Perception and People Pleasing Paranoia

I sometimes think I'm too introspective for my own good. Where most people would have paused to think long and hard about their own parenting perceptions versus facts, I decided I need to go a step further and start to second guess my own actions.

Earlier this week, my husband and I were having a heated discussion about something relating to the kids. It's the first time in a long time over the course of 9 months that he's been home and with the kids and I during the evenings. The discussion started out as a misunderstanding but blossomed into a series of verbal spears thrown back and forth about who was doing more for the kids.

Me: "You're going to call me into question after I've been raising YOUR kids by myself for the past NINE months?"

My husband: "I"m still the Father and this is still my house too. Just because I've been gone doesn't mean I no longer here."  


We both had our valid points. I had been raising my husband's kids while he's worked out of airports and hotel rooms so we can all maintain the lifestyle we like to think we've grown accustomed to. It wasn't really a "who is going to win?" argument, but like the discussion with my mom earlier in the week, it did make me think about what I had been doing this year and why.

While I swear I remember my own mother and stepfather asking and expecting me to do something above and beyond a sisterly call of duty when I was in college; I also swear I remember my husband saying and expecting me to take care of the kids while he traveled.

But, honestly, I don't know if either of those conversations took place or if both were my memory's way of protecting my psyche from admitting I didn't want to take care of people in the first place. I wouldn't trade my experiences with all of the "kids" in my life -- my brother and sister and my stepkids -- for anything, but I also wonder if I stepped into the caregiver role because I was paranoid that if I didn't, then the "real" parents in each equation would be disappointed in me. Or worst of all, that I'd be disappointed in myself.

If you know anything about people pleasers, know that they (specifically, me) live in constant fear of disappointing or upsetting people. Whereas some people shutter at the thought of going broke, a people pleaser will almost break down at the thought upsetting or disappointing someone.

Which brings me to perception and people pleasing paranoia.

I perceived that my husband wanted and needed me to take care of the kids while he's traveled. He may not have said it point blank, but as his wife, I assumed it was implied. I also assumed the implication because he knows that's the kind of person I am.

But if I stopped and thought about it -- perhaps if I took my own advice -- I should ask him point blank:

While you travel, are you expecting me to take care of the kids similar to how you would do it or as if you were still here? 

If he answers yes, then I know he expects it and that perhaps better ground rules should be in place for the times when Dad is home versus when he's away. (as it is, there have been several "heated" discussions this week over what I'm used to doing with the kids and what Dad feels like should be okay to do)

If he answers no, then perhaps I need to pause and reflect for a spell. Why am I putting parts of my life on hold to take care of kids that I legally don't need to be taking care of? While I am a loving and helpful person, aren't I doing myself a disservice if I'm doing something that has a high likelihood of turning me into a resentful person?

While I've laid out my own experience, I encourage other women out there -- moms, stepmoms, aunties, sisters, etc. -- to examine their own perceptions and people pleasing paranoias. Are you doing the "right" thing because you're paranoid of letting someone down or that 2 months or 2 years down the road someone will have perceived you as having been an awful person?

It's something to think about...

Photo: Microsoft Clipart