Can't we all just get along?

I've read numerous books on the topic of working moms versus stay at home moms. I'm in the pro-working mom camp and I confess I've never understood what the appeal was to being a stay at home mom. Despite that not being my style, I do actually want to understand what the other 'side' wants me to know. I don't want to discount the beliefs of someone else because they weren't (or aren't) part of my reality.

I can't grasp the notion of putting my life on hold for a child. I never have. Even when I was trying to get pregnant some years back, I never considered not going back to work. My work is a huge part of who I am and frankly it keeps me somewhat sane. But that's me. Not everyone has the imprint to head back to the office once a child has entered their life.

Each has their own argument for why their way is better. No one way is right; no one way is wrong. Yet all of the women who argue about their way being better fail to recognize the lowest common denominator: they are all mothers.

They're fighting with words because it's not 'ladylike' to fight with fists. These women are passionate about their way being the 'right' way. Heaven help the poor soul that tries to tell a woman her way is wrong.

*****

I've noticed a lot of similarities between the working mom/stay at home mom argument and the different kinds of stepmoms. You have your Stepped Forward/engaged stepmoms, your Stepped Back/disengaged stepmoms, your PAS'd stepmoms,  your 'cruel stepchild' stepmoms, grown children stepmoms, stepbaby stepmoms, teenage kid stepmoms, etc. All of us has our own reality and all of us believe we're in the right in our beliefs.

I've noticed in a few online forums lately -- even my own -- that arguing has reached a fever pitch. There has been more name-calling, disrespect and animosity than a presidential debate. In some cases, there has ceased to be any respect for the other person or their reality.

Yet again, we have a group of women that have lost sight of the lowest common denominator: We're all stepmoms.

*****

I'm not a feminist; not in the Gloria Steinem sense of the word. I think trying to pit the 'haves' and the 'have nots' against one another has done more to ruin female solidarity than anything a man could have done. 


I think women, as a gender, should boost each other up. I think the Mean Girl/Female Bully mentality is also at a fever pitch and unless we have more women willing to stand up and say Shut the Fukc up to the mean girls then we're going to continue to see more infighting. I'm sick to death of hearing women call other women bitches, c*nts and any other variation of a negative word. 

I'm done with the mean girls. They do nothing for me other than make me angry and I don't like being angry. I want to emit nothing but love, light and happiness. So consider this blog post my Mean Girl Manifesto. 

I will no longer allow the name-callers and disrespectors to enter my space. Whether that space be my own stepmom community, my Facebook periphery or even my earshot. If I hear you tear another woman down be prepared to exit. The price of re-entry is steep.

I'm following the wisdom of my new found gurus (Mark and Angel)

Free yourself from negative people. – Spend time with nice people who are smart, driven and likeminded.  Relationships should help you, not hurt you.  Surround yourself with people who reflect the person you want to be.  Choose friends who you are proud to know, people you admire, who love and respect you – people who make your day a little brighter simply by being in it.  Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.  When you free yourself from negative people, you free yourself to be YOU – and being YOU is the only way to truly live.  

Peace lies within

Quoteable Cards

Two days ago, I was in Thailand. I'd boarded a plane on Jan. 14 to attend a media tour being held by Thailand's Ministry of Investment. It was a surreal experience and I think having gone changed my outlook for the better.

I'd been to Asia once before -- in June 2011 --  for a similar trip. I flew to Tawain amid a thunderstorm in the States only to get to Taiwan in time to greet a typhoon. I didn't speak the language nor did I understand the writing well enough to know what I could have eaten. I lost 5 pounds in 5 days due to my Baked Lays and water diet (the only packaging I could recognize).

I was curious to go to Thailand once I'd received the invitation. I knew this country as both the land of Buddha and the country that will throw your ass in prison should you hold anything that even looks like a drug. I was equal parts mystified and petrified.

