormous self-pity and am quick to become mentally exhausted. Some people call that dealing with stress, I call them my own personal character flaws.

And so there you have it.....a few Q&A's to get the old juices reflowing again. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to do something about those demons and my ass.

Diary of a nervous breakdown

I'm exhausted, depressed and lonely.

I just found out my husband had to schedule a third trip to China which keeps him away from home for the last half of October. Upon his return I still have no idea -- nor does he -- if he's back out West, at home or off to live some place else.

Work is proving to be a challenge mostly because I'm not getting a lot of support where I need it from some of my teammates (instead of cheering on my digital efforts, I get a "nah, bad idea).

My house is sort of messy and I'm discovering -- thanks to progress reports -- that one of the kids is nearly failing half of their classes.

All of this negativity and sad loneliness is dragging me deeper into what I suspect might evolve into my very first nervous breakdown.

I'm not entirely sure what a nervous breakdown feels like. According to my good friend wikipedia, a nervous or mental breakdown is when you "snap." I'm not sure I'm ready to snap. More like curl into a big ball on my bed and not get up for a month.

This scares me a little because we're still in the fairly new into Fall and we haven't even gotten close to Winter weather and I'm already more depressed than usual. I'm sure I'm not quite at breakdown level. More like burnt out with a side order of depression.

I'd give anything for a two week sojourn to my mother in law's beach house in Washington state where there is no t.v. but fresh fish for miles. Ahhh, if only.

Why am I writing this seemingly out of the blue post? Because I think I'm going to take a blogcation for the rest of the week and I don't want anyone to wonder what happened to that Erin chick who writes that experiment blog.

Until next week....

p.s., should I actually have a nervous breakdown, I'll be sure to send a postcard :-)

Portrait of a Stepchicks Stepmom

Not sure how many people know that I'm the girl behind Stepchicks. Yep, it's true. I conceived the little 'chick a little over a year ago because I wanted a home to call my own where I could chat with my fellow stepmoms (that I wouldn't have to pay a fee to be a part of).

One year and nearly 500 members later, I'm in awe of the progress the site has made. If I don't do anything else in life, I will be satisfied knowing I helped my fellow stepmoms find a place where they can vent and find stepmom friends.

About 6 weeks ago, I wanted to find out a little more about my fellow Stepchicks. I know a few of my Stepchicks friends in person or on the phone, but I was hungry to know more. How old are? Are you a new stepmom or a veteran? What and why do you look to Stepchicks for advice?

The following are the results of the survey. Obviously, I can't list every minute detail, but I can provide some top level results that offer some indication of the types of ladies you'll find on Stepchicks.





























Frequently Visited Sites/Resources:
StepMom Magazine
The Enlightened Stepmothers' Group
Childless Stepmoms
Steptalk.org
Stepmothers Milk
No One's the Bitch
Becomingastepmom.com
Smoms.org
StepDivas
Childless Stepmums Forum

If you are a subscriber of Stepmom Magazine, you can find additional results posted in an upcoming issue.

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Methodology
The Stepmom/Stepchicks Survey was conducted via emailed survey in August-September 2009. Sixty women responded to the survey.

Would you like to help save some Ta-Ta's?

Ladies,
I could use your help. I know dozens of people that have been affected by Breast Cancer and I want to do something about it.

I'm going to work what my mama gave me and join my fellow pole dance studio friends in a dance-a-thon on October 10. If you think you might interested in making a small donation, please let me know by filling out the form connected to this link.

The results are not open to the public (only me) and please, do not feel guilted into donating. Donate, don't donate, I'm just happy you read my blog :-) I figured what was the point in having a blog if I can't use for good and evil. *snicker*

Thanks Ladies. I love ya!

A Day in the Life of a Single Stepmother

I sometimes refer to myself as a single stepmom. While legally, one cannot be both single and stepmother; if you are a stepmom and your husband isn't home, but you still raise the kids, that qualifies you for single stepmom status in my book.

