Raise your hand if this situation happens at your house: your stepkids enjoy spending time at your/Dad's house even though Dad isn't home.Such is the case at our house.
I like to think I'm not complaining that my stepkids like hanging out here. In fact, I think it's a major score for me and my Stepmomming ability that I haven't chased the kids -- or their mom -- away screaming that they never want to come back.
In our situation though, my husband isn't really here most of the time so "Dad" nights have become "Stepmom" nights. I keep the kids for the night, we hang, make lunches and dinners, watch t.v., cuddle, etc. It's like normal Dad nights except, well, no Dad.
But Mom Nights and weekends where Dad isn't home are starting to be met with some resistance by the kids. In a perfect stepfamily world, the kids would be content no matter which house they were at; however, in our world, most of the kids' friends are in our (Dad and Stepmom's) neighborhood which means they'd sometimes rather have Stepmom Nights than Mom nights.
Case in point: When my oldest asked if this Labor Day weekend was a Dad weekend, my response that No, he wasn't going to be home and that it was a Mom weekend until Thursday was met with: "Darn. I wanted to hang out with _______ this weekend."
So now I start to feel bad. Here I am, looking forward to nearly a week alone in my house (a much needed week so that I can work on my book) and I all of a sudden feel bad that I haven't volunteered to host the kids for a day so they can hang with their friends.
Isn't this house just as much their house as it is mine? Obviously, they don't pay the mortgage, but by default, Dad's house = their house, right?
I feel like I'm at an emotional crossroads. I look forward to my time alone when I need to get something big accomplished and having the kids over gets in the way of that. On the other hand, if my own Stepdad would have told me that he didn't want me in the house for a weekend, I would have been devastated.
Ladies, what's your opinion on this? Does Dad's House become an open house while he's away or is it Stepmom's (or Dad's wife's) house unless Dad is here.
Help!
11 comments:
I wasn't raised in a step family but I did raise one. One of the saddest things I always felt is that the kids never felt they had a home that was "thier" home. It was Dad's or Mom's. You have done a wonderful job in making the children feel that the both homes are thiers. Be proud! As the children grow older I can see them floating between both of their homes and it will feel natural for all of you.
Erin,
We have an open door in our home. My husband's older children are as welcome here as my own. The gotcha is my youngest stepson. We're custodial so he's with us 24/7, he's 17 and more issues than a comment block can handle. I struggle with the fact that when my husband deploys next year, I do not want Junior in my home. He'll be 18, graduated, and well...no...he's got a mom and if he's not ready for the world, he can go live with her. Ultimately, I know I will do the right things for the right reasons., but right now...I don't want him here.
I'm gonna confuse things now and say that you deserve your own time as planned. You do more than your fair share in raising the children that aren't your own. And much as they want to see their friends, YOU want to work on your book and being a martyr to the cause the whole time and not looking after your own needs and setting your own boundaries would likely lead to resentment, which leads to inner anger which leads to depression.
I do sometimes feel that kids are given too much decision making power these days as we all bend over backwards to keep them happy, but ultimately we are their parents and therefore its us that should be setting down how things are gonna be not them.
You'd be well within your rights to tell them that you're sorry, but you've made plans for the week.
LBM xxx
I think this is totally dependent on the situation with the ex. I've offered to watch The Kid when my husband is otherwise engaged and The Ex would rather cancel her plans than let her son over with just me. It's nice on one hand, because I'm not expected to do anything. But we really have tried to make our house a home for The Kid and she isn't keen on that idea.
Also because of her behavior, we won't give The Kid a key to our house. Though we would be perfectly fine with him coming over (via bus etc.) whenever he pleases, her access to the key spells problems.
In a situation like yours, an open door policy sounds great. But with a bitter and vindictive ex, it really is hard to work out.
It's great that his kids want to hang out at your place, but if you have plans (even if said plans are "just" alone time for yourself) you shouldn't feel the need to change them so the kids can come hang out with their friends.
I'm a new reader of your blog and I completely agree with La Belle Mere.If you WANT to send time with them, do it... but if you feel guilty or feel you have to, don't. You'll resent it later when it's taken for granted.
Mom isn't capable of arranging for playtime for the kids with the friends that are in your neighborhood while they're at her house??
Mom is capable as are the kids (at least the one with the cell phone) to make a call to arrange time to hang. It's more my concerns that I'm alienating the kids and potentially making them feel unwelcome by not having them over when they mention wanting to hang out with friends.
Maybe let the Birth Mom know that you need some time without kids to work on your project. Let her know that you don't want the kids to feel unwelcome. If she's as great as you say, she'll understand and may want the same thing sometime.
You deserve alone time but good luck NOT feeling guilty!
Hi Erin! My name is Carolyn and I recently did an interview with Jacque Fletcher and she pointed me to your blog. I blog about being a grown up child of divorce and she said you do the same sometimes.
I love reading from stepmoms who are children of divorce as well. I think it gives you a sensitivity towards both your stepchildren and their biological mother that you wouldn't otherwise have. It's so interesting.
But this question you ask is a difficult one. It's amazing the relationship you have forged with your stepchildren and I completely understand you wanting them to continue feeling that your home is their home too (bravo for achieving that). But remember that although you want them to feel that way, there is a visitation schedule in place. And changes to the schedule should really be because it benefits you all as co-parents not simply because of the kids 'wants'.
Giving too much power over to kids isn't wise. It's up to you and their other co-parents to decide what decisions they are ready and entitled to make and which ones they are not. They may be upset but they would also be upset if they wanted to go out until all hours of the night with friends and you said no too.
You are a person entitled to your time and plans too. But you need to do what you feel is right for you and your family (notice I put you first). And of course this question will come up over and over as the kids grow. Once they can drive, for example. This is a topic that isn't set in stone forever.
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