Another turning point...

I sometimes feel like my life is the movie of the week and I'm sitting on the couch watching it; able to predict what's going to happen next.

I suppose that happens when you make monumental decisions. I haven't grasped the enormity yet of what deciding to not have kids means to me. In the short term, it means peaceful, kid-free weekends every other week and trips to Oregon, Austin and France all within 3 months. In the long term, it means not passing my genetic code on to anyone else or any hand-me-down memories I may have wanted to preserve within my own biological child. It means my last will and testament will list my cat as my sole remaining heir.

My friendships have changed, too. People I used to talk to every other day I barely hear from now. Marriages, kids, relationships and new jobs will do that. I'm entering that next phase in my life, the one where I have friends that I'll do girls' weekends with on the shore...even if the closest shore is Lake Michigan. I read about those girls' weekends in magazines. They always sound so divine.

In my relationships, I've turned into the person that says "yes, okay" all the time. It's easier to do that right now than to argue. Fighting takes too much energy. I don't mention my haircuts or my career highs because I'm tired of being disappointed when others aren't as quick to notice or get as excited as I do. I've kept things to myself lately because it's easier that way. Most people don't notice that you've stopped mentioning those things. They weren't listening anyway.

I've developed this acute illness that drags me down, makes me really tired and achey in my chest a lot of the time. It's only been a couple of weeks, but I feel much older than my 32 years. It's probably just indigestion, but it feels like heart disease. Luckily, I have a doctor's appointment on Monday.

This isn't the Erin I'll be in 5 years or in 10. It's a phase I'm going through. Yes kids, even in your 30s you go through phases. I'll look back at this time in my life and remember when I could feel the clock ticking, slowly, as I waited for my next phase of life to begin.

I can see things about myself that I know won't be the same. Whether I chose to change them now or later is up to me; it's all part of that turning point...To borrow the words from the guys in Green Day:

"Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time"

random philisophical question

If you get your hair cut on Friday and no one says anything about the change throughout the day on Monday, did you really change your style?

Discuss

Super Erin

Guess this proves it; I am Superwoman :-)

Check out this website: www.befunky.com (it's hilarious!)

For a good time, Call...

As I write this my husband is out with the Geek Squad that has been in town for a Microsoft event. This is the same group of people who we had over on Wednesday (all 24 of them); the same group he ate dinner with last night and the same group he's been to Orlando and Seattle with in the past few months.

I think -- no, I know -- the Geek Squad has been on more social outings with my husband than I have this year.

The Geek Squad is dating my husband.

Seriously ladies, my husband has gotten more social action than I have this year and he's the introverted one. This madness has to stop.

I live in a town that people only drive down to once or twice a year because so suburban, it's exurban. My closest friends here are my husband, his ex-wife and her sister. This town is hardly the epicenter of fun. There's no downtown, no coffee bars and no bookstores and, frankly, not a heck of a lot of culture.

I need to join a group; I need to find people like myself who want to hang out and just veg. I need friends that have really good babysitters or no kids at all so that they can go out at the flip of a cell phone.

It's these reasons why I can't wait to go down to Austin to meet up with my fellow stepmom bloggers. Women, much like myself, who are out for a relaxing, good time.

We meet again

It's been a year since we had anything to do with one another. I threw you away like a cheap suit this time last summer, hoping that I wouldn't need you for a while.

Our year apart has been one of growth -- I discovered how much our 17-year history meant to me; how much I needed you in my body to make me feel normal.

I came to a realization a couple of months ago that I wanted you again; my sanity needed you and depended on you. I thought I could hold out until the end of summer, but I can't.

I'll see you every morning right after I brush my teeth. I'll eagerly slide you into my mouth and down my throat every morning, faithfully, knowing full well that because of you, I'll get to be a little more selfish with my time, my money and my marriage.

Because of you, I'll get to go on trips and buy great pieces of art if I want. Because of you, we'll taste freedom in 12 years instead of 18.

I thought I'd be sad to see you again, but I'm not.

Welcome back my little birth control pill. Welcome back.

A letter to my future self...

Dear future self,
You look stunning. I'm glad you decided to start moisturizing your neck because the rest of your 57-year-old friends look like alligators. Your hair is fabulous and I'm glad you finally found a style and a color you feel comfortable with.

What did you think of those 30s? I know you got off to a rough start and I'm really sorry about that bad patch when you turned 37. Your health had been pretty good up until that point in time; I'm glad you and ACE remembered that life is too short to hold on to petty things.

Aren't you glad you decided to invest in your 401k instead of hire an interior decorator? Could you imagine having to work past your 47th birthday? It's been 10 years since you wore a suit (except for the lovely jade green number at our stepdaughter's wedding).

Good choice on your's and ACE's business decision; the company is making more now than you both could have ever imagined. ACE is a smart guy and knew when to open his own consulting company. Who knew the industry luminaries would follow us to Montana? We're building a library for all of ACE's books. The guy has done more speaking engagements than Bill Gates (which reminds me, must RSVP to Melinda's fundraiser).

The kids couldn't be better. Our stepdaughter's bakery just won a coveted award and she's just had her first child. Her husband is a computer guy just like her dad. They're flying out to see us in a few weeks and we can't wait to do our girls' weekend. Our stepson...He's just married and has the most adorable stepdaughter. He's a great stepdad and an even better husband. He does have some of his father's habits though (couldn't we have done a better job with the public displays of flatulence?). It's a good thing he can hold it in. Senators who fart don't often get re-elected.