I was flying to Thailand by myself and meeting a group of journalists there. I didn't know who they were, where they were from or if they'd be anything like me. I also didn't know the language or much else about the culture. Two days before I was due to leave, a suspected terrorist had been arrested because of a plot to bomb touristy places like those I was visiting. Needless to say, I was ready to come home before I'd already left.

Getting to my final destination wasn't as much of a problem as I'd worried about and I soon met 11 other media folk like me that were to be my trip mates for the next 5 days.

We stayed in gorgeous hotel rooms and ate wonderful food -- correction -- other people ate wonderful food. My delicate stomach could barely handle the paypaya 'slaw' so I was on the rice and chicken diet for most of the trip.

My trip mates also enjoyed a lot of Thailand's exotic night life. I went out a few times to be a team player, but usually came back to the hotel earlier (than most of the group's 1 a.m.) and drank water (instead of beer). Needless to say I was the opposite of Hangover 2.

At the midway point in the trip, I was sitting on my hotel bed, scratching the 100 ginormous mosquito bites I'd gotten, reading my book about Finding Your Own North Star. I was at a point where I was should have been identifying emotional blockages and bad feelings I could get past, yet all I could come up with was peace and contentment.

I sat there in a bit of an awe-struck state. Wasn't it me who -- not too long ago -- was struggling with figuring out who I was? Wasn't it me who felt lonely in my own home? Didn't I just spend the latter half of 2011 stuck in a pity rut because I'd felt like I'd become a shell of my former self? Here I was covered in mosquito bites, scratching myself into oblivion in a city where I could have been out partying it up with people who I could have tried to turn into my new BFFs and I was in my room, peacefully contemplating how far I'd come in such a short time.

The contemplation of how far I came felt both literal and figurative. I'd travelled almost 9,000 miles away from home to finally feel comfortable with who I was on the inside. I'd looked fear in the face by coming on a trip where I didn't haven't control over a heck of a lot. I did something that not many people have the courage to do...and that felt liberating.

At the risk of sounding like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, I want to end this post by saying the trip was soothing for my soul. Even when my computer fried on Day 1 of the trip, my body looked like that of a leper and I was sick as dog from Thai food, I've tried to practice each day the mantra: peace lies within. It's funny but in the two days I've been back, I've noticed how much calmer I feel inside and out.

I'm sure there will be plenty of things that may try to throw me off of this Buddhist wisdom but for now, I'm just going to sit, reflect and Om.

My life in pictures

The framed advice that resides in our entry hallway

Our 'Family Rules' that hang in the kitchen

The feline love of my life: Puppy Cat;
one of three ginger tabbies we have

Sunset as seen from our driveway

Finding meaning and happiness: A meme

Have you ever stumbled upon a book passage, quote or website that makes you want to scream "Thank you sweet Jesus for bringing this into my life"? Odds are, you needed that kind of inspiration at the time (let's face it, why else would it have made a difference).

For me, one of those things is Marc and Angel Hack Life: Practical Tips for Productive Living. The site is home to 30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself along with a bunch more other inspirational posts. The following is taken from 95 Questions to Help You Find Meaning and Happiness.

I love figuring out ways to make myself happier and it's always fun to tell people more about the inner workings of moi, so I thought I'd share some of the answers from the list.

If this prompts you to get started on your own journey to meaning and happiness let me know!!!!!

