Facebook can be stupid sometimes

To anyone and everyone of my friends on Facebook....

I accidently sent you a poster. I didn't mean to. I don't normally mass e-mail lists like that.

forgive me?

I just recovered from the plague

HOLY
CRAP

My body was taken over last week by a plague so unrelenting and fierce that I swear I was almost left for dead.

I was a snot in every sense of the word last week. My teeth ached, my eyeballs ached, even my toes ached. My wonderful, wonderful mother had the good sense to call me on Thursday, tell me I sounded like hell and that I needed to get some meds. Which I finally did. I've been on the good antibiotics since Thursday and the plague has since jettisoned off to some other poor soul.

Not only am I feeling better now, but I've also done pretty well lately with working out and eating healthier. Last week was a total wash workout-wise, but I worked like a dog on Saturday and Sunday, spending 4+ hours of hard labor sanding, scraping and painting my deck (on top of 30 min. morning workouts) and then went to the gym with my dear old husband yesterday.

I can almost hear my heart and my lungs singing hallelujah as I write.

Pleeeasssseee bring back the baby doll dress while you're at it

First I heard that NKOTB tickets were going on sale. Then, today, I saw a preview of the next generation of 90210.

Please, please, please tell me that the styles of the early 1990s are coming back, too.

Seriously. I loved that look. I was that look. I've longed for its return. If I see a pair of Doc Martens or chunky Mary Janes, I'm reverting back to my high school style of dress and holding on to it for dear life.

Say Cheese

I just learned a few hours ago that my presence is requested at a photo shoot tomorrow. I'm being officially "shot" for my new job.

Under normal circumstances I would be fretting a little; I never look good in photos, especially official-looking ones. This one, however, presents an even bigger problem because I've been sicker than sick for the past few days.

Apparently, I get an annual knock-me-and-my-body-out cold and this one came early. As I write this, I'm sitting at the kitchen counter with Puffs Plus (with Vicks Vapo-enhanced softness) firmly planted in my nostrils. As if they weren't attractive enough, my eyes are puffy and my skin dry and dull.

In other words, I'll look positively stunning tomorrow.

Should we get a dog and other things going on around here lately

In the past few weeks, I've gotten it in my head that we should get a dog. Not a big dog, just a cute little dog-version of our precocious cat Puppy Cat (yes, that's his name and that's his picture over to the left).

I think a lot of women who discover that can't have children of their own do this, especially with dogs. You can walk a dog, you can dress up a dog, you can take dogs places...you just can't do that with a cat.

I've pitched the idea to my husband and have even mentioned it to the kids. I'm in love with Shi Tzu's right now and think that their personality type would fit in well with our family. We've figured out a name; actually, we've always had two pet names on stand by -- Carl Sagan and Ronald Regan (my husband's favorite thinkers).

The doggy hold up has to do with our current pet situation: we have two cats right now but the older cat is on his last legs and loves to use our dining room and formal living room as his litter box. For years I've been cleaning up after his messes and I just don't think that doing that and training a new dog would cause me to stress less.

So we will probably wait until the old cat dies and promptly get a new dog. Everyone seems keen on the idea. Even my husband gets a little glimmer in his eye when I talk about it. I love that glimmer; it gives me hope.

*****

Elsewhere in Erinland, my new job is going well. I had a rough start but have grown to like my new digs. My summer hours start next Friday and I love the option of wearing jeans every day. I also feel fairly rockin' covering two websites when I was only hired for one.

*****

My mother is going through a health scare right now which she's not really scared about, but has me a little on edge. The big "C" might have finally hit my branch of the family tree, but according to my mom, her's (if she has it) would be the least lethal kind. It's also hereditary and would explain a lot of things that she and I have both dealt with health-wise.

Do stepmothers have the right to speak up about a Mother's Day snub?

As a stepmother, I'm never really sure where to draw the line with Mother's Day.

Am I justified if I'm upset because my stepchildren don't wish me a happy Mother's Day? Am I justified in wishing my husband would remind them that stepmom would like some sort acknowledgement?

Or, because I'm not the real mom, should I just keep my mouth shut to my stepkids and husband and just go about my business, potentially letting this fester throughout the year (the way I have about my non-birthday this year).

I know my husband was thinking about me this weekend. He made me a card (which has become our new family project -- card making) and let me do my thing on Sunday even if he didn't understand why I needed to get the cute flowers painted on my toes or why I needed to watch The Devil Wears Prada for the 100th time.

He also forwarded me this article on Friday which explains that stepmothers need love too on Mother's Day. He acknowledged that my feelings would likely be hurt when at T-Ball my stepson grabbed only one rose to hand to his mother, "The T-Ball moms don't really know much about you so please don't take it personally."

But this Mother's Day has been tough on me. First there was the miscarriage and then the more recent revelation that my body just wasn't made for pregnancy. Taking care of someone else's kids when it's impossible to have your own and then having said kids or their mom not say thank you for it just feels like an additional kick in the uterus.

But I won't be bitter. There are far worse things in life than to not be doted on for an already thankless job.

I just have to remember a line from a great blog post I read recently

"No act of kindness you’ve done, no sequin you’ve sewn on, no cupcake you’ve baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can’t see right now what it will become.”

How I am spending Mother's Day

I have no idea.

My mom has to work and my husband hasn't mentioned if he'd planned anything. I'm going to bet that he hasn't and probably plans on spending the majority of the day coding something or playing Grand Theft Auto.

My ideal Mother's Day would include a manicure, a pedicure and a facial along with a Chipotle Burrito bowl for lunch (mustn't forget the chips and guac which I know are bad for me but oh so decadent) with the remainder of the day spent playing The Sims or catching up on movies. Of course, there's the required 6 p.m. trip to the gym pool where my husband and I usually walk laps or swim and then hop in the hot tub for 30 minutes.