Our blended family runs a little bit like a corporation. We've got Bio-Mom, our CEO. She sort of spearheads the entire organization. My husband is the CFO, (also known as the Vice President of No). He tends to the financials and makes sure we're all on track and don't all go careening out of control financially. I am the COO who makes sure the day-to-day operations are running on course. The kids are the Executive Vice Presidents of Fashion and Legos, respectively.

Beginning in February of this year our CFO began working out of a different office -- mostly West Coast and Asia -- which left the CEO and me back at the home office. We could have chosen to each go independent and only see each other on the weekends when my husband is home, but I didn't think that was fair to the kids or to me.

Whether you're 3, 13 or 33, when you've gotten used to a status quo, it rumbles the brain a little bit if you up and change it. And so, with his move out west, I sort of slide into my husband's co-parenting role and resumed a lot of his duties. I pick up, drop off, pay off, etc. just as though I was my husband. Is it legal? I have no idea.

So what does a single stepmom's life look like? Here's a sampling of mine (on a day the kids are with me in the morning):
5:30 a.m. --Stepmom wakes up; showers
6:10 a.m. -- Stepmom wakes up stepdaughter
6:30 a.m. -- Stepmom wakes up stepdaughter
6:45 a.m. -- Stepmom fixes breakfast, ensures lunches are packed in backpacks
7:05 a.m. -- Stepmom and Stepson head to school
8 a.m. -- Stepmom gets to work
8:30-3 p.m. -- Stepmom has email conversations with biomom about things relating to the kids, school, weekend arrangements, etc.
4 p.m. -- Stepmom leaves work
5:30 p.m. -- Stepmom picks stepson up from after school care
5:45 p.m. -- Stepmom fixes kids a well rounded dinner while also helping with homework
7 p.m. -- BioMom picks up kids
7:05 p.m.: Stepmom starts to pick up and clean the house
9 p.m.: Stepmom sits down at her computer to work, talk to husband on Google Chat
11 p.m.: Stepmom drifts into sleep

So there you have it. A day in the life of my single stepmotherhood. Not a lot of outside help save for the kids' mom and the kids seem really well adjusted so I like to think it's working.

Now when my husband is home longer term....well, that's a different story.

How much is too much?

I am a natural born people pleaser. Ask anyone and they'll tell you I can't even pass a friend in need without putting my own life on a shelf while I help. I think I may have been born deficient of the gene that tells my brain to tell people "No, I can't" or "I don't care if you get upset that I'm not helping."

To offset my people pleasing, I do try my darnedest to take care of my own needs. I no longer am the kid wrangler every night of the week and I take at least one night and declare it free from all projects (save for an organizing binge or a trip to Target). I refuse to let anyone stand in the way of my Wednesday night Karate class or my Saturday afternoon Pole class. Those are my times, damn it, and no one's gonna take them away from me.

I realize I'm one of the extremely lucky stepmoms in the universe that gets along with her kids' mom. I consider her a friend and sometimes find I have more in common with her than I do my own husband (we've both been married to the same guy, both know his traits, etc.) If my husband is my foxhole partner, then she's my artillery manager.

Because we all get along so well, my stepmom worries have more to do with figuring out how much is too much when it comes to me, my involvement, my parenting, etc.

It's midweek at this point and already I've had a tough week. I'm physically exhausted, emotionally beat, burned out, and I feel like I'm going to come down with a wicked cold. Within the next 12 hours I will have gone to sleep, woken up, gotten dressed, dropped my husband off at the airport, finished a conference call and sipped 2 cups of coffee already. That doesn't even factor in the growing list of work-to do's I have sitting at the office.

