Take a Stand For Your Blended Family: Combat Parental Alienation Syndrome

File this one under human behaviors I loathe: parents who purposefully alienate their children's other parents. I always consider myself one of the lucky stepmoms in that our blended family doesn't stand for alienating one another. We may not see eye to eye on everything or be BFF's, but we respect each other and encourage a free flow of love among everyone.

Such is not the case of some blended families. (I don't know how many blended families endure alienation but I'm sure the number would confound me.) There are some families that endure days, months and even years of a thing called Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS).

Oklahoman Rebekah Bradley is one such stepmom. She's recently started a Facebook Group, Taking A Stand for My Blended Family where folks can become members to take a stand against PAS.

Lest you think that PAS is just a crafty name given to an upset parent, PAS is real. Rebekah explained to me something pertaining to her life:

"The only thing I can really do is go to the state about PAS. The judge won't give the time or day and he won't take into consideration that this is signs of PAS. I have emailed the senator and I have made groups. I'm making an online petition so I will have something BIG to show the state. I'm not only taking a stand for my situation but for anyone else that maybe going through this or they have been through this."

Rebekah noted, "All you have to do is join and invite people to the group to show your support. When I pass out the petition on my group/fan page be sure to sign it and pass it along. My goal is to show the state senator that I'm not the only one that is having issues with PAS."

Click on http://www.thepetitionsite.com/1/help-stop-pasparental-alienation-syndrome to sign the petition.

A Little Light Reading for Stepmoms

It's occurred to me that through promoting Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Being a Stepmom But Were too Afraid to Ask that there are people who've never heard of me or this blog. *gasp!*

For those of you who don't have the slightest clue who I am or what qualifies me to write a book about Stepmoms, I offer you this brief bio:

I've been with my husband for almost 7 years. He has two kids whom I only mention as Stepdaughter and Stepson. They have a mom who lives a mile north of us. Their mom is a really good mom and we do most of our communicating through my husband.

My husband travels for his job and I see him on the weekends when he's in town. I used to take on a lot of responsibility for my stepkids, but recently decided to step back from that. The decision to step back was one of the most empowering things I've done in my entire stepmom life. I feel more content with my role as a Stepmom and I'm able to see things more clearly and to take better care of myself.

Coming to this realization took time, a little bit of discomfort and a helluva lot of blog posts.

I've listed some of the most popular posts on The Erin Experiment in case you want the condensed "don't have time to read your whole fraggin' blog" version.

Learning the Art of the Stepmom Stepback
Living Outloud
Whose Job is it Anyway? Dealing with my Stepmom Role Issues
The Reality and the Perception of Stepmotherhood
Religion and Stepkids: Heaven or Hell?
Stepmom's House Rules
Are you still a stepmom if you aren't legally a stepmom?
Diary of a nervous breakdown
Whose House is it anyway?
Therapy, Interrupted

Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Being a Stepmom...

HOLY BALLS!!!!!!

Y'all are freaking awesome. Through the wonderful network of the Stepmom Posse, Facebook posts and a friendly shout out to the Stepchicks, I've managed to secure a buttload of questions so far for the book.

I can already tell this is going to be a great book even if I wind up self-publishing it and selling copies from my living room.

But I can still use more questions! Does anyone have anything they're curious to know about insofar as self-care or end-of-relationship discussions are concerned? How about bringing a new kid into the family? Or farting. Does anyone have any questions about farting? (can't help myself...I live with an 8 year old and a 37-year old who has the sense of humor of an 8 year old)

Keep the questions coming ladies (and gents if any of them read!).

P.S. To make things easier, I turned the original post into its own page: http://www.erinexperiment.com/p/everything-you-ever-wanted-to-know.html

xoxo,
Erin

Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Being a Stepmom...But Were too Afraid to Ask

I'm about to embark on a new and exciting project my dear ladies and gents.

After much contemplation, excitement, overjoyed and rambunctious e-mails to members of the Stepmom Posse as well as a few beers and some wings at BW3, I've decided I want to write a book.