***
I was incredibly sad on my way into work this morning. I got to thinking about the past year's events and how they will have undoubtedly made me a stronger person in the long run, but for now they just make me feel sad.

I'm sad over the fact that my body doesn't want to be pregnant and sad that there will never be "a little piece of immortality with [Aaron's] good looks and my sense of style."* I'm sad that my stepson can't make me a mother's day card at school this year and that my stepdaughter assumes there's no such thing as stepmother's day.

I think I cried a little thinking about all of this. It does make me sad and I try not to stress my friends and family out by talking ad nasueam about it. According to this CNN article, blogging about it has been as good as therapy which I find comforting given I'm contemplating finding a counselor to talk to.

(*if you can't remember what movie that's from, click here.)

No "O" mid

I called the doctor's office yesterday for the results of my Day 23 Progesterone blood test.

They didn't give me a number, rather they asked me how many milligrams of Clomid I'd been on this last cycle.

"150" I said with a tone of disappointment in my voice.

"Michelle (that's the nurse practitioner that's been my quasi-doctor during this whole trying-to-get-pregnant ordeal) thought you'd only been at 100 judging by these results; it looks like you didn't ovulate this month."

"Oh"

"The next step, according to Michelle, is to consider a fertility specialist," the nurse tells me with a tone of pity in her voice.

"Actually, that won't be necessary. I figured out a while ago this wasn't worth it and I'm just not willing to try any more. Can Michelle write me a prescription for birth control?"

The nurse tells me she's been through fertility treatments and knows how I feel.

Frankly, I don't think anyone knows how I feel. Being a stepparent who is trying to get pregnant is difficult. Being a stepparent to an angst-ridden pre-teen while you discover the fertility drugs don't work can be devastating.

Amid the screaming matches and the hurt feelings, you keep thinking in the back of your head that you never will get the legitimate Mother's Day card or the chance to raise a child with a value system all your own.

Lead, follow or get out of the way

True stories about a leader, a follower, and one stepmom that is figuring out how to get out of the way.

The Leader
My stepson loves his Nintendo DS. It's his companion at before- and after- school programs, at his dad's house, his mom's house, and every relative's house. It keeps his mind active and it keeps him entertained.

This year, the powers that be at his after school program decided to ban the portable gaming devices. Understandably, the kids were getting into fights over them and some people lost theirs.

My stepson would have none of that. He decided to start a petition which, once signed by every camper, would allow them to bring their gaming devices. He got the signatures and now he and his buddies get to bring their gaming devices.

This little guy, at six years old, doesn't mind stepping out of the drumline for a little while to try something. He doesn't really care what other people think of him and actually likes that people are impressed by his "big brain."

The Follower
"Honey, your mascara is smudged," my mother in law says to her, my stepdaughter, last week while she gets ready for school.

Her: "It's okay Nana. That's how everyone wears it."
M-I-L: "Do they not brush their hair either?"
Her: "This is how all the girls wear their hair at school"

Nevermind that the hair looks like it hasn't seen a comb in a couple of months nor do the mascara smudges look attractive. She looks like a pint-sized Amy Winehouse without the beehive hair. Okay, that's me being a little dramatic.

This conversation and countless like it have played out at our house in the past 6 months.

Us: "If you want to earn extra money, why don't you start your own healthy eating for kids website?"
Her: "Because everyone at school would think I was a nerd."
Us: "They won't think that when you make more money at 13 than their parents do"
Her: "Nah"

***
Us: "What's wrong with the purse you just got as a gift?"
Her: "It's not what the other girls are carrying"
Us: "Who cares?"
Her: "I do"

Get out of the Way
My husband and I trend toward the Lead personality type. We're both natural born leaders and while we'll never become the POTUS, we do tend to eschew convention and mark our own paths, everyone else be damned.

Can you guess which kid is higher up on our angel list right now?

My husband mentioned to me a few days ago that I needed to let go and stop taking everything my stepkids say so personally. If my stepdaughter has poor judgement in shoe choices, it's not my responsibility to get upset about it.

So I'm learning to let go and get out of the way. As a stepparent, you're sort of expected to be out of the way, the one on the sidelines cheering everyone else's choices on.

So here I sit, on the side, bemused by the lapses in poor judgement vowing not to get upset.

Is my daughter becoming anorexic?

I'd previously reported that my stepdaughter has developed an aversion to junk food. Whatever she may have liked 6 months ago, she turns her nose up to now.

Even with her grandparents here, she's sticking to her guns to not consume nary a chocolate bar, a Dorito or even a ham and cheese sandwich (foods she loved last year).

While I'm extremely grateful to have a daughter that loves healthy food, her reason for doing it is what scares me more.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I think she's doing it to control what she eats. Obviously, we all need that on some level, but at 11 years old, does she really need to worry about what a Dorito now will do to her body in 25 years?

I've started to wonder, too, if my concern (along with everyone else's) is what is stoking the fire. My mother-in-law, who is in town this week, mentioned that she might be doing it to get attention. I never thought of it that way, but I can see why that holds some merit.

After a few conversations with my M-I-L, I resolved to lay off the food talk for two weeks. If someone starts talking about food, how much someone eats of it, what they eat, etc. I'm diverting the topic. If, after two weeks she appears to be eating like her "normal" self, then this probably was just a phase. If, however, she's eating even less, then it's off to the library I go to find books on how to deal with this.

All of this talk about food and diets has really caused me to take a look at my own eating habits and my own views on foods. I read several healthy living blogs and many of them mention how they struggle with feeling thin or their food intake. I've started to wonder if my stepdaughter is perfectly fine and if it's me that has the problem.