Dear Self

Dear Self,

You will get through this. 

Life feels incredibly overwhelming right now, but you're a strong woman and you'll be just fine when all is said and done. 

You could not have predicted the events that have unfolded. You could not have planned for them. What you can do is be yourself and continue to be the best stepmom and the best wife you know how to be. 

>> Realize your stepchild will heal...eventually...and that you can only do so much. 

>> Realize it has been your insight that has helped serve as a guide through this ordeal. 

>> Realize your other stepchild needs love and attention and that one of your jobs on this earth is to provide it. 

>> Realize that your place in this family is going to be tested even more now. 

>> Realize that your marriage will withstand a bi-coastal relationship for a year. 

>> Realize that you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for...and that you'll prove that to yourself this year. 

>> Realize your mental and spiritual strength can move mountains.

>> Realize that this year you may feel like you're going to break. You can break down, but you can't and won't break. 

>> Realize there is a reason and a purpose for everything. 

Self, I need you to be strong this year. Everyone may not realize it, but they're going to depend on you this year to keep everything together. Make sure you have a good support system in place. Make sure you let others know how you're doing. Start to assemble 'team Erin.' 

Make sure to take care of yourself on those evenings when you're all alone -- which will be often now. Paint your toenails, take a bath, go out to dinner with friends -- in fact, find more friends that can keep you busy. 

Life is short. Don't forget to say I love you every day; try not to be resentful and remember what a strong woman you are. 

Dearest self -- Let's refuse to let this break us. 

Deal?

Love, 

me

the state of the family

I haven't been posting on here for a few days (which to me seems like forever). It's not because of sadness or depression, we've just had some big things going on lately. 

I'm going to write this once and probably not talk about it again. I don't mind if people want to e-mail me seperately; however, this isn't going to be blog post fodder for weeks to months to years. 

In the past few weeks, we've been dealing with a health issue with one of the kids. The issue has evolved into hospitalization and that's where we're at. I'm not going to elaborate anymore out of respect for the family, the patient or the situation. 

It's during times like these -- when you feel like you've been broken open -- when you find your strength. I felt like this during my miscarriage and I feel like it now. Knowing myself better than anyone, I know that I'll not only pull through this, but I'll be a better person, wife and parent because of it. 

I may be light on the posting for a bit or I may post like crazy because that's how I deal. 

But to quote our good friend Forrest Gump..."that's all I'm going to say about that."

erin's biochemical experiment....day 4

I'm reading a book right now that discusses the medical arguments between psychologists and psychiatrists over whether or not depression is an illness of the brain or the mind.

Some argue that it's something you treat with medication, making it a brain illness while some argue that it's something you treat in the mind via therapy or behavior modification.  

I've always been fascinated with the mind-brain connection even before all of this happened. I almost feel like my own little experiment right now. 

The day I started taking medication, I almost felt a calm rush over me. I'm not a scientist, but I'm not gullible either. The chemicals in the medicine didn't work that quickly which has led me to contemplate the idea that my mind feels more at ease knowing I'm doing something about an illness in my body. 

Physically, I don't think I've had many side effects. Yesterday I wasn't able to concentrate for a while but that time also coincided with the period in the afternoon where my husband was at an important appointment regarding one of the kids. I've also noticed times where my heart seems to beat louder (or faster) and my hands shake, but then again, they've always done that. Because any 'side effects' could just be coincidences, it's hard to tell if this medication is coursing through my veins. 

What I do know, though, is that I feel like "the cloud' is starting to lift. 

What's interesting about the cloud lifting is that something that would normally make me sadder -- the fact that Chicago got socked with don't-go-out-in-it snow this weekend -- has had very little effect on my mood. 

The doctor said this medicine would probably take a few weeks to kick in, but I'm starting to wonder if my mind is kicking my brain's ass.  Or is it just coincidence? 

This weekend has also been one with no kids, no plans and nothing really pressing except a few blog posts I need to write. My job is fairly solid and my husband is feeling nearly as content as a clam. Basically, my stressors aren't as...stressful. 

Despite the snow on the ground, this weekend has been, in a word, nice. 

So I continue to wonder: has my mind has managed to find some peace and contentment and boost my mood or is the medicine I'm taking helping my brain help me readjust? 

It's a fascinating question and an interesting experiment to conduct. 

stepchick birds of a feather...

File this one under happy news!