I've heard my doctors say it enough times that I need to eliminate stresses from my life, but that's about as likely as eliminating my tax bill. I am a full-time working single stepmom with a 2 kids, 3 cats, a commuting husband and a house to maintain. Those things don't even factor in the stepmom stuff and the social media projects I get excited to do. I've considered cutting out the absolute non-emergencies, but frankly, if I cut out what I think is a stressor now, it only comes back to bite me in the ass later on. (Case in point: If I stop writing my by book then I'll only feel like a big fat failure which will make me feel more stressed out).

All of this leads me to my original question: How much is too much? If you're a people pleaser, what is your threshold for stopping and saying no and what are the first things to go when you need to de-stress?

I'd love to see your comments ladies as I find inspiration from y'all!

The Not Quite Annual State of The Erin Address

Good afternoon my fellow blog readers.

Today, the time has come for me to update you on the State of the Erin.

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One Score and 13 years ago, our Erin was founded on the principle of life is short, eat dessert first and make your mama and your daddy proud.

Our Erin has had a tough year but she has persevered.

Oh yes she has.

Our Erin has undergone some physical and mental transformations in the past year that I will now layout for you right now.

Healthcare: As you all know, this is a topic of great debate not only in Erin Experimentland but also in the world as a whole. Our Erin has been lucky for the most part. Her boobies are healthy (albeit a little saggier than she'd like), her vajayjay spotless, and her skin clear. Our Erin has dealt with some personal issues that have resulted in a Lexapro depression medication bailout as well as some difficult gains around the waistline. The Judicial Branch of our Erin is certain we will overcome these hardships and will move past them into greater things ahead in 2010.

Foreign Policy: Our Erin has had little need for foreign policy in 2009 save for a near miss when her husband contracted H1N1 during a September trip to China. Our Erin is planning a trip to Europe next year with her husband, stepkids and kids' mom. Foreign and domestic relations will be put to the test, but will inevitably stand strong.

Domestic Policy: Our Erin's domestic policy agenda includes taxes on children who don't pick up after themselves as well as a potential tax on husbands who aren't home for more than 3 days. Our Erin has had positive gains in the domestic agenda and is continue to work in tandem with other biological allies for peaceful resolution.

Education: Our Erin has had a banner year with education. She is pursuing degrees in performing and martial arts and continues to teach herself more social media best practices. She is currently teaching herself how to find a publishing agent so that she may publish a book in 2010.

Ethics Reform: Our Erin is gravely concerned with Ethics in America. Our Erin believes she has fairly good ethics and would like to propose a ban on all unethical treatment of animals, stepmoms and well behaved children.

Guns: Our Erin is not a big fan of Guns. Moving on.

Abortion: Our Erin is pro-choice. Moving on.

War: What is it good for? Absolutely nothing.

Thank you my fellow Erin Experimentians. It has been a pleasure serving you in 2009 and I encourage you to contact your local Erin Experiment-gesswoman should you have any questions, complaints or concerns.

Thank you and goodbye

Dear Oprah

Caught you on the Eric and Kathy Show a couple of mornings ago. You're a hoot and I love you. I'm a fan of Tequila. Do you mind if I drop by Harpo for a shot of cold Patron too?

If not, that's okay.

Oprah, I'd love to suggest a show topic: The Real Lives of Step Families.

Did you know that the U.S. Census projects 2010 to be the year that Step Families become the majority over Nuclear families? It's true.

Oprah, I know you're not a stepmom but I have to tell you: it's a tough job. Being a stepmom is a lot like being extremely overweight -- you're publicly made fun of (even on t.v. and the movies), made the butt of jokes and are left to feel a social pariah without many people to turn to.

Think about this for a second: How many movies do you know of that have a non-wicked stepmother in them or a stepfather that isn't trying to do the family harm? Yeah, there's not a lot.

Because of this, my fellow stepmom blogging posse and I have banded together. We've formed communities (like Stepchicks, an online community I created last year with close to 500 members across the world); we have forums, like Izzy Rose's Stepmother's Milk; we produce podcasts, like Jacqueline Fletcher's BecomingAStepmom.com and, like Wednesday Martin, have written amazing books about stepmotherhood or like Brenda Ockun, publish fabulous Web magazines like StepMom magazine. Most of us even work together on projects that help step families vocalize their feelings. Such is the case with The Stepfamily Letter Project, a site that Jacqueline Fletcher and I created this past April. You'd be amazed at all of the feelings out there.

