After I wrote the post about the idea of quitting my life, I still went on to contemplate it some more. I thought about how freeing it would feel to not have the responsibilities that contribute to my depression.
I thought about what it would be like to be able to come home every night to just a place full of cats with whatever foods in the pantry I wanted. I thought of how wonderful it would be to be able to hit the gym on the way home or to go out with friends on a school night.
I thought about how organized my single girl pad would be (again) and how any messes would be mine.
As tempting as all of that sounded to me, what stopped me -- what has always stopped me -- is that I couldn't imagine my life not being what I am right now.
For every stress it brings me, being a Stepmom is part of who I am. It's what's prompted me to create sites like Stepchicks and the Stepfamily Letter Project which help out other stepmoms like me.
Being a stepmom has made me such a better person I'm not sure I could stand who I'd be without my stepmotherhood.
Despite their not coming out of my womb, my stepkids are my kids. If I wasn't part of their life, I would miss them terribly. I don't plan on trying to have kids again and I really, truly hope to watch these kids grow into adults.
If I quit my life, I would lose a friend in my husband's ex-wife. I would lose a person who knows what it's like to be married to my husband and whose family likes me.
If I quit my life, I would lose my wonderful in-laws whom are the best I could ask for.
If I quit my life, my husband wouldn't be in it (at least not in a good way). We have our ups and downs and our marriage is far from perfect, but we have an odd synchronicity about us that I have yet to find with anyone else. I dated a lot of guys before my husband and he's the only one who really gets my sense of humor.
If I quit my life, I wouldn't have the people in it that make it worth being who I am.
1 comment:
Erin,
Your stresses are almost exactly those of ANY mother step or not. All mothers and wives feel that they'd like to run away and just be themselves and not be responsible for any other people. I'm so glad that you've discovered the richness in being needed (even if the family won't know it until they grow up) Again ALL mothers and wives feel unappreciated at one time or another. The trick is to have the confidence in yourself to know that "this too shall pass" It looks like you do.
Keep it up
Helen
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