I received an e-mail yesterday from the ladies at BlogHer. It seems as though they're encouraging the stepmom blogging posse to create a 'birds of a feather' troop. Apparently, if there is a big enough flock of ladies they may consider adding it to their tracks next year. 

cool-e-o

Not sure what that means? If you're going to be at BlogHer this summer and you're interested in meeting fellow stepmom bloggers, then let me know!!! I can try to coordinate, save seats, act all junior-high like if need be. 

I'd also love to organize a fun little fete for all of the ladies -- maybe ressurect Izzy Rose's idea for La Belle Mere. Let me know what you think!

And before I forget....If you're on Facebook, please come find our cool new Stepchicks fan page. And of course, click on my picture and friend me you saucy minxes :-) 

the things going through my head right now that I can't tell if they're good or bad

• are anti-depressants supposed to be appetite suppressants too? 
  
• should I wear black to my therapy assessment appointment?
• is it wrong that I feel less depressed when my house is peaceful and quiet?
• could my toe nails be any less attractive right now?
• will I ever stop being angry about things that happened in the past?
• would I be a different kind of stepmom if I had my own child? 
• can you have post partum depression if you were only pregnant 7 weeks? 
• should I write a book and should it be fiction or nonfiction? 

obviously, my brain is a strange place to be at right now. 

That's not toast!

Enough with all my doom and gloom already. I've got a cute story to share from the day my husband and I got married....

After the vows had been exchanged and pictures had been taken, my husband, stepkids and our parents settled down with our 50 best friends and family members to begin the toasts and dinner. 

About 10 minutes before they started passing out champagne, the DJ started announcing in regular intervals that we would be doing the toast soon. 

When they finally got around to passing out the drinks to our table, my stepson screams 'THAT'S NOT TOAST!!!!!' and proceeds to scream it for 3 minutes while people were toasting us. 

At the time, I was a little agravated because he was sitting next to me and I couldn't hear anyone's toasts because I was helping to calm him down. Now, we laugh about it and call any situation where you're told one thing and get another a "toast" situation. 

Do you have a similar story that you're able to laugh about in hindsight?

Erin's biochemical experiment...day 1

Back from the doctor. 

What I know...

I am clinically depressed. 

I'm more depressed than your typical bad mood kinda girl.

I can't do this all by myself in the manner I was doing it

I need some sort of intervention

What I'm doing...

I've filled prescriptions for 1 anti-depressent medication and 1 anxiety medication

I've got an assessment tomorrow with the local behavioral health group to find out where I'm at mentally and where to go from here

What I'm going to do...

Not let other people's anxieties about money control my health. 

Pop an anti-anxiety med when I feel like I'm careening toward out-of-control-land

Wait, patiently, to see if the medication works.

Realize how much little control I have over things. 

Develop better coping mechanisms. 

The doctor mentioned that my soon-to-be counselor might suggest I keep a journal of the things that seem to set off my depressive states and anxiety. Well spank my butt and call me Spaghetti Pants isn't it too cool that I already journal a lot on my blog? I'm already a step ahead :-)

Given that this blog has been helpful to others seeking stepmom advice, I thought I might add depression and anxiety to the mix. 

Don't worry -- I won't turn the screen all black and in the event that I have something funny to say, you can bet your behoolas I'm going to write about it. 

angels in the outfield

Life is ironic. 

Yesterday, I made an appointment to see my doctor. The appointment is tomorrow (Wednesday) and I hope to come home with at least a few more coping mechanisms to deal with this depression and anxiety. I'm not sure if the coping will be in pill form or an actual prescription to take a day off or something  to that effect, but the fact of the matter is -- I'm doing something about this. 

I've been feeling pretty low lately and just as soon as I make the appointment, the most ironic thing happened -- I didn't feel as low or sad or depressed.  

Maybe it was because I didn't wake up worrying about the issue going on in our house (although I did do some contemplating in the shower and read about it during lunch)

Maybe it's because it's starting to get lighter out earlier and there wasn't any snow on the ground and traffic wasn't that bad this morning. 

Maybe it's because I went to a refresher pole class last night and could feel the achey muscles today that reminded me I was alive. 

I suspect it has a lot to do with people that have reached out and/or e-mailed me to let me know they're there for me. I almost feel like a braggart making that confession.

I do have friends. Good ones. In fact, right now, I consider them to be my own personal angel squad. 