One of the things that I love most about writing this blog, aside from the fact that I can write dirty words on it and no one gets mad at me, is that it -- and by extension, I -- helps answer questions a lot of stepmoms have.

I love helping people out. I love finding answers to questions and learning something in the process. I love making people laugh and I love the special stepmom connection I feel with so many of the wonderful people that read this blog.

All of that being said, I've decided I want to try and piece together a humorous advice book for anyone who's ever known, been or may think they want to be a stepmom.

But I need your help. I need to know what you've always wanted to know about being a Stepmom but were too afraid to ask.

For instance...

• Is it okay to have sex while my partner's kids are at our house?
• Am I within my rights to demand my stepdaughter not eat my Cheerios?
• What clothes can I avoid to make me look less soccer mom and more sexy SMILF?
• Why do my stepkids not understand showering? Or deodorant? 
• Is it okay to go AWOL on my birthday?
• Do I really need to invite my stepkids to our wedding?
• Should I hire security to keep his ex away?
• Is it possible to have a 'Stepmom Shower' if I'm not having my own children but am marrying into them?
• How many chores is too many chores for my stepkids? 

You get the idea? Good.

Now, in order to turn this into a book you won't be able to put down, I need a few hundred questions to volley at the Stepmom Posse (who have all graciously agreed to help answer any and all questions our fellow Stepmoms have...no matter how crass, gross, embarrassing, funny, or serious.)

Can I count on y'all for your help?

Awesome. To submit a question, e-mail me at erin [at] erinexperiment [dot] com. I promise to keep you posted on the status of this little ditty...and if we make the New York Times Best Seller list....well, then...drinks on me.

Free Call March 10: The Three Keys to Surviving the First Years of Stepfamily Life

Stepfamily Coach Claudette Chenevert is hosting a free call on March 10 at 8 p.m. EST.

Titled "The Three Keys to Surviving the First Years of Stepfamily Life," the discussion will offer stepfamilies an opportunity to hear how some stepmoms overcame  hurdles that often occur in the early years of forming a step-relationship.

Register and receive details of the call at http://www.coachingsteps.com/registerseminar/3keystosurviving.php

Listeners can learn what are some of the things you can do right now to get some relief.

Claudette will also be introducing listeners to her new Stepmom Survival Program Level One. For more information regarding this program, go to http://www.coachingsteps.com/workshops/stepmomgroup03172010.php

PS. If you're wondering if this program is right for you, check out Claudette's Stepfamily Assessment at
http://www.coachingsteps.com/parentingquestionaire.php and judge for yourself.

Jacque Fletcher Offering Stepmom Coaching

BecomingAStepmom.com's Jacque Fletcher is starting another Stepmom Circles Group Coaching session the week of March 15. Space is extremely limited so email her at becomingastepmom (at) gmail (dot) com if you want to reserve a spot.

Information about Stepmom Circles Group
The Stepmom Circles group meets for an hour and a half each week for six weeks over the telephone. Every week Jacque leads a discussion on a particular stepfamily challenge. (Creating a strong partnership with your spouse, dealing with the ex, bonding with the stepkids, handling your negative feelings, identifying common stepfamily mistakes, discovering what successful stepfamilies know). Then there is an open talk about  particular questions and issues.

Cost
The cost of a six-week session is $197. That’s about $32 per week.

email becomingastepmom (@) gmail (dot) com for more information.

Moms and Stepmoms: Can't we all just get along?

I'm still tingling with excitement over having talked with Wednesday Martin on Monday night. I have a bit of a Stepmom Girl Crush on Dr. Martin and getting to talk to her was like getting to talk to Kate Spade herself.

Throughout the course of the show, we had some great chatting going on in the Stepmoms Toolbox Radio Show chat room. A lot of the ladies posed great questions about how they can do their own Stepmom Stepbacks.

There were also a few questions about dealing with the moms in the stepfamily equation.  One question in particular got me thinking: Why does it seem like Stepmoms are always the ones seeking approval from everyone? Why don't the Moms ever seem to be trying to make peace?