• In one sentence, who are you?: I'm an overachiever, a non-wicked stepmom, an atypical wife and the world's coolest older sister. 
• What does the child inside you long for? Approval 
• What is one thing right now that you are totally sure of? That I exist. 
• What are you scared of? Tarantulas, being abandoned, not being loved 
• What has fear of failure stopped you from doing? Starting my own business 
• What makes you feel secure? My husband's love; my mother's love. My plump cat's purring up against my neck.  
• Which activities make you lose track of time? Reading, watching Lie To Me, Criminal Minds or anything else where human behavior is questioned 
• What’s the most difficult decision you’ve ever made? Deciding to stop trying to have a baby 
• What are you most grateful for? each breath I'm able to take and each morning I'm gifted with waking up 
• What is something you’ve always wanted, but don’t yet have? A puppy 
• What’s the number one thing you want to achieve in the next five years? Sitting on a porch with my husband reflecting on how we made it through the first 10 years of our life together and how we can't wait for what's in store in the next 40 years. 
• What’s something new you recently learned about yourself? I have a difficult time realizing that not everyone lives in the same kind of reality I do. 
• What do you sometimes pretend to understand that you really do not? How the stock market and the refinance of my mortgage works.  
• What worries you most about the future? Not knowing when my future will become my past. 
• In one word, how would you describe your personality? Endearing 
• What never fails to frustrate you? Ignorance 
• What are you known for by your friends and family? For having a youthful sense of humor; for being hyper-organized 
• What’s something most people don’t know about you?  I have a lot of acquaintances but very few true friends (at least ones that would step up when I'm in need). Then again, maybe people do realize that about me and I'm the last one to have figured it out.  
• What’s a common misconception people have about you? I've heard that I'm intimidating because I'm aware of myself.  
• What’s something a lot of people do that you disagree with? Sugar coat life/aren't honest with themselves or other people 
• What are the top three qualities you look for in a friend? Loyalty, honesty, respect 
• If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend? I think most of my long term friends and I are similar in how we talk to one another. 
• If you had to move 3000 miles away, what would you miss most? My parents, my brother and sister, Chicago style pizza, Lake Shore Drive 
• What would make you smile right now? Watching and listening to my cats sleep...and purr 
• What has the little voice inside your head been saying lately? be careful how you request things of people 
• What’s something you should always be careful with? people's hearts 
• What should always be taken seriously? bullying 
• What are three things you can’t get enough of? Crime shows, behavior analysis, cheese pizza 
• What fascinates you? human behavior 
• What’s something you would do every day if you could? kiss my husband; meditate and do yoga (if I could remember and make time for myself to do it) 
• If you had the opportunity to get a message across to a large group of people, what would your message be? To thine own self be true 
• What makes you feel comfortable? The love of people who know me to my core and who won't say anyting judgmental if I want to wear flannels and pajama pants all winter long.  
• Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing? a little bit of both 
• What’s something that used to scare you, but no longer does? driving into the city; traveling alone 
• What do you appreciate most about your current situation? That I didn't (or don't) fall apart completely when life hands me lemons. 
• What’s something simple that makes you smile? (see cats purring above); babies laughing 
• When you’re 90-years-old, what will matter to you the most? That I made a difference in someone's life

Ahhhh. Already feel like I know myself better. Now, scoot, go visit that website :-)

Sometimes you need to just step back from yourself

It is often said that during our childhood developmental years, right before we're about to make a huge leap of developmental progress, we regress back to old patterns and behaviors. I think the same developmental 'dance' can be said for adults.

This has certainly been the case for me during the last half of 2011. As I often do at the end of a year, I've read through this year's blog posts only to wince at the decline in progress I'd made toward finding and maintaining my 'true self.' In January, I was so confident in my stepmotherhood that I penned a post on meeting the 'lion stepmom.'  Compare that to December 5th's I just live here post and you start to get the sense that somewhere along the way, I lost my footing and fell to the bottom of a self-loathing pity cave.

I've spent the better half of December trying to pull myself out of the pity cave. I've vowed to myself to start 2012 with a fresh perspective and a new set of personal development goals. I've used most of my free time this month to read and reflect on how I can improve myself and my relationships.

One of my fellow Stepchicks suggested I read Women Who Love Too Much. This was after I'd confessed that I wasn't happy that I'd allowed myself to be treated like a doormat for most of my life. What I learned in reading the book is that having grown up with a rather dysfunctional parent who constantly criticized me paved the way for a childhood and adulthood where I constantly sought approval from everyone around me. I was a people-pleaser to the nth degree because that's what I thought I needed to be to gain love, acceptance and approval. It never really occurred to me until that book that people should love me and accept me for just being me.