• There's my angel, Kristin, who when I least expected it has provided amazing encouragement and advice. 
• There's my angel, Jean, who has provided additional maternal support in a way you almost don't expect from a mother in law.
• There's my angel Shannon who offered to take me to Taco Bell or anywhere else I needed to go if I ever needed an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on.
• There's my angel, Debby, who in my opinion wins a mother of the year award because, well, she's my mom and she's a god-send. 
• And then there are the lovely blog comment angels who have provided such wonderful advice and encouragement

To my entire angel squad: Thank you all. You're definitely earning your wings.  If I could think of ways to repay you I would. 

Things to do when you're depressed

Things to do: 

(x) Call General Practioner to set up appointment and inquire about options.

(x) Go to pole class (1) excercise (2) feel-good about self

(x) Start e-mailing friends and possible sources of information to help self through issues.

(x) Accept that not everyone is happy 100% of the time every day of the year. 

(x) Do almost everything in 10 minute increments. Work for 10 minutes; rest for 10 minutes; walk for 10 minutes; self-maintenance for 10 minutes. 

( ) plan day trip to do something

( ) begin planning things to do for when husband is out of town for a week next week

( ) consider paint swatches to paint with when said husband is out of town

( ) set up dinners with friends and family to keep self busy

( ) rejoice that boss is out of town the week before said husband's business trip so should not be as stressful

( ) research cat breeds for probable new cat this Spring. 

( ) try not to buy said cat when husband is out of town. 

living on the edge

I begin each of my blog posts wanting to write something uplifting and happy but ultimately my brain takes over and my emotional floodgates release an unrelenting amount of tears, frustration and despair that pour out through my fingers. 

I've had an awful weekend which has made my depression feel worse. 

I can't really talk about the details of why my weekend wasn't good only to say that a suspicion was finally confirmed and that it's had a profound effect on everyone. 

This weekend I wanted and needed a place of peace. I tried to find it but I don't think I got there. I detached myself from technology and barely left the house except to go to the bookstore and to look at kittens at the pet store (they were cute, I was uplifted). I probably should have worked out, but I didn't have the energy. 

Now that the weekend is over and a new work week has finally dawned, I've taken to my e-mail to start reaching out. I am at the corner of despair and need and I can't take doing this by myself any more. 

My reach out has been somewhat successful. I've had one friend offer a lot of ideas and positive things to day; most of the emails have gone unanswered which saddens me in a way I can't even begin to describe. 

Also, sadly, a girls' night out I've been trying to plan for 6 months may have to be put on hold AGAIN because of a possible impending snow storm on Friday. 

Because of things going on in my life, I'm at the point where I'm contemplating medication. I finally bought a book about depression this weekend; however, I've been doing other research and haven't had a chance to crack it open yet. When I bought the book, I felt uplifted by all of the strategies and techniques I read, but now what the light of day has reminded me of the uphill battle I have before me.

The thought of taking medication scares me to be honest.  On one level, I don't want medication to be used against me in a court of law (and I'm not making that up -- it could be used against me or my house) on the other hand, I don't want to feel so altered that I'm in a constant snowed-over state. My happy, creative mind only works when I'm at my fullest capacity. Even alcohol dims my hyper-creative intelligent light. 

Believe me when I say I can't afford therapy right now but I need something to bring me down from the ledge I feel like I'm on. Part of me wishes I could take a sabbatical to get my brain back on track. I iwish there was a way I could be available for my family, present for work, but still be able to slip quietly into a peaceful place where my only worry is what color of plush socks I'm going to wear that day. 

I also need friends. My mother is my go-to girl in times of crisis and I almost feel like I abused that friendship this weekend. My mom already has a lot to deal with and while I know she would rather lose her limbs than to see me suffer, I still feel guilty for adding to her stress. My husband is embroiled in stress right  now as well so he's not an option either. 

I continue to blog because it's free and it's cathartic. Every once in a while something I'll say will stir up a debate or a few people commenting their suggestions or opinions. Keep it coming. It helps. 

I will try to be more uplifting in coming posts and I realize that people who have read this blog over the past few months may be dropping off like flies because it's been one sad thing after another. I'm at the point that I don't care. I have much bigger problems in my life to deal with than someone not wanting to listen to me be human. 

If you're ready, willing and able to help be a lifeline, drop me an e-mail. I'll be forever grateful. 

Calling all Moms!!! Join and Win A Free Bag

I write a lot about stepmoms and stepmotherhood on this site, but I know there are a number of biological moms who read me too. 

What if I told you there was online community available for all moms? A place where you can find and meet other moms in your area. There is and it's called MomsLikeMe.com. 

