You've seen the commercials, right? The ones with the lonely, sad looking people barely managing to live and their loved ones looking on with near horror or contempt.
For the past few months, I've been one of those sad looking people.
I have depression.
I suppose you could say I suffer from it, but like Cancer -- its second cousin once removed -- I have it and I try to do things to keep it from having me.
Obviously, the tone of my posts for the past few months has been somber. I've been lost in Depressionland and most of my tour guides have been women who have a vested interest in getting me out alive.
Obviously, that vested interest is a good thing. It's saved me from sitting in the garage with the car on when I've felt like I couldn't go on. It's saved me from cutting my arms to pieces when the pain felt like more than I could bear.
People have asked me why I don't talk to a doctor about this; why my husband doesn't insist or encourage me to go to the doctor's office to get checked out.
My reasons are simple yet sad: this depression is hereditary. I have it, my mom has it, my grandmother has it and I'm sure her mother did too. We've all pulled through our darkest days with amazing strength which is why I know I'll be okay.
I also cannot afford to treat my depression the way it should be treated. Most people's response to this is "You can't afford not to." That's probably true, except right now, my paychecks need to go toward groceries and the heating bill and not healing what has been a repetitive issue my entire life.
I refuse to take medication for this depression. I've been prescribed it once and I felt like hell. Never again. I'm eccentric and cool and the drugs made me sound and feel like a stoner.
I do have the phone number for the mental health line for my health insurance. Some day, I plan to call it and get my assessment taken care of so at least I can begin finding a therapist. But I hold myself back because something else, something bigger, always seems to get in the way of my seeking treatment.
During these cold winter months, I'm a shell of my exuberant self. I'm no where near as happy and alive as I am when it's warm. I'm not the best wife, the best stepmom or the best daughter when I'm depressed.
I am what I am.
I am depressed.
6 comments:
Erin, we love you. Hang in there!
Erin, I'm one of the friends that tells you to call your MD anyway. If it has been a long time since you've had meds for depression you MUST try again. The scientific community is making huge progress with new treatments for depression. Saying you can't afford it is an excuse (and I think you know it) You owe it to yourself and your family, including your mother who you say also suffers from depression. It is just too painful to try to muddle through on your own. It would be like a diabetic not taking insulin. You just need the correct medication and dosage.
We DO love you and care and only want to you feel better.
Your Friend,
Helen
I agree with Helen. I hate to quote Star Trek, but truly Mental Health is constantly breaking boundaries and "going where no man, or woman, has gone before". Not only do they constantly find new things, but there are countless therapies to try, some including pills, and some without. As someone who has been on the fringes of this issue with post-partum, I feel that you owe it to yourself to feel better. Medication worked for me-not that it was a solution to depression-I still get anxious and sad. But the pills gave me the mechanisms to cope with these feelings and find my own solution. They are just a boost-not a long-term solution. You deserve to be happy just as much as the next joker-why not be that joker!?!?! I am not very good on the internet, but maybe there are some naturalistic/holistic ways that might help? I don't know what is out there, but it beats feeling like you do, and I know that at least because I have been to Depressionland, even if it ws a different city. you are a great person-you deserve to feel that way too.
Not letting depression have you is a tough journey, especially when the seasons play a role in it too. Your commitment to keeping depression from having you is commendable, and I wish you success as you make your way out of Depressionland.
I was on anti-depression meds a couple of times, and while they helped the depression itself, I've never been happy with the quality of my life while I'm on them. However, when I make the effort to do the other things that help keep me on a more positive path (exercise, making good food choices, getting enough sleep, etc.), I find that it's easier for me to find my way back to even footing, and I'm happier doing it that way than I would be with pills.
I'm just surfing through but very very happy that you are not taking meds. Everyone goes through depression in some stage or at some level - it's just not human nature to be happy ALL THE TIME. Yes, you can take man made chemicals to change the natural chemicals in your brain but finding your way through on a personal path works too.
Usually there are layers and you have to peel them layer by layer to get to the source. But then, the sun comes out and things clear up.
Our medical establishment has no idea how to treat people anymore - instead they grab the nearest prescription pad. We have a country on so much medication that our sewers are full of chemicals from our pee! LOL.
Hang in there! Look for that sunlight! :)
Of course everyone gets depressed at some time or another in ones life. But when it gets to the point you can't get out of it or you are feeling suicidal (and Erin did say that) the medical doctors needs to be consulted. DO NOT TRY TO DO THIS BY YOURSELF!!!!
Your friend and admirer,
Helen
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