Back home, we've adjusted fairly well. We no longer refer to nights at our house as "Dad" nights; they're now Stepmom Nights. We've replaced CNN with nightly dinner rituals of joke telling or Mad-Libbing. There's a certain comfort level around the house because we know if Dad gets mad, he's at least a thousand miles away and his bark doesn't hurt nearly as bad as his bite. Besides, when you've got two women that have been married to him to act as buffers, you know he probably won't get too angry.
But there are still moments where I, as Stepmom to this unlikely family dynamic, still get tangled up in questions on what I should or shouldn't be doing.
Because Dad is away, I've assumed the role as sole parent in our house. This doesn't mean that Dad isn't consulted or gets no say in things, but as far as day-to-day operations are concerned, I call the shots at our house.
As the kids have gotten older, their brains have gotten mushier and more forgetful. As I've gotten older -- and wiser -- I've decided to set more boundaries for the family. My boundaries equal their need to take more responsibility for their own lives. What a perfect juxtaposition of family values, eh?
Cases in point:
- When one kid forgot homework at home...guess who didn't run it to school to save the day?
- When one kid forgot to have something signed in order to participate in something...guess who said too bad kiddo.
- When one kid forgot to bring home work home...guess who said too bad -- no getting to watch t.v. that night?
When I mention to the kids' mom that there are consequences in our house for being forgetful, it becomes a conversation about my rules versus her beliefs. She may feel one way, but at my house -- our house -- we have a slightly different (albeit stricter ) set of boundaries and rules.
If my husband were at home, he would be the one talking to the kids' mom and telling her what we've decided at our house. Because he's not here, it's up to me to have that conversation. And let me tell you, it can feel awkward.
As for how I've reached this point -- being welcomed as "the other mom" -- you'll have to tune in tomorrow for that.
6 comments:
good for you! At first it's harder and almost more work to enforce the rules but in the end you have adults who can take care of themselves in a responsible way.
Hi Erin,
I marvel at you. I got fairly burnt out when I took on being a stepmom. For me, the challenge was seeing that life was improved for the kid and her dad--extra hands to help with homework, decorating the house for holidays, etc. instead of just surviving the day-to-day--but I had to take back some of my time/energy even though it was benefitting the family...and that's been really, really hard! I'm good (like you) at filling in the gaps, at pleasing other people.
As for setting rules, I get it! I'm definitely the one who's still the most tuned in to homework deadlines, field trip permission forms, etc. not to mention chores and hygiene.
But, when the kid slips up in her responsibilities, sometimes it's because of fatigue. Stress. Wanting extra hugs. So, in terms of punishments, we do our best to see the whole child still--and it's so tough. We want them to experience consequences to prep them for the 'real' world, and also know that some of the hardest consequences (like staying organized while bouncing between houses) is already so deeply felt.
Anonymous #2 --
I get the exaustion. I really do; however, I've been in their shoes before. I've been the stepkid going from house to house and frankly, my parents didn't cut me any slack and I'm glad about that.
My mom and Father lived 2 hours away from one another so if I forgot something I was screwed.
Knowing my parents wouldn't really cover my ass was a great way to learn how important organization is to your daily life. It's probably why I'm so organized now.
I'm quite impressed! My experience with my Hubby's Ex has not been so good. The last few years have been horrible. It makes me sad, as in the past, I would have been able to work through things with my Hubby's Ex, and would be able to stay connected with my SD while my Hubby is gone these next few months.
Smoochies!!!
Erin,
Starting in 2 weeks, I will also spend the next 18 months with a nomadic husband. Rick has 71 days of active duty training days that will take him to army posts near and far as he trains for his deployment to the mid east in August 2010. Junior is a senior in high school. His mom lives 1.5 hours south of me. So, I'll have Junior without the benefit of another parent during Rick's train-up. Fortunately, Junior turns 18 in April and graduates in June (fingers crossed) and mostly likely will live with his mom when Rick deploys.
Props to you! That is quite a task to take on and you are handling it so well. I get caught between trying to set rules and then fear my SS wont like me if I am too strict, I am not his mother he doesnt have to love me. Plus I am dreading those few words, "you are not my mother!"
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