MomsLikeMe.com is a fun place to mix and mingle (online first and in person if you want) with other moms. Similar to the Stepchicks site I created, MomsLikeMe.com has a ton of different discussion threads you can join, add, create, etc. 

One of the coolest things about MomsLikeMe is the coupon section. I know it may sound like a cliche, but in this day and age, every penny saved counts. You can also register to win a lot of fun contests and give-aways all just because you've joined the community. 

Still not sure if you want to join? Poke around the site (you can see all of the MomsLikeMe cities here and start looking around. If you see something you want to contribute, create a profile and join. If you're not seeing your niche (say, stepmoms), then locate the the About Us box on the lower right hand side of the page and shoot them an e-mail to see if you can become a discussion leader for a topic. (I, for instance, am a discussion leader for all things relating to stepmoms in Chicago.)

As an incentive to get my favorite ladies here to join (that's you!!!!) I'm giving away this MomsLikeMe bag to the first person to register on MomsLikeMe.com and leave their location and profile name in the comments section. 

Wise Words for Busy Women

My mother in law, wonderful woman that she is, sent me an awesome day-to-day calendar that has perked up my spirits this past week. The calendar -- Daily Reflections for Women Who Do Too Much -- has provided me with the following ponderables: 

We are never as unhappy as we think we are, or as happy as we might be

Learn to say no? We women have a tendency to say nothing or a weak 'yes' and then go way beyond what any human is capable of doing. Perhaps the answer lies not in learning to say 'no,' which is a huge task in and of itself. Perhaps the issue lies in learning to say 'yes' to those things that are vitally important.

"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage." Anais Nin

Check out your "martyrdom quotient." Martyrdom has been (and still is) one of those roles that is acceptable and temping for women. No one benefits when we fall into it. When we choose to be martyrs, we shortchange everyone around us-- and ourselves. 

Those were jut a sampling of what I've seen up until today. I'll get more posted over the next few days so you, too, can feel inspired. 

How to get along with his ex...A Stepmom's Guide

I recently crafted a blog post on another blog about how my relationship with my stepkids' mom has changed over the 5 1/2 years we've known each other. 

We started out a little rocky. Then there was some hatred as a result of something stupid that happened a couple of years ago. Right now we get along like sisters. In fact, she even bought me a birthday present which I wasn't expecting at all. 

Someone commented on that original post that I should start a school or share some of my wisdom on how we reached the point we're at now. I'm very aware of how unusual our friendship is, so I'm glad to offer a few tips that have helped me. Of course, every situation is different. If you've found something useful, please let us know in the comments. 

How to Get Along with His Ex...One Stepmom's Guide

1. Suck it up. This is one of THE hardest lessons and I admit I still have problems with it. There's something about a person not living in your house telling you what you can and cannot do that really rubs most people the wrong way. My suggestion: make like a first grade teacher and let the childish stuff roll off your back. 
2. For the non-childish stuff, make it clear to your spouse/partner why it's a problem. For as long as I can remember, my husband has acted as intermediary between his two wives (past and present). I have to hand it to him -- his role in the family isn't easy either particularly because his first wife and I don't see eye to eye on everything. He's good at choosing his battles and will let me know when an argument isn't even worth having with her. On the flipside, he's seen my reactions to some of the decisions that have been made and knows a lot of my hot buttons. He's at a point where he'll go to bat for me even before he tells me something that happened. Score 1 for Team Marriage!
3. Look at it like a job. When the going gets rough, the tough do more than they need to to excel. This of course assumes that you have that kind of work mentality. I admit going above and beyond the call of stepmom duty was actually been a source of contention at one point. I was trying to be helpful and she was feeling like I was taking over her turf. After it was revealed to me how much she despised what I was doing, I disengaged myself a lot. It probably helped that I was also getting through a miscarriage and had other things on my mind. After a while, it became obvious how much I contributed to our family and I think she realized that I'm with her on this and not against her. 
4. Try to be her friend. Seriously...Engage in Operation Befriend The Ex. You may not reach a level where you're having coffee "dates" every Saturday morning, but a little friendship goes a long way. If you've heard the kids talk about their mom's favorite movie and you see it on sale at the store -- pick it up for her. Is she sick? Offer to take the kids for the night even if it's not your night. Husband/partner can't pick up the kids from school that night? Offer to do it for him and her. It's hard to want to be friendly to a person who can negatively impact your life in so many ways, but at least give this a try. And if all else fails....
5. Consider an escape plan. Seriously ask yourself if you can stand living in this kind of family arrangement for the rest of your life. If it sounds unbearable and your husband or partner isn't willing to stand up on your behalf to put the kibosh on the crappy behavior then really consider your options. Understand what your breaking point is and be willing to do something about it. 