I've now moved on to Finding your own North Star which I'm taking a while to read mostly because there are self-reflective quizzes every other page. It's an innovative book in that it encourages readers to get in touch with their 'essential self' and to stop doing things that seem meaningless.

During yesterday's daily Facebook reading -- Round 1 anyway -- I came across a blog post that made the rounds throughout a lot of Stepmom-related groups. The post, 30 Things to Stop Doing To Yourself catapulted me into this new mindset that 2012 will be a year of positive transformation for me.

The post lists 30 reminders of how not to bring yourself down. There are some that jumped out at me more than others as things I really need to get a better hold of in my life. For instance:

• Stop spending time with the wrong people.
• Stop putting your own needs on the back burner.
• Stop trying to be someone you’re not.
• Stop trying to hold onto the past. 
• Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself.
• Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others.
• Stop trying to be everything to everyone.

I think what I've learned about myself these past few weeks is that I let other people's opinions of me destroy what I thought about myself. I've let people's manipulative behaviors toward me dictate my personal mental trajectory.

What I learned most from this self-reflective process is that I almost needed to step back from myself to figure out what I thought about my own situation. I had to disengage from my own dysfunctional beliefs about myself in order to recognize that they were dysfunctional.

So now, on the eve of New Year's Eve, I feel armed with some good goals for the new year. I've printed out the 30 things and will add it to my 'inspiration papers' along with the notes I've been accruing in my new journal. I'm hopeful that this time next year, I'll be writing about what an amazing year I've had and how true and free I feel about myself.

But that's next year...

I resolve...

You know what I like about having a blog? 1) Free advice and 2) Accountability.

The comments that came in on my last post reminded me to be myself. Some how, some where I lost sight of that notion and let everyone else's input and my inner critic take over my otherwise self-affirming brain.

Being that it's almost a new year, I've decided to pen a few resolutions that I hope I can master in the next year. Some will be insightful, some meaningful, some of them downright vapid. This list, like me, is ever-evolving so feel free to make suggestions. Similarly, if you've got your own list or are considering drafting a resolution wishlist, let me know. I'd love to be your accountabilibuddy.

This next year, I resolve to.....

• Grow my hair out another 6 inches (told you some would be vapid)
• Let my gray hairs grow out rather than cover them up...I'm going to be 36 years old. At what point do I admit to myself I'm getting old enough to rock gray hair? 
• I'm going to rock my uniqueness. I found the Oregon state motto (pictured above) on a Quotable card and I fell in love. I think I often forget that the thing that makes me me is that I don't like to be like everyone else. I may do it to fit in, but I don't like it. It feels uncomfortable.
• I will take my brother, sister and stepkids to Europe. This one is already on the books and flights are booked; however, I want to make a point of making a ton of memories on this trip.
• I will not participate in bully behavior. The next time I'm around people that participate in bully behavior, I will stand up for myself and/or the person being bullied.
• I'm going to not get a tattoo or surgery or a major illness. (Okay, I can only really control 1 1/2 of those things, but I'm going to do my damndest to try to stay away from unnecessary needles or pokes to my skin)
• I'm going to go on more dates with my husband. Of course, he needs to be a willing party to this one too but I'm going to make more of an effort to get him away from the xbox and out the door with me. 
• I'm going to figure out what sort of stepmom I want to be. I've gone all over the board with this one in the last few years. First I was over-involved; then I'm not-as-involved. I can't seem to figure out a nice little step-niche that makes everyone -- most of all me -- feel comfortable. My oldest stepkid is graduating high school in a couple of years. It would be nice for all involved if we knew what kind of stepmom was attending the graduation ceremony. 
• I'm going to be.... My brain is always swirling around with how I can be better. That's not exactly a bad thing except for the fact that over-analyzing can lead to self-imposed drama and frankly I'd like to spend my remaining years of my 30s actually getting super comfortable in my own skin. 