Stepmoms tend to be a vocal sort even if we're scared we'll be found out by our kids' biological mothers. We have a lot to say about life in the Step Lane and we'd love the chance to let other Step families know they're not alone.

Oprah, you're in just about every American living room from here to Timbuktu and my fellow Stepmoms and I think that you'd get a lot of viewers on a show about Step families. Most of my fellow stepmoms are ready, willing and waiting to serve as experts on a panel if you want. In fact, if you'd like to tape a family in action, I'll volunteer mine. We're practically in your backyard (well, Southwest suburbs) and believe me, my step family story is darn near inspirational.

Even though every story is as different as the family behind it, we -- the step families of America -- think it might be worth a shot to give us a chance and let us tell our stories so other people like us know they're not alone.

Thanks Oprah.

Your fan,
Erin

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Dearest Stepmom Posse members (if you're reading this, that's you). If you'd like to help get Stepmoms on the Oprah show, click on this link to the tell a producer suggestion page or click on the button to the right and wait and see.

Noteworthy

I'm going to take a minute from our regularly scheduled Stepmom programming to give myself snaps for two noteworthy accomplishments I've finished in the past two weeks.

Drumroll please...........rrrrrrrrr.r.r..r.r.r.r.r.r.

• Yours truly is a black "garter" in pole dancing (the highest color one can go at Tease Dance and Fitness, my local pole studio). Yes dears, I started poling two years ago after my miscarriage and now I'm a bonafide pole dancing hottie. I officially "graduated" and performed a recital in front of my husband, my classmates and their friends and families (fully clothed!!!! get your mind out the gutter!).
• I was also promoted from a white belt to a yellow belt last week after performing a series of upper body blocks and punches, kicks and self defense scenarios. The kids were present during my promotion and I felt kind of proud of myself. Next session, both of my stepkids will be joining Karate with me so we're thinking of changing our names to the Three Ninjas in honor of our bad ass selves.
  

Like I said, not exactly Stepmom News but noteworthy in my world nonetheless.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

Whose House Is it Anyway?

Raise your hand if this situation happens at your house: your stepkids enjoy spending time at your/Dad's house even though Dad isn't home.

Such is the case at our house.

I like to think I'm not complaining that my stepkids like hanging out here. In fact, I think it's a major score for me and my Stepmomming ability that I haven't chased the kids -- or their mom -- away screaming that they never want to come back.

In our situation though, my husband isn't really here most of the time so "Dad" nights have become "Stepmom" nights. I keep the kids for the night, we hang, make lunches and dinners, watch t.v., cuddle, etc. It's like normal Dad nights except, well, no Dad.

But Mom Nights and weekends where Dad isn't home are starting to be met with some resistance by the kids. In a perfect stepfamily world, the kids would be content no matter which house they were at; however, in our world, most of the kids' friends are in our (Dad and Stepmom's) neighborhood which means they'd sometimes rather have Stepmom Nights than Mom nights.

Case in point: When my oldest asked if this Labor Day weekend was a Dad weekend, my response that No, he wasn't going to be home and that it was a Mom weekend until Thursday was met with: "Darn. I wanted to hang out with _______ this weekend."

So now I start to feel bad. Here I am, looking forward to nearly a week alone in my house (a much needed week so that I can work on my book) and I all of a sudden feel bad that I haven't volunteered to host the kids for a day so they can hang with their friends.

Isn't this house just as much their house as it is mine? Obviously, they don't pay the mortgage, but by default, Dad's house = their house, right?

I feel like I'm at an emotional crossroads. I look forward to my time alone when I need to get something big accomplished and having the kids over gets in the way of that. On the other hand, if my own Stepdad would have told me that he didn't want me in the house for a weekend, I would have been devastated.