Like I said, these are some of things I've done or suggest based on my own experiences. I'm sure other stepmoms  out there would love to hear more so please leave your comments below. 

Survival Stories

Writer/researcher Ray Welling is working with a clinical psychologist researching a book on co-parenting and step-parenting strategies and would like to talk to people who have experienced it. What were/are the highs and lows? What sorts of skills did you need to learn to make it work? Where did you turn for help? What advice would you have for someone who is embarking on a 'blended family'?

Ray has developed an online questionnaire to collect your stories. Please go to

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=6BxPLe6n3e5Jre24wssBrA_3d_3d

to fill it out or email me for a soft copy. They're looking both for people who feel they have survived and those who feel they are struggling. 

Questions? Email Ray at rwel0010@mail.usyd.edu.au

The Good Daughter

Dear Father,

My birthday has come and gone and nary a word from you. Not a card. Not a call. Nothing. 

I'm not even sure if you're living or dead. You could have died and been buried already and I would have no idea. 

We've reached a point where I tend to call on major holidays because if I don't, I won't hear from you at all. When I called you on Christmas you sounded tired and almost weak spirited. But you've always been the type that is too proud to admit when something might be wrong so I don't know.  

Are you sick? Are you dying? Are you even reading this blog? 

I've almost given up on trying to be the kind of daughter you would want to call regularly. I know your childhood wasn't easy, but that doesn't make it right to not call your ONLY DAUGHTER ON HER BIRTHDAY. 

I am a grown woman who has gotten used to having a father who rarely contacts her, but to not even hear from you around my birthday BREAKS MY HEART. 

Father, Stepmom -- if you do read this blog with any sort of regularity, can you let me know what's going on? I've tried to be the good daughter and call on the holidays to check in but I don't know what else I can do. The road goes both ways. 

Promise me if something major is happening that you'll let me know. I'm your only daughter. You owe me that much. 

-- Your Erin Aliwicious Babytype Girl

Recession Hurts

As I alluded to yesterday, there are some big decisions going on in our house. And as one blog friend picked up -- it's related to careers. 

This recession has been a doozy. I'm not sure if the 2001 recession (the only other one I can remember as an adult) was as bad or if this one seems worse because there's more than just me to worry about. 

But right now, the recession is a major stressor in our house for a few reasons: 

• Budget cuts mean fewer indulgences. Some of the items on my happy list require a bit of an investment. Not much, but some. When you're saving every penny, it seems ridiculous to spend money just for the sake of smile. Good-bye new books; hello current collection. 
• Saving money means deciding what's a want and a need. My husband and I are not poor; however, as anyone in a blended family can attest to, family law does not care about the non-custodial parent's job. When you are legally required to pay child support, quasi-alimony, day-care, clothes, shoes, etc. every month or else get taken to court, you tend to want to sock away money just in case you get laid off. My husband and I are currently deliberating on how much we think we need the gym membership, Zune subscription and cable all in an effort to store cash away just in case. I've even contemplated going off birth control just to save money (if you're infertile, why use birth control, right?) except knowing my luck, I would wind up pregnant when I don't want to be. 
• Jobs, work and how to sustain a marriage if you're not in the same state. This is one of the major stresses in my life right now. The industry my husband works in is undergoing serious layoffs. My husband is extremely talented and we hope to heck he doesn't get laid off; however, if staying employed means he has to work on a 1-2 year gig in another state then that's what we have to do. 

There are all sorts of things going on in my head right now if the recession gets worse and my husband's job takes him to another state. Does he get a part-time apartment and come visit on the weekends? Do he and I move? Do the kids' mom and I keep things at the status quo with nights and weekends even if the parent who shares the custody (my husband) isn't at home?

I'm going to write more about this as the days go on but for now, wanted to get some stressors off my chest and squash any potential worries or fears that something horrible has happened. 

This is the part in the movie version of my life where I take a long walk with good music

We're on the precipice of a few big, life-altering decisions at my house. I can't really reveal them right now but suffice it to say, this time next year life may have a new look or feel to it. 

It's times like these that I wish I had a gaggle of girlfriends I could call to ask me what I should do. Do I choose A or B? Will my personality or character really sustain either one of the choices? 

