Dear Mr. and Mrs. Highness

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Highness,
I'd like to lodge a complaint about the chores I am doing in this house. I am 14 years old and if you recall, this is not MY house. It is Kerry's house. I just live here because my mom does. I feel it is unfair that I have to do more chores than both of you do put together. Is there a way we can discuss the obvious unbalanced workload that is my chores versus yours. If you do not do something about my chores, I will just stop doing them and then WHO will clean your house then?

Regards,
Erin

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The letter you've just read above was an actual letter from me to my parents when I was 14. I'd just moved up from the only town I'd ever lived in to live with my mom and stepdad in a really small town 2 hours away.

I hated having so many new chores to do. While my father may shown his love through his Gold Amex, my stepfather felt like showing me he cared by giving me a sense of responsibility.

And I hated it.

I believe I penned this letter after I'd gotten in trouble for not sweeping around the kitty litter well enough. It seemed like I was always getting in trouble for things relating to cleaning. I wasn't paying enough attention to the details when I dusted or vacuumed or I just forgot to clean something all together.

For most of my teens I resented my stepdad -- and my mom on some level -- for making me do all of these chores. I felt like I'd suffered enough, what, with having to move away from my friends and make new ones. When you're a teen-ager that feels like a fate worse that death.

And so I resorted to the best means of communication I had -- penning a letter. (It's funny how my fondness for pouring out my soul on a page has never changed.) I left the letter on my parent's bed and waited for them to come and apologize to me and admit they'd been burdening me with too many chores.

I was preparing to accept their apology when I heard a "ERINNNNNNNN" come from upstairs. Apparently my letter didn't go over as I'd hoped and I was stuck doing just as many chores as before.

My parents like to remind me of this letter when I, as a stepmom, am belly-aching about how the kids never seem to be as keen on doing the chores around this house as I am. In fact, the Dear Mr. and Mrs. Highness letter has become a family joke.

When I'm bottling the urge to voice my frustration about kids and chores, I'm reminded that I hated them myself. Ironically, or perhaps it's symbolic, I credit my stepdad for making me the must-keep-a-clean-house person I am today. If it weren't for his constant reminders to sift the kitty litter, put away the dishes, wash the deck, take out the trash, etc. I probably would have been a lazier grown-up and a worse role model for my own stepkids.

So Mr. Highness, one last word: Thanks

I know why the stepkid screams

We just found out my husband's project is being extended until the end of September.

As his wife, it's not the words I was longing to hear. I was hoping for something along the lines of "see you next week honey!"

We'll all get to see him a few times between now and the end of his project, but it won't ever feel like enough for me. I can't even imagine what the kids feel like.

***********

My stepkids and I are kindred spirits. We're both the product(s) of divorced parents and both have fathers that have been (at times) physically or mentally distant.

Life is tough enough when you've got a nuclear family with your father cozying up to your mom nearly every night. Zits happen; cats puke and hormones must rage. It's enough to drive you (the kid) and everyone around you ape shit crazy.

Now consider for a second that you've subtracted Dad from your "normal" equation.

That leaves you with k + m - d = ?

Now, add on at least one more parent to that equation (stepmom).

You've now got k + m - (d + s) = ?

Are you following me?

Now, add on a stepfather and a couple of extra stepmom-wanted-to-have-babies kids

You're now at (m + x) + (d + s) x 2 = k + ?

I don't know about you, but I hated math in school. Just writing those equations gave me the ebbie-jeebies. Imagine being the kid in the equation.

On Stepchicks, I see a lot of stepmoms wondering how to get along better with their kids' bio moms, soon-to-be husbands and in-laws. Every once in a while, you'll see a question about how to deal with stepkid issues, but not nearly as often.

I wonder how many Stepmoms stop to think about how crazy-making this family equation might be for the kids. Particularly young(er) kids. If you feel like acting out when your husband or his ex makes a request you're not too fond of, wouldn't it stand to reason that your stepkids might act similarly?

I'm not suggesting you surrender control if your stepdaughter starts using your jewelry without asking or your stepson's memory lapses particularly as it relates to the placement of his dirty underwear, but at least give them a second chance and remember they got shafted in this deal too.

*for the record, this is also my 500th post. :-)

I left my heart in San Francisco

This past weekend, I took a break from my stepmom duties to visit my husband on the West Coast. It was such a great trip it actually hurt my stomach to come back (just ask the bottle of Pepto I've been chugging for the past 24 hours).

It felt almost orgasmic to get to see my husband alone. We didn't have kids or cats asking for our attention. Instead, we paid attention to each other. We did things like we used to do when we were dating: walking around, eating out, contemplating politics and life.

It's weekends like these that remind me what I love about my husband: his sense of adventure, his patience when he knows I am doing something out of my comfort zone, his god-awful love of road trips.

We had a good time which was a wonderful break from some of the tougher times we'd been going through lately. Up until a few weeks ago, our ever after wasn't winding up as happy as I'd hoped. The struggles of trying to be a bi-coastal blended family had taken its toll and we were arguing more than we were saying I love you.

Darn near any step/blended family book will tell you that you've got to have your spouse on your side in order to face all of the crap that blended family life throws at you. When you and your spouse are at odds, then everything seems messier and far more complicated.

Seeing my husband again was like seeing him him again for the first time. He was excited to see me and I him. We were nearly like love birds. I would have almost made myself puke we were almost that cute.

I decided after this weekend that what my husband and I needed -- what a lot of couples need -- is to take a weekend and just stop being the two stressed out souls you are during the week. Lose yourself while you discover new things or new places with this guy you vowed to "love, honor and cherish 'til death do you part...."