That's all I've got for now....

Adventures in Stepping Back: "I just live here"

My husband, mom, sister and I went to a concert on Friday evening. It was to celebrate my sister's upcoming 18th birthday and we were going to see three great acts we'd all been anxious to hear. During the rush-hour traffic commute into downtown Chicago, my sister had asked how her step-niece and step-nephew were.

Apparently my stepson had an issue at school that week. My stepdaughter was doing well although my husband needed to help her with something during the weekend. The issue and the help were news to me. As my husband told us about my stepkids I sat and wondered why I hadn't known this before that point.

Because of our living situation, I would imagine my husband operates on two information planes: The kids-and-mother-of-my-children plane where he's kept up to date on the goings-on in the kids' lives (i.e., issues at school, monies owed, places needed to be).

Then there's the wife-plane. This one is more reserved for the job frustrations, planning of Christmas lists and other household logistics. The kids-and-mother plane and the wife-plane don't often intersect so I don't hear about issues with the kids until someone else asks.

The frustration in that sort of existence is when the kids are with us on the weekends (as they often are because it's the only time my husband can see the kids and his wife at the same time) I don't know that so-and-so has had a tough week and therefore should be handled with more delicate kid gloves. Even more frustrating are those times when I have made plans for myself and my husband has agreed to do something with/for the kids and those plans don't mesh.

Essentially what we've got on our hands is a big ol' communication problem and I'm at a loss on how to solve it without getting re-involved again.

I've often joked with the kids -- when they ask about where they're spending the night or when they're being picked up or dropped off to be with mom -- that I don't know, I just live here. It started out as a joke but has become more of a way of life since I've taken the giant step-leap back from co-parenting. I literally don't know if/when the kids are going to be gone for an event or if and when they're going to be spending the night with their dad and me.

I'm a control freak so not knowing who is going to be in residence when has driven me to distraction at times. Combine that with a moody teenager, bored 10 year old, and a chronic XBox playing-on-the-weekends husband and you've got a stepmom that just wants to step even farther back.

I've been noticing lately that I just sort of 'exist' in this house on the weekends. I'm not the conduit through which information flows and my presence isn't necessary, save for the times my stepson needs an adult in the house.

I'm not sure what to make of this situation. During the week, you can find me following my passions -- reading, martial arts, dance, behavioral research -- because that's how I've managed to survive the married-but-singleness of my husband and I's living situation.

Once the weekend comes I become a shadow of that self. The house is taken over by a cacophony of screams and yells that make my head hurt. More often than not, I'm retreating to my bedroom for peace and quiet. By retreating, I'm also missing out on the family life that I think I want to experience and that on some level I do want to be involved in.

What to do if there is a bully in your stepfamily

• Relational Aggression: Are you the bully?
• Relational Aggression: Are you the victim?
• Women hurting women: Relational aggression
  and female relationships in stepfamilies

If you're anything like me, you've read through this information on bullying and wondered: What can I do about it? If you're a victim, you feel like you're being continuously been spit on by the DragonBitch that is your rival (aka, the 'other' woman). If you're a bully, there is a woman in your midst who you will try anything to piss off either because it's a fun sport or because you don't want her to have anything to do with you. Either way, it's a case of women behaving badly and it shouldn't carry on.

But what can we do about it?

First and foremost, recognize it.

Think long and hard about if you've ever purposely tried to manipulate another woman's success. Whether that success is in her professional life, her marriage, her personal relationships or the relationships with her (step)children.

Similarly, think about whether you've stayed quiet about another woman's intrusion into your home, profession, personal relationships or relationships with your (step)children.

How does this make you feel?

Have you ever stopped to ask yourself: Why do I participate in this kind of behavior?

