Christina's doing it.
Halle's doing it.
Nicole's doing it.
My entire journalism association board is doing it.
Heck, even my husband's buddy's wife who was practically divorced from her husband last year is doing it --
WHY CAN'T I BE PREGNANT?
It was hard enough to lose the pregnancy, but to now hear about everyone else who is pregnant is becoming almost too hard to bear.
I think what makes me feel more sad is that my husband and I have decided to hold off on even thinking about trying again until we can find peace within ourselves. Unlike those couples who start right away again after the miscarriage, we've come to the determination that if we can't find peace, we can't even begin to think about trying. My head knows this is the right choice; I just wish my heart would listen.
My husband made a great observation about my former pregnancy; something I wish I could intellectually wrap my head around more: I don't miss the embryo that wasn't even a fetus yet, I miss the idea of being pregnant and what it represented. I miss the new beginning that the pregnancy represented; the hope of a new experience.
I wish I could be happy for these people. Deep down I really am and wish them all the best, but for now, I just wish I could wrap myself up in protective bubble wrap so I don't have to see a pregnant woman, hear about a pregnant woman or see a small baby or child. They all remind me of what my husband and I lost and that makes me sad. Incredibly sad.
I wish I knew when this sadness would lift. Some days I feel like I'm doing better, some days I feel like I need Prozac. Every day I realize it's just me handling the grief and the hormones that are still surging throughout my body. I look forward to quieting the sadness that rages from my insides.
Right now, I just wish for peace; peace and quiet.
2 comments:
I learned of a miscarriage at 13 weeks -- it had happened at 9 weeks but only after stopping my post-IVF progesterone did my body let me know. I had been on the verge of telling my boss -- the coworker in the next cubicle was due Nov. 1 and I was due Jan 10. I was SO GLAD I hadn't told anyone because not only was the workday a break from all the anguish, but I had the feeling that if people "knew" then they'd be looking at me all the time and wondering how I felt. Especially as the coworker got bigger and bigger. She never knew a thing. And in fact, she is not the type to be waving ultrasound pix in your face or brag about getting pregnant easily. Had I told her she would probably have been very considerate but then she was already being pretty low-key.
On your topic, an internal promotion opened up that month, and I blew it off, partly due to being in miscarriageland. A couple of months later I was dragooned into the new position after they disliked the candidates they were seeing.
NOW I have a boss who is a) supportive of everyone's family needs and personal passions b) thinks I am "childfree" due to being 40 and childless, and I think has let some personal feelings slip to me that he would NEVER have said if he knew the truth. Such as referring to children as
"crotch-fruit." However if I got pregnant again and told him, there would be no problem.
My husband had told everyone he met about the pregnancy and so he had to un-tell them over and over, reliving the pain.
For those reasons as well as yours, I favor secrecy. Also, in your personal life when family and friends know about your infertility it becomes THE topic of every get-together. People with a dog in the fight (i.e. would-be grandparents) want updates, and other really want to be supportive so they bring it up. It becomes your life, itself.
I'm
-Bonnie
Oh, now I see I replied the wrong topic. On this one, I'm sympathetic to the "why is everyone else pregnant" anguish because I hear this complaint all the time. Fortunately I've never felt this particular pain. I know it's just the luck of the draw.
It's fortunate because what are these women supposed to do? I'd rather have them enjoying it than being awkward around me anyway, as long as they don't KNOWINGLY taunt a known infertile person.
I've heard horror stories where Sister A tries to drag (infertile) Sister B baby shopping, or worse, expects a her to give a baby shower and the family sides against the infertile person for raining on the parade. Again, I would personally enjoy baby shopping, the shower etc., but only because my specific infertility psychoses don't happen to take that particular form.
-Bonnie
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