It's something that I think about a lot. Not because of my own Stepmom/Stepkids' mom relationship but because of so many of the things I see written on The Stepfamily Letter Project, Stepchicks and via my Facebook friends' updates.

The fact that groups work to strike down Parental Alienation Syndrome worries the crap out of me. I applaud the men and women who work to abolish a parent treating another parent like crap. It's unconscionable to me me that people can be so cruel to one another.

Maybe I'm living in a fantasy and maybe I have an Alice in Wonderland approach to getting along, but why is it so difficult to have at least a peaceful co-existence for some blended families?

What am I not understanding? What is up with all of the hate? Does the hate really help people feel better?

If anyone can shed some light for me, please leave me a comment.

I'm not a Stepmonster!

Mark your calendars, clear some time and tune in on Monday, March 1 at 8 p.m. EST to hear Peggy Nolan and I talk with Wednesday Martin, Ph.D., author of the acclaimed Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do. 

We'll be digging in to some honest Stepmom emotions: Why do you feel resentful? How can you get past the anger? When is it time to just throw in the towel?

This is a can't miss episode! (Although if you can't make it, but want to ask Wednesday a question, please feel free to leave a comment or shoot me an email).

More on the Art of the Stepmom Stepback

Today I bought a Kate Spade purse. This may not seem like a big deal to most people, but it was a symbolic gesture for me. For the relatively low price of $75, I bought a reminder that I was Erin, purveyor of classic pieces, long before I was wife and Stepmom. (FYI: If you, too, would like your own bargain on a Kate Spade purse, check out the sample sale going on Feb. 23-26 on the Kate Spade website)

Like most Stepmoms (and Dads, Moms and Stepdads), I've sacrificed things I wanted for the sake of my family. It's hard to justify Jimmy Choo when Junior needs braces, right? But if I've learned anything during the Stepmom Stepback  it's that I need to do things just for me every once in a while.

A few people commented in Learning the Art of the Stepmom Stepback that the Stepmom Stepback sounded like a dance. The more I've thought about, the more appropriate that sounded. Learning to step back is like a dance: there's a fine art to figuring out when and exactly how far you should step, on what beats you should come back in and when you should do a perfectly executed spin and get the heck off the floor.

My own dance hasn't always been perfect and there have been plenty of uncomfortable challenges. I'd tried stepping back several times before, but I don't think I'd convinced myself that I was entirely ready to step back. My blog was actually responsible for my backing in to Stepbacksville.

That's the thing about stepping back. You have to believe you really want to.

I know for me, I'd been resistant to stepping back because I had convinced myself that my stepkids really needed me. I used my care for them to validate so many of the emotions I felt inside. To make myself feel better about myself, I needed to believe that I was necessary.

I found myself saying "If I don't do it, and their parents are busy, who will do it?" or "If I don't help my husband and my stepkids' mom, then they'll be mad at me or think I'm selfish." The worst thing I thought was "If I don't treat my stepkids like they were my own flesh and blood what kind of Stepmonster am I?"

But like I said in my last post: My stepkids have a Mom and a Dad. A really good Mom and Dad actually. They are both sane people who work really really hard and who love their kids with all of their hearts and would do anything for them. By thrusting myself into the situations that I did last year -- by assuming the role of extra Mom or extra Dad -- I made things hard for everyone, including myself.

In learning to step back, I had to have a long and almost uncomfortable talk with myself to figure out what kind of parent I wanted to be. I remembered there was a reason I stopped trying to get pregnant. I liked being a little selfish with my time and my hard-earned money. I wanted to enjoy those times I had alone with my husband. Probably the most shocking of all: I didn't want the full fledged responsibility of being a kid's entire world.

Once I figured out that I didn't want that full-fledged responsibility, it became a little easier to step back. There are two people in this world that made the commitment to be fully responsible for my stepkids: my husband and their mom. I made the commitment to support my husband and be a good parent.