But the fact of the matter is, I don't have a gaggle of girlfriends. I have friends whom I've known for a long time that it takes me months to have the time to go out to dinner with and I friends whom I strip down to nearly nothing with and grind the pole at class with on Sundays and I've got my best buddies -- my mom and husband -- but no real posse that can be called to order. In fact, at the event of my funeral, I think my husband would have to post it on Facebook because that seems to be a common thread among all of my friends. 

But girlfriends is what I need right now.

How do you go about re-kindling your friendships when you need them the most? 

(Let me also clarify for the record, this decision is not related to divorce or conception). 

Seriously Desperate Housewives...really?

First, there was the I-want-to-apply-for-the-stepmom-job Bachelor -- which it appears as though the kid is a no-go for one close-minded family. 

Then The Uninvited turned me off, with its playing into the stereotypical Dad's got a new bitchy girlfriend storyline. 

Now, it appears, I'm going to have to break up with one of my favorite shows: Desperate Housewives. 

If the previews are any indication, DH (Des. Housewives, not a 'dear husband') and I are quitting each other next Sunday. 

I'm going to give the show the benefit of the doubt; however, if Susan Myer (Teri Hatcher's character) does what I think she's going to do and goes ape shit over Katherine Mayfair (Dana Delaney's character) trying to befriend her soon-to-be stepson, then we're through. 

I swear, I nearly had to readjust my jaw after I saw the clip for next week. The mom (Susan) gets her panties into a tightly wound bunch because Katherine (the girlfriend of Susan's ex) is being loving and tender to the little 5 year old son. The previews even show the mom going off on a yelling spree because she doesn't want her love obstructed. 

If they don't resolve the issue in less than an hour without some sort of positive outcome, then I'm over Desperate Housewives. I've had it up to here with Hollywood giving stepmoms the shit role in the movie. 

Invert This!

It's been a long time since I've talked about my pole dancing classes. I'm still doing them although I'm going to be sticking with the current level I'm at for a while. 

For the next go-round, starting in March, I'm going to start taking burlesque classes and and maybe a belly dancing class. (all at FlirTease, where I've gone for the past 18 months)

I recently helped the owner post how-to videos to YouTube and every time I watch them I'm reminded of the physical strength it takes to do these tricks. I'm including the video for the inversion -- the trick that took me countless attempts, major hamstring stretching and a 25 pound weight loss to finally be able to do. 

In case you're wondering, that's the studio where I take classes. In case you're really wondering, there are more videos on the YouTube channel. In case you're REALLLLLLY wondering, yes, I can do all of those tricks and yes, I'd love to do a class with you if you're ever in Chicago...

Happy Birthday to me...happy birthday to me.....

In all of my 33 birthdays, yesterday stands up with about 3-4 others that I will file away as being one of the happier, more memorable birthdays. 

For starters. It was 55 degrees in Chicago yesterday. If I believed in God, I would have thought he/she had something to do with the warmth and sunshine the descended upon the Great City of Chicago. I don't think I wore a coat the entire day. Do you know how rare that is for a Chicagoan with a February birthday? 

Secondly, I had my husband all to myself for the entire weekend. He was kind, and generous and I don't think I felt stress for one second from Friday evening through now, Sunday afternoon.  

That picture up there? That's me yesterday morning.You can't really see it, but there is a green tiara sitting atop my head. I bought the tiara at the same time I bought the red lipstick -- part of my birthday makeover.  I also got a birthday haircut. (I told you I was all about makeover therapy). I had 3 inches lopped off and had bangs inserted where there used to be a swoop of dry hair. All in all, I kinda like it. 

As part of the day-o-joy, I went with my mom to Target and bought what I've decided is one of the cutest trench coats in the world. I also got to go out on a real, live date with my husband. We saw "He's Just Not That Into You" and then hit Chili's for dinner. 

I know, sounds like the kind of date high school sophomores go on, right? Given my husband has been consumed by writing a book for the past 6 months, actually having his full attention was like money in the bank. 

Today -- the day after my birthday -- has been just as good. Not only was I able to cuddle with my husband, but I also hit a few stores and got some amazing deals ($8 for a $40 purse at Kohl's -- yeah, I bought 2). 

This weekend has been -- in a word -- wonderful. 

I wanted to write this blog post as evidence that I am capable of being happy and that I'm not all depression and sorrow. Between the weather, spending time with my husband and relaxing, I really can see the light at the end of the tunnel...and it's not a locomotive. 

What's on your Happy List?

