There are moments in my stepparenting life where I feel like an anomaly. An anomaly, if you're not familiar with the word, is a "deviation from the common rule" (or at least that's what my good friends Merriam and Webster say). To me, it means being the friendly Stepmom who not only befriended the kids' mom but sought out the friendship.
While I read a lot of stepmoms' angry responses to the treatment they receive from their kids' bio-mom, I can't help but feel left out. I sit in the opposite camp: my kids' mom and I are chums. Bosom buddies if you will. In fact, if I had a major health issue and my husband and mom weren't here, she'd be one of the people I'd turn to in an emergency.
It's strange, but true. We're not only friendly, but friends and it almost feels weird.
I've written (what almost feels ad nauseum) about being the exception to the rule and other such ideas about stepmoms who buck the wicked trend. It breaks my heart to read about women -- whether they be bio- or step- moms -- who have such tyrannical responses to one another all because one or both women have their feelings hurt.
I don't mean to sound all Mother Theresa like here, but I've had my feelings hurt plenty of times by my husband, the kids and their mom and you know what -- I got over it. The world doesn't revolve around me and I don't expect it to. I want some peace and harmony, not drama, and so I choose to swallow my pride sometimes and learn to compromise. And you know what, it works for me.
Being friends with my kids' mom does cause me concern. Ironically, my concern has to do with how it comes across to other Stepmoms: am I a stepmom superfreak because I've "befriended the ex' and actually have proposed going on a family vacation with her next summer? Am I a Sally McWeirdo because I invite her over for dinner or plan birthday parties with her? I can never tell and it makes me feel self-conscious.
I came across Wednesday Martin's blog post today about befriending the ex and I felt so out of place after reading it that I felt the urge to leave a comment. Wednesday responded with comforting words, but as I read and reread other's comments, I still felt a little strange, like I was picked out of the class as the "different" one even if that difference was a positive thing.
Ladies, whether you're friends with the ex, indifferent or hate her, do you ever feel like a stepmom superfreak?
5 comments:
Hi Erin,
I am also friendly with the Mom in our life - we all go out for my step-daughter's birthday dinner, we all attend parent teacher conferences, we all get together on national holidays.
We see a lot of each other and while we don't always agree and I sometimes wonder where a particular decision came from as it differs so much from my own way of thinking, I wouldn't change things for the world. I am respected for my part in my SD's life, I and my opinion are valued as a member of this extended family and I think she is an awesome Mom who always puts her kid first and always fights her corner.
The great thing, the best thing, about all of this is that my SD sees us all as one big family (she really does, refers to us as a family of 4!) and couldn't be happier or more well adjusted because of the situation we have going.
I think you and the bio-mom should be very proud of the relationship you have created and I'm sure your kids are much better off for it.
Hope we aren't all that weird, all that exceptional - maybe you just don't hear about women like us because we don't feel the need to vent as much, anything we need to get off our chests can be sorted out pretty quickly with a moan to a friend! Then I move on as holding a grudge seems to benefit no-one as far as I can see. I know how lucky I am to have things this way however.
Keep up the good work, you are creating a great model for your kids!
Best wishes. :-)
I feel like a superfreak too! But for the opposite of reasons. No matter what crap The Ex pulls (and she's been malicious to the point of me almost losing my job) I just want her to like me. I don't speak to her or interact at all (it's only brought trouble), but it drives me crazy that her son is such a central part of both of our lives and she desperately avoids eye contact when we're in the same vicinity. Even though she's been more horrible to me than anyone else I've ever encountered, I wish she would recognize that I am a good person and at least say hello. I mean, we shop at the same market, go to the same gym, work on the same street, live 7 minutes apart. Everyone tells me I'm crazy for wanting her to like me (including my husband). But it's so exhausting not to get along...I'm willing to forget and move on.
I guess I'm like you, and The Ex is the opposite. Therefore EWO=Freak.
Thanks for this post...looking forward to reading the comments.
Erin,
If your a super freak, then so am I. Read my post on The Wedding. As soon as I have the photos, I have pictures of me and BM standing together with the Bride. We sat next to each other, holding hands and crying together. When Richard was dancing with his daughter, me, BM and BM's mom were standing together, sniffling, trying to get pictures, we couldn't so we just hugged.
I'm going to BM's Labor Day party on Saturday. She's coming to my oldest daughter's wedding in October. And we've got another daughter to plan a wedding for in July (and a graduation party for Junior!)
I vacation with HER family.
It's all weird. But it's all Good!
I'm not really friends with the BM, but she's not really a big pain towards me either. I've read a lot of horror stories also and I consider myself lucky my skiddos BM isn't like that. In that aspect I feel like an outsider as well, but in a good way. The only issue (knock on wood) we have is the BM doesn't work and expects us to pay for everything.
Hi Erin
I saw Wednesday's blog post, and your comment, and hers!! I think that being the exception to the norm in a good way is a good thing.
Some stepmums try and try and to "get on" (like me) but have the occasional wobble. Some just don't try at all.
Everybody's situation is completely different to, with different personalities involved and different arrangements in place. That will undoubtedly effect the dynamics.
I think that your BM is very lucky to have somebody who tries as hard as you in her life.
Keep up the good work!
LBM xxxx
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