I am quitting clomid. I am quitting trying to have a baby. I am quitting thinking about what being pregnant would have been like.
I, officially, quit.
I'm quitting, I've found, because I'm selfish.
A girl grows tired of only seeing one pink line on a pregnancy test month after month. I'd rather have my sanity back. I'd also like to travel and would like to sleep in -- or sleep naked -- on the weekends when kids aren't in the house. I like knowing what empty-nest syndrome feels like in my 30s. I like it when my husband goes out of town and I have the house to myself in the evenings because my stepkids are, rightfully, with their mom.
I am a selfish stepmom.
If I ever went to a counselor, I wonder if they'd tell me I'm merely deflecting my real feelings: that I'm in a deep state of denial about the infertility and have built a wall around my true feelings.
Wall or not, I'm moving on with my life....without my own biological children; and man does it feel liberating.
2 comments:
I don't think you're selfish at all.
Each person can only take on so much, and then we reach our breaking point. Those who don't pay attention to when that breaking point is, end up destroying themselves.
There is a big difference between self-preservation and selfishness. Making decisions about things that make you happy is self-preservation. Making decisions about things that make you happy and hurt others is selfishness.
How does your new outlook hurt anyone?
I wish I could sleep in...... ;)
I completely agree with Mrs.H, and couldn't have said it better myself.
:: hugs :: Your strength is always inspiring .
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