As I mentioned, when I've entered Depressionland, I consult my trust Happy List to remind me of what makes me happy. 

This got me thinking about the current items on my Happy List:

• Mid-day naps
• Catching up with friends over email or Facebook
• Reading positive blog comments :-) 
• Watching CSI, Golden Girls or Designing Women marathons
• Watching said marathons while my cat, Puppy Cat, lays near me so closely that it's a shame to get up. 
• Eating anything from Chipotle Mexican Grill
• Snarfing down Doritios and dip
• Crocheting a scarf, hat or blanket
• Playing the Sims
• Resting on my husband's shoulder
• Mani/Pedi 
• Eyebrow waxing
• Long afternoons in the bookstore
• Walking around the mall
• Reading a great book in the big leather chair in our house that overlooks the lake

That's my list. What's on your Happy List? 

Escape from Depressionland

Thank you to each and every person who has offered love, hugs and advice regarding my trip to Depressionland. While it's true that it hasn't been easy, I do know that this, too, shall pass. 

As I mentioned, I've dealt with this  most of my adult life. I've developed dozens of coping mechanisms that get me through each winter (which is when my depression is its most severe). Those mechanisms include: 

• Light-at-end-of-tunnel therapy. I play a trick on my mind on February 1. I start to imagine March 1 is a finish line and I'm on mile 23 of a marathon. I know that so long as I can remember that there are less than 28 days until the end of meteorological winter, my mind instantly starts to perk up. 
• Make-overs. By the time January/February hits I'm usually as pasty as a ghost, my hair is stringy and I've lost all interest in looking "pretty." I've always been the type that believes in make-over therapy so I start finding a new hairstyle or make-up tricks. By the time my next bullet item rolls around, I've usually accomplished one or all parts of a make-over and the cloud lifts a little more.
• Birthday celebrating. It doesn't help that my birthday falls right in the middle of the deepest part of my depression cycles. But, I'm true to my lemon/lemonade personality and instead of getting even more upset, I've always been a birthday celebrator. I'll throw parties, have people over, go out, etc. The celebrating always tends to cheer me up. 
• The Happy List. I've written these things since I was in college. My Happy List contains a long list of things I like or like to do that make me happy which, when you're depressed, often are forgotten. My list contains things like "Crochet. Do nails. Bubble bath. Read. Get lost in bookstore. Watch movies., etc."

I do realize that a happy list won't fix depression, nor will a make-over. However, I also know myself well enough to know that my depression is mostly seasonal and is typically set off by other stressors going on in my life. My brain knows this. Trying to get the rest of me to cooperate requires help. And what I do need is what we call in my family a "map maker." 

Depressionland is actually what I call this state of mind I'm in right now. Bear with me as explain...

In  my overly creative brain, Depressionland is like a huge forest with a giant road around it. The road is my life. I try to stay on track, and am pretty good at doing so most of the time. Every once in a while, though, the road has icy spots which send me careening into this forest (aka, Depressionland). Once I'm in Depressionland, I panic and I can't figure out how to get out. 

Usually, my mom, my mother-in-law, my husband and/or my husband's ex (what a cast of unusual suspects, eh?) are the ones who help get me out of the forest and back on my road. However, there are times when the my helpers are also my stress-makers. And that's when things get bad. 

So....and here's where I sound less crazy....I need a mapmaker to help me figure out how, when I'm lost again, I can get back out without panicking. 

My ideal mapmaker is a counselor or therapist. Unfortunately right now because of the recession and the major loss of jobs and stresses on people's lives, therapists and counselors are extremely busy and difficult to schedule. Did I also mention that they cost money? 

Money is not an excuse for why I don't go. It's a legitimate concern. My husband and I both work in industries that are on shaky ground. We're cutting costs all around us -- groceries, activities, etc. --  to make sure we can survive if one or both of us loses a job. 

Admittedly, this stress is one of the factors to my depression, but it's happening for a lot of people so I'm not alone. 

I'll call the hotline to get an assessment and I'll hope that I can be fit in to someone's schedule in the near future. Although, and this is the tricky part, the depression fades as the snow melts and even now I can start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'll keep you all posted on my quest to find a mapmaker and my escape from Depressionland. 

Tales from Depressionland

Depression hurts. 

You've seen the commercials, right? The ones with the lonely, sad looking people barely managing to live and their loved ones looking on with near horror or contempt. 

For the past few months, I've been one of those sad looking people. 

I have depression. 

