The culmination of events this past weekend has left me feeling lost and angry.
My feeling lost has to do with with my place in life. Before I'd gotten pregnant I was strictly Stepmom. I would stress out about the kids' mom not liking me or approving of the kinds of snacks I put in their lunch. If she thought my parenting was overkill, she'd tell my husband, I'd retreat a little and then step back up to the plate when she needed me to be the organized, detail-oriented one with the checkbook. It was slightly dysfunctional but it worked.
The second the stick turned positive, however, I made a vow to myself to turn my attention toward me; to not stress about the stupid little things like peanut butter snacks; and to become the vision of perfect pregnancy health. I was doing pretty well until last Tuesday. Then that part of my world came crashing down.
I was no longer carrier-of-soon-to-be-child/stepmother to two adorable kids. I was the lady you felt sorry for at Labor Day barbecues. Strong in my resolve to bounce back quickly, I planned to keep on my standard parenting track: be there through thick and thin and lend time, money or gas to accomplish all things relating to the kids.
Just as I'd started to put my bricks back in place, they came crashing down again. This time, it had to do with a matter relating to school. My husband and his ex had to make a tough decision about which school the kids should go to. The decision was made in April; I found out about it on Monday. I don't disagree with the decision; however, the result of it effectively pushes me out of the picture for the entire school year. This pleases the ex a great deal because any involvement I may have wanted to have would have screwed everything up for the kids and she knows I wouldn't do that.
I'm lost because I'm no longer the stepmom I was last school year; no longer a biological mom. I'm having a hard time making sense of everything that's happened. My not being able to find a comfortable place while we wait to get pregnant again has left me feeling angry. And I'm angry at the world.
My husband, thankfully, has been relatively patient and understanding although I'm sure he'll soon start to plead for me to return to my pre-miscarriage mental state. I don't know how to find my way back to that place though. I think it may be under construction or closed for good. I do know that I need to find a new place to mentally park myself until the next phase of life begins. I just hope it's a quick off ramp.