You've travelled the world and are getting ready to enter French Pastry School at the suggestion of your stepdaughter. Would you have ever dreamed of attending school...in Paris? The Italian course in Florence was a great 40th birthday trip as was the tour of the Greek islands and then the Mediterranean cruise back home.

You should get to sleep soon. You'll find that sleep is your ally and that your bed is a haven.

Sweet Dreams my future self. Enjoy your life.

An ode to nerdy glasses

My eyeglasses are one of the things that my husband found irresistible about me when we first met. Their Tina Fey-esque quality implied I had a brain and wasn't afraid to use it.

I got those glasses 8 years ago. I know it was 8 years ago because I got my eyes checked yesterday and they had on record my last visit. Apparently in those 8 years, my astigmatism has worsened... a lot.

Because I can't work all day (especially for a week) without my glasses, I put in an order for new frames with my newer, stronger prescription. Deciding what frames to go with was a laughable experiment of trial and error. I wanted to retain my nerdy quality (despite what my stepdaughter thinks or says about nerds and geeks) but also wanted something that would complement my chipmunk cheeks.

After 30 minutes of trying on 80 different pairs of eyeglasses, I settled on a pair of dark brown, thick-rimmed cat-eyed cuties. Nerdy-chic is what I call them. I hope they look stunning once I have them on for good.

I did discover yesterday that cat-eyed glasses and little rectangles are the only kinds of frames that do my face justice. I think I've now shaved years of my glass-trying-on life knowing that.

I will try to get a picture of moi with my new glasses on so everyone can tell me if I'm smoking crack or not.

Vegetarian Experiment | Day 2

I'm giving myself props for keeping up with my resolution to convert to vegetarianism/fish-atarianism. I've managed to conquer several hurdles where I would have normally ordered a meat dish, yet I chose a meatless option:

-- Last night, dinner with a friend. Ordered edaname and summer rolls wrapped in rice paper with Asian noodles and sprouts

-- Today, for lunch, treated myself to Chipotle. Rather than the chicken bowl I normally snarf down, I went with black beans, lettuce and the medium salsa to kick it up a notch.

I'm 2 days down 19 to go to convert a try into a habit...so far so good. Even my skirt felt a little loose today.

My science experiment | Take 2

Perhaps it was my self-loathing that did it; maybe it was the massage yesterday that made me nauseous; it could have been the article I posted online today about the topic, but I have a startling confession to make:

I am becoming a vegetarian

I should say, I'm going to try to live a vegi/fish-itarian lifestyle for as long as I can this summer and see if it sticks.

I've never been a big fan of the meatless life, but too many things have come across my peripheral lately to keep me on the same food path I've been on.

So far, I've managed to maintain a meatless diet today. So long as I can manage to avoid turkey sandwiches and grilled chicken (my favorite meats), I should be well off. I just need to stick with this for three weeks and then, with any luck, it will be a habit.

I'll keep you posted on my progress.

For now, I've got to turn in and get my beauty rest.

Funny face

This is me.

This picture was taken at Thanksgiving. I'm sandwiched between my brother and sister, whom you obviously don't see, but I'm the oldest and the shortest of the three of us.

I have never liked pictures of myself. My chipmunk cheeks, extra chins and droopy left eye have always left something to be desired. I can count on one hand how many pictures of me I actually like.

I look at this picture and ones like it and wonder how did I get so fat? That's closely followed up with why hasn't my healthier eating lifestyle shown any improvements on my body?

I have impressed myself lately with my somewhat successful attempts to be healthier. I rarely drink alcohol, eat moderately and eat healthy, non-fried foods; I also try to exercise at the gym at least 3 times a week and do work around the house that would constitute a workout at least another 2 days a week.

So why am I still fat?

When my mom told me about her problems with her thyroid (and possible cancer), I immediately started looking online. I admit at first it was self-serving. I was curious how much of what she could have was hereditary. According to several sites I've consulted, you run a 50% chance of getting Thyroid cancer if a parent had it; the percentage goes up a little more if it's your mom.

The list of symptoms relating to thyroid problems sounded eerily familiar to my own life:

Symptoms of Hypothyroidism (An underactive thyroid)

fatigue, exhaustion

feeling run down and sluggish

depression

difficulty concentrating, brain fog

unexplained or excessive weight gain

dry, coarse and/or itchy skin

dry, coarse and/or thinning hair

feeling cold, especially in the extremities

constipation

muscle cramps

increased menstrual flow

more frequent periods

infertility/miscarriage

I'd say out of that list, I've had all but three of those symptoms in the last year or so.

For the longest time, I've assigned myself the blame for my chubby, cute girl next door appearance (as opposed to the SMILF I aspire to be.) I was skinny once in my 20s but that was because I starved myself. Once I started eating I gained the weight and then some. It's interesting to know that heredity might have played a bigger role in my attempts to be attractive than I realized.

And, as an aside, I know beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I do not suffer from low self-esteem nor do I deny myself pleasurable things because I think I'm dog ugly. I'm just not satisfied with my appearance and believe it could be improved.

Me, my pole and my return to pole dancing classes

I'm thinking of getting back into my pole dancing classes. I've not done one for a few months now mostly because I felt to flabby and unsexy, but I think I need that extra oomph in my step again.

The pole my husband gave me for Christmas rests in the middle of my basement along with the rest of the workout equipment I thought I'd try and still sometimes use.

I just can't get myself to committ to signing up. "I'll do it this Fall" I keep telling myself, convinced that I'll come into a windfall that will set me up in pole dancing classes for life.

To pole or not to pole...that is my question