The Reality and The Perception of (Step)motherhood

Over the course of a person's life, they're bound to do and say things they'll regret. This weekend, I said something to my mom that I now regret.

My mother is my best friend in the world. She's more of a friend to me than my own husband and the girls I've known since kindergarten. She can tell you nearly every detail about me and almost predict my next behavior or movement better than I can.

For the past 5-6 months, I've been attempting to write a memoir. My mother figures prominently in my memoir; in fact, she's a major force behind some of the choices I've made in my life.

One of the things I've discovered in writing my manuscript is how I remember things happening verses how others remember. I thought I remembered my Mom and Dad's divorce one way; turns out I was wrong. I remember my high school to college experience as happening one way; my mom remembers it differently.

It was this transition that caused me to climb on to my soap box (when my mom was already feeling down by the way) and remind my mom how I'd sacrificed 16 years prior.

My mom's response now breaks my heart:

"I don't remember that," she tells me "I remember other things being more pressing at the time." She finally adds, "I'm sorry I denied you those opportunities."

Please understand, my mom is my go-to person in my times of need. The fact that I made her feel bad or having an ounce of guilt tears my heart up right now. The fact that I did it when she clearly was having a bad week makes me feel like the world's worst daughter.

The event that prompted me to climb aboard my soap box, however, reminds me of how horribly important it is to manage perceptions and communicate facts. I'd operated under one pretense for 16 years because that's what I remember. Rewind another 7 years and you've got my parent's divorce that I thought I remembered correctly. Turns out, what I remembered wasn't true at all.

Why does all of this seem important as Stepmom? Because facts versus perception don't go hand in hand very often. One person's reality can become another person's emotional albatross for years.

While most blended family experts will tell you not to alienate or pit parents against each other, as a Stepmom, unless you want a starring role in Junior's Trilogy of "Why I Loathe My Family," it might do you some good to set some records straight periodically.

For example: 

• I was not the reason your Mom and Dad got divorced.
• Being a Stepparent is hard; if I seem like I'm not doing it right, I'm sorry. 
• I don't not like you; I just don't know how to like you sometimes
• I am trying to get along with everyone

As a stepkid who is writing about experiences as stepmom, I'm blown away by how many memories I have of my life that were skewed because of what I believed was true. Do yourself and your stepkids a favor and set the record straight before you're staring down the barrel of lie 20 years later.

And Mom, if you're reading this, I'm really, really, really sorry.

Photo: Microsoft Clipart