Being a good parent doesn't mean that I ignore my stepkids or treat them poorly. I still watch out for them, hold them when they're sick, help them with homework and hug them like my life depended on it. I will be there for them through thick and thin, as unconditionally as I can be and for as long they want me in their lives.

Stepping back doesn't mean that I love them any less or that I care less for them. In fact, I probably love them more because of it. I parent in the way I want to, not the way I think I should because my guilty conscience says "do this or else no one will love you."

Learning to step back may have been one of the best presents I gave myself all year....well, that and the purse.

Learning the Art of the Stepmom Stepback

I was a hot mess in 2009. 

My husband was out of town for most of the year and I had a lot on my stepmom plate. If you haven't gleaned from last week's posts, I felt like hope was almost certainly lost and that Super Stepmom Syndrome was going to be the death of me.

Like a lot of stepmoms, I'm a doer and a hopeful peacekeeper. I want everyone to like me and for everyone -- my husband, my stepkids and their mom -- to feel more at ease because I've got things under control. Everyone in Erin Experimentland had a tough 2009, not just me; however, I felt it was my responsibility to make sure everyone's life was easier.

Trying to make sure four other people's lives are easier is like trying to arrange peaceful talks among Iraq, Afghanistan, North Korea and the folks in the Gaza Strip. It's practically impossible to do and you'll likely not survive intact.

I could feel the weight of trying to be everyone's peacekeeper tugging at my soul. No matter how nice and accommodating I tried to be to everyone else, there was always something keeping me from taking full care of myself.

I spent most of 2009 struggling to figure out what kind of Stepmom I was. I had essentially thrust myself into my husband's Dad role during the week and then felt depleted on the weekends he was home. I couldn't figure out if I was coming or going and it impacted everything from my marriage to my waistline.

I stayed on this roller coaster for almost a year.

About a month ago, my blog intervened on my behalf. I'll spare the details but suffice it to say, I was relieved of a lot of my during the week Stepmom duties. And I've never felt more normal in my entire Stepmom life.

I had spent so much time trying to be the second coming of Mom and Dad that I completely lost myself. It's hard to figure out who you are and what your role is when Mom and Dad are wanting and expecting you to step up and keep things running smoothly.

Some time around my birthday, I was having a discussion with some members of the Stepmom Posse about how I could untangle myself from this intricate web I felt I had woven myself into.

I asked, almost desperately: How do I step back and reclaim my Stepmom role again?

I'll never forget what honorary stepmom Jen Newcomb Marine of NoOnestheBitch.com told me: You need to subtly step back and let your stepkids' Mom and Dad be just that: Mom and Dad. They brought these children into the world and they are the one's responsible for making sure the kids are taken care of. It is not your job to be the family peacekeeper. Sure, Mom and Dad will make mistakes and forget things -- just like you are capable of doing -- but if you become a Helicopter Stepmom and don't give everyone room to fall down or screw up then you won't have done anyone any good, least of all yourself.

She, along with Izzy Rose, another stepmom friend named Jen, and my trusty, insightful mom reminded me that being "Family Peacekeeper" wasn't part of my marriage vows. I didn't enter into the state of matrimony so that I could make everyone happy with my organizing capabilities. I got married because I wanted to be my husband's partner and because I love him.

So now, I'm practicing the art of the Stepmom Stepback. I'm learning to not get involved in matters where Mom and Dad should be the ones making the decisions. If someone has a doctor's appointment or needs money for a field trip, guess who isn't making the appointment or writing the check anymore?

It's been a tough role to remove myself from. There have been instances where I felt like I should speak up or just do something or volunteer to do it so that everyone is less stressed. But then I'd just be falling right back in to the same routine.

For now, I'm learning to take better care of myself. My radio show co-host Peggy Nolan would be proud of how much self-care is going on at Casa de Erin Experimentland. I try to do yoga at least once or twice a week; I don't worry as much about the little things anymore and I feel much happier than I have in a long time.

I'm still trying to figure out where and how far I should step back. Ladies, have you had success figuring this out? Anyone trying to get started? Leave me a comment and let me know.