In trying to figure out why women bully other women, a few theories became evident:

• An enormous amount of pressure exists for females to be sweet, kind and nurturing; we quickly learn to suppress feelings of anger and hostility rather than express them outwardly. (Dr. Erika Holiday and Dr. Joan I. Rosenberg)
• There aren't a lot of outlets for females to effectively handle unpleasant feelings; therefore we tend to express anger through hurtful behaviors. Females tend to respect males more than other females so other females become the outlet of our anger. (Dr. Erika Holiday and Dr. Joan I. Rosenberg)
• Women (and girls) develop their identities in the context of relationships. We are who we are and we feel how we feel because of of our friendships and partnerships. (Cheryl Dellasega, Ph.D.)
• Relational aggression is about power. "Women who don't believe in themselves, who are threatened by others and see them as 'the enemy' will lash out in an effort to make themselves feel more in control" (Cheryl Dellasega, Ph.D.)

The theories provide a few reasons why women hate on other women but it doesn't exactly explain what to do to get past it. 

In everything I read about bullying and relational aggression, all of the experts recommend taking a long hard look at all of your relationships -- with yourself, your true friends, your intimate partners, acquaintances, even your enemies. How do each of these relationships make you feel? Reflect back on the positive traits each person (including yourself) has. Are you incredibly loyal...almost to a fault?

At the same time, identify your triggers. What traits or behaviors about yourself and others make you angry? Are you territorial? Are you quick to judge or react?

Once you've identified your traits and behaviors, reflect back on times you've hurt or have been hurt by other women. If you've hurt other women, what was the purpose? Were you trying to achieve something or win a 'prize'? Is there another way to express your anger or competitiveness in a more respective manner?

If you've been someone hurt by another woman, ask yourself what is it specifically that hurt? Did you feel that something had been taken from you? Is there a way you could have expressed yourself that wouldn't have seemed retaliatory or that wouldn't have caused a backlash?

As women, we serve as the best role models for other females in our lives. If you want to serve as a good mother, stepmother, role model, etc. the best thing you can do is practice forgiveness and compassion.

Forgiveness and compassion, though hard to fathom for someone we don't like, is often the best way to get past the gut-wrenching anger we have toward one another.

Forgiving someone is always an alternative yet so many people choose not to do it because they're rather hold on to the anger. For many, letting go of the anger is like saying to the other person: "you've won." Holding on to the negative emotion can feel like the right thing to do; it fuels you to rally around a cause or a person and in some instances, it garners you sympathy or respect from others. Did you know, however, it's been scientifically proven that holding on to that anger is actually more detrimental than letting go or forgiving the person(s) you're angry at?

In the same vain, did you know most instances that lead to anger are caused by a misunderstanding or assumption? For the mathematically minded out there that means we've taken something we don't know to be true, compounded it with feelings of anger and have gotten ourselves so worked up over this feeling that now we're practically suffering from a physical ailment....all because we didn't confront the issue to begin with?  Seems to me there is a great solution to this problem.

That solution is: confront the issues when they happen.

Bio-Mom: If you're not keen on Stepmom taking your daughter for a haircut, please tell her in a manner that you yourself would like to be told. Explain that it's something you like to do together with your daughter and that you cherish that girl time. Don't send nasty messages, don't be passive aggressive and PLEASE do not tell all of your friends on Facebook that 'the Bitch' has your daughter for the weekend.

Stepmoms: If you're not a fan of how the Bio-Mom does something, please tell her in a manner that you yourself would like to be told. Recognize -- and respect --  the biological connection that the mother has with this child. Explain your reasoning or request and hope that your husband has your back. Don't send nasty messages to your husband about his ex, don't be passive-aggressive or spiteful and launch Facebook vitriol about the Bio-Mom is going to screw up her kids.

From what I've gleaned from the books, articles and people I've talked to, it comes down to respect and forgiveness. None of us are perfect and all of us are bound to make mistakes. Respect and forgive that fact and move on.....or move out.... but don't keep beating people up because of it.