For me and for now, I'm going to swallow my Pepto, call my husband and count the days until we get to see each other again...

Blogcation

My dearest lovelies -- I'm heading out pretty soon to visit my husband out West.

I'm soooooooo looking forward to this time with him and want to saturate myself with as much couple time as I can get. I'm self-banning any non-essential to-do's for the next week.

Basically, I'm going to have to quit you -- for a week.

I (or this blog) is taking a blogcation until July 6. I know I have been light on my posting the past few days but I promise to come back with a vengeance.

Wish me lucky and fun ladies! My husband awaits...

Do you see what I see?

I feel like a big, fat blob.

These are harsh and unhealthy words to dish out and I try to keep them to myself. If this past year has taught me anything, it's that we are so much more than how we look on the outside.

Despite being proud of what I've done in this life so far, I practically disowned it this past Saturday when I wasn't able to do an invert in my pole dancing class.

You see, I haven't been able to do an invert for the past 6 weeks. And I know the reason why: I've gained back 20 pounds and my body doesn't have the strength it takes to hoist itself upside down.

Nevermind that I can climb the same 10-foot pole and spin tricks around it. The fact that I can't invert has me beating myself up.

I never realized what an emotional eater I was until this year. I'm drowning feelings of loneliness and exhaustion with ice cream sandwiches and Kashi bars.

Many people have recommended I lose the sweets and throw more low-fat fare into my pantry, but all I'm going to tell you is that I can't for reasons which I won't get into on this blog. In fact, my pantry has to be filled with full-fat everything just in case the kids need to have dinner, make lunch, etc. at my house some night.

Despite all of the good things in my life right now, all of this alone time has left me feeling lonely. I'm filling the loneliness with food because it's available to hang out with me whenever I need it unlike a lot of my friends who have husbands, pets, kids and lives that need their attention.

I'm trying to seek out new friendships and to have more of a life outside of the house, but it's difficult when you're constantly "on call" to pick up the kids from camp or keep them for dinner a few nights in a row.

I miss my husband. I miss the emotional connection we've had when he crawls into bed and tells me he loves me before going to sleep.

I plan on talking about this during my next therapy session, but I'm curious -- are you an emotional eater and how do you manage to keep your eating in check when you need that emotional connection?

Erin's Therapy Experiment | Lesson 1: Validation

I have finally started to see a therapist.

I've only met with him once and am practically scheduling my next appointment as I type, but in the one meeting we had, I feel like I unlocked an enlightening door to my brain -- sort of the opposite of Pandora's box.

When we did our obligatory introductions, I almost felt a little too, what's the word...proud? "I'm this and that and I do this, this and this, and I also take part in this, this and this..."

When I regurgitate my personal resume, I myself sometimes wonder how I have time to fit it all of in. I get a lot of people asking me the same thing. My response is somewhat canned, "Caffeine and lots of it."

Time management aside, I have found myself pondering the reasons behind why I feel hell-bent on keeping myself so busy. You could argue that with my husband not here and the kids with their mom most nights, I have a lot of time to fill, but that's not it. Because it's just me, I'm acting sort of like a single parent. So it's on me to get dinner ready, the house cleaned up, mail sorted and paid, etc.

I actually know one of the biggest reasons why I keep myself so busy: I couldn't succeed at one thing. Child creation is supposed to be inherent to a woman's body and I couldn't do it so I've spent the last year chasing after other things to make up for it.

I always felt like there was a word for that feeling and my therapist gave it to me: Validation.

I never realized how strong an urge Validation was until I really examined my feelings and motives behind so much of what I do:

• I created Stepchicks because I wanted to validate my feelings of helpfulness to other stepmoms.
• I co-created The Stepfamily Letter Project because I wanted to further that feeling of helpfulness by letting people get things off their chests.
• I do pole dancing and karate to validate that I'm not scared to try interesting things.
• I do a lot for my stepkids because I want the validation from myself and others that I really am a good parent.
• I help my kids' mom out because I want that extra validation that I'm a good friend.

There's a lot more that I do that is validation-seeking but in a nutshell, I do things because I want to feel needed.

I'm attracted to situations where people or situations need a person like me -- organized, genuine, practical, a good leader. If any potential future employers are reading this, I'm a great catch!

Understanding my own need for validation has gotten me to think about a lot of what other stepmoms do in their own families and why they might get so frustrated:

• Do you plan parties or outings for the family even though no one wants to go?
• Do you make nice with the ex even if you don't want to?
• Do you bite your tongue when the kids say something rude?
• Do you pick up after everyone even though they made the mess?
• Do you ever find yourself resenting everyone -- including yourself?

Do you see my point? I wish I could offer advice other than to say that you are a great person. Sadly, being a great person barely helps you get out of bed in the morning. We all do things to validate that feeling of being good, kind, needed and wanted.

Take a minute this Father's Day weekend to ask yourself in what ways you seek validation and why.

Comment-allez vous?

One of the things I like about being a stepparent is the notion that I'm helping to shape my kids' lives for the better.

Recently, my stepdaughter told me she wanted to learn French. Despite her friends' probability of taking Spanish in high school, she secretly wants to take French. I admire the girl. She likes to stick with the crowd but will often surprise you with a few revelations.

Having taken four years of French in high school and then another four years of it in college, I'd had enough elementary French rambling around in my brain (as well as a French 101 textbook) to teach her.

Her brother has hopped in to our lessons and now we try to speak as much French as we can when we see each other.

Maybe it's my own self-validation, but seeing the excitement in their eyes when they've learned a new French word feels good. I feel like I've fulfilled some sort of stepparent obligation to teach them something no one else in our family could.

And that is...tres bien avec moi.