Ladies, what's your opinion on this? Does Dad's House become an open house while he's away or is it Stepmom's (or Dad's wife's) house unless Dad is here.

Help!

Keeping up with the Fashionista Stepdaughter

Both of my stepkids are extremely cool (and I'm not just saying that because we're related). My stepson is a huge fan of LEGO's, Star Wars and Video Games and can out wit most grown ups with his conversation skills. He's a lovey dovey cutie patootie that will likely break a million girl's hearts as he gets older.

My stepdaughter is one of those beautiful on the inside and out girls whose claim to fame is going to be her fashion sense. She can make a ballerina tu-tu and gladiator sandals look stunning while the rest of us struggle to match our t-shirts with our dark wash denim. I wish I had a tenth of her fashion sense.

I'm proud of the fact that I'm a cool stepmom, but trying to parent a fashionista can be trying. I often feel frumpy and stodgy and that my quasi-conservative preppy style is just to passe for words when I'm around her and her friends.

What's a stepmom to do? Turn to Marshall's, that's what.

I met one of the lovely ladies representing Marshall's at BlogHer this summer and when she emailed me to see if I'd be interested in doing a mini-spree* and then writing about it, I thought what better way to find some great fashionista-approved clothes or accessories to look like the hip stepmom I aspire to be.

As I entered my suburban Chicago Marshall's this past Sunday, I was instantly hit with "I want to buy it all" syndrome. Majorly discounted Kathy Van Zeeland purses greeted me near the front door as if to say "Welcome daaahling, so glad you could make it."

As I made my way through the discounted racks, I could hear What Not to Wear's Stacey and Clinton in my head, "She's not shopping right. She keeps looking at clothes that don't suit her. Go for the JACKET!!!!! Now head to the purses!!!!"

Never one to disregard fashion advice (even if it is all taking place in my head), I segued to the purses in the back. Can I just say, when it comes time to shop for your own fashion-friendly loved ones, hit Marshall's. I found a Dooney and Burke pink handbag reduced from $159 down to $59. If I hadn't been there shopping for my own stuff, I would have thrown that girly bag into my cart and saved it as my daughter's Christmas present.

I'm a weird one when it comes to purses. I rarely stray from the same modest nylon carry-all bucket bag and when I do, it's usually for a small clutch I'm carrying to one event. Imagine my surprise, then, when I found a marvelous non-bucket, non-nylon yellow leather Nine West number that I picked up and never put down. There were a few other purses I liked, but this one screamed "Take me now, Erin, or lose me forevah!!!" And so the love affair with my Nine West Purse began.

I'd been interested in polishing off my look and Stacy and Clinton always seem to be talking about layering, so I headed back up to the front of the store and then I found it: the Calvin Klein rack.

Can I just say I've never owned a Calvin Klein anything except for fragrances. They always seem so out of my price league except for at Marshall's, it's all within reach. I found a very cool Tan colored blazer-y type jacket and the rest was history.

My Calvin Klein jacket, yellow purse and I began our three-way love affair right there in the middle of Marshall's.

We set out to see if we could bring others into our menage 'a trois. Coach shoes, Betsey Johnson purses, realllllyy discounted pictures and paintings for the house -- I was practically salivating and I could feel my pulse quickening. I had to get out of there quickly before I spent my entire credit card on stuff I wouldn't be able to fit in my car.

Now that I'm home and have worn my new wares to work, I must say I'm heading back to Marshall's the next time I feel the need to find some new accessories or clothes. Same with my daughter.

My Calvin Klein Jacket was originally $99 and I bought it for $35; the purse was originally $69 and I got it for $25. Not bad for a day's work I'd say.

Thanks Marshall's for making me feel like I can keep up with my fashionista daughter without breaking my bank!!!

*Spree is a loose term. I had a $25 gift card they gave me.