Have you experienced relational aggression? How did you deal with it?

Relational Aggression: Are you the victim?

Will you do just about anything to avoid conflict with other women?

Do strong women intimidate you?

Have you stayed in unhappy relationships because you're afraid to change?

Do you fail to express your real feelings out of fear of the repercussions?

Has someone in your life spread rumors about you or told lies about you to pit people against you? 

If you said yes to most of these, my dear, I think you're the victim of bullying by way of relational aggression.


According to Cheryl Dellesega, Ph.D., in her book Mean Girls Grown Up, the most important step a woman can take to break free of being the target of relational aggression is to recognize it.

No woman should feel afraid to voice her real feelings or stay in a relationship out of fear of change. In a way, staying in those situations is a kin to abuse. 

As women, we're in a bind -- we tend to suffer in silence because we don't want to stress out our partners (or they won't listen) yet keeping in the emotions builds up into an unhealthy amount of stress. When it comes to keeping quiet, we're damned if we do, damned if we don't.

As it pertains to mom/stepmom relationships, Stepmoms tend to be on the receiving end of the bullying. If you recall from Relational Aggression: Are you the bully? Wednesday Martin notes "[Stepmoms] are often outsiders in their own homes, sometimes not sufficiently supported by their husbands on the homefront and in interactions with his ex, at least initially, and so much more vulnerable to relational aggression."

So what do you do if you're a victim of relational aggression?

Next up: How to handle a bully in your stepfamily

Relational Aggression: Are you the bully?

In Women hurting women: Relational aggression and female relationships in stepfamilies, I introduced the idea of relational aggression especially as it pertains to mom and stepmom relationships.

If you recall, relational aggression is "the use of relationships to hurt another. It's a way of verbal violence in which words rather than fists inflict damage."

Relational aggression typically includes at least three people:

• The aggressor (the bully)
• The victim (the bullied)
• The people who standby or transfer information to and from the bully and the victim

According to Dellesaga in Mean Girls Grown Up, "Aggression between women occurs as a genetic, protective drive to find the best circumstances to ensure the survival of children." She goes on to say that "women view other women as competitors for resources, with men being one of the more helpful resources."

Did you, too, recognize that a lot of what was just described sounds a lot like the basis for some Mom/Stepmom anger?

Everyone I talked to or read in regard to relational aggression spoke about power and self-hatred as being at the core of the reasons behind this kind of bullying tactic.

I emailed Wednesday Martin,  Ph.D., author of Stepmonster (and admittedly one of my stepmom girl crushes), to see if she had any insights about relational aggression as it relates to Mom/Stepmom relationships.

"I see this behavior much more frequently among mothers/ex wives than I do among women with stepkids and I'm sure anyone with a clinical practice is likely to tell you the same thing. Women with stepkids don't have the same power base from which to bully. They are often outsiders in their own homes, sometimes not sufficiently supported by their husbands on the homefront and in interactions with his ex, at least initially, and so much more vulnerable to relational aggression.

Meanwhile, the sense of injury a mother/ex-wife who is threatened by the remarriage experiences is something that can stoke relational aggression on her part."

Does this sound like anyone you know?

Before we cite every bio-mother we know for being a bully, it's important to look at ourselves as well to ensure we, as stepmoms, are not being bullies either.

A few things to consider:

• When you think about women in your life, do you use defamatory language to voice your feelings about them?
• Do you constantly feel the need to be in charge, make the plans and lead without asking for input from others? 
• Have you ever deliberately tried to exclude or sabotage women in your life?
• If you hear gossip about another woman, do you repeat it?
• Do you have meaningful relationships with other women?

Think about all of the stepmom boards where you see this kind of behavior going on. Could this be you? Could you be engaging in aggressive behaviors without realizing it?

Next up: Are you the victim?