I suppose you could say I suffer from it, but like Cancer -- its second cousin once removed -- I have it and I try to do things to keep it from having me. 

Obviously, the tone of my posts for the past few months has been somber. I've been lost in Depressionland and most of my tour guides have been women who have a vested interest in getting me out alive. 

Obviously, that vested interest is a good thing. It's saved me from sitting in the garage with the car on when I've felt like I couldn't go on. It's saved me from cutting my arms to pieces when the pain felt like more than I could bear. 

People have asked me why I don't talk to a doctor about this; why my husband doesn't insist or encourage me to go to the doctor's office to get checked out. 

My reasons are simple yet sad: this depression is hereditary. I have it, my mom has it, my grandmother has it and I'm sure her mother did too. We've all pulled through our darkest days with amazing strength which is why I know I'll be okay. 

I also cannot afford to treat my depression the way it should be treated. Most people's response to this is "You can't afford not to." That's probably true, except right now, my paychecks need to go toward groceries and the heating bill and not healing what has been a repetitive issue my entire life. 

I refuse to take medication for this depression. I've been prescribed it once and I felt like hell. Never again. I'm eccentric and cool and the drugs made me sound and feel like a stoner. 

I do have the phone number for the mental health line for my health insurance. Some day, I plan to call it and get my assessment taken care of so at least I can begin finding a therapist. But I hold myself back because something else, something bigger, always seems to get in the way of my seeking treatment. 

During these cold winter months, I'm a shell of my exuberant self. I'm no where near as happy and alive as I am when it's warm. I'm not the best wife, the best stepmom or the best daughter when I'm depressed. 

I am what I am. 

I am depressed. 

'K?

Sizzle Says posted this meme on her blog earlier this week and, well, you know me. I love revealing things about myself. 

So, I bring you: 10 things I love brought to you by the letter K

1. Kaitlyn. As in, my sister. She's 15 and possibly one of the sweetest and most talented teens I know. She was born 10 weeks early and weighed a pound. Now, she towers over me and is extremely intelligent and good at music. I want to be like her when I grow up. 
2. Kerry. As in, my stepdad. The man who taught me how to be a good stepparent. He's my inspiration and he's one of the most important people in my life. 
3. Kit-Kat bars. If these things were crack, I would have been in prison a long time ago. I love me some kit-kat bars. 
4. Knocked Up. The movie. See it, laugh at it. Love it. Make sure you wear a condom. 
5. Kool-Aid. Grape is my favorite flavor followed by cherry and lemon. I didn't get to have kool-aid growing up and I binged on it for a few years when I lived on my own. My blood sugar has never recovered. 
6. Kitchen gadgets. I've never met a gadget I didn't like. When my husband and I registered for our wedding, 90% of our registry was kitchen stuff. We still use everything we received. 
7. Kites. I've always been in awe of the kite. Somehow, through some engineering feat, you can raise a triangular or circular object up in the air and let it fly for miles. Too cool.
8. KnockKnock. Perhaps one of the coolest novelty websites in the world, I wish I could buy all of my stationary from this site (see the cool image above for an example of the quirky stuff they sell.) 
9. Ketchup. Yum. Goes good with French Fries which I rarely ever eat but would if they weren't greasy or full of calories.
10. kate spade. I don't own any of her purses or accessories but I covet their coolness. 

**If you want to participate, leave a comment on this post and I will assign you a letter. You then write about 10 things you love that begin with your assigned letter and post them on your blog. When people comment on your posted list, you give them a letter and the chain continues on and on.

Why stepparents may want to care about gay right laws

Whether you agree with it or not, if you're a stepparent, you may want for your state to pass gay rights legislation. 

According to this 2006 article, Are Stepparents Real Parents?, the legality of a same-sex marriage also plays a part in the legality of blended families as well. 

According to this article, most states only recognize a child as having two parents: a mom and a dad. If you are a stepparent or gay partner, you have absolutely no legal rights in the eyes of your state to do things such as: 

• Sign a school permission slip
• Pick up/drop off at day care or school
• Sign a report card
• Sign or admit for medical, dental, vision care

This passage from the article sums it up what frustrates most stepparents about their lack of legal rights

So a stepmother can take a month off work to care for her sick stepson, thanks to the federal law on Family Leave. But if she has to take her stepson to the emergency room, state law might prevent her from authorizing medical treatment. And if her son ends up dying due to hospital negligence, she can't sue.

For anyone who still doesn't get why stepparents get so up in arms about not getting the respect they deserve, this article might help you understand.