I've stood my ground over the past week and I'm incredibly proud of myself. I managed to not be over-responsible when my husband was home during the week and actually let him take care of his own kids! (I know, it's shocking).
I won't get into my disease to please on this particular post (but you can bet your ass I will in the coming weeks), but strangling my inner pleaser has felt empowering. No longer do I feel the albatross of "but if I say no then my step-x's ailment might take a turn for the worse" or "If back down from my husband's futile requests maybe I'll get a few more 'I love you's' from him."
Nothing will make my loved ones change. My husband will not suddenly decide to believe in unconditional love nor will my father suddenly decide to visit me on the weekends. My stepkids are hardwired to be like their parents -- all of us -- and all I can hope is that with some careful and caring suggestions and rules that they'll turn out like wonderful adults.
In trying to tame my inner people pleaser, I drafted a list of house rules last week that I was going to read aloud at dinner and then have everyone sign to attest that they did hear and will abide by the rules. The rules were approved by my Husband -- so much for a romantic marriage, ours is sometimes more like a business partnership -- and we held a dinner family meeting to read over the rules.
I read the rules on Friday at dinner. So far, barely anyone has followed any of the rules. Read through my list and tell me what's so difficult about some of these rules? You can bet your stepmother-loving arse I will continue this discussion tomorrow. Stay tuned.
House Rules
- Manners: All members of the house will say please and thank you; bless you, excuse me and will open or keep open doors when the situation calls for it. All members of the house will be responsible for helping to unpack a car of groceries or similar. Allowing a door to slam in someone’s face is grounds for grounding.
- Work first; play second: Homework comes first and will be worked on until finished, chores second, t.v., magazines, etc. last. If your homework and chores leave no time for television that is your problem, not Dad or Stepmom’s. (Parents do not expect perfection; however, we do expect you to do your homework. Failure to maintain average or above grades will result in extracurricular activities being taken away.
- Events: If you wish to participate in an event/dance, etc. at least 1 week’s notice is required and you are responsible for arranging transportation, money, etc. Kids will be required to put up half of the money for any event (dances, book fairs). If you chose to have Dad/Stepmom pay for a field trip at least 2 weeks’ notice is required or else we will not pay.
- Shopping: Dad and Stepmom are not a bank nor do we have an endless supply of cash. The following items will be purchased as needed (not wanted): socks, underwear, pants, shirts, sweaters, deodorant, shampoo/conditioner, toothpaste, body/facial wash. You are responsible for purchasing things you want and those not on this list. (Stepmom will not spend above $120 at the grocery store per week.)
- Possessions: Your possessions will be taken care of or else you will not have them. Items found on the floor will be thrown away or given to charity. Everybody in this house has a bedroom therefore your toys/accessories/knick-knacks should be placed there and not in common areas. Failure to adhere to this rule will result in your belongings being thrown away or given to charity.
- Respect. You will treat other members in this family – and this house – with respect. Selfishness and brattiness will not be tolerated. Respect and kindness will be.
- Chores: Everyone will be responsible for keeping this house clean and organized. Everyone has chores they need to attend to every day that they are here. Failure to do so will result in privileges being taken away. If you cannot remember to do your chores or what they are, further privileges will be taken away.
- Laundry is done on the weekends. If you wish to have clean clothes, your laundry basket must be in the laundry room by Saturday morning. Similarly, you are responsible for putting away your clothes neatly.
- If any of the garbage cans in the house are full, you should empty them regardless of whose chore it is.
- The cats will be returned if the litter is not kept clean in the box or outside of it.
11 comments:
The trick will be to inforce the rules without nagging. Reminding them of the rules over and over doesn't work. Just following through in a quiet firm way.
Good Luck!
I am so glad I am not the only one who thinks a "house rules" list is a good idea. I came up with one, husband agreed to it, but then chickened out when it came time to talk to the kids about it. These are great rules and I do not see why they would be so hard to follow.
Good luck!
You might want to let the kids know that your family works like a corporation and you all have to work together in order to it to be successful. When it all works well there are rewards, when it doesn't there are consequences. You might even ask if the step kids have any "rules" they want to add to the list, you'd be surprized!
My marriage works a lot like a business partnership so I don't see why the whole family shouldn't work like a corporation (I'm kidding and I'm not).
The respect and manners rules (which are actually #1 and #2) stem from previous attempts I've made at establishing some law and order around the house. Most of the kids' rules have to do with them not wanting to touch each other's stuff or to have privacy or not interrupt. I just want some peace in this house and to instill extra good manners.
It is all about respect for one another. They feel better for being respected and they feel better knowing their place in the family. It's funny how it all works together. Keep us posted on everyone's reactions and progress.
Frankly I'm most concerned with how everyone in the house treats Stepmom like she's the bank, maid, butler, cook, nanny and chauffeur and doesn't have a lot respect for her. I'm fairly certain I have more respect for my husband and kids than they do for me.
My goal is to remind everyone in this house that the world does not revolve around them. We all have to work together to make our family run smoothly.
You probably don't even need to remind them just quietly carry out the consequences laid out ahead of time. It takes more patience not to nag but you'll go further without it AND you'll feel less stressed. The trick is to be consistant.
I'm not a stepmom nor do I have step-parents, but if I had to be told time after time to do something when I was kid, I defintiely suffered the consequences. My favorite pair of shoes were thrown out one time and I never left any of my shoes in the living room again. Just a thought :-)
Just like any business there also has to be incentives.
The rewards of a tidy house, no squabbling and laundry put away are only really relevant to the rule maker.
Even employees will not continue to work in a business where their hard work is not rewarded in some way or recognised.
In my experience as both step-daughter, Step-mum and a mother positive reinforcements that are relevant to the person doing the act - are far more easily accepted and will usually mean that they will continue to follow the rules rather than break them.
In fact I have found that my kids sometimes break the rules just for the negative attention.
There have been plenty of incentives for everyone in my house to not pitch in: why help out or be nice when Stepmom will just do this stuff for us anyway?
I'm tired of that. I allowed it to happen so these rules are a means to stop allowing my family to take advantage of me.
I'm a big fan of pointing out positives and offering rewards and will continue to do so, but I will not continue to reward people who only think about themselves and don't pitch in around the house or respect everyone else.
Erin,
I applaud you and I'm proud of you. If I'm not mistaken, your skids are old enough to do their own laundry, correct? What I do is leave the laundry room open for Junior every TUESDAY so he can wash, dry, fold and put away his own clothes.
Because he refused to keep his room clean (not spotless, clean...as in there is a floor under those clothes) I gave to charity two thirty gallon trash bags of stuff (with the blessing of my husband).
Ever since then, Junior's room has been the cleanest room in the house.
"Have a New Kid By Friday" is one of my favorite parenting books. Because in order to change the behavior of those around you, you first have to change yours. Kind of like the Dog Whisperer...and yes, the strategies even work on husbands...
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